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Mahila Sarvangeen Utkarsh Mandal
Anand Melas
FOR
NEWLY MARRIED COUPLES
Documented by
Prasanna Tnvally
MAHILA SARVANGEEN UTKARSH MANDAL
PUNE
First Published in July 2005
MASUM PUBLICATIONS
41-44, B-l, Kubera Vihar,
Gadital Hadapsar,
Pune 411 028.
Phone 020 - 26995625/33
Fax 020 - 26811749
Email - masumfp@vsnl.com
Website - www.masum-india.org
© MASUM
Contents of this booklet may be used for
mass education and also may be reprinted
for non-commercial use, without permission
Typed by Sarika Bora and Sopan Wadkar
Printed at
Sitlai Udyog
Mumbai 400 058
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l(k j 3
PREFACE
We have great pleasure in publishing the report of
our Anand Melawas (Joyous Gatherings), that we held
in many villages of Purandar taluka as part of the 16
day campaign against violence against women
(November 26 to December 10, 2004). We thank all of
MASUM’s staff and volunteers (especially the teams that
work against violence against women at the village,
taluka and city levels), the various couples who actively
participated in the gatherings, residents of all the
villages and Prasanna Invally who documented the
entire proceedings of the fortnight.
During the past twenty years, MASUM has
intervened in two drought-prone rural communities of
Purandar and Parner talukas of Pune and Ahmednagar
districts of Maharashtra State. Women’s health,
domestic violence, micro-credit, de-addiction from
alcohol, instilling constitutional values with school
children, adolescent empowerment and so on have been
addressed through training of local women, most of
whom come from marginalised and oppressed sections
of rural society.
In the earlier years of MASUM’s intervention in
violence against women, most of our clients came form
their mothers’ homes, indicating that their rights to the
marital home or any chance of re-negotiating with the
husband were minimal. Most often, the husband had
re-married and the woman had returned to her mother’s
home for good. Sadly, women were ’brought’ to us by
brothers or parents in order to somehow send her back
to the husband, with little concern for her life and safety.
In an environment of unwantedness and neglect, we
often saw women suffer mental trauma, depression and
having gone through suicide attempts. Some women
killed themselves or were killed by their families. Justice
from the family, community (where the political, socio
cultural and economic leadership of the village is often
related to the husband by blood) or from the law was
not forthcoming to women when they suffered
patriarchal violence.
While we were setting up our counselling centres,
training village level para-legal workers and setting up
pressure groups in the village to take up violence against
women as a community and human rights issue,
women's narrations constantly haunted us. Right from
the 1980s. women had spoken of the almost absent
communication between them and their husbands.
Many women spoke with remorse about how elders
interfered with the relationship of the young married
couple, how young frightened adolescent brides rebuffed
the sexual advances and desires of their equally young
husbands, how fear, suspicion and insecurity were born
out of these miscommunications and how adolescent
quarrels and egos had led to irreconcilable permanent
separations between couples. Women spoke of how the
violence began and escalated - some of it having links
with the inability of the couple to communicate with
each other in the first few years of marriage. Lack of
friendship with one’s partner led to disastrous
consequences for women, as they were the ones to be
deserted, thrown out of homes and disinherited. In the
absence of property rights for women, with so much
power and control in men’s hands and in the absence
of the opportunity for re-marriage for women, they were
losers all their lives. It is in fact amazing that women
survive and continue to laugh and smile in spite of so
it
much injustice within the home.
The idea of bringing young couples together came
up in the late 1990s, when we had gained enough
credibility with the parents-in-law to send their young
daughters-in-law for such a gathering (families will
gladly send the women for micro-credit or for accessing
loans for seeds etc, but are suspicious of legal and other
‘empowerment’ inputs). We began tentatively with a
couple of villages, got together newly married couples
and created a playful and festive environment for a day.
Games which necessitated cooperation between the
couple, finding out what each other liked (and finding
out that the wife know the husband’s likes and dislikes,
but rarely did the husband know vice versa),
encouraging affectionate, non-sexual touch and nonmalicious teasing, talking to them about contraception
and abortion rights etc were part of this day’s
deliberations. For the first time the husband saw his
wife playing outdoor games and swinging a bat. He learnt
to rely on her intelligence and quick wit when they played
games and brain-teasers. Flashes of respect and pride
for his wife were seen in his eyes throughout the day
Laws related to family, inheritance, property,
violence, wife-beating, rape and so on were explained
to the couples. In order to prevent bigamy, marriages
were registered on that day too. The food and the
ambience were reminiscent of the wedding day. Amidst
fun and laughter a lot was achieved ! People had so
much fun that much older couples in the villages
grumbled for weeks after that about being ‘excluded’
by MASUM.
The responses at the end of the day and after the
Melawas were also very telling. One bride narrated how
she had been terrified on her wedding day because one
of the husband's relatives had started creating a scene
Hi
related to dowry. At this point the husband mentioned
that he had been equally terrified. As they spoke, they
reached out for each others’ hand. This would have been
the first time that they may have shown affection and
camaraderie in public. Many couples said that this day
was better than their wedding day, as this day was not
bogged down by social and cultural expectations. One
young man poignantly summed up the day by saying
"three years ago, we had an arranged marriage, but
today we’ve had a love marriage".
Women narrated the effects of the Melawa weeks
later. One said “whenever we have an argument, he begs
me not to come to MASUM. He says that you all have a
good impression of him. He tells me that we’ll resolve
the problem amongst ourselves". Another bride said that
whenever they have a fight, she walks down the lane
where MASUM’s office is. Her husband watches her from
the top of the road, hoping that she doesn’t enter the
para-legal worker’s office!
The immense success of this single day’s interaction
between couples led us to evolve these gatherings as a
preventive and promotive strategy whilst intervening in
domestic violence. It was easier to dialogue with a man
before he became an abuser. Conversely, it was wiser
to empower the bride before she took beatings from her
husband. We therefore decided to hold Anand Melawas
in more villages during the fortnight against violence
against women. This report documents the methodology,
details, vignettes and analysis of the same. We hope
you enjoy reading it as much as the couples enjoyed
participating.
Manisha Gupte
Co-Conuenor. MASUM
iv
CONTENTS
Preface
i
1 Anand Melas : A Backdrop
1
2 Outline of the Anand Melas
5
3 The Environment in the Melas
7
4 Anand Melas in five villages
9
5 Participatory Activities and Games
12
About our Partners
12
Jigsaw Puzzle
16
Three-legged Race
19
Weaving Flowers
23
Other Activities
26
6 Feeding Each Other
28
7 Informative Dialogue
29
Relationship Building
29
Registration of Marriage
34
Sexual Relationship
35
8 Sweet Memory Session
39
9 Some Observations
42
10 Feedback From Saathis
44
11 General Comments
49
1
ANAND MELAS : A BACKDROP
Anand Melas Fun-Fairs for Newly Married Couples.
Towards Bringing Equality Within Couple Relationships
: A Beginning.
MASUM a rural women’s organization, formed
in 1987, has been working with the people, especially
the women, of the Purandar and Parner talukas for
women’s rights and empowerment. MASUM conducts
various programmes such as the women's health
programme, interventions against family violence.
women’s self employment programme, women’s
resource development programme, women’s economic
empowerment programme, children’s programme, tribal
empowerment programme, training, networking and
advocacy initiatives, with a feminist perspective and a
democratic approach.
MASUM under its intervention against family
violence Programme, decided to make a beginning at
preventing violence within intimate relationships in the
most simple but innovative manner. That was by striking
at the most delicate chord of the couple relationship the sense of togetherness. Anand Melas' with newly
wedded couples has been the way out. The 'Anand Mela's
is a beginning towards experiencing the joy of
togetherness, and enhancing sensitivity, respect and
understanding. The Melas have activities constructed
with the purpose of helping couples locate their own
Anand Melas 1
special space - a space for friendship, sharing, mutual
trust and support - and respecting each other’s
'humanness'.
HOW THE IDEA OF THE ‘ANAND MELA' FOR
COUPLES EMERGED
The women (who live in the drought-prone, povertystricken areas of the Purandar taluka of rural
Maharashtra), while discussing health issues with
Manisha - the founder trustee of MASUM, have shared
the most intimate aspects of their lives with her. They
spoke about the way in which these aspects have
manifested into the visible problems of today such as
desertion, separation, and isolation - that have
shattered their marital lives.
There was Meena*. who had parted from her
husband, who told Manisha that he was really a ’nice’
person - and could not understand what had gone wrong
with their relationship. Asha disclosed that she refused
sex to show her displeasure and disappointment at her
husband’s behaviour thus causing a strain in their
relation, which then slowly manifested into violence
followed by a separation. It was S.hobha - married at
16, who, loaded with the tasks of serving her in-laws,
thought that she was married into the family for this
very purpose, and therefore did not understand the
reason or need of getting intimate with her husband in
any sense. The consequence was a discord, violence
and separation. Message of An “I don’t need you’’
prevailed in the marital lives of Meena, Asha and Shobha
and all three of them were living with a feeling of not
being wanted.
‘ All names of women and men who have interacted with MASUMduring the
meals or otherwise have been changed, in order to maintain confidentiality.
Anand Mclas 2
Manisha explained that she soon learnt that the
rural, traditional and rigid norms never really provided
the space for intimacy between the couple. The wives
and husbands had bound into roles that did not allow
space for even a basic dialogue. Also, their sex life was
mere ritual, and conception soon after a marriage a proof
of masculinity or femininity. If emotional intimacy did
not develop during the initial period of passion and
sexual attract ion, the chances of it developing later were
really low. Such a state of affairs can never bridge the
gender gap between the husband-wife as man-woman
and the state of domination-subordination is bound to
continue - especially with the prevalence of patriarchal
family structures. With it injustice and violence against
women would continue.
One of the ways out was to provide the space and
opportunity for amicable interactions - child like friendly
sporting interactions in the early years of marriage. Such
an experience can help in breaking communication
barriers between the couple. It can prove to them that
it is possible to relate to each other as friends and
experience the joy in each other’s company. Manisha
thought that exposing the couple to experience joy in
being together in a situation where there is no apparent
job to be completed or no particular goal to be fulfilled.
would be a good beginning.
The mutual gentleness and grace required to
nurture any relationship, especially a couple
relationship, is a distant possibility, in a society that
presumes that man’s manliness lies in his aggression.
Making the men undergo an experience of satisfaction
and sense of fulfillment by adopting non-aggressive and
gentle ways is one of the ways of breaking aggressive
male stereotypes. Hence it has been one of the important
objectives of the Melas - to provide an experience to
Anand Melas 3
men of finding a sense of fulfillment, satisfaction and
joy of behaving in gentle and non-aggressive ways with
their wives.
Hence such Melas were organised as a beginning
for promoting a healthy, non-violent relationship within
the couple.
THE OBJECTIVES OF THE MELA
THEREFORE DEFINED AS FOLLOWS
1
2
3
4
5
6
WERE
To promote dialogue between the couple.
To provide a space for amicable couple interaction.
To conduct activities that would help the couples
to know more about each other.
To help couples undergo an experience of having
child-like fun together.
To encourage verbalization of the experience of
being together.
To provide information on important aspects of
marriage such as marriage registration, sexuality,
and ways of strengthening the marital relationship.
Such melas were conducted in the last two years.
The experience and feedback of the couples encouraged
MASUM to make the melas a regular annual feature.
For eg. One couple after the mela declared that they
had married each other once again 'today' - the earlier
marriage had been an 'arranged' marriage and today's
was a 'love' marriage!
® ® ®
Anand Melas 4
2
OUTLINE OF THE ANAND MELAS
Based on the past experience of conducting the
Melas for the last two years, MASUM decided to organise
a Mela this year too. With little improvisation and more
confidence, MASUM held the Mela for this year during
the period 25lh November to 10th December - a period
which is internationally recognised as a period of 16
days of activism against gender-based violence.
Various activities and games were designed in order
to fulfill the purpose and the objectives of the AnandMela for newly married couples. It was decided that the
couple participants of the mela would be those married
for five or less than five years, and that it would be a
one day mela.
THE FOLLOWING WAS THE SCHEDULE OF THE
ONE DAY MELA
1
Introduction of MASUM and Explaining the Purpose
of the Mela.
2
Conducting Participatory Activities and Games with
the Couples, as follows
Activity no. 1 : Introducing your partner to all
others present.
Activity no. 2 : Constructing the jigsaw puzzle
together as a couple.
Activity no. 3 : Three legged race.
Anand Melas 5
Activity no. 4 : Weaving flowers as head-dress for
their wives
3
Informative Sessions on - Relationship Building
- Registering the Marriage
- Sex, Sexual Relations,
Conception,
Contraception and other
Related Issues
4
Photo Session - of Each Couple and the Group.
The melas being a part of the Family Violence
Intervention Programme, the para-legal indigenous and
trained workers formed an important task force in
organizing the mela as well as maintaining a follow-up.
These melas would help the people look at para-legal
workers not only as those who are engaged in women’s
rights issues and questioning violent men/ families, but
also as those who intend to bring in to joy marital
relationships. "Happiness lies not in violence but in
harmony” - is the peace message that MASUM intended
to give.
® @ ®
Anand Melas 6
3
THE ENVIRONMENT IN THE MELAS
1
The environment was kept as informal as possible with no formal inaugurations or no participation of
any sarpanch or any other “prestigious” person.
There were no tables and the seating arrangement
was squatting on the floor covered with a mattress.
2 Visually, the atmosphere was that of a wedding
ceremony or a village celebration, with the pandal
made up of cloth of gay and bright colours and with
cloth festoons or chandelier like cloth hanging from
the ceiling. Some villages also had film music playing
through loud speakers.
3 While the saathis were there to welcome the guests,
the other staff and facilitators played a major role in
making the participants feel at ease - through
informal talks, talking to the infants and children
who accompanied the couples and teasing them too.
4 Archana, the main facilitator of the mela was always
encouraging while the participants were performing
various activities. She used non-confrontational
language even when certain answers to questions
in the introductory session were untrue (for eg "My
partner never gets angry” or 'There is nothing that I
dislike about my partner".) She gave messages subtly
by using humour, or generalizing statements rather
than personalizing an observation. She appreciated
Anand. Melas 7
their participation time and again and this was really
necessary for helping the couples to open up and
be more free. Every activity for each couple was
followed by applause. This coaxing brought in the
child-like atmosphere into the interaction with the
couple - so that the couple too would enjoy the child
like fun of the games and activities together.
5
Discussions following the activities were not lengthy
- the couples were encouraged to express what they
felt about the activity - and more serious talk was
reserved for the session on relationship building.
The next activity/ game followed the earlier activity
almost immediately.
6 The melas except for the one at Pondhe and at
Waghapur ended with a feed-back from the couple
about the mela.
7 The Saathis engaged in assisting with material
distribution and in conducting the games.
8
Vehicles were arranged to bring and drop the couples
residing at a distance from the venue or residing in
another village, as the transport system in the
villages is extremely poor.
9 The photograph of the couple was a gift to the couple
from MASUM.
® ® ®
Anand. Melas 8
4
THE ANAND MELAS IN 5 VILLAGES
The melas were held in five villages of the project
area of MASUM. In all 54 couples participated. The table
below gives the distribution of the couples who
participated in the melas in the five villages according
to the duration of the marriage.
Names of the villages where the Melas were held
Years of
marriage
Pondhe
Pargaon
Naigaon Waghapur Vanpuri
TOTAL
26/11/04 28/11/04 3/12/04 5/12/04 8/12/04
Below
4
4
2
3-5
1
4
4
3
0
2
14
Not
8
17
Not
1
6
available
5 years
Not
4
available
years
Above
Not
available
2 years
0
0
0
15
2
17
8
8
8
15
15
54
Available
TOTAL
The couples who participated in the melas came
from the neighbouring villages. The Pondhe village meta
had couples from Pondhe, Rajewadi and Tekawadi
villages.
The Pargoan village mela had couples from Pargaon
and Rajewadi villages.
The Naigaon village mela had couples from Naigaon
and Mavadi villages.
Anand Melas 9
The Waghapur mela had couples from Waghapur village.
The Vanpuri village mela had couples from Vanpuri and
Pimpri villages.
The para-legal team of "Saathi” played an important
role in identifying couples and motivating them to
participate in the Mela. They made personal visits to
the homes of the newly married couples. They had to
convince not only the couple, but also it was important
for them to seek permission of the elders of the family,
for participating in the mela. Many a time, the Saathis
had to make repeated visits for persuading them. They
also had to escort the couples from their residence to
the venue. They had to be "pulled" out of their houses.
So much was the inhibition and resistance to participate
in the mela. Hence, most melas started later than the
schedule. However, it was interesting to note that as
word passed around, the participation and co-operation
increased - which is evident from figures in the table
above - from the first at Pondhe to the last mela of
Vanpuri.
The mela in the Pondhe village was the first mela.
It had 8 couples who participated. Although 3 couples
who were married for more than 5 years did not fit the
criteria, they were allowed to participate with the
expectation that the word would spread and
participation at other villages would increase. Also one
such couple who witnessed the introductory talk, was
impressed and sought permission on the spot to
participate.
The mela at Waghapur was held in the evening
because that was the time convenient to the
participants. However, due to electricity failure and lack
of light, it was not possible to note in writing the years
of marriage, and hence the table shows the data as not
Anand. Melas 10
available. Also all activites as scheduled could not be
completed due to lack of time and the delay in starting
the mela.
The group at Pargaon and Naigaon were small with
8 couples each ahd started about 2hours later than
scheduled. The mela at Vanpuri, the last of the series
of melas, had many participants and also started earlier
than the other melas.
PHYSICAL SET UP
All the 5 melas were held in open spaces covered
with a pandal. The pandals were made of colorful cloth
- as in weddings, and were covered from 3 sides for
maximum privacy. The banner of MASUM was the only
thing that was hung on one of the walls of the pandal.
The floor was covered with large mats. The partners sat
beside each other and the seating was circular.
Arrangements of drinking water and food for lunch were
provided at the venue. Arrangements for microphone
and for music were made at all melas except the last
one. The power failures during the day really did not
allow the full use of the microphone.
Two separate stalls were also provided of which
one was inside a room that had proper privacy. The
open stall was the legal information stall where posters
on laws of marriage and violence against women were
displayed. The senior 'Saathis' were there to guide them
on law and registration of marriage. The closed rooms
were the stalls where information on sexuality was
provided where the "Sadaphulis" (women health
workers) and the sister of the Women’s Health Centre,
Ms. Lata Mohite of Saswad guided them.
® ® ®
Anand Melas 11
5
THE PARTICIPATORY ACTIVITIES
AND GAMES
The details of each participatory activity/ game the objective, the rationale, the tasks, the points for
discussion and observations is presented below.
> ACTIVITY 1 : ABOUT OUR PARTNERS
The objectives of this activity were
1 To get to know each other better.
2 To get information about each other by enquiring
with each other.
3 To understand how to use this information for
strengthening the relationship.
RATIONALE
A couple relationship is defined as a dyadic
relationship in which the two individuals expect to have
a long-term intimate relationship. Any relationship
begins with knowing each other. The growth of the
relationship as well as its intimacy depends upon what
each individual in that relationship does with the
knowledge he/she has about the other. It can be used
either to strengthen it, help each other grow, or to exploit
the other.
In the villages of the Purandar taluka, where the
space for even the basic dialogue for the couple is
limited, information about each other is obtained by
Anand Melas 12
chance - just in the course of day-to-day living. Many
things got assumed or were taken for granted. Hence,
the partners often remained ignorant about ways of
pleasing each other or abstaining from doing or saying
things that a partner disliked.
ACTIVITIES
Hence the first activity that was scheduled was an
introduction of one partner by the other using a
guideline of 8 questions about their partner. They were
required to write the answers on a sheet of paper in
consultation with their partners in order to ensure that
the answers were correct. The questions were as follows
1 Your partner's name and age.
2 Duration of marriage
3 Your partner’s favourite food item/ delicacy.
4 The food delicacy that is disliked by your partner.
5 When does your partner get angry?
6 What makes your partner happy?
7 What are the things that you like about your
partner?
8 What are the things that you dislike about your
partner?
Each one was then expected to share the answers
with the group as an "introduction of the partner".
A Discussion on this activity, was how did they
feel while asking questions to each other, listening to
the other, and taking about oneself and one's opinion
of the other.
OBSERVATIONS
The partners introduced each other with a
guideline of the 8 questions. When Archana told them
that these questions were to be answered in consultation
Anand. Melas 13
with each other, there were many men like Harish from
Naigaon. who said "What is there to consult about - I
know my wife fully well", but was surprised to realize
that he was unable to answer questions like - what
food item she liked or what she did not like about him.
There were 4 couples from Naigaon who denied getting
angry or denied disliking anything about the partner. It
may be just that they were taking the activity very lightly
or did not want each other or the others in the group to
know about their feelings or were not able to really
express these feelings in a way that would not feel
hurtful or wanted to show the group how “good" they
were. Having realized there were things about likes,
dislikes and negative qualities that were shared by the
others, and realizing that they had not given serious
thought to such things, they became more serious in
the activities that followed.
Women were more serious but many were also shy
while they disclosed what they had written. While many
women were shy, not many hesitated to say the names
of their husbands, (those who were unable to write, were
helped by the Saathis). The twinkle in their eyes as they
disclosed their positive and negative feelings about their
partners and the giggles that passed around, gave the
melas a gay and lively feel.
They used this opportunity to communicate their
expectations from their partners and their feelings about
them. For eg. Shobha told her husband that she does
not like the way he brings other people into their mutual
quarrel and makes the quarrel bigger. Sunil appreciated
his wife’s looks and her language skills that made things
so much easier for him. Sneha gave the message that
she enjoyed her husband’s company, while Girish
expressed that he knew that giving a surprise gift to his
wife made her happy. Also Mohan communicated to his
Anand Melas 14
wife that he realized that she did not like him drinking
and declared so frankly to the group. Many men
conveyed to their wives that being disobedient made
them angry, while women conveyed that not doing work
that they had promised to do, coming home late, roaming
with friends, made them angry.
The introduction activity was used by men and
especially women to communicate straight away what
they liked and disliked about their partners. It made
them feel good when their partners appreciated them.
Very few gave concrete answers to questions like what
makes their partners angry or what they like about their
partner. The answers were as vague as - “I like his good
qualities" or “I like her nature”. Very few - only 33% were really able to say concretely what was the kind of
nature or the specific qualities that they liked. For
example one woman said that she likes the way her
partner’s behaviour changes according to the demands
of the situation. A husband appreciated the laughing
nature (being happy) of his wife, while a wife declared
that her husband is too quiet and does not speak much
and hence makes things difficult for her - to understand
him and his feelings.
The body language of the women - their shyness
and the blushing as their partners were talking about
them and when they were talking about their husbands,
showed that they were happy to be with their husbands.
They also said that they were happy that this was the
place where they were giving time exclusively to each
other and getting attention. One couple from Mavadi
village who lived separately on account of the nature of
job - ever since marriage was happy to spend time
together at this mela (out of the joint family), they
declared, and thanked MASUM. Quarrels, conflicts and
anger was generally verbalized as things they disliked/
Anand. Melas 15
Many couples who were present at the mela at
Waghapur were school teachers. While some were able
to verbalize easily there were others who could not. A
wife whose marriage was 2 V2 years old declared that
she has not seen her husband angry even once, but
she herself did not like him coming home late! One
husband - also a teacher from Waghapur accepted that
he did not know what eatable his wife disliked, because
he never paid “so much” attention to her as theirs was
a joint family! This may be true with many others. The
uniqueness of the woman as an individual gets hidden
irrespective of whether the family is educated or enjoys
a high social status.
After each couple had finished the introduction
they wrote the names of their partners on the badges
provided, and pinned them up on their partners shirt/saree.
A few women told us, after the activity that this
was the first time their husbands had enquired about
what eatable they liked. On two occasions it so happened
that the wife had to correct the husband about her likes
and dislikes. This introduction activity made the couples
realize that one needs to take special efforts - for eg ask
questions or enquire, in order to know the partner even in the case of a five year old marriage. One cannot
take for granted or assume even simple things - about
what a partner likes or dislikes to eat. Simple and small
things matter a lot in an intimate relationship and
therefore all the more reason to take special efforts to
know the partner to the greatest possible extent - was
the message that this activity had tried to give.
> ACTIVITY 2 : THE JIGSAW PUZZLE
OBJECTIVES
1 Solving the jig-saw puzzle together.
Anand Melos 16
2 To experience the sense togetherness on an equal
forting that holds no gendered norms.
3 To experience the joy of a co-operative effort at
construction of a completed picture.
RATIONALE
Men and women are restricted within stereotypical
gendered defined roles. Responsibilities of running the
family and the household are therefore divided rather
than shared. Men are bread winners and decision
makers (especially those decision that are important
for maintaining or raising the status of the family)
Women are home makers and care takers who may at
times are also expected to supplement house hold
income, and are not expected to participate in any major
decisions.
Providing them with an experience of relating to
each other in spaces in which such roles are undefined,
and one participates using ones utmost potential
(intellectual, analytical, and estimation skills - as in
this game) would be the strategy.
ACTIVITY
Each couple was required to sit together (facing
each other). The pieces of the jigsaw puzzle were given
to each couple. They were required to solve the puzzle
together so as to form the complete picture in the least
possible time. The couple that completed the picture first.
The Discussion was based on the following
questions
How did they solve the puzzle, how did each of
them contribute in solving it, what helped them
construct it and what delayed them, how did they feel
while and after completing the puzzle.
Anand Melos 17
OBSERVATIONS
The game of jig-saw puzzle was conducted. Except
for three to four couples, all the rest were playing this
game for the first time. Through some of them had
seen their children play it in school.
The pictures that were selected for the jigsaw puzzle
were those of fruits and vegetables that they were
familiar with. After explaining the rules of the activity,
all the couples who participated in the mela played it
together. This game was played more seriously as there
was less of verbal communication and the two had to
do it between themselves (it did not have a public face).
It was observed that the involvement of both was to the
same extent. None of the participants sat back or
surprisingly, tried to pull or push, or for that matter,
dominate.
It was very interesting to see a wife - in a couple at
Pargaon village - whose husband seemed a little slow,
guide him for putting the pieces in place - so that he
feels part of the achievement. It was worth observing
her sensitivity to his needs, all through the mela. A
personal talk with her later on (by student social
workers) revealed that she is an ambitious woman who is a graduate and even knows how to drive a fourwheeler. In pursuit of a fulfilling marriage within the
traditional norms of the village, she is expected to be a
"superwoman” taking responsibilities of their farm, the
shop and the house, but at the same time needing to
seek permission and approval from her mother-in-law
- to make sure that she is well under control. Coming
to the mela was an ordeal. She said she had to tell her
in-laws very assertively to bring her husband along.
Co-operation within the couple was to the fullest
as every couple wanted to win — no matter which partner
Anand Melas 18
did what with the piece of puzzle! - hence, there was no
scope for ego problems and neither were there any roles
defined for each of them -It made them work in unison
with each other - using their observation, intelligence
and analytical ability - and together. It provided them
with an experience of working and interacting in an
environment devoid of any gender norms.
While some couples were observed to be joining
one part with another together, a few others tried to
make larger parts of the puzzle separately and then join
them together - but they took longer than those who
made it together (probably because the number of pieces
were not too many.
While some couples finished in reasonable time,
some needed a little bit of help from the facilitators.
The facilitators made sure that all of them completed
the picture.
The observations given above were verbalized by
the group and by the facilitators. These observations
were used later while talking about ways of
strengthening the relationship and resolving problems.
As the couples completed the pictures, everybody
present gave them a big hand. The environment was
charged with encouraging reactions from the facilitators
and the rest of the MASUM team.
> ACTIVITY 3 : THREE LEGGED RACE
OBJECTIVES
1 To overcome the shyness of being in close
physical proximity in presence of others.
2 To provide the experience of being in tune with
each other in order to reach a goal.
3 To promote the feeling of togetherness.
Anand Melas 19
RATIONALE
In the conservative environment of the village life,
physical proximity in public between the couple especially the newly married - is not permitted. Physical
proximity is limited to the bedroom or only while
performing religious rites - where again a dialogue is
almost absent. However, touch, outside of sexual life is so very important in showing feelings of care,
closeness, and friendliness - which in turn enhances
the sense of togetherness and gets acknowledged by
others too.
Being in tune with each-other means establishing
a pattern of thought, communication and behavior, that
would make the couple more compatible. Compatibility
is defined as the quality in a partnership in which
partners act in ways that are simultaneously pleasing
to oneself as well as rewarding to the other, in order to
achieve the relationship goal. Compatibility is not
achieved automatically only because the personality of
the two “match”, but it is attained out of understanding,
sensitivity and adjustment Communication forms the
basis of this compatibility.
The game -‘Three legged race” attempts to provide
an opportunity and experience of planning for the race
so as to take care not to hurt, or allow the partner to
fall, but at the same time move as fast as possible in
order to win. The achievement of reaching the winning
post successfully - with proper co-ordination, is itself a
fulfilling experience. Although the game in itself may
not call for such a deep implication for understanding
the meaning of compatibility, it definitely expects to
stimulate the couple to think about the sense of
fulfillment out of a co-ordinate and joint effort in which
the well-being of both partners is taken care of by each
Anand Melas 20
other. Physical proximity adds greatly to the feeling of
togetherness.
ACTIVITY
It is a race that has a starting post and a winning
post. At the starting post, the partners are made to stand
beside each other. The ankle of the right leg of one
partner is tied to the ankle of the left leg of the other, so
that it makes three legs. The couples with their legs
tied are then expected to run together to reach the
winning post. The couple that reaches the winning post
first is the winner.
DISCUSSION
What enabled the couple to co-ordinate, what were
the hindering factors? How did it feel to be close to each
other and run together?
OBSERVATION
This game was explained by Archana. This game
provided for lot of physical proximity between the couple.
Wives who were pregnant backed out of the game, as
they feared that a fall could harm them. There was
considerable hesitation to hold each other together
initially. They were shy to show their proximity in public.
however, since the game cannot be played without
holding each other by the shoulder or atleast by the
hand, they had to overcome their shyness.
Most couples ran together coordinating their
movements so that they moved fast, smoothly and
without falling. Many of them were not familiar with
the game, while some had only seen it. Just a handful
had actually played it. As a couple all of them were
playing it for the first time. Hence it was more exciting.
Anand Melas 21
I 0
50
A few couples who seemed to have understood the
whole purpose of the mela were just happy to move one
leg at a time, together, maintaining the proximity and
with absolutely no hurry to reach the finish line. These
were however the more educated couples of which some
were part of the staff of MASUM.
There were one or two couples in each mela who
moved together not letting the tied foot touch the ground
- as if while playing "langdr - hopping on one leg. This
was more difficult. But holding each other, they also
reached the finish post successfully, but were a little
slower.
There very only two-three couples among whom
the husbands tried to just pull their wives along without
caring to see if she was at his pace or not. This was
followed by a fall, but they realized that they needed to
move together. The facilitators made sure that every
couple - whatever be the pace or the falls, reached the
finish line.
Co-ordination, achieved more by way of planning
before the start of the game, by talking about it to each
other, was discussed as the means towards the smooth
journey. There were others who said that they adjusted
their pace of putting their feet forward, without actually
talking to each other, and had reached the goal. However
sensitivity of the movement of their partner, without
actually speaking, had allowed them to synchronize
their own steps, they explained. This game provided an
experiential learning opportunity for co-ordination,
being sensitive, importance in deciding upon a common
goal and working for it together - that brings success to
a relationship and makes it more fulfilling.
In this game, there were no rules provided as who
should lead. Either of the couple initiated in the
Anand Melos 22
planning. However, the aggressive tendencies of a few
men did emerge in cases where the women were at first
just pulled. But when the men became non-aggressive,
they were able to make the journey to the finish line
more smoothly.
It is important to note that positive problem solving
experiences and achievement of common goals through
mutual support in the early years of marriage become
important sources of confidence building in resolving
more complicated problems that may come up later in
life. The mutuality and interdependence starts
developing through this kind of experience in the early
years of marriage.
> ACTIVITY 4 : WEAVING FLOWERS AS HEAD
DRESS FOR THEIR WIVES.
OBJECTIVES
1 To bring in a gentle atmosphere of romance within
the mela.
2 To provide an experience of fulfillment to men
arising out of non-aggressive and gentle ways of
expression and behaviour with their wives.
3 To sensitize men about the need for making their
wives (especially in a patriarchal society) feel
important in the couple relationship.
RATIONALE
Flowers symbolize positive feelings of love and
respect. They also symbolize grace, gentleness, beauty
and tenderness. This activity was conducted to press
upon the men the gentleness and grace required to
nurture the relationship and therefore a change in the
aggressive male stereo-type. It is very rare for men to
do things that women normally do, especially delicate
Anand Melas 23
tasks like weaving flowers. Hence this activity proposed
to provide the experience of doing delicate “womanly”
tasks to prove that it was possible for men to perform
such tasks, and that men had nothing to lose due to
such behaviors, and in fact could make the couple
relationship more intimate, satisfying and friendly. They
would also begin to acknowledge the efforts that women
put in to carry out delicate tasks.
ACTIVITY
This activity requires small flowers that can be
woven to be worn on the hair, a small basket, needle
and tread. The wife stands with the basket containing
the flowers, and holds the needle, threads is and then
weaves the flowers on it. He is expected to prepare a
long and well-woven Gqjara, and dress it upon her hair.
Both the quality of the Gqjara and the quickness in
preparing it, matter in winning the game.
DISCUSSION
How did each of them feel after the activity. What
novelty did they experience? What they experienced due
to this new kind of task that they performed - was it
mutually fulfilling - in what way?
OBSERVATION
This activity turned out to be a very exciting
activity. The intention was to bring in
romance and gentleness within the couple interaction.
The Pondhe mela- the first mela in the series, saw
this activity as a race - the winner being the husband
who finishes stringing the flowers (“Gqjra") first and
dresses it on his wife’s hair. However, we noticed that
there was so much hurry that the beauty of the activity
was lost, the Gajras woven were small and the were
Anand Melas 24
dressed quite shabbily on the hair. Hence, keeping the
objectives of the activity in mind, the facilitators, in the
other melas made it a point to tell the couples that the
look of the "Gqjard' and the style of dressing it on the
hair was more important than speed. The quantity of
flowers given was unlimited.
This was the first time that most of the husbands
were threading the needle and for all of them it was the
first time that they were weaving it and also dressing it
on the hair. The wives were told that rules of the game
did not permit any help to their husbands in any way.
However there were three to four instances when the
wives did thread the needle when their husbands just
gave up. There was a twinkle of joy in the eyes of the
women, who watched their husbands struggle as they
tried to thread the needles. There were waves of giggles
especially when the piece of thread just slipped through
the eye of the needle, and roars of laughter as the flowers
that were strung just slipped out of the thread just
because they had not tied a knot to the thread or had
pulled the flowers a bit too much on the thread. They
had to be gentle or the flower stalks would tear. There
was further excitement when the husbands sportingly
laughed at themselves for such silly mistakes.
Some wives were seen telling their husbands as
they wove the flowers that it was sufficient while some
were telling them to weave more flowers for them. Many
of the husbands asked for more flowers. They made
long Gajaras and again had a tough time in putting it
on the hair. The wives were not supposed to help them
in any way - except pass on a safety pin or a bob-pin if
they had one. Some of the men handled the hair really
delicately, as their wives were full of shy smiles. They
wanted their photographs to be taken while they dressed
the Gajaras they had prepared on their wives hair. There
Anand Melas 25
was an air of pride as the couples finished the given
task.
The men had prepared the Gajaras for the first
time, they said and this was also the first time that
they had dressed it on their wives hair. Some of them
did buy Gajaras for their wives, they said, but they had
a "different" sort of experience when they made it with
their own hands, they said. The women expressed their
joy at receiving it and wearing it because it had a different
significance and considered it as a token of love.
All the activities were scheduled pre-lunch.
This session was followed by lunch in most melas
except the ones in Pondhe and in Waghapur where the
melas started in the afternoon and evening respectively.
OTHER ACTIVITITES
There was one additional activity that was
conducted at Pargaon Mela - “the opening of the fist”.
Archana instructed the couples to stand in front of each
other. The wives were asked to close their fists, while
the husbands were asked to open it. Opening of the fist
was taken as a challenge - a game- and the wives held
their fists tight as the husbands tried to force it open.
Many wives soon gave in - except for one who contested
for a longer time - and there was that glow of victory!
>
The next activity of making the Gqjara followed
immediately. Except for bringing to the notice of the
couple, jokingly, that the husband could have used just
a simple statement or a request to make his wife open a
fist instead of force, there was no discussion. It is
important to mention here, that during the feedback
session at the end of the mela, this husband whose
wife contested for a longer time than others, appreciated
all other activities, but enquired with Archana that he
Anand Melas 26
did not understand the significance of this activity. He
seemed hurt that his wife had challenged him and seem
to wonder whether MASUM taught them to challenge.
Archana apologized for having missed out the discussion
on this activity as it was conducted just to fill up the
time gap between two activities, and clarified that the
activity actually was half done - and would have been
completed if roles of fist opening were reversed. She
explained further that communication, persuasion were
the skills that were required for a harmonious
relationship. Nobody like to be forced and force in
defiance and challenge - which were not beneficial for
the relationship.
At Waghapur an activity of putting straws into the
hair of their wives by their husbands was conducted.
However, none of the natives of Waghapur village
participated in it. Only couples (two) who were part of
staff of MASUM from Pune participated. - The reason
was that they were conscious of the people who were
watching - somehow they did not like the activity.
® ® ®
Anand. Melas 27
6
FEEDING EACH OTHER
The menu for lunch was typically the conventional
lunch provided in marriages. It consisted of a vegetable
- "rassa bhaji” or pulses -“usal", a spicy variety of rice"Masale bhat" a sweet -“bundi" or “Jelebi”. The lunch
began with saying the partners first name - poetically
"uukahaane" and putting a piece of sweet in the partners
mouth. This again is a tradition followed by the bride
and the groom, in wedding lunches, popularly known
as "ghaas bharavne" in Marathi.
Two men through their “ukhaanna” expressed the
aggression and the right of beating the wife. The
facilitators took note of it but did not confront them.
Lunch was followed by more serious and
informative sessions.
® ® ®
Anand Melos 28
7
INFORMATIVE DIALOUGE
More serious talk and discussion on relationship
building, information on sexuality - conception,
contraception, problems etc, and importance of marriage
registration, were scheduled post-lunch.
The para-legal workers - “Saathis” - were expected
to bring marriage registration forms to be filled up by
couples whose marriages were not registered.
RELATIONSHIP BUILDING
The.purpose of conducting this session was to allow
for expression of the couples’ experiences in playing
the games and doing the activities together. The
intention of the facilitators was to translate these
feelings into a better understanding in relationship
building and growth. This was a serious session, though
participatory - in the form of a discussion. This session
was conducted by Archana in the first mela and then
by Prasanna - a resource person, working on violence
and marital issues with "Susamvad"
Some of the issues in relationship formation and
building a healthy intimate relationship among newly
weds were as follows
1
The pressure of expectations from the family to
which the newly couple
2
Superficial knowledge about each other.
Anand Melas 29
3
The values and understanding about the in-laws
influenced by the upbringing of each partner.
4 Respect that the partners show each other.
5
Limitations for the basic dialogue due to the
community norms of the community.
6 Expressing to the partner that he/she is “special”,
showing appreciation, bringing friendship into
the couple relationship.
7
Expression of emotions - especially those of anger
and other negative emotions.
8 The elements of understanding, cooperation,
sharing, expression of emotion.
9
Enhancing communication, joint decision
making
10 The notion about the family as being “two wheels
of a chariot" and other such notions.
11 Differences - and how to look at them and
understand why they can exist
12 Skills in making the marriage work - enhancing
happiness and sense of fulfillment.
In order to elicit participatory discussion some
leading questions were asked by the facilitators.
References were made to the experience of the games
and activities. They were as follows:
1
Why does one marry? - for companionship, sex,
progeny
and making a home/family.
2
What are the things necessary to make a home?
- good partner, money, stable income, house
etc....
3 Out of these - which are those necessities that
are dependent on factors that are out of our
Anand Melas 30
control? - for eg rain - if there is no rain it will
affect the Income. And which of these are perfectly
within our control?- our relationship
4 How would you like your relationship with your
partner be? Caring
etc. etc
sharing both
happiness and sorrows.
5
When can you really support each other or be
“together” in happiness or sorrow?
among
other responses ....unless you know what a
joyous or sorrowful event means to your
partner...ie unless you are sensitive to your
partner...
6
How can you be sensitive to your partner? ....the
beginning is by getting to know each other - more
deeply (explain) - for that communication and
dialogue becomes necessary
and for this each
partner should provide the space or the
environment to give and take or tell and
listen
her "small" things matter ...give
examples of what is the real feeling when a gift is
given to your wife ....what becomes important...
the gift or the message that “you are special for
me”....Now referring to the questions asked to
each other in the introduction activity as well
as other remarks made by the participants...
7
How would you use the information ...including
the positive and the negative information that
you have obtained about your partner ... for
strengthening your relationship?
among other
responses highlight appreciating the partner which then gives the right to criticise the partner
- other wise only criticism would occupy the
relationship space...and hinder intimacy and
increase conflict. Talk about conflict resolution
Anand Melos 31
and how a conflict situation can go beyond the
issue of conflict and emerge as a battle - an ego
battle where loyalties can get questioned - by
giving examples - and how this becomes
sufficient for communication to stop.
8 Do you communicate to the partner about the
things you have liked about him/her? Why is
this important (accepting the partner - with
positives and negatives) - to look at each other's
qualities as being different and not as “good” or
“bad".
9 What would you do with the things you do not
like about your partner ? -use information given
by the couple as examples. ...assess how
significant that negative is to you, your
relationship and your family....allow space for
each other to discuss - i.e speak out and listen,
be objective ... eg drinking ...there are no two
opinions about drinking ...the fact is it is bad for
health...then look at is as a problem to be solved
rather than a complaint to be made and then
take steps to resolve it together. This can never
happen if it is not perceived a “problem”. Certain
things cannot change - for eg physical
characteristics, likes, dislikes, interest etc...
which are a part of upbringing.
10 Have you ever thought about the change in the
environment that occurs due to marriage for a
woman? What are these changes (even the
change in the attire)? - what are the adjustments
that she has to make and what the marriage when the newness means to her? -discuss.
11 If you want to have a happy and fulfilling
relationship -can you define this as the goal of
Anand Melas 32
your marriage? - and achieve it by strengthening
your relationship? If so then just as you need to
take special efforts to reach any goal (even for eg
- going to Saswad), you need to give time, thought
and take efforts to strengthen your relationship
- you cannot take it for granted. Compare the
sense of fulfillment by giving and seeking
cooperation and that which is obtained by force
or coercion - which is better - and therefore
importance of joint effort and joint decisions - so
that the responsibility of the consequence of the
decision will be with both the partners - a factor
that would enhance togetherness.- again
highlight importance of free communication (the
space to speak and listen)
12 Reference was made to the activity of the jigsaw
puzzle - in which some couples needed just a
little help to complete the picture - accept that
at times we may need help of others or of experts
for resolving problems or differences. MASUM is
one such organization that can help couples in
doing so.
13 What are some of the barriers in communication?
- among others ...labeling the partner that he or
she "will never understand” .. and so stop
communication... .which would further puzzle the
partner about certain decisions taken —give
examples.
14 In which ever comer of the would you may go,
whether it is urban or rural, India or America,
relationship building skills between two persons
are the same - whatever “big" words you may
use. And if we feel that my happiness lies in a
satisfying relationship with my partner then it is
Anand. Melas 33
necessary for me to give time and thought to
myself, my partner and my relationship. - You
can make this commitment now.
15 Would your relationship not strengthen if you
don’t keep in mind the points discussed in this
session? —it can - but would be left to chance and the possibility of existence of unresolved
differences can also rise. Achieving a small set
goals, of which each one is aware, can make the
effort more enjoyable, increase the enthusiasm
and enhance the sense of togetherness.
16 The session ended by expressing best wishes.
This scheme of discussion was followed in two
camps - Naigaon and Vanpuri, while in the other camps,
the session had to be adjusted according to the time
available and the mood of the participants at the time after the games and the activities. The mela did not
provide scope for question-answer session, due to time
constraints and issue could get personalized and that
would need a serious follow-up.
REGISTRATION OF MARRIAGE
In this session, Archana explained how a marriage
becomes a legal bond between the couple. She also
explained that the proof of this legal marriage helps in
many practical transactions - such as securing the wife’s
name on the ration card, securing the passport, securing
loans, in property deals, and in many other formalities
for securing benefits of government schemes. She
explained that the only valid document for proof of
marriage is registration of the marriage and that for
those who have not registered, the procedure can start
today. The "Saathi" of the village was ready with the
registration forms and many couples came forward to
make the registration.
Anand Melos 34
At Waghapur, this activity could not take place in
the schedule and Archana announced that they could
visit the "Saathi" Centre for this purpose. Some of them
were married at a place outside the jurisdiction for
registration, and hence they could not be registered.
Maximum registrations were made at Pondhe (5 out of
8) and 1 had already registered. A total of ....
registrations took place as a result of the melas.
SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP
The couples were then left to opt for consulting at
the sexuality stall - guided by Sister Lata Dudhane who
works at the Feminist Health Centre at Saswad. They
all opted to visit the stall together as couples. Earlier
experiences of MASUM have been that only women came
forward to take the information while men had remained
out. However in the melas there was a change. Almost
all couples opted to seek consultation together. However
this session could not be held at Waghapur because of
the time constraint - the mela here was scheduled in
the evening and the power failure added to the delay.
At Pargaon and Vanpuri, two-three couples went
in for consultation at a time while at Naigaon three
couples preferred to consult one at a time. At Pondhe
all the couples were instructed at the same time together. In the mean while, the others were engaged
in registration of their marriage or in the photo session.
Sr. Lata used charts and models to explain the
male and female reproductive system organs, how
fertilization took place, what was ovulation and when
did it take place. She explained what caused
menstruation, where were sperms produced, what was
semen and what were the determinants of the sex of
the child
Anand Melas 35
The contraceptives - such as pills, condom and
copper-T were shown and she explained how each
contraceptive worked, what was to be done if a pill was
missed out. tube pregnancy - detection, risk and
treatment, the life of sperms and the precautions to be
taken for three months after vasectomy for pregnancy
prevention. She also explained hysterectomy and
process of vasectomy. Information on how to plan for
the first child or for the second child was also given.
The more important part of the session was the
information on how the contraceptives worked - (those
used by women and those used by men.) The objective
was to inform them that male contraceptives were
harmless whereas female contraceptives interfere with
the body functioning. She explained that female
contraceptives such as pills affected the body secretions
(hormones), Copper-T worked as a foreign body for
preventing pregnancy and was in the body all day and
was required to be removed and replaced every two
years. Hysterectomy means a more major operation that
required prolonged post-operative care. ‘She questioned
the couple as to which then would be the better
contraceptive method.
A number of questions then poured in, they were
as follows
1
How are pills harmful - do they bring infertility?
2
Does vasectomy reduce desire - does it make the
man impotent - if not how and why?
3
Why does my wife get irregular periods - will it
affect conception or childbearing? - what should
we do about it?
4 Why is there unbearable abdominal pain when
my wife/ I -gets her periods - what to do about it?
Anand Melas 36
5
Why does a woman not conceive inspite of not
using any contraception?
6
How to use a condom?
7
We suspected a second pregnancy (not
confirmed)- our first baby is small- what can
we now?
8
My Wife has a uterus prolapsed, it is painful,
what should we do about is?
OBSERVATION
At Pondhe, where there was less privacy and the
session was conducted with the entire group together,
only one couple and one husband actually sat in front
of the facilitator to listen to the information. The others
were distracted by the photo session and the noise that
was being caused by this that was being caused by
this excitement - next door. Learning this lesson, the
place for this session was organised at distance for the
main venue, which had more privacy. It is significant to
note that at Pondhe, men were more interested in
listening to the session than the women - who were
more attracted by the photo session. One husband was
seen standing at the stall listening and he kept calling
his wife to listen and take it seriously!
At Pargaon, a couple who had a history of marital
discord, violence and alcoholism were the first to opt
for a couple consultation and the first to go together to
seek consultation. It was the wife who suffered the
prolapse uterus - that was causing further strain in
their sex life and had added to the discord. It was also
observed that husbands showed considerable concern
about irregular periods, pain and an expectation that
their wives take care of themselves - take treatment
Anand Melas 37
and eat well. Most of the newly weds were not practicing
any contraceptive methods as they intended to have
the first child as early as possible -after which they
would think of contraception and planning.
At Naigaon, couples went for consultation in pairs.
Here there were more questions pertaining to vasectomy,
abortion (not wanting the second baby so soon) and
use of pills. All the couples who took the consultation even those whose marriage age was above five years
had questions about hysterectomy and vasectomy.
At Waghapur, this session did not take place on
account of lack of time and power failure. However,
couples were informed about the Sadaphuli Centre in
the village and the Feminist health Centre at Sawad
where they could come for consultation.
At Vanpuri, couples sought consultation in groups
of two-three couples. Among other general questions
on menstruation, production of sperms and
contraception, one couple had more questions on the
after effects of hysterectomy. A husband finally declared
that after the second baby he has decided to go in for
vasectomy.
We observed that barring a handful of women, it
was men who were taking initiative in going for the
consultation, asking questions - while the women were
more shy and asked lesser questions. This conformed
to stereotypical expectations and behavior. MASUM did
provide a common platform to talk, discuss and
negotiate, but it did not go beyond seeking only
information - and together as a couple. It must have
been the first time that the couple was consultation on
sexuality issues together.
® ® ®
Anand Melas 38
8
SWEET MEMORY SESSION
The day was scheduled to end with a photo session.
For the women of the villages of the Purandar taluka,
which is not more that 30-35kms from the city of Pune,
women - especially newly married women are expected
to follow the traditional dress code - of a 5 - yard saree,
green bangles, a necklace of black beads called as
"ganthan or the mangalsutra" in Marathi, toe rings and
anklets. The nose ring is optional. Salwar-kamiz-which
is commonly worn by women in Pune city, is not
permitted. It was thought to be a good idea to provide
an opportunity for the women to wear the "SalwarKamiz” under the pretext of taking a photograph. Many
of the men who had attended college in the city/taluka
place, may have had friends who wore such dresses.
This would enable them to look at their wives with
renewed identity, and that would bring in a sense of
friendliness. Also the couple’s photograph, with the new
dress, would be a memory of the mela experience.
This activity was conducted with the objective of
helping the present generation men participating in the
mela to look at their wives “differently" - not as the
stereo-typical wives defined by their tradition - in
traditional attire - but more as their friends. It could
remind them of those female friends that they had in
college. It could also provide a beginning to accepting
that there is nothing bad or abnormal in wearing an
Anand Melos 39
attire other than the saree. and permit married women
to continue wearing the 'Sal war Kamiz" as they had worn
before marriage.
Salwar Kamiz sets for women were provided by
MASUM. The clothes were cut for wearing on special
occasions - embroidered, synthetic and cotton and one
or two with zarL
Archana’s announcement was inevitably followed
by a spate of giggles as well as shy and anxious looks of
women that left the men thinking and looking at their
wives from the comer of their eyes. There were just three
women who could assertively and immediately express
their willingness and desire to wear the new clothes for
the photo session. While women were hesitating to say
"yes” the men seemed to hesitate to say "no", in presence
of MASUM - whose objectives and intentions were well
known.
Excuses such as what will others say, parents will
not like it. 1/ she used to wear it before marriage, came
in. A LOT of time was taken for the couple to decide
whether or not the wife should wear the Salwar-Kamiz.
Women were waiting intently for their husband’s
permission while there were about four-five women who
refused to wear the clothes inspite of the permission of
their husbands - the reasons were not explored. It was
quite obvious that the women could not even exercise
their choice of clothes that they wore - and hence the
need for this activity.
The couples - especially women - whether they
had changed their attire or not were extremely happy
to have themselves photographed together . At Naigaon
and Vanpuri, couples clicked photographs - both in the
traditional saree as well as in the Salwar kamiz. The
traditional - to show to people at home and the other
Anand Melas 40
specially for themselves! This in itself was a great
achievement for MASUM - that certain secrets like these
that challenge traditional norms, remained within the
couple’s private space.
This session was marked with a lot of excitement,
noise, teasing, coaxing the couple to stand really close
to each other, smiling and without any “anxious” or
"serious looks” as the photographer Archana put it.
Again, at Waghapur, this photo session was not possible
due to time constraints and power failure.
® ® ®
Anand Melas 41
9
SOME OBSERVATIONS
Each Mela started with an introduction of MASUM,
its activities and the purpose of the mela. Archana, the
counsellor of the 'Samvaad' Kendra Counselling Centre,
welcomed the couples and explained that the couple
melas were being held for couples to have fun and enjoy
the games together. The second objective she explained
was to get to know more about each other and also talk
freely and interact with each other in a tensionless
environment where there are no pressures for any tasks
to be done or work to be completed.
The other MASUM representatives introduced
themselves to the group, followed by a song in Hindi
"Main tuzh ko vishwas do. tu muzh ko vishwas do" which
talks about mutual trust, love, give and take,
communication, giving space to each other, respect,
harmony, co-operation and happiness. The lyrics are
noted in appendix.
Some observations as couples came in Most women
wore sarees that were bright, or of silk or with attractive
borders - as worn for weddings and ceremonies. Only
three women wore Salwar-Kamiz. Men wore simpler
clothes which gave a look of coming for a casual function.
From the attire, it seemed that the melas were more
important to women than to men. Also women’s looks
and clothes reflected the status of the family, and hence
the attire.
Anand Melas 42
As the couples came in, they were shy and hardly
spoke to each other. The men separated from the women
and formed their own groups. At Pondhe village where
the first mela was held, a couple who had come from
another nearby village at 11am had to wait until 3pm
for the programme to begin until other couples came
in. However, in the mean while, they remained away
from each other. After the mela, they were both sitting
together on the step beside the health centre of MASUM,
chatting with each other.
Some couples came with a lot of apprehensions.
Some feared that their precious work time was being
wasted in this fun activity. The rains had been good
and it was after many years that they had got so much
work in the fields, they explained. Some had come
prepared for having fun, and some had come out of
curiosity and in the beginning of the mela they did scorn
at the first activity. Maximum resistance was more
evident in the first mela. The 'Saathis' had to even go to
the fields in search of couples, who on the previous day
had promised to come, and fetch them to the venue.
The resistance however decreased as the melas took
place in other villages. In the last two melas it is seen
that participation was 15 couples as compared to the
first with 8 couples.
Archana, the counsellor of the "Samvaad Kendra"
conducted the activities and the Saathis assisted her in
conducting the games.
® ® ®
Anand Melas 43
10
FEED BACK FROM SAATHIS
The following Saathis who primarily held the
responsibility of organizing the melas in the different
villages were as follows
Pondhe Village
Prakash Gaikwad
Sheela Taskar
Shalan Rant
Kalpana Yadav
Anandi Yadav
Mangal Amble
Mai an Zagade
Pargaon Village
Sugandha Khedekar
Sunanada Khedekar
Suvama Band
Naigaon Village
Sushila Kad
Babita Golande
Jyoti Chaundkar
Vatsala Deokar
Nirmala Moghe
Mangal Waikar
Waghapur Village Pramila Pawar
Mangal Kunjir
Vanpuri Village
Shobha Lawande
Manda Konde
Kavita Jagtap
Rani Kedari
Vandana Mahamuni
Anand. Melas 44
An interaction with the Saathis for feedback after
the melas at the five villages, was conducted on 20th
December 2004. A feedback on their perception about
the purpose of the melas, their experiences in organizing
and conducting the melas, their observations as para
legal workers and important change agents, their
assessment of the impact of the melas and their
suggestions, was obtained.
THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THE MELAS AS
PERCEIVED BY THE SAATHIS
The paralegal team of MASUM, have a very
important role in the Family Violence Intervention
Programme, for the people, they represent MASUM and
are identified as those speaking up about women’s rights
and conforming violence. For the organization, the
Saathis are the persons most accessible to women in
distress, and therefore important resources that can
provide door-step aid and intervention. Hence their
understanding and perspective becomes significant in
carrying the concept of the funfairs ahead.
The objectives of the meals were quite clear to the
Saathis they looked at it as a beginning of MASUM’s
attempt for promoting intimacy and democracy within
the couple relationship. Besides providing an
opportunity for couples to have fun together and realize
the joy in each other’s company, it had other outcomes
that the Saathi a new identity in their village. MASUM
is many a times perceived as a group of women our to
break families, which makes it difficult for the Saathismany of whom are residents the village where they are
working. The melas whose objectives was to strengthen
the couple relationship gave the village a different view
about MASUM and made it simpler for the Saathis to
make their roles clear. This has increased their
motivation and confidence, they said.
Anand Melas 45
THEIR EXPERIENCE IN ORGANIZATION AND
CONDUCTING THE MELAS
As mentioned earlier in this report, the Saathis
had a hard time in getting the couples to come to the
'Anand Mela'. Many of them expressed to the Saathis
that they had better things to do they did not want to
waste time. Many of those who promised to come never
turned up. The Saathis visited the houses of the newly
married couples four times to persuade them to come,
and talked to the elders for seeking their consent. The
Saathis also had approached one or two couples within
whom there was discord and the woves were being
harassed- but they too had not turned up. In many
homes, the Saathis observed that womed were very keen
to come, but husbands had not consented. In some
cases the husbands had promised their wives to go to
the meal, but never turned up and kept wives waiting.
The Saathis had tired their best- They even had to
hear humiliating comments- like-" You are conducting
the melas because you are paid for it” and felt offended
Some asked them to pay Rs.500/- if they were wanted
at the mela! Some people even spread rumors that they
had got Rs. 1000/- for their participation, informed the
Saathis. Some made fun of the programme declaring
that Saathis probably had work to do. and hence were
organizing these 'meaningless' meals.
The older couples and older women who were close
to MASUM and actively participated in MASUM's
activities, felt left out when they were told that the mela
was not for them. Some said that if the meals were
organized in their village, they would have participated.
However the Saathis felt these all-lame excuses, and
the reluctance was more, because the melas were not
significant for them.
Anand Melas 46
About the activities, The Saathis felt that there
needed to be more games that gave more scope for
physical proximity. Some felt that more time should have
been given to providing information. They felt that more
information about dealing with difference of opinion,
conflict resolution, concept of equality and
strengthening the friendship between the couple should
be given. Effect of conflict on children should also be
addressed, they felt. The duration of the mela should
be longer or the time should be managed more
meticulously, they suggested.
Some Saathis suggested that next year, they should
be involved in deciding and planning the day’s activities/
games and the schedule. They clarified that they did
not have any thing against the present games, but for a
long lasting effect, they should be made to think about
the future quality of their relationship, and could be
given activities such as-drawing the future picture of
you family, or 'completing a picture’ game- which gave
very important and relevant messages.
They debated as to whether the melas be held in
the village or at a place from the villages and away from
the routine. Both had its benefits and short-comings,
they argued. Some suggested that initially it is important
to have them in the villages so that the people know its
nature, or else they are likely to cast doubts and suspect
that their women and being ‘taught’ to challenge.
THE IMPACT AS OBSERVED AND ASSESSED BY
THE SAATHI
Saathis felt that the melas really helped the
partners in knowing each better and in experiencing a
sense of ’friendliness’ i their relationship. Discussing
intimate affairs and information on sex and
Anand Melas 47
contraception helped open up more avenues for
communication and break barriers. Activities like
making of the delicate tasks- which is often the task of
the wife. The couples like this activity, and women told
the Saathis that now they felt more free to demand for
the Gqjaras. In fact, one woman told a Saathis that she
had now planted the flower creeper in her garden!
Another impact that the melas had was that the
Sarpanches of two villages- Naigaon and Vanpuri
appreciated MASUM's attempt, at Vanpuri, he handed
over the keys of a room for the use of MASUM’s activity,
immediately, said the Saathi.
They however felt that the impact of the melas
would be term, for a long lasting effect, the Saathis
suggested that gifts such as a poster with a message
could be useful. A follow-up in the form of an ‘activity’an ongoing activity, so that the ‘fun’ in being together
gets reinforced, is essential, they felt. Anand Melas could
be a good beginning for such ongoing activity, they said.
The couples are extremely eager and are waiting to see
their photographs, they said.
They also strongly pointed out that MASUM ought
to organize such melas for the Saathis with their
partners. They would benefit and would receive
cooperation from their families they felt. They hoped
out that mother-in-law. daughter-in-law melas should
be organized and also family melas- with the hope that
it would help resolve differences and Saathis would enjoy
a better status in thier respective families.
® ® ®
Anand Melas 48
11
GENERAL COMMMENTS
The Saathis had a real hard time in getting the
couple come for the mela. Inspite of several visits and
promises, they were disappointed when the participants
did not turn up at the scheduled time and venue. They
had to go back and personally bring them to the venue.
This created considerable anxiety - especially in the
Saathis, who were newly enrolled. They were happy and
relaxed when the mela began. The fatigue showed on
their faces.
Although the Saathis were asked to engage a cook
for preparing the lunch, the village women who were
staff of MASUM, took a lot of responsibility of cooking cleaning vegetables, cutting them, etc. Whether this was
because the women were unable to come out of their
defined role or find fulfillment in this role needs to be
explored.
Overall the couples expressed that they had real
good fun and were happy that they came to the mela.
Some of them said that they got a lot of information,
while some felt that the melas should contain more
informative sessions - and not just games. Some felt
that there should be more such melas. Many women
expressed that they will never forget the fun they had
in the mela. Some felt as if they were on a picnic. A wife
said that it was the first time that she had seen her
husband in such a playful mood and so happy. A
Anand Melas 49
husband expressed that the style with which he was
able to interact with his wife was very different and liked
it - which other wise is very suppressed and unnatural,
especially in public - he thanked MASUM.
The physical proximity and eye contact within the
couple was very poor as the melas began. The more
educated couples were seen to be more free. However
the shyness was reduced as the melas progressed.
Although the introduction activity saw considerable
hesitation by wives to express what they disliked about
the partner, many also used it to express their
expectations.
The couples did not like observers - friends or
relatives watching them. They wanted more privacy.
Some couples even requested the facilitators to ask them
to go away.
Although lunch began with fun activity, the couples
did not talk much to each other.
Many women were glad that they had the
opportunity of not only wearing a salwar-kamiz and
show their husbands how they appeared in this dress,
but also to have a photograph that would keep this
memory and feeling alive.
Over all, the melas provided the couples an
opportunity of having fun together in public space. It is
important for women's organisations who advocate for
protection and assertion of women’s rights and bring
the negatives of an intimate relationship into the public
arena, to vouch for bringing the joy of intimacy also
into the public arena. While such interventions would
reduce the "private" spaces of the family/home for the
couple, it would create the spaces for women within
their intimate relationship - a space where she can
assert and exercise choice.
Anand Melas 50
Mahila Sarvangeen Utkarsh Mandal
Mahila Sarvangeen Utkarsh Mandal (MASUM) was formed in
1987 after the women in some village of Purandar Taluka in Pune
district of Maharashtra were organised through local Mahila
Mandals so as to address the burning issues affecting their lives.
Most of these women were from oppressed castes and minority
religions, whereas those belonging to middle castes lacked familial
support. Many of them worked as daily wage labourers on the
fields of rich farmers where they were at risk for economic
exploitation and abuse. They came together to support each other
and collectively fight for their rights.
MASUM gradually evolved as a development group with a
feminist perspective and democratic approach.
MASUM's Objectives
To Make Women Self Reliant and Conscious of Their
Human and Constitutional Rights and to Put Pressure
on the State for Fulfilling its Obligation Towards its
People.
To Nurture Women's Physical and Emotional Health
To Provide Vocational Training and Credit Facilities to
Women for Self Employment
To Create a Sustainable and Human Mode of
Development Through People’s Active Involvement in
Rural Maharashtra
To Create a Progressive Space in Society for All its
Deprived People, and to Specifically Resist Casteism,
Sexism, Religious Chauvinism and Homophobia
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