creative conflict resolution
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- Title
- creative conflict resolution
- extracted text
-
RF_M_4_SUDHA.
Background Material
Conflict Management
CREATIVE CONFLICT RESOLUTION - A WAY OUT
"nSeLLSeS theuroom in a mess I feel angry because I need a clean
and neat room when I return from work."
r^L-;aS ^lie statement which impressed me most at a workshop
on
Creative Conflict Resolution and Non-Violent Alternatives, held
at, ^galore. What I found new about the statement was the
thoti^at+.lt relate^ 'needs' to 'feelings.' The workshop emohasised
vne importance of being aware of our feelings and our needs if we
want to be truly healthy.
it revealed that conflicts arise
basically because of frustrations — in individuals, and between
individuals, organisations, states and nations.
Conducted by Chris Klug of Non-Violent ;_i
Alternatives, South Dakota,
U.S.A., and organised by the Communityr Health Cell, Bangalore.
between 31 May and 1 June this year, the workshop set out to make
conflict a positive
' ' '
' learning experience.. It
It tried
tried to explore
non-violent alternatives to conflict resolution not only as
a
strategy for solving problems but also as an opportunity fbr
growth.
-4
-
X-/UX 1 . KJ
-1. K-Z A. (G- ,
Conflict was defined as
as what
what arises
arises when tw
V or more people who
two
interact with each other perceive incompatible
differences between
themselves or sense threats to their resources, needs or values and
behave in response to the interaction and their perception
i of it.
(William
Kriedler)
ttv
-i
-x A (conflict occurs
Kriedler
)
occurs internally when an
individual is in conflict within
t
--- 1 the
self or externally when two or
more individuals are in conflict.
The workshop initiated most participants into a whole new way of
ooking at conflicts, as we were encouraged to search
within
ourselves to find the cause of the conflict.
Th
c programme was
The
divided into four sessions and the agenda for each
session1 was kept
-------------that participants'
-- -~S° ^^
Participants' jresponses
to earlier sessions could
e .addressed.
The entire workshop
workshon consisted
rnncH c^ed of activities. The
,
T^e
logic behind this was that if two people involved in a conflict
could not interact with each
each other,
other, then the level of tension
between them would become much more difficult to resolve.
The workshop began with a few basic assumptions:
1. Conflict is an <
_
opportunity
for growth.
2 . Peace results from the creative
------- » use of conflict and the
tension it causes rather than from evading it.
3.
Conflict is a normal,, iunavoidable
. - - part of each person's life
so we must welcome and learn to"use it.
One °f the concepts emerging from the workshop is that there is
a thlng as . a 'safe space, which is essential to resolve
on-licts. This is a space where individuals are able to feel safe
anc!'confide their problems. For this, an environment
where people trust one another, see good in others and feel
reaffirmed about themselves has to be created. This encourages
cooperation as well as conflict resolution.
We learnt that conflict resolution has four guiding themes:
1.
Affirmation
s
t
es ■
The very first activity was an affirmation exercise called the
adjective name-game.' This also served as the :introductory
Pari-iciPants had to attach a positive adjectix/e to.
thrent^rlS^k1Chh
Y , 1 2 f P n *1 n CT
PT 1
Tn
bS U!ed al°n<? with their nanies throughout
T/8 i
t
"t 1 \Z 0 Thomas,
' Kind Chris' and others. It was surprisingly
tn
£K 1P
realile^^hflt1"33
th61r corresP°nd^ng adjectives; we
reci^Tnnth
e^Ch tlmS WS addressed a person,
we were
recalling a positive aspect of that person.
easy
soon
also
Cooperation
Cooperation is crucial \
111^^ resolution because without it
to conflict
people cannot work together towards ra goal and fulfil it jointly,
batween ,two people cannot be resolved unless both
operate. This point was made essentially through physical
exercises.
y
For example, ^lfffpv.le_f_quatted
_
on the ground with their back; ; to
each other and their hands u..
entwined at each other's waist. They had
to rise to their feet without
' aid of their hands. This could be
__ Jthe
achieved only when they cooperated with each other and jointly
generated the force to get up.
Without such cooperation, both
partners would collapse.
Communication
Zt -L? essential to be able Jto communicate about the
problem or the
conflict in question. In a conflict situation it
is
important to
keep channels of communication
—open.
'Back to back drawing' was the iexercise used to illustrate this
theme.
Again, two partners sat with their
--* backs to each other,
Parmer A had to draw a picture behind partner
i
B's back and t hen
---- 1 dra’w a
e^ecuveness or ™S°="e X the
the
Problem solving
At the root of every conflict is a problem which needs to be _____
looked
at in an objective manner. In problem solving we were divided into
groups of three or four; we had the freedom to select a problem —
personal or official and analyse it in the context of the
techniques we had learnt. One of these techniques
was t^he 'I
- -___ ________
statement,' an example of which is quoted at the beginning of this
report. Our group found the 'I statement' an effective tool
The statement is made up of three components:
When I..., I
feel..., and Because I need.... In the first part of the statement
the cause of the conflict is placed on oneself in order to avoid
making accusations.
In the second segment one's feelings are
expressed and in the last part one's needs are highlighted, In this
way it becomes clear that it is one's own needs which are being
frustrated and that to be truly healthy one must pay attent ion to
these needs and try to fulfil them as much as possible.
After each activity we reassembled to share our perceptions. Often
suggestions were made on how a particular activity could be
modified to serve a special purpose — for example, for use with
children. During the wqrkshop the objectives of each exercish were
not previously stated;
some participants felt that prior
information could increase the. level of participation.
In the definition of conflict, 'behave' is the key word — because
it is behaviour which escalates any conflict. So we discussed the
factors which help escalate or de-escalate a conflict. On further
reflection and observation we found that factors which escalate
conflict are usually unconscious and/or emotion-based, whereas
factors which de-escalate require more conscious effort and
objectivity.
A conflict can be resolved in four ways:
a win-win situati n in
which both parties get what they need, a lose-win situation in
which the second party wins, a win-lose situation in which the
first party wins and a lose-lose situation in which both parties
are not satisfied. In most situations one tries for a win-win
solution.
In ’the "last -session
—we briefly.
- dealt-with
--- --- conflicts
-- in family
situations.
i.arni^y meeting was simulated, with members meetihq in
a cjrcle.and talking.about needs and feelings. It is important to
start this process with children when they are young so that ]they
can oe introduced early to healthy ways of Cdealing
11
with a
tC,h2511CK~^lled-W°^ld' SUCh re9ular sharing can create a’safelpace
“5ree>
diSCUSS their
their feelings
fe<sli"9S mo
and problems;
iu he-ps build good relationships among family members.
shouldparticipants
hroti-Ci+-Pan?S felt
^elt that activities highlighting_ cooperation
should be introduced first to children. “
9
The
agenda
should
be quite
lengthy and involve many activities as children
tire
of any
activity quickly and do i.„;
not readily
go
into
discussions.
.
-------- Stories
could be used with children, especially
those which have a conflict
resolution situation within them.
I found the iworkshop
' *
personally helpful
development reflects itself in the wort \iV/..”1' 'PerSOnal
Though
temperamental £>y nature, I now feel capable of situation.
thinking
conflicts within me and reasoning through conflicts j about the
in my work
situation. This is sureto help me build better relationships
personally and professionally.
That conflict is an integral part of the universe is indisputable
We live in a world where
“J"
many; It is inevltaIYe\taVXfSlia«sroccurna
resolve . our conflicts in the test
poStie^o^unFa
“
happier
and healthier world.
Caroline Wesley
r;?la^e (The sProut)/ Volume 3, issue 3
fxom uhe Concerned for Working Children
a
quarterly newsletter
rU-2,
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INSTRUCTIONS
Consider situations in which you find your wishes differing ‘from those of another person. How do
you usually respond to such situations?
On the following pages are several^pairs of statements describing possible behavioral responses. For
each pair, please circle the "A" of "B" statement which is most characteristic of your own behavior.
In many cases, neither the "A" nor the "B" statement may be very typjcal of your behavior; but
please select the response which you would be more likely to use.
1.
A.
There are times when I let others take responsibility for solving the problems.
B.
Rather than negotiate tlie things on which we disagree, I try to stress those tilings
upon which we both agree.
1
A
I try to find a compromise solution.
I attempt to deal with all his and my concerns.
B.
3.
A.
rJ
I am usually firm in pursuing my goals.
I might try to soothe the other’s feelings and preserve our relationship.
4.
A.
tL
I try to find a compromise solution.
I sometimes sacrifice my own wishes for the wishes of the other person.
5.
A.
P
I consistently seek the other's help in working out a solution.
I try to do what is necessary to avoid useless tensions.
6.
A
B.
I try to avoid creating unpleasantness for myself.
I try to win my position.
7.
A
B.
I try to postpone the issue until I have had some time to tliink it over.
I give up some points in exchange for others.
8.
A.
B
I am usually finn in pursuing my goals.
I attempt to get all concerns and issues immediately out in the open.
9.
A.
B.
I feel that differences are not always worth worrying about.
I make some effort to get my way.
A
B.
I jam firm in pursing my goals.
I try to find a compromise solution.
10.
I
I
11.
A.
I attempt to get all concerns and issues immediately out in the open.
I might try to soothe the other's feelings and preserve our relationship.
12.
A.
B
I sometimes avoid taking positions which would create controversy.
I will let him have some of his positions if he lets me have some of mine.
13.
A.
B.
I propose a middle ground.
I press to get my points made.
r
1
KHG/RC
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14.
A,
B.
I tell him my ideas and ask him for his.
I try to show him the logic and benefits of my positions.
15.
A.
n
I might try to soothe the other’s feelings and preserve our relationship.
I try to do what is necessary to avoid tensions.
16.
A
B.
I try not to hurt the other's feelings.
I try to convince the other person of the merits of my position.
17.
A.
B
I am usually firm in pursing my goals.
I try to do what is necessary to avoid useless tensions.
18.
A
B.
If it makes the other person happy, I might let him maintain his views.
I will let him have some of his positions if he lets me have some of mine.
A
B.
I attempt to get all concerns and issues immediately out in the open.
I try to postpone the issue until I have had some time to think it over.
A
I attempt to immediately work through our differences.
I try to find a fair combination of gains and losses for both of us.
20.
B.
21.
4
B.
In approaching negotiations, I try to be considerate of the other persons’s wishes.
I always lean toward a direct discussion of the problem.
22.
A
B.
I try to find a position that is intermediate between his and mine.
I assert my wishes.
23.
A.
B
I am very often concerned with satisfying all our wishes.
There are times when I let others’ take responsibility for solving the problems.
24.
A.
b:
If the other's position seems very important to him, I would try to meet his wishes.
I try to get him to settle for a compromise.
A-
B.
I try to show him the logic and benefits of my position.
In approaching negotiations, I try to be considerate of the other person's wishes.
26.
A.
v B.
I propose a middle ground.
I am nearly always concerned with satisfying all our wishes.
27.
A.
B
I sometimes avoid taking positions that would create controversy.
If it makes the other person happy, I might let him maintain his views.
28.
A.
1
I am usually firm in pursuing my goals.
I usually seek the other's help in working out a solution.
B.
I propose a middle ground.
I feel that differences are not always worth worrying about.
B.
I tiy not to hurt the other's feelings.
I always share the problem with the other person so that we can work it out.
A.
29.
30.
2
i
II !■■■ I
llllllll I
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CONFLICT MODE INSTRUMENT
ircJe the letters below wliich you circled on each item of the questionalre.
Competing
(Forcing)
L
2,
2.
Collaborating
(Problem .
Solving)
Compromising
(Sharing)
t.
Avoiding
(Withdrawal) ‘
Accomodaing
1
\
(Smothingf
A
B
A
5
A
B
B
*—■
A
5.
6.
B
7.
8.
9.
B
A
_ B
1 A
10
r (
; A
A
■ B
A '
B
•A
B
12.
B •
B
13.
14.
15.
16.
.17..
B
A
A
A
B
B
A
18.
19.
B
A
A '
’
A
B’
A
20.
21.
22.
23.
24.
25.
26
(5,
B
B
A
B
A
A
B
. z A
B
i
A
\B
A
A
!
d8.
j
A
A
B
A '
JO.
B
B
B
A 2
4
-<
Total number of items circled in each column.
Competing
Collaborating
Compromising
Avoiding
Accommodating
i
/
3
L-
Background Material
Conflict Management!
INTERACTION, FACE-TO-FACE
The primary form of communication for humans, the one from ’ rtiich
all other forms have developed.
Both intuition and the woi k of
investigations indicate that face-to-face interaction is esse: itial
in the development of individuals and in the maintenance and
transmission of CULTURE. Interaction is generally accepted a > the
f?r such crucially important and interrelated functio is as
establishing the parent-infant bond, nurturing and guiding the
social and cognitive development of the
the child,
child, defining and
sustaining cultures and subcultures, and providing a medium the
transactions between individuals-the CONVElTsATION, play and g^mes,
religious and secular RITUAL, commercial exchanges, greetings and
the like that make up everyday life.
The term face-to-face interaction most immediately suqqests
occasions when people join together to talk or otherwise jointly
sustain a single focus of attention.
However, also pervasive in
such as changing one's course on the the walk to avoid an oncoming
pedestrian, changing one's position in a
theater seat to let
let
andtl?e;Hmove ac5°?s the aisle, or standing in a certain position
and with a certain body tonus in the presence of others in an
elevator.
i
Phenomenologically, face-to-face interaction may be said to come
into being when each of at least two participants is aware of the
presence of the other, and each has reason to believe the othei^ is
similarly aware.
In these conditions interaction may be said to
artTnT?Ch\Urr^-H •eVen
there is no perceptible communicative e
action by either participant.
This is because, given a state
of
reciprocal awareness, interaction might have occurred
and thus
even its absence becomes meaningful.
defi^ti„„investigators
lnTti‘!a‘OrS.,Ci,nnOt
rely
on
a
Phenomenological
definition
Participant's
states of awareness are not readily
Participant'
accesisble for direct observation. For research purposes we must
focus on participant's overt actions.
From this viewpoint
interaction occurs as soon as the actions of two o/ more
h
I ^re observ.ed to be mutually interdependent.
Through
such
Stu^.les of films or videotapes of interactional events
such as greetings, it has been possible to show how people engage
in an elaborate process of mutual adjustment of their actions
including their bodily orientations, movements in space, and
irection of gaze. In typical, everyday interactions, participants
tions appear to embody strong regularities that lend themselves
will to systematic research.
j
I
A full analysis of interaction would include
many different kinds
-
uLiT
lntonation, tempo, resonance, pauses, and nonfluencies,
well as non-language sounds such as laughing and sighing^
Non-speech actions include FACIAL EXPRESSION and bodily movements
SaLa! posture and GESTURE; the way in which interactions spacl
hemselves and orient their bodies to one another and how they
arrange themselves in relation to the physical layout of the
environment; and the part played by TOUCH and SMELL and the use of
cosmetics, CLOTHING, and artifacts such as pencils, pipes, and
canes.
as
Traditions of Research
One of the earliest attempts to analyse the process of interaction
He
a
a
^d periods of silence as
stretrhJ; nf • st,retches of
2
lnact.lonThe patterning of these periods could be
ChamlA^ to quantitative analysis. To facilitate data gathering,
Chapple developed the interaction chronograph, a device on which
investigators could record the length of speech and silence o2
Chapple used such
actions and inactions by pressing keys.
21On tO ^vestigate the process terms as a complex system of
interaction.
His emphasis on objective analysis of interaction
fZr2 r WfS hl?hJy influential in the great expansion of work on
face-to-face interaction that took
took place
after World
World War
place shortly
shortly after
II, especially in the United States
‘
.
Beginning
wh
i hing in
ln the
the early
early 1950s considerable interest developed in
wnat has come to be known as
as NON-VERBAL COMMUNICATION.
This term
COMMUNICATION,
the complex and
one
they do and how they do it, in addition to what they say and how
they, say it.
Much research on nonverbal communication has been
carried
out
by
experimental
social jpsychologists intrigued with the
Dossihiiii-w i-ho+l
4. •-------possibility that certain nonverbal actions might be used as
indicators of other phenomena, such as type of interaction,
attitudes or feelings of the participants, their hidden motives and
the like; or of other personal characteristics, such as individual
differences
. M2St °f thls work has been concerned with measurement
nf 51, = +?nteraJt?on
nonve^al actions at a time. Gaze direction in
invSEgSon
P
’
popular
object
of
I
More relevant to the issue of the process of face-to-face
interaction has been another line of research that has examined how
participants are able to accomplish a given interaction.
Normal
is 9°verned in part by a system of rules Jpown
by all participants that renders action intelligible, give rise to
a set of mutual expectations regarding appropriate conduct, permits
routinely coordinated action by the participants, and-of particular
interest to investigators - introduces strong regularities in
participant's actions,
The research focus here is on the
organisation (or <structure)
'
of interaction, including as far as
possible all the actions relevant to that
*
organisation.
Emphasis
is also placed on analysing sequences; of actions involving all
participants in the interaction, thus centering on interactive
regularities rather than regularities in messages produced by
individual participants.
Certain investigators, including GREGORY BATESON, Ray Birdwhistel1,
ERVING
GOFFMAN,
Norman-McQuown,
and
Albert Scheflen,
were
particularly instrumental in <the
*
development of this approach
during its formative period in the early 1950s.
Bateson and
Birdwhistell were trained as a <anthropologists .
Goffman as a
r“
’
sociologist, McQuown as a linguist andI Scheflen
as a psychiatrist.
Given this diversity, the intellectual influences bn these founders
can be briefly summarized.
However, two authors are prominently
cited by almost all of them. Sociologist GEORG SIMMEL emphasized
interaction as a basic constituent of society and thus ani activity
of central importance to sociology. Linguist EDWARD has :similarly
stressed the centrality of interaction to society, ;as well as the
importance of nonlinguistic segments of interaction, Sapir's work
was influential in giving current structural work on interaction
its strong linguistic cast.
Bateson, Birdwhistell, and McQuown were among the participants in
a year-long study group in 1956 that focused on the systematic and
comprehensive investigation of interaction. "Natural History of an
In^rview",
a
two-volume
manuscript
resulting
from
that
collaboration, was essentially completed in 1955 but never
published. Nevertheless, this work and the contributors to it have
exerted considerable influence on the shape of research on
ace to face interaction. In addition, Birdwhistell brought the
study of body motion to the attention of investigators; his terms
for the area-KINESICS-is widely used.
Several
lines
of
structural
research
have
]
have
been
pursued,
distinguishable mainly by differences in methodology' rather than in
underlying conceptional frameworks.
Greatly influenced by the
contributors to "Natural History of an Interview", Scheflen
developed context analysis.
This was an attempt to adapt for
interaction research the methods <'
developed by structural linguists
in the United States.
Scheflenn's substantive work began with
detailed analysis of rather unorthodox
<
--- r approaches
to psychotheraphy
but expanded to include general treatments
treatments of interactions and
territoriality.
Goffman was perhaps the most prominent writers on interaction. An
innovative and influential sociologist, Coffman firmly established
the study of small scale interactional processes ' as a legitimate
area of research. rDrawing on his own participant observation and
on examples derived from many sources including[ news reports and
books of etiquette. Godman was unexcelled at articulating the
subtlety complexity,
and diversity of
interaction and at
illuminating the order underlying it.
Conversation analysis, though deriving from the school of sociology
known as ethnomethodology, is very similar to the previously
mentioned approached in its conceptual framework.
As implied by
its name primary emphasis is on the study of conversations. Under
the early leadership of U.S. sociologists Harvey Sacks and Emanuel
Schegloff, conversation analysis have focussed on the linguistic
elements of conventions, although there are notable exceptions.
Among the many contributors of conversation analysts are
discussions of the design features of interaction systems and
demonstrations of the complex ways in which syntax is used in the
service of interaction, as well as of the ways in which interaction
process can affect the production of linguistic utterances.
Components of Interaction
There is more to interaction than structure, however. A complete
description of an interaction would have to range beyond signals,
rules, and other structural elements.
At least two other major
components would also have to be included: strategy and situation.
Each of the three components-structure, strategy, and situation-is
closely linked to the other two.
Situation or context involves an apparently large set of cultural
categories that applies to the participants, their relationship,
the social setting of the interaction, and other factors.
A
participant's definition of the situation-that is, the assignment
of values to relevant categories-for a given interaction permits
choice of appropriate conventions. This matching of convention to
situation is possible because each convention carries a set of
situational requirements specifying the categories and their
respective values that must apply in order for the convention to be
appropriately used.
Work on forms of address provides an interesting example of
research on situation.
In one study U.S. linguist Susan ErvinTripp, observing her own rules of address, sought to identify the
categories and vales underlying the use of such forms as titleplus-name, Mr.-plus-last-name, and first name,
Using nichotomous
category system, she found, for example, that she used first name
in several situations,one of which was when the setting was not
status marked and the partner was a friend or colleague who was
neither of higher rank nor fifteen years older.
Because of the situational requirements of convention, the use of
given convention by participants provides information on the
categories and values respectively assigned by them.
When one
participant first
~
: uses a convention in an interactional issue
whether or not the partner chooses to ratify or join in the
enactment of the convention, thereby tacitly agreeing to the
participant's definition.
Strategy,
the third- major component of a
description of
interaction, derives
C
from the choices participants make regarding
both structure and situation.
In
either
case strategy involves
u
_
..
choice
among
legitimate
alternatives
and
failure
to
act
appropriately (relation of applicable rules). In its
__ relatio to
structure, strategy is roughly analogous to the notion of strategy
in games.. If structure is similar to the rules of a game, then
strategy is the way the participants operate within or break the
rules. A move in a chess game would be a single element of
strategy: the exercise of an option when more than one move is
available within the rules. One cannot operate within a struct ure
without simultaneously engaging in a strategy. At the same time, it
is structure that makes the choice of actions meaningful.
Strategy becomes involved in a situation through a participant's
choices in assigning values to social categories, selecting and
ratifying
conventions congruent with those assigned values (a
violation). Situation and its attendant strategy includes but
extends beyond the study of individual differences in interaction.
that ,has emerged in virtually all structural research is
that interaction is constructed through the common participation of
all those involved. Significantly extending the earlier notions of
message or information exchange andI of sequential influence of
the notion of common participation has been fundamental to
the structural
analysis
of interaction
[___
2
_
...
---------- 1 process
from
its beginning.
From this perspective, interactional events such as the exchange of
speaking turns are achieved only through the joint,, coordinated
action
of
relevant
.j
participants.
One
effect
of
common
participation
is
that the
frequency,
duration,
and other
characteristics of actions such as gazes or smiles, conce regarded
by many investigators as belonging exclusively to one participant,
can be deeply affected in various ways by the actions of the
partner.
TjL "°tion4. .of
coinmon
participation
emphasizes
the
participation
emphasizes
the
<deep
’
of
this
bJSie
nh
SS
thln
9
s
/
n
interaction
The
full
implications
of
z,~- The full implications
or thi<5
unis
oasic
continue
'
On
the one
b.n’phenomenon
a
jxpl°«^investi
gators.
SrehteraOrt"etf™d,aPPaars to'c^pHo^tt
some
tr’?i“°naL ap?r?’ch?s to intiraction'^eJeaTch’.'
On
the
other
hand, common participation provides a powerful
resource for
investigators.
By capitalizing on
the complex network of
relationships among the i^?Yf;dif'f1e-1ie_Ilt actions by all participants'
tnyesbigators not only can facilitate research on the
process of
interaction itself, but also can make more effective
use of
Prooesses in examining other phenomena-i <'
of
interest.
such as individual differences and cognitive processes.
Bibliography. Ray L. Birdwhistell, Kinesics and Context:
Body Motion Communication, Philadelphia,r 1970; Eliot D. Essays on
Chapple,
Culture and Biological Man, New York 1970 • C
Starkey Duncan/ Jr.’
Donald W.Fiske, Rita Denny, Barbara G. Kanki, and Hartmut R
Hartmut
Mokros, Interaction Structure and Strategy, New York, 1985Ervinq
Art£urnN
Ana?sis' Cambridge, Mass, 1974; Robert G nSer9
The Sta^ nfnbh a"d/°sePh D’ Matarazzo, Nonverbal Communication:'
The State of the Art, New York, 1978; Adam Kendon, Studies in I the
Alblrt^E °SchSf?lal *nteraction' Lisse, The Netherlands, 1977;
S heflen' Communicational Structure: Analysis of a
ed
StudTe^PyinrthneSOCtlOn' ®loomin<3ton' Ind- 1973; Jim Schenkein,
York, 1978
Organisation of Conversational Interaction, Ne^
From the 'Encyclopedia of Communications'
Background Material
Conflict Management
BARGAINING
whsr®bX two or more interdependent parties attempt to
settle their differences through an exchange of proposals and
counter proposals.
A number of theorists treat negotiation and
bargaining as synonyms, while others
others define
define bargaining
bargaining as the
exchange process taking place withini tl
the act of- negotiation. Here
negotiation and bargaining are treated
--- _1 as synonyms.
Characteristics of Bargaining
Five characteristics distinguish bargaining as a
a form of problem
Sol^rig’
First, bargaining is generally treated
_ -1 as a subset of
conflict in that the parties hold or ]perceive that they hold
incompatible goals or interests.
Second,
in bargaining are interdependent in that , < the two parties engaged
one party's gaini or loss
depends on the iother
'
party's choices.
Within
Within ’ a framework of
competition f then,, the two parties must <cooperate
---to reach their
individual goals.
Each party has the power to constrain
--- 1 or prevent
the other from attaining a goal.
throuahrwhSbrthtehiStiC' SOcial interaction, refers to the means
both
hHth bargaining is carried out.
Interaction cab be
both tacit and explicit.
Explicit communication consists of
the
conSio^Vn^ °penlil between the bargainers, such as demands
concessions, and information; tacit communication refers to hints
nonverbal gestures, and other indirect messages that
interpretations of the interaction.
Tacit bargaining tvnicallv*
accompanies explicit messages, but in conditions of9 lowP trist
bargainers
might
substitute
tacit
maneuvers
for
explicit
communication. Fourth, bargaining occur, through an exchanqe
offers and counteroffers that represents each party's effort of
to
find
a
mutually
satisfactory
solution.
PXs
proposes
concessions, and policy arguments form the substance of
the
interaGtion. Finally, bargaining is a strategic activity in that
theirc”«™-=s based o„ estimates of
At
-r- --negotiations
involved in environmental
vying for scarce resources. or regulatory disputes, and department
International negotiation provide the
basis for treaty formation. hostage release, and trade contracts.
♦
1
The preceding types of bargaining situations differ in term of
their overall purpose; their tasks; the number, importance, and
sequencing of issues; the role of constituents; the presenci of
deadlines and legal constraints; and the cultural norms
hat
governs the behavior of negotiators. Thus, communicative patt rns
in bargaining are different in situations with different
constraints. _ For example, a one-shot, one-issue negotiation
without constituent representation differs in the type, amount and
sequencing of messages from a serial negotiation with constituent
pressures exerted on multiple issues.
The study of Bargaining
Historically, game theory and social exchange models have dominated
Game theory is derived from classical
research on bargaining.
economics and assumes that bargainers are rational, want to
maximize their gains and minimize their losses, have perfect
knowledge of the possible outcomes and the values attached to each
apd4.ure able to calculate their relative advantage from the moves
of their opponent.
Social
exchange
of the
___ .---------- theory-,
- ■ a derivative
-- - --- ’ pure game theory model,
: - --*--- ; on
centers
on the
the rewards
rewards and costs incurred from the bargairlinq
exc ange. Early studies on communication and bargaining employed
game and social exchange models to test the impact of amount and
medium
_____ 1 of communication on bargaining outcomes.
At first
researchers
concluded
that
increased
communication
led
to
cooperative outcomes; b3Ut3 •i7J__hig-hly competitive bargaining, more
communication increased distortion
and manipulation
*
which,
in
urn, heightened error and misunderstanding.
Research
also
SpnStrated ^at face"to-face interaction facilitated cooperative
outcomes more frequently than did audio, video, or written modes
of *
communication (see INTERACTION,, FACE-TO-FACE).
FACE-TO-FACE), Thus the frequency
of
cooperative lsettlements
only
communication
enhanced
if
flce-io-fIcZ!
re predisposed
Predlsposed to be cooperative and were bargaining
were
Research on information exchange and message strategies has also
adopted game theory models of bargaining.
Bargainers use
strategies and tactics as ways of increasing their own strength
reducing their (opponent's
------strength, or gaining control over the
negotiation context.
7A strategy represents the overall plan - for
---example,
to be cooperative
4v.---------------------of working
conditions
and tn
to
be tough
on resource issues. problems
Tactics consist
of the
communicSi^e
aSeZmerts
BaSinlrs StraPegY' such as threats, commitments and
concessions and^^di^X^^^
making • -ciprocating
commitments
that signal freezing
into a set position. Threats
and promises
promises,, while generally
successful in inducing compliance, tend to intensify a conflict and
make it mire difficult to teach a satisfactory settlement.
I
I
I
I .
Message strategies are <also
“
examined through the' set of process
models of communication and bargaining, Process models center on
the evolution of bargaining over time.
Researches focus on
behavior patterns and regularities that indicate how bargaiining
goals, issues, and values change through the interaction xprocess.
__ ____
Unlike game theory,, Jthis
' ' perspective
*
assumes that bargainers have
minimal knowledge e of. alternative
<
-----L.j outcomes
and~ rely on types and
sequences of tactics to anticipate their opponents'r moves.
Process theories of bargaining frame the research on conflict
cycles, information management, issue development and phase
analysis.
Here discourse and conversational analysis models are
used to study bargaining arguments and interaction sequences.
Studies of conflict cycles reveal that bargainers typically
j b<
balance
offensive and defensive maneuvers to buffer the <escalation of
conflict.
One
OjL ______
buffer_____
used___
toopxx-jreduce conflict spirals is
information exchange. Questions obligate an opponent to respond,
pattern
.that produces an informationinformation— expansion sequence of
questions and short, abrupt answers. Bargaining interaction is also
controlled by shifting the claims of an argument <occurs as
negotiators begin to package agenda items, drop or simplify
subissues,
accent
or
sharpen
issues
and
reveal
their
interpretations of a problem..
The study of conflict cycles has led researchers to examine phases
??Q^gainin9 development. Ann Douglas in Industrial Peacemaking
(1962) uncovered three major stages of bargaining:establishing the
bargaining range, jockeying for position, and precipitating the
decision-reaching crisis. Not all bargaining sessions pass through
the same stages, however. Procedural restrictions and deadlines may
nneCllde a SFet Pattern of phasic development. A spinoff of the work,
researchers
h" bar?aining events.
Some organisational
researchers treat bargaining as an annual rite of conflict
characterized by ritualistic behavior and stories of past
past
Thlse^tud^
are enacted in tacit and explicit communication.
These studies reveal that procedural norms, nonverbal behaviors of
participants and the historical precedent of tactics and strategies
become ritualized over time and affect the bargaining settlement.
I
i
I
I
Fact Finding, Mediation and Arbitration
When the outcome of bargaining is an impasse, the conflicting
parties typically turn to third-party intervention, such as fact
finders, mediators or arbitrators. Fact finders are outsiders who
are called in to examine the information presented by both parties
and to uncover additional data that might help move the sides
toward a settlement. Mediators are primarily facilitators who
control the communication process between the two sides. Mediators
control topics of interaction, provide advice to both parties,
offer proposals, <and help the two parties to save face.
Thus
mediators functioni as communication counselors by clarifying and
interpreting complex issues,, [providing background information,
setting up the agenda, and focusing the interaction., Z__LL1_
Arbitrators,
unlike fact finders and mediators, act as judges and have the power
to make decisions. The two disputing parties typically bring final
offers or argument briefs to the arbitrator, who rules in favor of
one side or the other.
Communication is the essence of mediation activities, and it Serves
a dominant
aommant information-processing role in fact finding and
1’-- 11-In bargaining.
arbitration.
bargaining, communication is also crucial. for
information processing, PERSUASION, identification of patterhs and
regularities, and coordination of outcomes.
Bibliography. Samuel B. Bacharach and Edward J. Lawler, Bargaining:
Power, Tactics, and Outcomes, San Francisco, 1981; Max H. Bazerman
and Roy J. Lewicki, eds., Negotiating in Organisations, B verly
Hills, Calif., 1983; Ann Douglas, Industrial Peacemaking, New York,
1962; Jay Folberg and Alison Taylor, Mediation, San Fran isco,
1984;
Philip H.
Gulliver,
Disputes
and
Negotiation^:
A «
Cross-Cultural Perspective, New York, 1979; Ian E. Morle^ and
Geoffrey M. Stephenson, The Social Psychology of Bargaining,
London, 1977; Jeffrey Z. Rubin and Bert R. Brown,
E
The Social
Psychology of Bargaining and Negotiation, New York,, 1975; Richard
..^t
- Robert
- Mckersie,
E. tWalton
and
B.
A Behavioral Theory of Labor
Negotiations, New York, 1965.
From the 'Encyclopedia of Communications'
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Our Purpose
Services Offered
Nonviolent Alternatives is a resource
and activity center for exploration and experimentation with alternatives to violence. We
seek alternatives to violence in all relation
ships: with the entire earth community, with
self, with God, between persons, genders, races,
classes, and nations.
We consider nonviolence an active ex
pression of truth and love, revealed in the lives
of countless, courageous, human beings. We
believe nonviolence and harmony are d^ie
heart of the world's religious and spiritual
traditions.
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(AVP) in the South Dakota Corrections system. We offer trainings for those who wish to
develop skills as facilitators of creative conflict resolution. We have a team of certified
conflict resolution trainers who can shape a workshop to meet the needs of any group.
' 'The means may be likened to a seed, the end
to a tree; and there isjust the same inviolable connec
tion between the means and end as there is between the
seed and tree." MK Gandhi
With Gandhi, we see nonviolence as
the means; the experience of truth and love as
the end. As a result, we pay special and careful
attention to means, to processes, to systems, to
the ways we choose to get what we need and
want. Our experience is: the resources which
enable a person to choose the less violent
means over the more violent come from v^in.
Exploring, tapping, and nurturing inner re
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We are especially committed to under
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from members and friends. Our quarterly
newsletter is sent free of charge to all those
who make a gift to the organization. Our
local advisory council meets bi-monthly for
food, mutual support, laughter, programs,
and business. All are welcome. Our pro
grams are facilitated by trained and certified
members, and much of our organizational
maintenance is done by volunteers.
Nonviolent Alternatives is coordi
nated by Carl Kline and Chris Klug. A UCC minister,
Carl has for many years facilitated inter-cultural edu
cation programs with the Gandhi Peace Foundation in
India and on the Rosebud Reservation in South Da
kota. Carl is a nonviolence trainer; a consultant to
churches and universities in conflict resolution and
Undoing Racism; a "Sacred Stories of Nonviolence'
storyteller; a certified trainer for the Children's Crea
tive Response to Conflict program; and a trained and
certified mediator.
Chris Klug is a certified trainer for the Chil
dren's Creative Response to Conflict program, the
Alternatives to Violence Project, and peer mediation.
He facililitates workshop experiences focused on
nonviolence, spirituality, and the earth community.
He is a USA worker for Navadarshanam (New Vi
sion), a community in India engaged in exploring
Gandhian alternatives, and regularly leads groups
there to explore Gandhian nonviolence. In 1993, he
also began conducting conflict resolution trainings in
India.
J !
"A nonviolent revolution is not a
program of seizure ofpower.
It is a program of
transformation of relationships,
ending in a peaceful transfer of power."
MK Gandhi
Seeking
alternatives
to
Violence
Nonviolent Alternatives
825 4th St
Brookings, SD 57006
(605) 692-8465
yA
Nonviolent Alternatives
presents
The
Northern Plains
School Mediation and
Violence Prevention Project
Xs^Siva15Nonviolent Alternatives
825 4th St.
Brookings, SD 57006
(605) 692-8465
"If we are to reach real peace in this world.. .we
shall have to begin with children..M.K. Gandhi
The goal of the Northern Plains School Mediation and
Violence Prevention Project is to train school communities in
creative conflict resolution, violence prevention, bias aware
ness, and mediation.
We believe that conflict can be an opportunity for grow.. t
and creativity. We believe that when persons feel safe and
trusted, they can use their skills in a cooperative way to re
solve conflicts creatively.
The trainings and curricula we offer are designed to
enable administrators, educators, students, and parents to cre
ate a safe environment where conflict skills and alternatives to
violent behaviour can be learned and integrated into daily liv
ing.
What We Do
We assist school communities in designing, implement
ing, and evaluating a comprehensive program of trainings and
curricula that best meet the needs of their community. Our
services include specialized training for administrators and
educators, trainings and curricula for students, trainings r '
parents, in-services, and facilitation.
Who We Are
We are a team of educators and parents who are trained
and certified to facilitate trainings in creative conflict resolu
tion, mediation, bias awareness, and violence prevention.
While some of us have been working in this field for over 10
years, others have recently been trained and certified.
-2-
About Our Work
Every school community is in its own unique situation.
We work with each community to develop a plan that best
meets their needs, and remain active with them as the plan
unfolds over a period of years. We encourage:
•taking the time and care to design a plan that accu
rately reflects the needs and resources (time, energy, money)
of the local community.
•commitment to a plan for at least 3 years to insure the
.ong term viability of the programs.
•having special components for parents and involving
them in training students.
We underscore the importance of having the full sup
port of administration, and of adults modeling the skills, atti
tudes, and behaviors they teach. Thus a large portion of the
resources are committed to the training of staff.
Our Fees
Our fees reflect our commitment to provide school
communities with quality trainings and materials. We will
work with you to develop a budget that is within your means
and reflects the quality of our work. Ask others about us!
Our Commitment
Widening the circle of safety within our school com
munities so that each member feels safe, repected, and trusted;
replacing violent patterns of behavior with creative ones; and
integrating the attitudes and skills necessary to resolve con
flict creatively take an ongoing and courageous commitment.
We are convinced that there are no quick fixes to the violence
that has stolen its way into almost every aspect of our lives.
We are committed to initiating and nurturing processes that
with patient perseverance will bring about real change. In so
doing, we can participate together in creating a less violent
future for our children and grandchildren.
-3-
Program Descriptions
Beginning here, you will find descriptions of the
trainings and curricula which most often form a part of a
school's comprehensive plan. In addition, we have a violence
prevention curriculum for elementary schools, a bias aware
ness curriculum for middle schools, and conflict resolution
curricula for each level, K-12.
Children's Creative Response To
Conflict (CCRC)
"The basic philosophy of the CCRC program is to create an
atmosphere among children and adults which is warm, affirming,
and supportive. Only in such an atmosphere is it possiblefor chil
dren to learn how to deal with conflict in a humane and construc
tive manner" (The Friendly Classroom for a Small Planet,
p. 1)
The Children's Creative Response to Conflict (CCRC)
program views conflict as an opportunity for growth, pro
viding children and adults with positive alternatives to vio
lent patterns of behavior. It offers specially designed activi
ties that enable children to build a sense of community, know
their worth as individuals, and develop the skills of creative
conflict resolution. Through these activities children an
adults experience new ways to examine conflicts and develop
solutions.
This workshop is designed to enable participants to
use CCRC concepts and activities in their work with chil
dren. It examines the theory and content of CCRC's four
themes (affirmation, cooperation, communication and prob
lem solving) through participation in specially designed ac
tivities. The workshop also draws on participants' direct
experience with children.
CCRC activities allow participants to have fun while
developing skills in one or more of the program's central
themes:
Cooperation: Cooperation activities provide a structured
setting that allows individuals to work together toward a com
mon goal; an experience often lacking in our competitive soci
ety.
Communication: Honest communication about one's
needs and feelings is often necessary in order to discover the
?art of conflict. Further, conflicts often arise or escalate when
there is a lack of communication. Activities that help improve
listening, observing, speaking and perceiving skills are impor
tant in preparing for successful conflict management.
Affirmation: If people do not feel positive about them
selves, it is difficult to feel positive about others. Affirmation
activities demonstrate that everyone's ideas and feelings are
valued, thus opening the way to creative conflict resolution.
Problem Solving: One of our main goals is to show that
there are many alternative solutions to conflict, and to give
people the means to develop them. Our activities attempt to
reproduce situations in which participants might find them
selves, and, thus, practice creative conflict resolution.
CCRC is a fifteen hour experiential workshop. Sessions
begin by inviting everyone to sit in a circle to emphasize equal
ly and to encourage participation. The workshop usually
begins with cooperation activities to establish a safe environ
ment. Then participants work to develop communication and
affirmation skills. This builds a positive atmosphere for con
flict resolution. While the approach is developmental, the
themes often overlap with participants working with several
at once.
Creative Conflict Resolution
(High School)
This training for faculty and staff of high schools exam
ines the dynamics of conflict with a view toward resolving
conflicts creatively. It views conflict as an opportunity for
growth providing adults with alternatives to violent patterns
of behavior in conflict situations. Further, it teaches adults
how to help young people move through conflict in creative
and less violent ways. It stresses the four themes of creati
conflict resolution (affirmation, cooperation, communication
and problem solving), providing specially designed activities
that enable adults to learn and appreciate the skills of creative
conflict resolution and communicate them to young people.
This training is an eight hour experiential program. Ses
sions begin by inviting everyone to sit in a circle to emphasize
equality and to encourage participation. Affirmation and co
operation activities help to establish a safe environment, build
ing a positive atmosphere for conflict resolution. Participants
then work to develop communication and problem solving
skills, applying these to conflict situations which are common
in their work with young people.
This Creative Conflict Resolution Training will enable
high school faculty and staff to understand both the content
and process used in the Violence Prevention Curriculum an^
the Peer Mediation Program, a necessary ingredient for L
full implementation of those programs at the high school level.
nThe goal ever recedes from us... Satisfaction lies
in the effort, not in the attainment. Full effort is full
victory.” M.K.Gandhi
-fi
ll
«
I
Violence Prevention Curriculum
(High School)
u
I
The Violence Prevention Curriculum for high schools is
the ten lesson Violence Prevention Curriculum for Adolescents
by Deborah Prothrow-Stith, MD.
On page 3 of the curriculum manual. Dr. Prothrow-Stith
describes the curriculum with these words:
"It deals almost exclusively with violence between peers. Such in
cidents are referred to throughout the course as "fighting," meaning physi
cal violence or an interaction likely to lead to physical violence. The deci
sion to limit the focus in this way was made primarily because this is the
type of violence that most frequently affects young people. In addition,
violence is such a pervasive phenomenon touching so many aspects of
life, that it could easily become the subject of a year long course of study.
Rather than touch lightly on many aspects of violence, this curriculum
explores just one type of violence in depth. Sessions 1,2, and 3 are grouped
together as introductory, statistical, and stage-setting sessions. Sessions 4,
5, and 6 focus on discussions of anger and how to respond to it. The last
group of sessions specifically relate to fighting and how to prevent it."
I
I
The goals of the curriculum are:
•Increase students' awareness of the causes and effects
of violence.
•Increase students' awareness of their own risk of be
coming victims of homicide.
•Enable students to identify the factors that lead to vio
lence.
•Help students realize that violent behavior is a choice,
with negative short and long-term consequences.
•Illustrate to students that violence is preventable.
•Assist students in learning that anger is a normal part
of life, and that anger can be expressed and channeled in
healthy, constructive ways.
•Help students understand that controlling anger and
violence is part of maturing.
-7-
• Enable students to identify positive ways to express
anger.
•Encourage students to think about alternatives to vio
lence in conflict situations.
Violence Prevention Curriculum
(Middle Schools)
The Violence Prevention Curriculum for Middle Schools
is an eighteen lesson curriculum adapted for middle schoo’
use from the Violence Prevention Curriculum for Adolescents
by Deborah Prothrow-Stith, MD.
It consists of specially designed activities shaped around
the themes of affirmation, cooperation, communication and
problem solving. These themes are used because young people
need more than merely problem solving skills to develop cre
ative responses to conflict. They need to understand their feel
ings and the feelings of others. They need to become aware of
the advantages of working together, rather than against one
another, to solve problems. Cooperation and community
building exercises are, therefore, a significant part of the cur
riculum. The methods used in this curriculum aim to pro
mote a healthy self-concept, enabling children to share openly,
and cooperate more effectively.
Lessons one through four of the curriculum are focused
on trust building, creating a classroom environment that feel:
safe enough for honest sharing, and that establishes a respect
for differences. Lessons five through seven teach facts about
homicide, while lessons eight through ten explore creative
ways of expressing anger. Lessons eleven through thirteen
stress personal power and individual responsibility. The final
five lessons teach facts about the origins and escalation of
fights, and give students an opportunity to role play alterna
tives to fighting and to discuss the possibility of using alter
natives in actual situations.
-8-
Bias Awareness Workshops
Sometimes conflicts are rooted in stereotypes. One per
son may have a mistaken understanding of another, or one
group may have an opinion of another group, based on
inherited stereotypes. It becomes necessary for parties to the
conflict to understand their own biases, and those of others,
for the conflict to be resolved creatively.
In addition to correcting misinformation and replacing
stereotypes with honest differences, bias awareness work
shops strive to help people move toward a celebration of
diversity. Cultural and racial differences become a treasure
to be sought and affirmed rather than a problem to be feared
and avoided.
Bias Awareness Workshops enable participants to:
1. Better understand the pervasiveness of racism as an "insti
tutional" reality in American life, and the impact it has on
young people.
2. Better understand the pluralism of American life, and the
demands pluralism places on all of our institutions, especially
our educational institutions.
3. Better lead students in classroom and other activities which
celebrate differences and educate multi-culturally.
The Bias Awareness Workshop is one component of a
total creative conflict resolution program. No matter how
good one's skills are in affirmation, cooperation, communi
cation, and problem solving, conflicts cannot be resolved cre
atively if attention is not given to underlying racial problems
or even perceptions of racism.
The program draws from the resources of the Anti-Bias
Curriculum of the National Association for the Education of
Young Children; the People's Institute; and Rethinking
Schools.
This is a 12 to 15 hour workshop offered over a two day
period.
-9-
Peer Mediation
Peer mediation is a problem solving process, that can
be learned by elementary, middle, and high school age stu
dents. Selected students are trained in the mediation process
and are available to help their peers resolve conflicts through
mediation.
Advantages of Peer Mediation for Students
1. Students trained as mediators show a remarkable increase
in self-esteem. They gain communication and leadership skilL,
and develop confidence, poise, and a sense of empowerment.
Their academic achievement often improves.
2. Mediation affords a positive arena for leadership training
for students who may be expressing their leadership ability in
negative ways.
3. Mediation offers a forum in which students can share their
needs and feelings without fear of being "put down." They
take part in designing their own agreements after considering
many possible solutions to their conflict. They have a "say" in
decisions about their own lives. They assume greater respon
sibility for solving their own problems and recognize that adult
intervention is not always necessary.
4. In the long run, a positive change in school environment is
observed as more and more mediators are trained.
Advantages of Peer Mediation for School Staff
1. Staff spend less time getting involved in and settling
squabbles among students.
2. The pressure for staff to be constant disciplinarians de
creases, and tension among staff is reduced.
3. Staff has a better relationship with students, improving
school climate.
-10-
In-Service Topics
We offer the following in-services for administrators,
educators, parents, and students. In addition, we will be happy
to design an in-service that will address the needs of your
group.
Anger Management
Competition and Cooperation
Affirmation in the Classroom (Home, Workplace, etc.)
Problem Solving Skills (and Practice)
Mediation Skills (and Practice)
Facilitation Skills (and Practice)
How to Facilitate Role Plays
Creating Safety in Conflict Situations
Multicultural Issues in Conflict Resolution
Conflict Resolution for Families (Parent Nights)
Facilitating Cooperative Games
The Northern Plains School Mediation and
Violence Prevention Project is an independent project of
Nonviolent Alternatives, a resource and activity center for ex
ploration and experimentation with alternatives to violence
begun in 1990 in Brookings, SD.
For further information contact:
Chris Klug, Coordinator
Northern Plains School Mediation and
Violence Prevention Project
825 4th St.
Brookings, SD 57006
-11-
Northern Plains School Mediation and
Violence Prevention Project
c/o Nonviolent Alternatives
825 4th St.
Brookings, SD 57006
Printed on Recycled Paper
n Z|.q
I
"ONE STEP
//
The Newsletter of Nonviolent Alternatives, Summer, 1994
News Notes
Undoing Racism Workshop: Carl joined Charlie
Garriott in leading a 16 hour workshop on Undo
ing Racism at Sinte Gleska University April 2425. The workshop had its origins last winter
when a county commissioner in a reservation
town made a racist comment during the commis
sion meeting. The South Dakota Peace and Jus
tice Center and Sinte Gleska University, with
Charlie's leadership, offered the workshop to
public officials in the community and supported
it financially. Although the numbers were small,
he participants were ready for understanding
and help in undoing some of the racism in their
community.
India Program: Chris will be leading a group to
India for the four week Wholistic Alternative
Program beginning June 21. The program is
hosted by our long time friends TS and Jyoti
Ananthu at Navadarshanam (New Vison) near
Bangalore in south India. Chris will likely stay
on after the conclusion of the program to facili
tate some conflict resolution workshops, return
ing to Brookings in early August.
Prairie Peace Park: We are all invited to the
opening of the Peace Park, June 11,1994. We will
hear the sounds of a thousand drummers, and a
thousand voice interfaith choir. Raffe will be
singing, Ed Asner performing, and hundreds of
others will be painting a large mural, or dedicat
ing the 80' by 10' clay-fired mural created last
May by artists from 34 nations. "Amber Waves
of Grain," the 33,000 piece sculpture by Barbara
Donachy, will also be dedicated. Visitors will
enjoy walking on the maps, in the mazes, and on
the illustrated paths in the prairie. For more
information, write: Prairie Peace Park, PO Box
95062, Lincoln, NE 68509.
Rosebud Program: The Rosebud program will
begin June 4th with an orientation in Brookings.
(See NEWS NOTES, page 2)
Fasting
by Penny Hauffe
As I sit down to write some reflections on
my first fasting experience my stomach is full.
My fasting day was yesterday, Monday. I won
der if there is a difference in how I feel at the end
of the 2 days. I am less tired tonight; I have some
extra energy. At the end of my fasting day my
energy level is low. This has caused me to think
even more than usual about those who live with
out the abundance that my life offers.
I think that increased concentration or
fortitude is needed for those of us who choose to
fast and while we are also needed to prepare
meals for our families. I found that I could
prepare a meal, not "taste test" it, and my family
still found it fit for consumption. Something I
never thought possible.
There were a couple of recurring pro
cesses for me during these particular fasting days.
One was that food became less important to me.
As the day went on, the psychological "need" to
eat was replaced with whether I was actually
physically hungry or not. My feeling about food
changed from feeding my emotions to feeding
my body: an experience that was difficult but
freeing.
Another process was that each day I fasted
much more of my time was spent thinking of and
talking about the very reason for the fast: in
support of the people that are fasting in Wash
ington, DC for 40 days on juice and water to
promote the closing of the School of the Ameri
cas. [See US Army School of the Americas under
News Notes, page 2] On other days I may get busy
with my life and forget about those who are
fasting in Washington. The School of the Ameri
cas are where my tax dollars are going—but not
on a day of fasting.
(Penny is a member ofNonviolent Alternatives and a
facilitator for the CCRC programs. She and her
husband Konard own their own business in Brookings
where they live with their children Jennie, Ian and
Alex.)
A B-2 bomber, built of solid gold, would
cost $.8 billion for materials. What a B-2 will
actually cost US taxpayers as currently con
structed is $2.3 billion.
(NEWS NOTES)
As of this writing we expect eight participants.
Two will be coming from Europe and two will be
from South Dakota. The group will visit with
people on the Cheyenne River, Pine Ridge, and
Rosebud reservations, with the last few days
spent in the Black Hills.
Focus on Guatemala: There is still room in the
Peace Brigades International Delegation to Gua
temala, July 30-August 14. The focus of the trip
is on accompaniment of refugees and will give
participants an opportunity to see first-hand the
fortitude and courage of the Guatemalan people
in the face of enormous violence.
For your reading, you might try Bridge of
Courage by Jennifer Harbury. It is life stories of
Guatemalan people, inspiring stories. We have
copies to lend, courtesy of members David
Enyeart and Catherine Ortner of Hot springs.
SD.
South Dakota Counseling Association: Chris
and Carl offered a workshop at the Spring Con
ference of the SDC A on April 15. The theme was
"Creative Conflict Resolution in the School Com
munity." It was an opportunity for us to share an
overview of the programs we do for schools with
school counselors from all over the state. We're
grateful to Dr. Jessie Finch, past President of
SDC A and a member of Nonviolent alternatives,
for the invitation.
US Army School of the Americas: Rep. Joseph
Kennedy has offered an amendment to the De
fense Authorization Bill to cut operating funds
for the School of the Americas. Members of
Nonviolent Alternatives received a mailing about
the effort to close the school, and were urged to
support the forty day fast being held on the East
steps of the Capitol, as well as to contact their
Congresspersons. Please call again asking sup
port for Rep. Kennedy's amendment. Our friends
to the South call SOA the "School of Assassins."
Many of those implicated in the assassinations in
El Salvador of Oscar Romero, the three US Nuns
and a Catholic lay worker, those slaughtered at
the Jesuit University, and hundreds of civilians
massacred at San Sabastian, Las Hojan El Mozote,
and El Junquillo, were trained by the SOA. The
school is located at Fort Benning, Georgia, and
spends millions of our tax dollars yearly.
"One Step ..
Our newsletter is named "One Step" from
those words in the first verse of the hymn, Lead
Kindly Light, the text of which was written by
John Henry Newman. This hymn was one of
Mahatma Gandhi's favorite Christian hymns.
The verse is as follows:
Leadfondly Ggfit, amidthe encirdinyytoom,
LeadLHou me on;
The niyht is darfa andI amfarfrom Home;
LeadLRou me on;
L(eep LTwu myfeet,
I do not asH; to see the distant scene
—one step enoughfor me.
Newsletter Family
Speaking of Money for the Military: The an
nual average expenditures of the US govern
ment for military research and development since
the mid-80's have been $35 billion. The average
expenditures for protecting the environment have
been $1.4 billion.
The developed countries spent $540 bil
lion in 1991 in military expenditure, and $50
billion on aid for the development of poor coun
tries.
One Step... is the newsletter of Non
violent Alternatives, a resource and ac
tivity center for exploration and experi
mentation with alternatives to violence.
It is sent free of charge to all members.
Editing and layout of this issue was
done by Chris Klug. We welcome mem
bers' contributions. Send us articles,
poetry, news , commentary, etc. Our
newsletter is printed on recycled paper.
2
Reflections On Gandhi's
125th Birthday
Here were people who "believed," passionately,
in nonviolence. It was as if nonviolence were another word
for God. (Little did I know then how my own conceptions
of God would evolve and integrate nonviolence.)
Gandhi has followers! This is the first thing I
appreciate about the man and his message. There are those
people who continue to honor his name and his experi
ment in their living.
The second thing I appreciate about Gandhi, espe
cially as an apostle to the Western world, is his comprehen
sive analysis and holistic solutions. Somehow, Gandhi
was able to be a student of practically everything, from
economics to agriculture, and a master of many. I remem
ber my first visit to the Gandhi museum in New Delhi.
Somehow, I stumbled on the display in the backyard. Here
were row after row of toilets. Each one was a little different.
It was Gandhi's experiment in sanitation for poor villagers
living in arid regions of the country. How could one devise
a sanitation system that would work, with little water and
meager financial resources? Gandhi set to work trying to
find an answer because he knew the welfare of the people
and the rural communities depended on it.
It is very difficult for those of us in the West to
envision our leadership putting their intellectual and ar
chitectural skills to work on toilet systems for the poor.
Their analysis would be more limited, and their solutions
would not be nearly as holistic.
It reminds me of the tour President Carter took of
an Indian village, where he observed the working of a bio
gas facility. One of the reporters traveling with him re
marked, with a grin, "Will you include that in your energy
program, Mr. President?" The reporter smirked. Perhaps
the President smirked as well. And, yet, the United States
continues to have serious problems disposing of waste.
Landfills are filled. Sewage plants overflow. And, in the
meantime, we consume non-renewable energy resources
at an alarming rate. Part of our problem is we don't have
the larger vision where we see all the parts as they connect
to make a whole. We too often see the parts, alone. Gandhi
invites us to a comprehensive world-view, one that is earth
and "enemy" friendly.
A third thing I appreciate about Gandhi is his
emphasis on our spiritual nature. In a materialistic culture,
it is important for me to hear that one can do without
anything during the course of a day, except prayer.
It is also clear from the roots in Sanskrit of Sa tyagraha
that the nonviolence that Gandhi was proclaiming didn't
have its origins in technique. Satyagraha has its origins in
the divine, and the best of the human. Without such a
rooting in the spiritual life, nonviolence can quickly suc
cumb to the rigorous blows a violent society inflicts. Vio
lence and injustice will eat away at love and conscious
suffering until one looks like what one hates.
My experience has been that those of us in the
West, and especially the young, are hungry for teachers
who are rooted in a viable spiritual life; a spiritual life that
gives form to its worship. Gandhi is such a teacher!
by Carl Kline
This year, October 2, is the 125th anniversary of the
birth of Mahatma Gandhi. A friend in India, Manmohan
Choudhuri, who publishes a periodical called Vigil, has
asked me to write an article celebrating the anniversary,
and reflecting on the importance of Gandhi for someone
from the West. The following is a beginning reflection and
article.
Gandhi has made all the difference for me!
I think of the the following line from a poem by
Robert Frost, "Two roads diverged in a yellow wood ..."
Somehow, I started along a very different road from the
one I was traveling when Marty Tillman found me in the
basement of the chapel at Hood College in Frederick, MD,
and invited me on a Lisle Fellowship program in India.
That was in 1977. There have been six more trips to India
since, and several opportunities to bring followers of Gandhi
to the North American continent. My road has not been
’♦raight and level, by any means, but the direction has
jmained essentially the same... looking with followers of
Gandhi for alternatives to violence.
There are at least five things about Gandhi that
appeal to me personally, and that I believe are especially
important in reaching those of us from the West.
The first is Gandhi's followers. Since I never met
Gandhi in person, I only know him through his writings,
his Spirit (which still pervades some of the work done in his
name), and through his followers. One of the most signifi
cant memorials to Gandhi, in my mind, is the number of
people who continue to work in his name. These followers
understand themselves as Gandhians. They are serious
students of Gandhi's writings. They conduct their own
lives as "experiments in truth." They try to model for
others what they saw Gandhi model for them. And, most
importantly, they live their lives as if they really believed
in nonviolence as a way of life.
I can't emphasize enough how important this lat
ter quality has been for me. I knew a little about nonvio
lence as a technique before my first visit to India in 1977.
But I had never been with people before who had seen and
experienced nonviolence as a way of life, integral to the
struggle for independence, and who knew nonviolence
was practical. It worked!
I was coming from a country where those inter
ested in social change were always debating the relative
merits of nonviolence as a social change technique, usually
with little serious study of it. For many, to be nonviolent
was to somehow be allied with the oppressor, not a serious
advocate for the oppressed. For others, nonviolence was a
high ideal, but for die naive. For still others, nonviolence
wasn't practical. These people were pragmatic minded,
wanting something that worked; rejecting nonviolence as
something morally superior, perhaps, but practically infe
rior. There were exceptions to this mentality, of course, but
it was common enough that I had little notion nonviolence
could be more than a process for protesting, until meeting
followers of Gandhi.
3
(See GANDHI, page 4)
»
May 5
(GANDHI, from page 3)
by Frank James
A fourth thing Gandhi offers those of us in the West
is a model for the potential power inherent in the indi
vidual. In a society like the US, known for an emphasis on
individual rights, it is especially heartening to see what one
"great soul" can accomplish.
One of the quotes from Gandhi I use most often
comes form Young India in 1920. "Nonviolence in its
dynamic condition means conscious suffering. It does not
mean meek submission to the will of the evil-doer, but it
means the pitting of one's whole soul against the will of the
tyrant. Working under this law of our being, it is possible
for a single individual to defy the whole might of an unjust
empire to save his (sic) honour, religion, and soul."
Here we have a person demonstrating what he
preaches. Gandhi is a living example of what he claims. If
we really believe in the US in the individual, as we claim,
Gandhi is a challenge to us to use our unique personal
power for the betterment of humankind.
Finally, I'm so grateful Gandhi conducted "experi
ments" in truth. I find the word so helpful.
Our society is so determined to assign labels of
winners and losers, of success and failure, and dole out
rewards and punishments. What can it do with someone
like Gandhi who says, "Satisfaction lies in the effort, not in
the attainment. Full effort is full victory."
Our organization, Nonviolent Alternatives, states
our purpose this way. "Nonviolent Alternatives is a re
source and activity center for exploration and experimen
tation with alternatives to violence." We experiment! We
do the best we can. Others certainly do better. But we will
continue to experiment in our own modest way, in our
place, as best we are able.
What a wonderful word, "experiment," to describe
our common task in the world-wide community of nonvio
lence. Thank you, Gandhi, and Happy Birthday indeed!
Bright straws of sunshine
fall to spring's earth.
I travel north with tappets clattering
This old truck has seen years of sunny springs
Maybe another coat of paint will heal the time
Another rag in the hole by the pedals
My old truck slows, this young man's life
45 slow mile an hour gives me time to recall
Where I've been and where I might be going
A gravel road with the stone beating my knees
The hole in the floor brings a painful smell
Out the cracked window the trees begin the
journey
I just can't tell anymore why we choose this
road
The world can still travel fast in an old Ford
truck
My father says stand still and the world passes
by
But here I see most have not moved
Peeling paint shows care from the past
I know I'm moving, but
I wish this world had a reverse that worked.
Another pickup travels somewhere
The truck is new the driver is gray
The children don't play on hay stacks any
where
Unless Mr. Cargill has some kids
But then he'd build a real playhouse.
(Frank Janies is a member of Nonviolent Alterna
tives and a worker for Dakota Rural Action. Frank
recently located some material on Cargillfor us, so we
could send it to friends in India who are fighting to
block Cargill from locating there. Frank wrote this
piece as he was reflecting on the proposal to locate an
enormousfeed lot near Brookings; and the numbers of
familyfarmers who get sacrificed to notions ofprogress
and efficiency.)
1968 this truck was built.
One year younger than me.
The changes we've seen and the places we
must go
This Ford's destination could be the scrap heap
Who wants to travel at a slow speed
Only a young man who wants to
See his children playing on haystacks or
Playing games with sticks.
Damn you Mr. Cargill
Give me a different road.
4
c.
•
Heaven Help(s) Us!
tioning of the human animal. We are more than
what we do, as Sr. Helen argues; but we have also
"met the enemy and s/he is us," as Pogo says.
Facing reality helps open us to heaven. What
reality do we see? And what heaven?
(Legia, a member ofNonviolent Alternatives, is mother
and grandmother, writer and theologian, and the
Director of the South Dakota Peace and Justice Center
in Watertown, SD. This article first appeared in the
South Dakota Sun, the newsletter ofthe South Dakota
Peace and Justice Center, March/April, 1994.)
by Legia Spicer
Schindler's List deserved to win its large
share of Oscars. The movie portrays the com
plexity of humanity in a stunning way. No dogooder-he—this man who saved 1,200 Jews from
the death chambers! Oscar Schindler had as
many weaknesses as he had strengths. Both
good and evil were present in this hero, a man
whose heart softened and opened to other hu
man beings over the course of the war and devel
oping holocaust.
Move ahead now 50 years to March 1994.
The Dalai Lama, the exiled leader of Tibetan
Buddhists, is visiting the Vad Vashem Holocaust
Memorial in Israel. Referring to the Nazis he
says: "Even in such people, deep down there is
seed of human compassion. This is my belief."
. he Dalai Lama's statement brings a quick retort
from Israeli Environment Minister Yossi Sarid:
"Any relating to Nazis in terms of humanity is
unconscionable."
And here we have the perennial question:
how is each of us related (or unrelated) to human
movements of evil—to our shadow side? How
do people begin to go wrong, and what within
each of us is prone to the idolatry which can lead
to genocide? What is the relationship between
the holocaust perpetrated against the Jews and
the holocaust perpetrated against the American
Indians? Who were/are the players in this de
monic desire to remove whole races of people
from the face of the earth? What makes a human
being human, humane? Compassion. Rational
ity. Community. Generosity. Courtesy. Cour
age. Understanding of the relationship between
created and Creator. Respect. We know this.
Then whence the shadow side? And does denial
of shadows make them grow?
Some of you have read Dead Man Walk
ing, by Sr. Helen Prejean. In it she details the lives
of men serving in prison and awaiting execution.
In opposing the death penalty, Sr. Helen con
cludes, "People are more than the worst thing
they have ever done in their life." Her conclusion
agrees with that of the Dalai Lama. Do we agree?
Is there humanity in the midst of depravity?
I believe that self-examination, confession,
asking for forgiveness, and accepting forgive
ness are critical for the healthy and joyful func-
^t some ideas you stand perp[e?(ed;
especially at the sight of human sins, uncer
tain whether to combat it byforce or by humble
love. Always decide, 7 will combat it with
humble love. ” Ifyou make up your mindabout
that once and for all, you can conquer^ the
whole world. Loving humility is a terrible
force; it is the strongest ofall things and there
is nothing lihe it. ” THe ‘BTOtfars Z&ramozov
(Dostoevski
/
Snaps:
/ Poetry and Prose \
/ From a Family Album \
/
We are very happy to
\
recommend to you this collection of
\
prose and poetry by Nonviolent Alterna
tives' member and University of South
Dakota
law
professor
Frank
Pommersheim. In this series of intimate
poetry and prose commentary, Frank
evokes a portrait not only of members of
a particular family, but of all families as
well. The resulting portrait not only de
scribes but transfigures familial reality
through a compositional process in which
"strict economies of means release a pow
erful concentrate of feelings."
)
K
Snaps is available for $7.95 (tax/
\ and postage included) from Rose/
\Hill Books, 28291 444th Ave/
n. Marion SD 57043. x
5
*
CCRC Basic Workshop
Training for Trainers
The Northern Plains School Mediation
and Violence Prevention Project will be offering
al5 hour Basic Workshop in Children's Cre
ative Response to Conflict (CCRC) from 8:30 am
to 5:00 pm on Tuesday, August 23 and Wednes
day, August 24. The basic philosophy of the
CCRC program is to create an atmosphere
among children and adults which is warm,
affirming, and supportive. In such an atmo
sphere it is possible for children to learn how to
deal with conflict in a humane and constructive
manner. Participants will experience specially
designed activities which they can use in their
work with children that help to create a healthy,
affirming environment, and develop skills in
each of the four thematic areas of affirmation,
cooperation, communication and problem solv
ing; and will learn and practice a six step
process for the creative resolve of conflict.
Graduate credit is available from Sioux Falls
College. Tuition for the training is $100, with
$30 more for graduate credit. The training will
take place in either Brookings or Sioux Falls.
The Basic Workshop will be followed by
a two day Training for Trainers on Thursday,
August 25, and Friday, August 26. This training
prepares persons who have already completed
the CCRC Basic Training to facilitate trainings
and workshops in creative conflict resolution.
Participants will learn how to shape a conflict
resolution workshop to meet the needs of a spe
cific group, and will learn and practice facilita
tion skills. There will be input and discussion of
process, group dynamics, creating agendas, train
ing techniques, learning styles, feedback, and the
use of role plays; and discussion of ways to set up
conflict resolution and violence prevention pro
grams within school communities. Participants
will become acquainted with the other programs
the Northern Plains School's Project offers: Vk
lence Prevention curricula. Bias Awareness Workshops, and Peer Mediation. Those who success
fully complete the training will be certified train
ers for the CCRC program. Tuition for the train
ing is $100. For more information and registra
tion, please contact us at 605-692-8465.
South Dakota Peace and Justice Center
Nonviolent Alternatives Project
825 4th St.
Brookings, SD57006
NON-PROFIT ORG.
U.S. POSTAGE
PAID
BROOKINGS, S.D.
PERMIT 48
(
rf A 40
Northern Plums School Mediation and
Violence Prevention Project
825 4th St.
Brookings, SD 57006
(605) 692-8465
About the Process
The roots of violence lie deep in our culture and the kinds of behavior our society
promotes reflects those roots: competition, hostility in response to aggression or fear, he
put-downs heard daily in the classrooms, corridors, and playgrounds of our schools. The
process modelled in this CCRC workshop seeks to create “safe space” where persons c an
openly express how they feel and what they need, where they feel free to cooperate using
communication and problem solving skills to resolve their conflicts creatively. We
model this process so that you can experience its effects, and consider using it, at least
some of the time, in your classrooms.
For example, we sit in a circle, which is an expression of equality. After we
complete an activity, we encourage participants to share about what it was like for them
to experience that activity, with no evaluation from anyone. This enhances self-esteem
and encourages us to focus,on the positive in ourselves and others.
Ground rules may be especially useful in creating safe space. We suggest those
listed below and encourage participants to add or subtract from the list as they feel
appropriate, practicing consensus decision making when they do.
Ground Rules
® We sit in a circle.
® We look for the positive in ourselves and others. No put-downs.
9 We listen to each other without interrupting.
° We keep the conversations we have in this room to ourselves. We
observe eonfidenthdlty.
• Everyone has the right to pass.
° We enjoy ourselves!
By focusing on these ground rules and reviewing them befrore each session, we
encourage participants to focus on the quality of the environment we arc creating
together which (hopefully) makes it safe for them to share their feelings and needs, and
to practice their new skills.
Agenda Review
At the beginning of each session, we ask participants to review the agenda with
us and make suggestions that will help to meet their needs. This exercise, however brief
and simple, is away of empowering persons to make choices and to affirm what they
think and feel about what is going on. If anyone does not understand the planned
activities, this is the time to explain them. A group will accept a plan that takes their
needs into account. If there is general disagreement with the plan, it is the facilitator’s
role to help the group come up with a new one quickly so they do not spend the entire
time deciding what to do.
The Right to Pass
Participants also have the right to pass. Both the agenda review and the right to
pass allow persons to make a choice not to do something. This skill is critical for all of
us (perhaps,especially for young people) as we make the difficult choices life demands
of us, e.g., saying “no” to drugs, and violent ways of dealing with conflict.
Evaluation
Evaluation encourages participants to give feedback after each session.
Evaluations are helpful in adapting subsequent sessions since they identify the needs of
participants more directly. Along with the agenda review, evaluations engage
participants in a partnership of learning with the facilitators. The participants feel
empowered as equal partners in co-creating their learning experience.
’’Light and Livelies”
"Light and Livelies”(L&L) are another technique used in almost every session.
These activities relieve tension by encouraging participants to laugh, act playful, and
have fun. They also increase the energy level in a group and focus peoples’ attention on
what's going on. They are not usually tied to the theme of the lesson, but serve the
purpose of freeing up folks to think more clearly. The trust that’s required for persons to
play together is similar to (he (rust necessary for the creplive resolve of conflict. If a
group can play together, it’s chances of resolving conflict creatively are greatly enhanced.
Closings
There is a definite closing to each session. This gives participants an opportunity
to bring things to closure, and affirms and honors them and their experience of the
session.
Affirmation and Cooperation
Elements in the workshop that promote affirmation are:
° Brainstorming: when the facilitator writes everything the participant says on
the newsprint or board, it affirms the importance of the comment.
° Giving persons the right to pass affirms their ability to be in touch wjith
activities that are too threatening for them to participate in.
• Being careful to remind persons of the the ground rules.
° Role plays give persons the chance to build self-confidence by standing in front
of the others and performing in a non-threatening way.
® Consensus on and revision of ground rules.
° Daily agenda review and evaluation: When these are done openly, participants
are encouraged to take responsibility for their education.
Besides specific activities whose purpose is cooperation, other elements in the workshop
that promote cooperation are:
® Role plays.
° Any decision reached by consensus, whether revision of ground rules or agenda,
or role play content.
° “Sharing circles” where everyone has a chance to speak.
i
- ♦
Description of Conflict
From Creative Conflict Resolution,
by William J. Kreidler
Two or more
PEOPLE
who
INTERACT
and
PERCEIVE
I
INCOMPATIBLE DIFFERENCES
between, or
THREATS
to
their
I
RESOURCES, NEEDS, or VALUES.
\
I
tills causes them to
This is the point of conflict ............ —BEHAVE
in
RESPONSE
to the INTERACTION and their
PERCEPTION of it.
the conlfict with then
ESCALATE
or DE-ESCALATE
The conflict will escalate if:
1. There is an increase in exposed emotion, e.g., anger, frustration.
2. There is an increase in perceived threat.
3. More people get involved, choosing sides.
4. The parties were not friends prior to the conflict.
6. The parties have few peacemaking skills at their disposal.
The conflict will de-escalate if:
1. Attention is focused on the problem, not on the participants.
2. There is a decrease in exposed emotion and perceived threat.
3. The parties were friends prior to the conflict.
4. They know how to make peace, or have someone to help them do so.
Ail of this can take place in the space of three minutes, or three months,
depending on the specific conflict.
.
De-escalation cools the conflict, keeping it from spreading and becoming violent.
At its best, conflict resolution is a de-escalation of a conflict that channels it along
functional rather than dysfunctional lines.
'x
Q
'
Tom
PT
(jJi Kj tjjrAe
/
'OX!
0
The process c* mapping ha.5 many benefits;
• u stmetures the conversation and usually keeps it awaylrom
excesses of emotion. People can lose their tempers an, lime
time bui
but
do tend to keep them toned dov/n while mapping.
• It creates a group process so that the problem can be aired co-
• H^r^es a forum where people can say what they need.
• It builds empathy and acknowledges people who .nay ncc feel
thev were being understood before.
r^imc
• It Enables youro see both your own and other peoples points
WHO:
NEEDS:
WHO:
HO:
of view much more clearly.
• li organises everyone’s views on an issue.
• li points ou. new directions.
FEARS:
NEEDS;
EEES:
;
SUMMARY_________ ___ ___ _
There are three steps to n sapping;
S'lEP 1; Define the issue in a general statement.
FEARS:
LARS;
STcP 2: Name the major parties involved.
STEP 3: VC'hat are the needs and fears of each person or group imoh ed.
THE ISSUE
Use maps alone, with a friend, with your conflict partner and with
groups of people. Analyse your map for new
ground, and a common vision. Focus on key issues ^nd
7
WHO;
jsTiO:
elements on which to build the win/win. Then move to designing
NEEDS:
•iEEDS;
new options.
WHO:
FEARS:
------
FEARS.
if a problem is solved one way and not another A cOTmo
unexoosed pay-off is the desire to save face. Clarify the hidden
agenda
NEEDS;
• Look for the areas of difficulty that most need attention.
• Look for leads. What didn't you know before that now seems to
need following through?
FEARS;
I
especially concessions you could easily oblige with.
Analyse these considerations yourself and with all the participants.
Then list the points demanding attention. Now you «e readv for
the next stage -developing options
I
I
Northern Plains School Mediation
and Violence Prevention Project
825 4th St.
Brookings, SD 57006
(605) 692-8465
Step by Step Process
Tools
Objective
1. De-escalate
Affirmation, speaking and
listening skills, body
language, cooperative
atmosphere, etc.
2. Discover the roots of the
conllict. e.g., needs, resources,
values.
Kreidler description, needs
assessment, “l-statements”,
mapping, role playing,
listening skills, etc.
3. Brainstorm all possible solutions
without evaluation.
Brainstorming, imagination,
creativity, etc.
4. Evaluate each solution.
“Win/Win Window”; Positions
Vs Needs or Interests.
5. Choose a solution.
6. Agree on a plan (timetable) for implementation
and evaluation.
4 .
«fav
J.’.-'AJVka. •iW 'W
.H -
WaAiud--UuZ'M'ci,>t>i
<- OUXACiXii
Z At whom am I angry?
4. What am I going to do
about it?
3. How angry am I on
a scale of one to ten?
/
%s>
2. Tell students that, when they arc angry, they should try imagining themselves as comic book
characters with these thought bubbles. Suggest that they learn to answer these questions before
acting.
Discussion:
Why might answering these questions help you express anger?
Why might it help to rank your anger on a scale of one to ten?
What are some of lhe/ways you might express it?
•*
-
. -.
What an you do if you’re not angry at any particular person?
(Creative Conflict Resolution More than 200 Activities for Keeping Peace in the
Classroom, William J. Kriedlcr. Scott, Forcsrnan and Company, 1984.)
I
CnnYlic-t Styles:
Vtet Ar@ You Llks?
nAirwnr
rhese
Different people have different stylos of handling conflicts,
styles are learned, usually when
uhen you are a child, . ftn i they w a to
Junction auUeaticaUy., Usually
Usually wo
ue are not auara of hov co a^t _in
But
conflict situations, U®
He Just
Just do
uhalmr
do whatever saeos
sogds to wee naturally,
s
«o
can
always
S9 do have a personal stylo and because it uas learned
change U by learning n«» and
f-- sera
--■* effective ways *of handling conflicts,
*.
Th& first concQrn is
There are Iso najor concerns In a conflict,
In
conflict
bocauso you hava a
schiaving your perianal goals, Vou are I.. -..
Your
goal say be highly
noH that conflicts vith another person's goal.
Ths second c\nc*?n
<aoor*ant to you, or It say ba of little isportance,
need
/s reaping n good vorking ralaiionship trilh ths other ^rs'‘3nto be^able to vork effectively vith the person in the future, The
•
relationship say bo very iaportant to you or it aay be of andlittle
how
iaportance,
Ho. important
inportant your
your personal goals ate to you
;__ *
Kgw
lict,
h
important
the .....
relationship• - is* - to-•-■jyouaffects how you set in a con
tvo'Toncerns, five 'styles of managing conflicts c|sn be
Given thess t-. —
identified,
. j shells
avoid to
7^4? furihr Turtles withdraw into their
They give up ttheir
‘ ' personal
.
’ goals and
conflicts,
,
H
x.
They
stay
away
froia
the
issues over
relationships
jeopla
which the conflict h taking place and frors the it is
Turtles
believe
they am in conflict with,
They feel
* i to resolve conflicts,
hopeless to try
to
withdraw
They
helpless,
helpless.
r . believe it. isfroneasier
a
conflict
than to
(physically and psychologically)
face it,
nm Shark. Sharks try to ovorpowor opponents by forcing
their solution to the conflict. Their
is of sinor iaporUnce, They seek io achieve their
goals at all costs, They am} not cone9mod vith the
nsads of othsr persons, They
1 , do not cars if othor
Sharks assuao that
persons like or accept thea,
conflicts are settled by one person winning and one
parson losing, They yant to bo the dinner, Dinning
«‘m"sharks^ ^nso of pride and achievmnt Loilng
nlvss th«0 a •«”« 3f Boaknois, inadsguacy and failure,
They try to ®in by attacking, ovarpoworing, ovewalnmg
end intUidating other persona,
182
r/)tf
Th* Wdy
Mdy Swr,
Bur. To Toddy Bears, the relationship is of
great importance, uhlle their own goals are of little
importance. Toddy Boars want to be accepted and liked
by other people. They think that conflict should be
avoided in favour of harnony and believe that conflicts
cannot be discussed without damaging relationships.
They are afraid *hat if the conflict continues someone
will got hurt and that could ruin the relationship,
"hey give up their goals to preserve the rolationship.
Teddy Bears say, "I'11 give up oy goals and lot you have
what you want in order for you to like dq,d Toddy Baars
try to soooth over the conflict in fear of haroing the
relationship.
own
The Fox Foxes are moderately
ooderately concerned
concernea with
uiw their
vnex. ««<•
goals and about their relationships with other people.
Foxes seek a comprooise. .They. give up part of their
goals and persuade the other person in a1 conflict to
give up part of his goals, They soak a solution to
conflicts whore
t'..— both
---u sides .gain something, the Diddle
ground between two extreme positions, They are willing
part' of‘ their‘ 1goals
to sacrifice p_
“*’' and relationships in
order to find agreement for the common good.
Ms Ovl
Owls highly value their own goals and
relationships, Thoy viev conflicts as problems to be
solved and seek a solution that achieves both their oun
goals and the goals of the other person in the conflict,
Owls see conflicts as iaproving relationships by
reducing tonsion betoeon too people, They try to begin
a discussion that identifies the conflict as a problem,
By seeking solutions that satisfy both themselves ^and
and
the other person, owls maintain the relationship,
is found that
are not satisfied until a solution
tJ.
other
person's goals,
achieves their own goals and the
the
tensions and
And they are not satisfied until
negative feelings have been fully resolved.
183
<
■
'
■-
-
-
•
' ■* ! I’
,
1
’ '.«<■ i
Northern Plains School Mediation
and Violence Prevention Project
825 4th St.
Brookings, SD 57006
(605) 692-8465
Assertive and Non-Assertive Behaviours
Aggressive
I am aggressive (non-assertive) when I stand up for my rights in such a
way that the rights of others are violated or ignored.
I am aggressive when I dominate, humiliate, or put the other person
down.
I am aggressive when I attack the other person in some way.
Passive
1 am passive (non-assertivc) when I allow my rights to be violated by
another person, or let another person take advantage of me.
I am passive when I do not speak up even though 1 know I am being
abused.
Manipulative
I am manipulative (non-assertivc) when I use indirect means to gel
own way without stating openly what I want.
my
I am manipulative when I Hatter, coax, “guilt-trip”, or act helpless to get
my own way.
Assertive
I am assertive when I stand up for my rights in such a way that the
rights of others are not violated.
I am assertive when I am honest and direct, and express my needs,
opinions, thoughts and feelings appropriately.
I am assertive when I am respectful and thoughtful about the other
person, though not necessarily respecting or agreeing with their
behaviour.
UORKSHEET
Comparing Non-Assertivs, Aggressive and Assertive behaviour and their consequences.
Non - Assertive Behaviour:- FLIGHT - Soft on th© problem
the people
Traits:
Not expressing your own feelings, needs, ideas, ignoring
your own rights, allowing others to infringe on them.
Behaviour:
Emotionally dishonest, indirect, inhibited, self denying.
Results;
Anxiety, disappointmsnt with self, possible auger and
resentment later.
Pay-offs:
Avoidance of unpleasant situations eg.
confrontations and conflict.
Problem:
Needs are not met, anger builds up, feelings of low self
worth.
tension
Aggressive Behaviour:- FIGHT - Hard on the problem and the people
Traits:
Expressing your f
feelings,, needs and ideas at expense of
otharei standing up for your rights but ignoring rights of
others; trying to dominate, even to humiliate others
Behaviour:
Expressive but also defensive, hostile and self defeating.
Results:
Anger, Belf-righteousness, possible guilt later.
Pay-of fs:
Way of venting anger and achieving goals short term
Problem:
Distancing of self from others; feelings of frustration,
bitterness and isolation.
Assertive Behavlouri^ FLOV - Hard on the problem, soft on the people
Traits:
Expressing your feelings, needs and ideas and standing up
for your legitimate rights in ways that do not violate the
rights of others.
Behaviour:
Emotionally honest, direct, expressive and self-enhancing,
Results:
Confidence, self-esteem, while being assertive
Pay-offs:
Problem:
Achievement of goals and even if this does not occur, there
are feelings of self-worth which stem from being straight
forward.
Improvement in self-confidence leading to freer
-.. ,
more honest relationships with others.
?
/
Mi
,
/U.S uj
&bK.
HANDLING CONFLICT
1. The ELEMENTS of conflict, as examplified from "The Prisoners’
Dilemma":
fl: ASSUMPTIONS:
They may be accurate or inaccurate.
1. Accurate
"The object of this game is to make as much money
as possible, without hurting or helping the other".
2. Inaccurat e:
8:
"The object of this game is to beat the others".
I NT ENTIONS:
They may be genuine or exploitive.
1. Genuine:
2*
"We must .earn money"
Exploitive: "We must win".
C. COMMUNICATION:
It may be evaluative (judgemental, accitratory)
or merely descriptive (direct, non-accusatory); and it may include positive
j or
negative feelings.
1• Evaluative and judgemental: "You crooks can't be trust cd I"
D.
2• Descriptive and Direct.;
" I am not sure I can trust you1'
3. With negative Feelings:
"You're cheat ingl" (Anger)
4. With positive feelings:
"Let's both play the blue card"(Trust)
BEHAVIOUR:
It may be reactive (against) or proactive (for);
accepting; defensive or open.
rejecting or
1* React ive :
We'll play the red cardl"
2. Pro act ive:
"Let's play the blue card."
3. Rejecting:
"No negotiations with theml"
4. Accept ing:
"Let's give them a chance to prove themselves."
5. Defensive:
"Be carefull
6. Opens
"Whatever happens,
They are out to trick usl"
we’ll stand by our word."
TWO POSSI BLE APPROACHES to resolve a conflict;
fl. From the level of Assumptions and Intentions:
ASSUMPTIONS
pT
-
HV—-.ivino
f
T
Inaccurat e
-2-
— To move from Conflict situation to a Problem-solving one,
correct the assumptions and intentions
of both sides, (see Page 3)
B. From the level of Communications and Behaviours
___ I___
Reactive
Rejecting
(Negative Feelingss
I
Defensive
Open
’’Against”)
accepting
(Positive Feelings?
_T° Move from Conflict situation,
case would be the right one.
Proact ive
"For")
a move to the right in this
parent-adolescent CONFLICT
Sit uation;
An over-protective mother and a rebellious teenager
Mother;
'Mil I want is that
Sons
I wish she'd stop talking about my happiness.
It's she
my happiness.
who makes my life miserable.
Her whining and worrying
and ragging are driving me crazy’.”
my son should be -happy and secure. ”
Assumption?
1o
Inaccurates
Mother:
”He needs me to look after him.”
Sons
She!s out to embarrass
me §>nd make my life miserable.”
2. A co urates
Mothers
Song
"He doesn't like my babying him."
’’She’s concerned about me. ”
Int entions?
1-
Exploit! ve:
Mother?
Son?
2.
’’He’ll do
as I think best and like itl”
”Irm going to see that she keeps out
of my hairl”
Genuine:
Mot hers
Son:
”1 really want my son to grow
up happy.”
”1 want to Prove to her that she need not
worry about me”.
/ASSUMPTIONS
.!
t
t
f
t
r
/Accurate
t
t
t
f
i-lothers ”He doesn’t
like my babying him,
so i have to find out
how I can best help
him to be happy and
mat ure,?.
i J on i.'I
e
»
t
t
I
1
t
»
!
!
f
f
T
Sons ’’She’s worried
about me, so I have
to show her, that she
need not be; that I
can stand on my own
f act” •
»
f
!
I
f
f
I
I
t
PRO BLEPr-SOLUING
Inaccurate
Mothers ”He’s not old
enough to look after
himself, so jt ve got
to do what is best to
help him grow up happy”.
Sons ’’Until i can prove
to her that I don’t
need her to wipe my
nose; she’s going to
drive me crazy.
So
I’d batter show ner
that I am old enough
to take care of myself.”
HELPING /APPRO/ACH
I
I.WFNTTONS--------
f
1
Hot her-,
nHe may not
liKe it, but he’ 11 do
a.® I say as long as
h o ’ a my son."
LXplcitivo
f
!
Sons ’’Let her worryl
1’ 11 pay her off
against my fat her»
What she doesn’t know
won’t hurt her’.”
t
!
t
I
I
f
f
f
fWIPULATlON
f
f
!
f
f
t
Mother: ”He is not old
enough to look after
himself, so I intend to
tell him how to behave,
whether he likes it or
not I /After all, Mother
knows best’.”
Sons ”as long as she
keeps nagging me and
embarrassing me in front
of my friends, I’m going
to stay as far away from
her as possible, and do
whatever I please’.”
r
!
»
!
f
»
!
CONFLICT
t
I
I
I
I
\
I
I
rU
HANDLING CONFLICT
1. The ELEMENTS of conflict, as examplified from ’’The Prisoners’
Dilemma”:
^2 /ASSUMPTIONS:
They may be accurate or inaccurate.
1. ^Accurat eo
The object of this game is. to make as much money
as possible-, without hurting or helping the other”.
2. Inaccurate;
9:
’’The object of this game is to beat the others”.
INTENTIONS:
They may be genuine or exploitive.
1 • Gen uine:
2.
”We must earn money”
Exploitive:
”We must win”.
C. COMMUNI C/ATI ON:
It may be evaluative (judgemental,
accuFratory) or merely descrip—
tive (direct,t inon-accusatory)
----; and it may include positive or
negative feelings.
1. Evaluative and judgemental: ’’You crooks canrt be trustedl”
2. Descriptive and Direct:
3. hjith negative Feelings:
I am not sure I can trust you”
’’You* re cheat ingl”
With positive feelings:
D.
(/Anger)
s bot h play the blue card” (Trust)
BEHAVIOUR;
It may be reactive (against)
or proactive (for);
accepting; defensive or open.
1 • Reactive :
H
rejecting or
We’ll play the red cardl”
2. Proact ive: ’’Let’s play the blue card.”
Rejecting;
”No negotiations with theml”
4. Accepting:
■■Cat's give them a' chance to prove themselves."
5. Defensive:
”Be carefull
6. Open:
’’What ever happens,
They are'out to trick usl”
we’ll stand by our word.”
TWO POSSI BLE APPROACHES to resolve a conflict;
A.
From the level of Assumptions and Intentions:
'ASSUMPTIONS
p
Ac curat e
' •‘-1
f
— '1 ir
■'
Inaccurat e
-2-
— To move from Conflict situation to a Problem-solving one,
correct the assumptions and intentions of both sides, (see Page 3)
B*
From the level of Communications and Behaviours
___ L_
1
I
I
Rejecting
Defensive
Open
Accepting
Proact ive
(Negative Feelings:
’’Against")
Reactive
_To move from Conflict situation,
case would be the right one.
(Positive Feelings: ’’For’1)
a move to the right in this
f^rent-^dolescent conflict
Sit uation;
An over-protective mother and a rebellious teenager.
Hot her:
"All I want is that
Son:
"I wish, she’d stop talking about, my happiness.
It’s she
who makes my life miserable.
Her whining and worrying
and ragging are driving me crazy’."
my son should be happy and secure."
Assumption?
1•
Inaccurat eg
Hot her:
"He needs me to look after him."
Son:
"She’s out to embarrass me and make my life miserable."
2. Accurate:
Hot her:
Son?
”He doesn’t like, my babying him."
"She’s concerned about me."
Int entions?
1«
Exploitive:
Ho th er?
"He’ll do as I think best and like itl"
Son?
I’m going to see that she keeps out of my hairl"
2. Genuine;
Hot her:
Son:
”1 really, want my son to grow up happy."
ti
I want to prove to her that she need not worry about me".
I
^ssurqpnoNs
i
i
i
i
i
f
t
t
i
i
/Ac curat e
Plot her: ”He doesn’t
like my babying him,
so I have to find out
how I can best help
him to be happy and
mat uro”.
.‘enuine
i
i
i
i
t
i
i
t
i
i
t
Son: ” She’s worried
about mg, so I have
to show her, that she
ne^ed nut be; that I
can stand on my own
feet”.
r
t
f
PRO EL EOT- SO LUING
Inaccurate
Mother: ”He’s not old
enough to look after
himself, so p ve got
to do what is best to
help him grow up happy”.
Sen: ii Until I can prove
to her that I don’t
need her to wipe my
nose; she’s going to
drive me crazy.
So
I’d better show her
that I am old enough
to take care of myself.n1
HELPING ^PPRO^CH
t
I iviTcmoNs-----Mother: ”He may not
like it, but he’ 11 do
as I say as long as
he’s my son.”
jilcit ive
Sen: ’’Let her worry!
I ’ 11 pay her off
against my fat hero
What she doesn’t know
won’t hurt her!”
PIANIPULaTION
I
i
i
i
i
i
i
f
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
♦
t
t
Mother: ”He is not old
enough to look after
himself, so I intend to
tell him how to behave,
whether he likes it or
not! after all,9 Mother
knows best’.”
Son: uAs long as she
keeps nagging me and
embarrassing me in front
of my friends, I’m going
to stay as far away from
her as possible, and do
whatever I please’.”
CONFLICT
I
I
I
!
I
r\
HANDLING CONFLICT
1. The ELEMENTS of conflict, as examplified from ’’The Prisoners’
Dilemma”:
fls /ASSUMPTIONS:
They may be accurate or inaccurate.
1. /Accurat eg
’’The object of this game is to make as much money
as possible, without hurting or helping the other”.
2. Inaccurate;
8:
’’The object of this game is to beat the others”.
INTENTIONS:
They may be genuine or exploitive.
1. Gen uin es
2’
”We must earn money”
”Ue must win”.
Exploitive:
C. COMMUNICATION:
It may be evaluative (judgemental, accupratory) or merely descrip
tive (direct, non-accusatory); and it may include positive or
negative feelings.
•
D.
Evaluative and judgemental:
’’You crooks can’t be trustcdl”
2* Descriptive andpirect:
” I am not sure I can trust you”
3. With negative Feelings:
’’You’re cheating!” (/Anger)
4. With positive feelings:
’’Let’s both play the blue card”(Trust)
BEHAVIOUR:
It may be reactive (against) or proactive (for);
accepting; defensive or open.
1 • Reactive •
H
2. Proact ive:
’’Let’s play the blue card.”
Rejecting;
”No negotiations with themt”
7i
rejecting or
We’ll play the red card’.”
4. Accept ing;
’’Let’s give them a chance to prove themselves.”
5. Defensive:
”Be carefull
6. Open:
They are out to trick usl”
’’Whatever happens, we’ll stand by our word.”
TWO POSSI BLE APPROACHES to resolve a conflict;
A*
From the level of /Assumptions and Intentions:
/ASSUMPTIONS
A ecu rat e
p
t
r
Inaccurate
-2-
— To move from Conflict situation to a Problem-solving one,
correct the assumptions and intentions
of both sides, (see Page 3)
B- From the level of Communications and Behaviour?
L
___ L__
I
Rejecting
Defensi ve
Open
(Negative Feelings:
"Against”)
Reactive
Accepting
Proact i ve
(Positive Feelings? ”For”)
_T° m°ve from Conflict situation,
case would be the right one.
a move to the right in this
PARENT-ADOLESCENT CONFLICT
Sit uat ion;
An over-protective mother and a rebellious teenager^
Not her:
’Mil I want is that
Son:
’I wish she’d stop talking about my happiness.
It’s she
who makes my life miserable.
Her whining and; worrying
and ragging are driving me crazy’.”
my son should be happy_and secure.”
As sumpt ion?
1•
Inaccurat e?
Not her:
’’He needs me to look after him.”
Son:
’’She’s out to embarrass
me ^nd make my life miserable.”
2. Accurate;
Not her:
Son?
"He doesn’t like my babying him.”
’’She’s concerned about me.”
Intentions?
1o
Exploitive:
Nother?
Son:
2.
’’He’ll do
as I think best and like itl”
”1’ nr going to see that she keeps out of my hairl”
Genuine:
Nether:
Son?
"I really want my son to grow up happy.”
”1 want to prove to her that she need not
worry about me”.
ASSUMPTIONS
.!
t
t
I
t
ecurate
Mother?! ”He doesn’t
like my babying him,
so I have to find ouc
how I can best help
him to be happy and
mat ur e‘?.
!
t
t
t
I
!
t
1
'3
Mothers ”He’s not old
enough to look after
himself, so I’ve got
to do what is best to
help him grow up happy”.
1
t
!
Son; ”She’s worried
about me, so I have
to show her, that she
need not be; that I
can stand on my own
feet” a
Inaccurate
!
Sons ’’Until I can prove
to her that I don’t
need her to wipe my
nose; she’s going to
drive me crazy.
So
I’d better show ner
that I am old enough
to take care of myself.”
!
HELPING /APPROACH
f
1
T
!
!
t
f
I
!
I
t
PRO 8LE^r-SOLVI NG
!
INTENSIONS----------------
Mot her: ”He may net
like itj but he1 11 do
as I say as long as
he’s my son.”
i\;e
Sen: ’’Let her wo try I
1r 11 pay her off
against my fat hero
b’hat she doesn’t know
won’t hurt her I”
mNIPULATI ON
f
t
!
f
t
t
»
f
1
!
»
!
I
!
!
»
t
»
I
t
t
f
f
I
t
!
!
!
!
!
t
t
Mother; ”He is not old
enough to look after
himself, so I intend to
tell him how to behave,
whether he likes it or
not I After all, Mother
knows best’.”
Sons nAs long as she
keeps nagging me and
embarrassing me in .front
of my friends, Ifm going
to stay as far away from
her as possible, and do
whatever I please’.”
CONELICT
r\ zl4J
HANDLING CONFLICT
1.
The ELEMENTS of conflict, as examplified from ’’The Prisoners’
Dilemma”:
fl: ASSUMPTIONS:
They may be accurate or inaccurate.
1 • Accurat e:
’’The object of this game is to make as much money
as possible without hurting or helping the other”.
,2. Inaccurate;
6:
’’The object of this game is to beat the others”.
INTENTIONS:
They may be genuine or exploitive.
1 • Genuine;
2.
”Ws must earn money”
Exploitive:
”bje must win”.
t
C. COMMUNICATION:
It may be evaluative (judgemental, accupratory) or merely descrip
tive (direct, non-accusatory); and it may include positive or
negative feelings.
i•
Evaluative and judgemental:
2- Descriptive and Direct;
” I am not sure I can trust you”
3. ijith negative Feelings:
’’You’re cheating!” (Anger)
With positive feelings:
D.
’’You crooks can’t be trusted!”
H
Let’s both play the blue card”(Trust)
BEHAVIOUR:
It may be reactive (against) or proactive (for);
accepting; defensive or open.
rejecting
or
1. Reactive :
’’We’ll play the red card!”
2. Proact ive:
’’Let’s 'play the blue card.”
3. Rejecting:
”No negotiations with them!”
4. Accept ing:
’’Let’s give them a chance to prove themselves.”
5. Defensive:
”Be careful!
6. Open:
’’Whatever happens,
They are out to trick us!”
we’ll stand by our word.”
TWO POSSI BLE APPROACHES to resolve a conflict;
A.
From the level of Assumptions and Intentions:
ASSUMPTIONS
!
Accurat e
T
f
t
Jpaccurat e
•>
-2-
— To move from Conflict situation to a Problem-solving one,
correct the assumptions and intentions of both sides, (see Page 3)
B. From the level of Communications and Behaviour?
I
_____ |_____
I
I
I
Reactive
Rejecting
Defensi ve
Open
Accepting
(Negative Feelings?
’’Against")
_T° m°ve from Conflict situation,
case would be the right one.
Proact ive
(Positive Feelings? ’’For’1)
a move to the right in this
parent-adolescent conflict
Sit uation:
An over-protective mother and a rebellious teenager.
Not her:
»^11 I want 4s that my son should be happy gnd
secure."
Son?
’’I wish she'd stop talking about my happiness.
It's she
who makes my life miserable.
E
Her whining and worrying
and ragging are driving me crazy*."
Assumpt ion?-
1•
Inaccurat e?
Not her: • "He needs me to look after him."
"She's out to embarrass me 9-nd make my life miserable."
Son:
2. Accurate;
Not her:
Son?
”He doesn't like my babying him."
’’She's concerned about me."
Intentiohs;
1•
Exploitive:
Not her?
Son:
’’He'll do as I think best and like it I"
”1'm going to see that she keeps out of my hairl”
2. Genuine:
Not her:
Son:
I really want my son to grow up happy."
”1 want to prove to her that she need not worry about me".
f
ASSUMPTIONS
!
t
t
f
f
f
t
I
t
t
<Accurat e
Mother: ”He doesn’t
like my babying him,
so I have to find ouc
now I can best help
h.m to be happy and
mat ure”.
1
!
Mother: ”He’s not old
enough to look after
himself, so I’ve got
to do what i-s best to
help him grow up happy”.
t
!
Jenuj.
Inaccurat e
t
1
Son: ’’She’s worried
about me, so I have
to show her, t hat she
need not be^ that I
o.-.n stand on my own
f eet”«
!
t
t
f
!
I
t
f
!
I
PRO BLEMr-SOLVING
Son: ’’Until I can prove
to her that I donf t
need her to wipe my
nose; she’s going to
drive me crazySo
I’d better show ner
that I am old enough
to take care of myself.”
HELPING APPROACH
t
I \TENTIONS-----------
Mot her:
t
”He may not
like it, but he’ 11 do
as I say as long as
hnrs my son.”
!>clcit ivu
Son: ’’Let her worry’.
17 11 pay her off
against my father.
What site doesn’t know
won’t hurt her’.”
IWIPULATION
i
!
»
!
f
t
f
f
»
!
!
t
t
!
Mother: ”He is not old
enough to look after
himself, so I intend to
tell him how to behave,
whether he likes it or
not I After all, Mother
knows bestl”
Son: ”As long as she
keeps nagging me and
embarrassing me in front
of my friends, I’m going
to stay as far away from
her as possible, and do
whatever I please’.”
t
t
t
T
CONELICT
n A'"/-1
handling conflict
1. The ELEMENTS of conflict, as exemplified from ’’The Prisoners’
Dilemma”:
/
/ASSUMPTIONS:
They may be accurate or inaccurate.
'
• Accurat e:
’’The object of this game is to make as much money
as possible, without hurting or helping the other”.
2. Inaccurate:
’’The object of this game is to beat the others”.
INTENTIONS:
B:
They may be genuine or exploitive.
Gonuine:
2’
”We must earn money”
Exploitive:
”|jje must win”.
C. COMMUNICATION:
It may be evaluative (judgemental, accupratory) or merely descriptive (direct, non-accusatory); and it may include positivej or
negative feelings.
1. Evaluative and judgemental: ’’You crooks canTt be trust cd I”
D.
2• Descriptive and pirect:
” I am not sure I can trust you”
3. With negative Feelings:
’’You’re cheating!” (Anger)
4. with positive feelings:
’’Let’ s both play the blue card”(Trust)
BEHAVIOUR:
It may be reactive (against) or proactive (for); rejecting or
accepting; defensive or open.
1 • Reactive :
it
2. Proact ive:
’’Let’s play the blue card.”
3. Rejecting:
”No negotiations with them!”
4. Accept ing;
’lLet’s give them a chance to prove themselves.”
5. Defensive:
”Be careful!
6
2££!1s
We’ll play the red card!”
They are out to trick usl”
'^Whatever happens, we’ll stand by our w°rd.”
TWO POSSI BLE APPROACHES to resolve a conflict;
A*
From the level of Assumptions and Intentions:
ASSUMPTIONS
Ac curat e
3r itilem-sol ving
' . h .. .1 . ur
?
f
f
t
t
f
Inaccurat e
kip? n i
-2-
— To move from Conflict situation to a Problem-solving one,
correct the assumptions and intentions of both sides, (see Page 3)
B. From the level of Communications and Behaviour?
__ J__
I
I
I.
Rej ect ing
Defensive
Open
/Accepting
(Negative Feelingss
’M gainst”)
Reactive
(Positive Feelings?
_T° rnove from Conflict situation,
case would be the right one.
Proact ive
’’For”)
a move to the right in this
PARENT-^ DDL ESC ENT CONFLICT
Situation:
/An over-protective mother and a rebellious teenager.
Not her:
’Mil I want is that
Son:
"I wish she’d stop talking about my happiness.
It’s she
who makes my life miserable.
Her whining and worrying
and ragging are driving me crazy’.”
my son should be happy and secure.”
<Assumpt ion?
1•
Inaccurat e:
*
Not her:
"He needs me to look after him.”
Son:
"She’s out to embarrass
me 9-nd make my life miserable.”
2. Accurate:
Not her:
Son:
"He doesn’t like my babying him.”
"She’s concerned about me. ”
Intentions:
1
Exploitive:
Not her:
Son:
2.
"He’ll do as I think best and like it!”
”1’m going to see that she keeps out of
my hair!”
Genuine:
Not her:
Son:
"I really want my son to grow
up happy.”
"I want to prove to her that she need not
worry about me”.
ASSUMPTIONS
.!
f
!
I
I
t
t
f
I
f
I
t
curat e
Mother: ”He doesn’t
'like my babying him,
so I have to fiao our
how I can best help
him to be happy and
mat ur e”.
t
!
t
!
!
1 m I-. r e
f
T
Son- ’’She’s worried
about me, so I have
to show her, that she
need riot be; that I
ran stand on my own
fed;”.
!
t
!
!
t
!
f
f
I
t
PRORLED-SOLVING
T
Mot her: ”He may not
lo.ke it, but he’ 11 do
as I say as long as
her s my son.”
Son; ’’Let her worryl
I ’ 11 pay her off
against my father*.
L’hat she doesn’t know
won’t hurt her’.”
Mother: ”He’s not old
enough to look after
himself, so I’ve got
to do what is best to
help him grow up happy”.
Son: tt Until I can prove
to her that I don’t
need her to wipe my
nose; she’s going to
drive me crazy.
So
I’d batter show her
that I am old enough
to take care of myself.”
HELPING APPROACH
t
IrJTNnC)N5-------
;Jloj.L ivc
Inaccurate
t
t
i
!
»
!
I
t
r
f
t
f^NIPUUTlGN
f
t
f
t
t
!
Mother: ”He is not old
enough to look after
himself, so I intend to
tell him how to behave,
whether he likes it or
not I After all 9 Mother
knows best’.”
Son: nAs long as she
keeps nagging me and
embarrassing me in front
of my friends, I’m going
to stay as far away from
her as possible, and do
whatever I please’.”
CONFLICT
HANDLING CONFLICT
1. The ELEMENTS of conflict, as examplifiod from ’’The Prisoners’
Dilemma":
/As ASSUMPTIONS:
They may be accurate or inaccurate.
1. Accurat e:
"The object of this game is to make as much money
as possible, without hurting or helping the other”.
2. Inaccurate:
B:
’’The object of this game is to beat the others”.
INTENTIONS:
They may be genuine or exploitive.
1 • Gen uin eg
2*
”We must earn money"
Exploitive: ’’We must win".
C. COMMUNICATION:
It may be evaluative (judgemental, accus-atory) or r
\ ‘
merely descriptive (direct, non-accusatory); and it may include positive
? or
negative feelings.
1•
Evaluative and judgementai:
2. Descriptive and Direct;
H
3<> ijith negative Feelings:
"yo4j’re cheat ingl" (/flnger)
With positive feelings:
D.
’’You crooks can’t be trustedl"
I am not sure I can trust you”
’’Let’s both play the blue card"(Trust)
BEHAVIOUR:
It may be reactive (against) or proactive (for);
accepting; defensive or open.
rejecting or
1 • Reactive :
"We’ll play the red cardl"
2. Proact ive:
’’Let’s play the blue card."
3» Rejecting:
”No negotiations with theml”
4. Accept ing:
“Let’s give them a chance to prove themselves.”
5. Defensive:
”Be carefull
6* 2E®!15
They are out to trick usl”
’’Whatever happens, we’ll stand by our word.”
TWO POSSI BLE APPROACHES to resolve a conflict?
A* From the level of Assumptions and Intentions:
ASSUMPTIONS
.J12c.u.r_ai_e
P!
Inaecurat e
t
-solving
-L1
'
■
-2-
— To move from Conflict situation to a Problem-solving one,
correct the assumptions and intentions of both sides, (see Page 3)
B.
i
From the level of Communications and Behaviour?
___ L_
___ L__
I
Rejecting
Defensive
Open
(Negative Feelings:
’’Against”)
Reactive
___ I__
• Accepting
Proact i ve
(Positive Feelings: "For")
7°
from Conflict situation, a move to the right in this
case would be the right one.
parent-adolescent conflict
Sit uation:
An over-protective mother and a rebellious teenager.
mother:
’Mil I want is that my son should be happy and
secure.”
Son:
I wish she’d stop talking about my happiness.
It’s sbe
my happiness.
who makes my life miserable,
Her whining and worrying
and ragging are driving me crazy’.”
As sumpt ion?
1•
Inaccurat e:
mother:
”He needs me to look after him.”
Son:
’’She’s out to embarrass
me <*nd make my life miserable.”
2. Accurate;
mother:
Son;
”He doesn’t like my babying him.”
’’She’s conberned about me.”
Intentions:
1
Exploitive:
mother;
Son;
’’He’ll do
as I think best and like it I”
”1’ m going to see that she keeps out of
my hairl”
2. Genuine:
mother:
Son;
”1 really want my son to grow up happy.”
”1 want to prove to her that she
need not worry about me”.
'ASSUMPTIONS
t
t
i
!
T
!
/Accurate
f
t
f
I
t
t
Mothers ”He doesn’t
-like my babying him,
so I have to find out
how i can best help
him to be happy and
mat ure”.
i Genuine
!
f
»
t
I
Son; ’’She’s worried
about me, so I have
to show her, that she
need not be; that I
c( .n stand on my own
fecb”.
»
t
!
1
f
PPO BL EP"r-SOLVING
!
t
1
HELPING /APPRO/flCH
!
Mot her: ”He may not
like it, but he’ 11 do
as I say as long as
ha’s my sono”
^NIPL'LATION
Son: ’’Until i can prove
to her that I don’t
need her to wipe my
nose; she’s going to
drive me crazy,
so
I’d better show ner
that I am old enough
to take care of myself.”
t
I NTENTI ONS----------
Son: ’’Let her worry’.
1T11 pay her off
against my father.
What she doesn’t know
won’t hurt her I”
Mother: ”He’s not old
enough to look after
himself, so I’ve got
to do uhat is best to
help him grow up happy”.
I
t
f
t
1
T
I
!?<plcit ivss
Inaccurate
f
f
f
f
1
!
!
I
f
I
!
»
!
!
t
f
I
f
!
!
f
I
T
I
T
!
f
!
!
!
Mother: ”He is not old
enough to look after
himself, so J intend to
tell him how to behave,
whether he likes it or
not I 4ft er all, Mother
knows best I”
Son: uAs long as she
keeps nagging me and
embarrassing me in front
of my friends, I*m going
to stay as far away from
her as possible, and do
whatever I please’.”
CONFLICT
/
9
HANDLING CONFLICT
1. The CLEMENTS of conflict, as examplificd from nThe Prisoners’
Dilemma’*:
i
fls ASSUMPTIONS:
They may be accurate or inaccurate.
1. Accurat e:
r’’‘“
‘
The
object of this game, is to make as much money
as possible, without .hurting-or helping the other”.
2. Inaccurate:
0:
INTENTIONS:
’’The object of this game is to beat the others”.
(
They may be genuine
1. Genuine:
or exploitive.
”We must earn money”
2* -Exploitive:
”li]e must win”.
C. COMMUNICATION:
It may be evaluative (judgemental, accusratory) or merely descriptive (direct,, inon-accusatory)
----; and it may include positive or
negative feelings.
1. Evaluative and judgemental: ’’You crooks can’t be trustodl”
2. Descriptiye and pirect:
3
jjjith negative Feelings:
4. With positive feelings:
D.
” I am not sure I can trust you”
’’You’re cheatingl” (Anger)
’’Let’s both play the blue card”(Trust)
BEHAVIOUR:
It may be reactive (against) or proactive (for);
accepting; defensive or open.
1 • Reactive :
rejecting or
We’ll play the red cardl”
2* Proact ive: ’’Let’s play the blue card.”
So Rejecting:
”No negotiations with theml”
4. Accept ing:
’’Let’s give them a chance to prove themselves.”
5. Defensive:
”Be carefulI
6. Opens
They are out to trick usl”
’’Whatever happens. we’ll stand by our word.”
TlJO POSSI BLE APPROACHES tn resolve a conflict;
A.
From the level of Assumptions and Intentions:
ASSUMPTIONS
«l£co_rat_e
Jblerr*-solving
,..h.._
p!
f
t
t
Inaccurate
Hr1 3 ■ n ■»
*
-2-
— To move from Conflict situation to a Problem-solving one,
correct the assumptions and intentions of both sides, (see Page 3)
B- From the level of Communications and Behaviours
I
I
1
Rejecting
Defensive
Open
(Negative Feelings:
"/Against”)
Reactive
_To move from Conflict situation,
case would be the right one.
I
/Accepting
(Positive Feelingss
Proact ive
,fFor”)
a move to the right in this
4
RARENT-zfl DO LES CENT CONFLICT
Sit uation;
/An over-protective mother and'a rebellious teenager.
Mother:
’Mil I want is that
Son:
"I wish she’d stop talking about my happiness.
It’s she
who makes my life miserable.
E
Her whining and worrying
and ragging are driving me crazy’."
my son should be happy and secure."
Assumpt ions
1
Inaccurates
Plot her:
"He needs me to look after him.”
Son:
"She’s out to embarrass me 9-nd make my life miserable."
2. /A co urat e:
Hot her:
Son?
"He doesn’t like my babying him.”
"She’s concerned about me.”
I nt c-ntions:
1. Exploitive:
Mother?
Son?
"He’ll do
as I think best and like it’”
"I’m going to see that she keeps out of my hair!”
2. Genuine:
Mother:
Son?
"I really want my son to grow up happy."
"I want to Prove to her that she need not
worry about me”.
4
*
^SSUPTPTIONS
.!
t
t
I
t
jjccLirat e
!
!
f
1
f
I
t
Mother: ”He doesn’t
like my babying him,
so i have to find out
how i can best help
him to be happy and
mat ure”.
' ■'on o’.f! r
»
f
I
f
»
!
t
t
t
Son: ’’She’s worried
about me, so I have
to show her 9 that she
need not be^ that I
can stand on my own
fset”.
!
T
f
f
f
»
i
PPP BL EPT-SOLVING
Inaccurate
Noth er: ”He’s not old
enough to look after
himself, so I’ve got
to do what is best to
help him grow up happy”.
Son: ” Until i can pro ve
to her that I don’t
need her to wipe my
nose; she’s going to
drive me crazy.
So
I’ d bett er show her
that I am old enough
to take care of myself.”
HELPING ^PPRO.aCH
t
-----Hot hers ”He may not
J ike it, but he’ 11 do
as I say as long as
ho’s my son.”
Cmicit ive
t
f
!
f
♦
Son: ’’Lot her worry
ujorryl’.
11 11 pay her off
against my father.
UJhat she doesn’t know
won’t hurt her’.”
mrjTPULaTiQN
I
!
t
f
»
f
«
f
f
f
t
i
t
i
r
t
i
r
»
t
!
r
f
t
!
Not her: ”He is not old
enough to look after
himself, so I intend to
tell him how to behave,
whether he likes it or
not I (After all. Not her
knows best’.”
Son: ”as long as she
keeps nagging me and
embarrassing me in front
of my friends, I’m going
to stay as far away from
her as possible, and do
whatever I pleasel”
CONFLICT
■4
n zhi.
HANDLING CONFLICT
1. The ELEMENTS of conflict , as examplified from ’.’The Prisoners’
Dilemma”:
fls /ASSUMPTIONS:
They may be accurate or inaccurate.
1* Accurat e:
’’The object of this game is to make as much money
as possible, without hurting or helping the other”.
2
9:
Inaccurat e:
’’The object of this game is to beat the others”.
INTENTIONS:
They may be genuine or exploitive.
1 • Gen uine:
2.
”We must earn money”
Exploitive:
”We must win”.
C. COMMUNICATION:
It may be evaluative (judgemental, accusatory) or merely descrip
tive (direct, non-accusatory); and it may include positive or
negative feelings.
1•
Evaluative and judgemental:
2• Descriptive and Direct:
‘
D.
3.
’’You crooks can’t be trusted!”
” I am not sure I can trust you”
idith negative Feelings:
’’Yoti’ re cheating!” (/Anger)
With positive feelings:
’’Let’s both play the blue card”(Trust)
BEHAVIOUR:
It may be reactive (against)
or proactive (for);
accepting; defensive or open.
■ 1 • Reactive •
rejecting or
We’ll play the red card!”
2. Pro act ive* ’’Let’s play the blue card.”
3
Rejecting:
”No negotiations with them!”
4. Accept ing;
’’Let’s give them a chance to prove themselves.”
5. Defensive:
”Be careful!
6. Open;
They are out to trick usl”
’’Whatever happens. we’ll stand by our word.”-
TWO POSSIBLE /APPROACHES to resolve a conflict^
A.
From the level of Assumptions and Intentions:
/ASSUMPTIONS
Ac.curat e
pf
JJLlEPu£nt e
I
-2-
— To move from Conflict situation to a Problem-Solving one,
correct the assumptions and intentions of both sides, (see Page 3)
B. From the level of Communications and Behaviour?
___ L__
___ I___
Reactive
Rejecting
Defensi vp
(Negative Feelings?
’’Against”)
1
__ 1u_
Open
Accepting
Proact i ve
(Positive Feelings? ”For*1)
_To move from Conflict situation,
case would be the right one.
a move to the right in this
PH RENT-ADOLESCENT CONFLICT
Sit uation:
An over-protective mother and a rebellious teenager.
Mothers
’Mil I want is that
Son?
"I wish she’d stop talking about my happiness.
It ’ s she
who makes my life miserable.
Her whining and worrying
and ragging are driving me crazy’.”
my. son should be happy and secure.”
Assumption?
1•
Inaccurat eg
Hot her:
”He needs me to look after him.”
Son:
’’She’s out to embarrass
me ^nd make my life miserable.”
2. Accurate:
Mother:
Son:
”He doesn’t like my babying him.”
”She’s concerned about me.”
Intentions:
1o
Exploitive:
Mother:
Son:
2.
’’He’ll do as I think best and like it!”
”I’m going to see that she keeps out of my hair!”
Genuine;
Mother:
Son:
”1 really want my son to grow up happy.”
”1 want to prove to her that she need not worry about me”.
4
/ASSUMPTIONS
.!
t
t
I
»
/-3 c curat e
t
f
!
t
f
I
t
Mother: ”He doesn’t
like my babying him,
so I nave to find out
hot-.' I can best help
him to oe happy and
mat ur e’’
»
1
»
»
»
f
!
f
!
t
Son: ’’she’s worried
about me, so I have
to show her, that she
need not be; that I
can stand on my own
feet”•
T
t
t
T
r
t
i
t
t
t
T
1
f
PRO BL Err-SOLVING
Son: ’’Until i can prove
to her that I don’t
need her to wipe my
nose; she’s going to
drive me crazy.
So
I’d better show her
that I am old enough
to take care of myself.”
HELPING /APPROACH
f
t
f
Mother: ”He may not
like it, but he’ll do
as I say as long as
ho’s my son.”
Son:
Mother: ”He’s not old
enough to look after
himself, so I’ve got
to do what is best to
help him grow up happy”.
!
INTENTIONS----------
L'lplcit i ve
Inaccurate
t
f
»
’’Let her worry I
r
r» 11 pay her off
against my fat hero
What she doesn’t know
won’t hurt her’.”
f
t
t
e
t
»
IWIPLILATION
i
i
»
f
f
t
t
i
T
I
»
!
!
t
Mother: ”He is not old
enough to look after
himself, so I intend to
tell him how to behave,
whether he likes it or
not I after all,9 Mother
knows best I”
Son: ”as long as she
keeps nagging me and
embarrassing me in front
of my friends, I’m going
to stay as far away from
her as possible, and do
whatever I pleasel”
CONFLICT
n 4-^4
handling conflict
1. The ELEMENTS of conflict, as examplified from ’’The Prisoners’
Di lemma
^2 /ASSUMPTIONS:
They may be accurate or inaccurate.
1. Accurate:
’’The objept of this game is to make as much money
as possible, without hurtihg or helping the other”.
2. Inaccurat e;
Bs
’’The object of this game is to beat the others”.
INTENTIONS:
They may be genuine or exploitive.
1. Genuine:
2.
”We must earn money”
Exploitive: ”Ue must win”.
C. COMMUNICATIONS
It
ic may
may be
oe evaluative
evaluative (judgemental,
(judgemental, accupratory)
accupratory) or merely descrip
tive (direct, nun-accusatory); and it may include positive or
negative feelings.
.Evaluative and judgemental?
be trusted!”
2• Descriptive and pirect:
” I am not sure I can trust you”
3
You’re cheating!” (/Anger)
idith negative Feelings;
.With positive feelings;
D.
’’You crooks canTt
’’Let’ s both play the blue card”(Trust)
BEHAVIOUR:
It may be reactive (against) or proactive (for);
accepting; defensive or open.
1 • Reactive :
rejecting or
!! We’ll play the red card!”
2* Proact ive: !! Let’s play the blue card.”
2. Rejecting;
”No negotiations with them!”
4. Accept ing;
’’Let’s give them a chance to prove themselves-”
5. Defensive:
”Be careful!
6. ^Open:
”What ever happ ens,
They are out to trick us!”
we’ll stand by our word.”
TWO POSSI 0LE APPROACHES to resolve a conflict;
A-
From the level of Assumptions and Intentions:
ASSUMPTIONS
p!
Ac curat e
Th 1. .
V-in.T
f
1
Inaccurat e
,_i
• .i
5
-2-
— To move from Conflict situation to a Problem-Solving one,
correct the assumptions and intentions
of both sides, (see Page 3)
From the level of Communications and Sehauiours
B.
L
I
Reactive
Rejecting
Defensive
(Negative Feelings.
’M gainst”)
_TP m°ve from Conflict situation,
case would be the right one.
Open
J
I
accepting
Proact i ve
(Positive Feelings? "For”)
a move to the right in this
P/A R EZNT-/A DO L ES C ENT CONFLICT
Sit uation;
^n over-protective mother and a rebellious teenager.
Nether:
’MH I want is that my son should be happy and secure.”
Son:
I wish she’d stop talking about my
It’s she
my happiness.
happiness.
who makes my life miserable.
Her whining and worrying
and ragging are driving me crazy’.”
'Assumption:
1
Inaccurat e?
Not her:
”He needs me to look after him.”
Son:
”She’s out to embarrass me <*nd make my life miserable.”
2. Accurate:
Not her:
Son?
”He doesn’t like my babying him.”
’’She’s concerned about me.”
Int entions:
1o
Exploitive;
Not hers
Sons
”Hef11 do as I think best and like itJ”
”Irm going to see that she keeps out of my hairl”
2. Genuine:
Not her:
Son?
”1 really want my son to grow up happy.”
”1 want to prove to her that she need not worry about me”
ASSUMPTIONS
T
t
I
!
!
!
^ccurat e
Mother: ”He doesn’t
like my babying him,
so I nave co rind out
how I can best help
him to be happy and
mat ure”.
' i on
u
Inaccurate
f
t
f
Mother: ”He’s not old
enough to look after
himself, so I’ve got
to do what is best to
help him grow up happy”.
»
!
!
1
1
t
!
!
!
1
T
Son? ” She’s worried
aoout me. so I have
to show her, that she
need not be; that I
run stand on my own
feet”*
t
t
I
t
PHO EL E^r- SOLVING
Son: ’’Until I can prove
to her that I don’t
need her to wipe my
nose; she’s going to
drive me crazy.
So
I’d better show tier
that I am old enough
to take care of myself.”
HELPING rAPPRO^CH
t
T ?jTENTi ON?-----
t
t
”He may not
like it, but he’ 11 do
as I say as long as
li-’s my son®”
Mot her?
r :<pXci t -ive
t
T
Sun? ’’Lot her worry I
1: 11 pay her off
against my father*
What she doesn’t know
won’t hurt her’.”
f
!
!
!
f
!
IWHPULATION
t
t
f
!
f
f
»
!
f
!
!
(
Mother: ”He is not old
enough to look after
himself, so I intend to
tell him how to behave,
whether he likes it or
not I
After all, Mother
knows bestl”
Son: ”As long as she
keeps nagging me and
embarrassing me in front
of my friends, I’m going
to stay as far away from
her as possible, and do
whatever I please’.”
CONFLICT
n 6
HANDLING CONFLICT
1.
The ELEMENTS of conflict, as examplified from ’’The Prisoners’
Dilemma”:
/ASSUMPTIONS:
They may be accurate or inaccurate.
1« /Accurate:
’’The object of this game is to make as much money
as possible, without hurting or helping the other”.
2. Inaccurateg
’’The object of this game is to beat the others*1.
I INTENTIONS:
B:
They may be genuine or exploitive.
1- Genuine:
2.
”We must earn money"
Exploitive:
”We must win".
C. COMMUNI CATION:
It may be evaluative (judgemental, accus-atery) or merely descrip
tive (direct, non-accusatory); and it may include positive or
negative feelings.
T-'
•
■
•
"You crooks canft be trustedl"
2. Descriptive and Direct:
” I am not sure I can trust you”
3
”Yo u’ re cheat ingl ” (/Anger)
iijith negative Feelings:
4. tjith positive feelings:
D.
■
Evaluative and judgemental:
"Let’s both play the blue Card”(Trust)
BEHAVIOUR:
It may be reactive (against) or proactive (for); rejecting
or
accepting; defensive or;open.
1. Reactive :
n We’ll play the red card’.”
2. Proact ive: "Let’s play the blue card."
3. Rejecting:
”No negotiations with theml”
4. Accept ing;
’’Let’s give them a chance to prove themselves.”
5. Defensive:
"Be carefull
They are out to trick usl”
60 0P£Os ’’Whatever happens. we’11 stand by our word.”
TWO POSSI BLE APPROACHES to resolve a conflict^
A.
From the level of Assumptions and Intentions:
/ASSUMPTIONS
(Accurat e
a ij. n <
P.r 3blem-solving
D .h .bi ■ ur
p!
Inaccurat e
t
t
H.-liOino
f
t
, ilio-r
t
r-
-2-
— To move from Conflict situation to a Problem-solving one,
correct the assumptions and intentions of both sides, (see Page 3)
B. From the level of Communications and Behaviour:
I
I
_L_
Rejecting
Defensive
Open
(Negative Feelings:
’Mgainst”)
Reactive
Accepting
Proact ive
(Positive Feelings: "For")
____ T° move from Conflict situation, a move to the right in this
case would be the right one.
PARENT-ADOLESCENT CONFLICT
Sit uation:
An over-protective mother and a rebellious teenager.
Mother:
"All I want is that
Son:
”1 wish she’d stop talking about my happiness.
It’s she
who makes my life miserable.
Her whining and worrying
and ragging are driving me crazy*."
my son should be happy and secure."
Assumpt ion?
1•
Inaccurat e:
Mot her:
"He needs me to look after him."
Son:
nShe!s out to embarrass
me <*nd make my life miserable."
2. Accurate:
Mot her:
Son:
"He doesn’t
like my babying him."
"She’s concerned about me."
Int entions:
1»
Exploitive:
Mother:
Son:
’’He’ll do
as I think best and like itJ"
”1’m going to see that she keeps out
of my hairl"
2. Genuine:
Mot her:
Son:
"I really want my son to grow up happy."
"I want to prove to her that she need not
worry about me".
ASSUMPTIONS
.1
r
t
i
»
!
Q
f
t
t
f
f
t
t
Mothers ”He doesn’t
like my babying him,
so I have to find out
how i can best help
ha in to be happy and
mat une”.
Jenu - ne
!
I
t
!
t
t
t
!
Son: ’’She’s worried
about me, so I have
to show her, that she
n^-ed not be; that I
can stand on my own
f et t”.
T
I
f
f
»
»
f
PPOBLErnr-SOLVII\IG
t
t
f
Mothers ”He’s not old
enough to look after
himself, so I1 ve got
to do whpt is best to
help him grow up happy”.
Suns n Until I can pro ve
to her that I don’t
need her to wipe my
nose; she’s going to
drive me crazy.
So
I’d better show ner
that I am old enough
to take care of myself.”
HELPING APPROACH
t
lAiTE.XTTONS--------
»
!
IT± her? ”He may not
ilk u it, but he’ll do
as IK say as long as
i 1 g r o my son.”
L'-'Xl'- -t iva
Inaccurate
t
f
t
»
!
!
Son: ’’Let her ujorryl
1 ■' 11 pay her off
against my father^
What she doesn’t know
won’t hurt her’.”
!
t
!
!
t
t
!
f
f
f
I
t
FWIPULATION
f
!
f
f
t
Mothers ”He is not old
enough to look after
himself, so I intend to
tell him how to behave,
whether he likes it or
not’
After all.9 Mother
knows best’.”
Son: ”as long as she
keeps nagging me and
embarrassing me in front
of my friends, I’m going
to stay as far away from
her as possible, and do
whatever I please.”
CONFLICT
t
I
I
«
HANDLING CONFLICT-
1. The ELEMENTS of conflict, as examplified from ’’The Prisoners’
Dilemma”:
/ASSUMPTIONS:
They may be accurate or inaccurate.
Accurat e:
’’The object of this game is to make as much money
as possible, without hurting or helping the other”.
2. Inaccurate:
02
’’The object of this game is to beat the others”..
INTENTIONS:
They may be genuine.or exploitive<• Genuine:
2.
”We must earn money”
Exploitive:
”We must win”.
C. COMMUNICATION:
It may be evaluative (judgemental, accusratory) or merely descrip
tive (direct, non-accusatory); and it may include positive or
negative feelings.
1.
D.
Evaluative and judgemental?
’’You crooks can't be trustedl”
2. Descriptive and pirect:
” I am not sure I can trust you”
3. With negative Feelings:
’’You’re cheatingl” (Anger)
4. hjith positive feelings?
” Let ’ s both plqy the blue card” (Trust)
BEHAVIOUR:
It may be reactive (against) or proactive (for)?
accepting; defensive or open.
1* React ive ;
rejecting
or
’’We’ll play the red card!”
2. Proact ive: ’’Let’s play the blue card.”
3o Rejecting:
”No negotiations with theml”
4. Accept ing;
”Let’s give them a chance to prove themselves-”
5. Defensive:
”Be carefull
6. OPjffi
"Whatever happens,
They are out to trick usl”
we’ll stand by our word.”
TWO POSSI BLE APPROACHES to resolve a conflict;
A«
From the level of Assumptions and Intentions:
ASSUMPTIONS
Accurat e
T
n 1 -jrr—s living
Inaccurat e
1 nj n n
Hi. . | :
t
-2j.
— To move from Conflict situation to a Problem-solving one,
correct the assumptions and intentions
of both sides, (see Page 3)
From the level of Communications and Behaviour?
B.
I
Reactive
Rejecting
I
I
i
Defensi ve
Open
Accepting
(Negative Feelings? ’M gainst”)
Proact ive
(Positive Feelings? ’’For”)
___ T°
from Conflict situation,
a move to the right in this.
case would be the right one.
P4RENT-flDOLESCENT CONFLICT
Sit uat ion:
■ J .1 c. i ■
■
’
•
An over-protective mother and a rebellious teenager.
Mother:
’Mil I. want is that
Son?
”.I wish-she’d. stop talking u
about my happiness.
It’s she
who makes my life miserable,
Her whining and worrying
and ragging are driving me crazy’.”
my son should be happy and secure.”
Assumption?
1»
Inaccurat e?
Mother:
”He needs me to look after him.”
Son?
’’She’s out to embarrass
me $-nd make my life miserable.”
2. Accurat e:
Mot her:
Son?
”He doesn’t like my babying him.”
’’She’s concerned about me. ”
Int entions?
1. Exploitive:
Moth'er?
Son:
”He’11 do as
I think best and like iti”
I’m going to see that she keeps out of
my hairl”
2. Genuine:
Mother:
”1 really want my son to grow up happy.”
Son? .,”i want to prove to her that
she need not worry about me”.
1
ASSUMPTIONS
,t
i
t
I
»
»
f
!
Accurat
t
f
f
t
Mother: ”He doesn’t
like my babying him,
so I have to find out
how I can best help
him to be happy and
mat ure”.
j (_■' ri e
♦
I
!
1
t
XQaccurate
Mother; ”He’s not old
enough to look after
himself, so I’ve got
to do what is best to
help him grow up happy”.
!
t
I
t
t
T
Sons ’’She’s worried
a'jo ire me, so I have
to show her, that she
need not be; that I
can stand on my own
f eot ”.
!
I
t
t
t
!
PRO SLETP-SOLVING
Son; ’’Until i can prove
to her that I don’t
need her to wipe my
nose; she’s going to
drive me crazy.
So
I’d better show ner
that I am old enough
to take care of myself.”
HELPING APPROACH
I
t
SCHONS-------
I
t
Mot her* ”He may not
like it, but he’ 11 do
as I say as long as
he’s my son.”
f:<p lei Live
f
f
»
Son; ’’Let her worry!
1 ‘ 11 pay her off
against my father.
L’hat she doesn’t know
won’t hurt her!”
rW.:"PULATlO!\!
i
!
t
!
!
!
I
I
f
f
f
f
!
»
»
f
t
f
f
t
t
Mother: ”He is not old
enough to look after
himself, so I intend to
tell him how to behave,
whether he likes it or
not I After all,? Mother
knows best!”
Son: ”as long as she
keeps nagging me and
embarrassing me in front
of my friends, I’m going
to stay as far away from
her as possible, and do
whatever I please’.”
CONFLICT
H
handling conflict
1. The ELEMENTS of conflict, as examplified from ’’The Prisoners’
Dilemma”:
^SSUHPTIONSs
They may be accurate or inaccurate.
1. accurat e:
’’’*“
*
'
The
object
of this game is to make as much money
as possible, without hurting or helping the other”.
2. Inaccurate:
B«
’’The object of this game is to beat the others”.
INTENTIONS:
They may be genuine or exploitive.
1. Genuine:
2*
”We must earn money”
Exploitive:
’’We must win”.
c. com UNI CATION:
It may be evaluative (judgemental, accusatory) or
or merely descriptive (direct, non-accusatory); and it may include positive or
negative feelings.
•
B/aluative and judgemental:
2• Descriptive and Direct:
h
3° Nith negative Feelings:
”You* re cheatingl” (^nger) .
With positive feelings:
D.
’’You crooks canTt be trustedl”
I am not sure I can trust you”
’’Let’s both play the blue card”(Trust)
BEHAVIOUR:
It may be reactive (against) or proactive (for);
accepting; defensive or open.
rejecting
or
1 • Reactive :
I!
We’ll play the red cardl”
2* Pro act i ve:
ti
Let’s play the blue card.”
3. Rejecting:
”No negotiations with theml”
4. Accept ing;
’’Let’s give them a chance to prove themselves.”
5. Defensive:
”Be carefull
OP^ns '’’Whatever happens,
They are out to trick usl”
we’ll stand by our word.”
TWO POSSI BLE ^PPRO/ACHES to resolve a conflict;
/A.
From the level of /Assumptions and Intentions:
'ASSUP1PT10 NS
a ecu rat e
n- 'b-1
^-solving
!
f
1
IRaceurat e
H...1
?-
-2-
— To move from Conflict situation to a F
’
L.
Problem-solving
one,
correct the assumptions and intentions of both sides. (
'see Page 3)
0. From the level of Communications
I
and Behaviour?
I
1
J
Rejecting
Defensi ve
Open
/Accepting
(Negative Feelings:
"Against")
Reactive
Proact i ve
(Positive Feelings? ’’For”)
___T°
from' Conflict situation,
a move to the right in this
case would be the right one.
rarent-adolescent conflict
Sit uation;
An over-protective mother and a
rebellious teenager.
Hot hers
’MH I want is that
Son:
"I wish she'd stop talking about my happiness.
It's she
my happiness.
who makes my life miserable,
—
Her whining and worrying
and ragging are driving me crazy1."
my son should be happy and secure."
Assumption:
1.
Inaccurates
Mother:
uHe needs me to look after him."
Son:
"She's out to embarrass
me ^nd make my life miserable."
2. Accurat e;
Mot her:
Son?
"He doesn’t like my babying him."
"She's concerned about me."
Intentions;
1»
Exploitive:
Mother;
Son?
"He'll do as I think best’ and like itl"
"I'm going to see that she keeps out of
my hair!"
2. Genuine:
Mother:
Son;
"I really want my son to grow up happy."
"I want to prove to her that she
need not worry about me".
ASSUMPTIONS
.!
f
t
f
t
!
4ecurate
f
f
t
f
t
t
Mother: ”He doesn’t
like my babying him,
so I have to fine ouc
how I can best help
I:im to be happy and
mat ure".
! :enu',re
!
I
t
t
t
♦
f
f
t
♦
feet"•
t
PRO BL El*)-SOLVING
t
"He may not
t
t
like it, but her 11 do
!
as I s&y as long as
her s my son."
Sons "Let her worryl
IT11 pay her off
against my father0
What she doesn’t know
won’t hurt her’."
Sons "Until I can prove
to her that I don’t
need her to wipe my
nose; she’s going to
drive me crazy.
So
I’d batter show ner
that I am old enough
to take care of myself.n1
HELPING APPROACH
!
f
»
!
INTENHONS--------
•lA'ilcs-t ive
Mothers "He’s not old
enough to look after
himself, so p ve got
to do what is best to
help him grow up happy”.
!
t
t
I
1
1
Son: ” She’s worried
about me, so I have
to show her, that she
need not be; that I
cun stand on my own
Mol; her?
Inaccurate
t
I
♦
1
i
i
i
<
t
t
t
i
t
t
f
Mother: "He is not old
enough to look after
himself, so I intend to
tell him how to behave,
whether he likes it or
not I
After all,9 Mother
knows best I"
»
Son: "As long as she
keeps nagging me and
embarrassing me in front
of my friends, I’m going
to stay as far away from
her as possible, and do
whatever I please’."
T
CONFLICT
IW\II PULATI ON
i
!
t
f
f
I
TA 4
HANDLING CONFLICT
1. The ELEMENTS of conflict, as examplified from ’’The Prisoners’
Dilemma”:
ASSUMPTIONS:
They may be accurate or inaccurate.
1. Accurat e:
’’The object of this game is to make as much money
as possible without hurting or helping the other”.
2. Inaccurate?
3:
’’The object of this game is to beat the others”.
I INTENTIONS:
They may be genuine or exploitive.
1. Genuine:
2-
”IJe must earn money”
Exploitive:
”|Je must win”.
C. COMMUNICATION:
It may
may be
oe evaluative
evaluative (judgemental,
(judgemental, accusatory)
accusratory) or merely descrip
tive (direct, non-accusatory) ; and it may include positive or
negative feelings.
1•
Evaluative and judgemental:
2. Descriptive and Direct:
”
3o Idith negative Feelings:
’’You’re cheating!” (Anger)
Ulith positive feelings:
D.
’’You crooks canrt be trusted!”
I am not sure I can trust you”
’’Let’s both play the blue card”(Trust)
BEHAVIOUR:
It may be reactive (against) or proactive (for);
accepting; defensive or open.
rejecting or
1 • R ea ct i y e :
”lje’11 play the red card!”
2. Pro act ive:
’’Let’s play the blue card.”
3. Rejecting:
”No negotiations with them!”
4. Accept ing:
"Let’s give them a chance to prove themselves.”
5. Defensive:
”Be careful!
- 6° Open:
’’Whatever happens,
They are out to trick us!”
we’ll stand by our word.”
TUO POSSI BLE APPROACHES to resolve a conflict;
A*
From the level of Assumptions and Intentions:
ASSUMPTIONS
pT
Accurate
Til i/-’ n.l
!
_In aocurat e
Holo ’ n >
-2-
— To move from Conflict situation to a Problem-solving one,
correct the assumptions and intentions of both sides, (see Page 3)
B. From the level of Communications and- Behaviours
L
I
I
Rejecting
Defensive
Open
(Negative Feelings:
'M gainst”)
Reactive
_T° move from Conflict situation,
case would be the right one.
i
/Accepting
Proact i ve
(Positive Feelings: ’’For”)
a move to the right in this
RARENT-^DOLESCENT CONFLICT
Sit uat ion:
/An over-protective mother and a rebellious teenager.
mother: ’MH I want is that my son should be happy and
secure.”
Sons
"II wish she’d stop talking about my happiness.
my happiness.
who makes. my
life miserable.
p
- --------------*
Her whining
and worrying
and ragging are driving me crazy’.”
It’s she
rAssumpt ion:
1•
Inaccurat e:
Hot her:
"He needs me to look after him.”
Son:
"She’s out to embarrass
me ^nd make my life miserable.”
2. /Accurate;
mother:
Son:
’’•He. doesn’t like my babying him.”
"She’s concerned about me.”
Intentions;
1 • Exploitive:
mother:
Son:
2.
"He’ll do
as I think best and like it’”
”1’ m going to see that she keeps out of my hair’.”
Genuine;
mother:
Son:
"I really want my son to grow up happy.”
"I want to prove to her that she need not
worry about me”.
ASSUMPTIONS
.»
t
i
t
t
r
/Accurate
Inaccurate
t
!
f
»
Mothers ”He doesn’t
like my babying him,
so i have to find out
how I can best help
him to be happy and
mat ure"b
.Jen li.-. fi a
t
T
I
f
!
!
t
t
!
!
!
t
t
T
Son: ” She!s worried
a bo ut me, so I have
to show her, that she
need not be; that I
can stand on my own
feet”.
f
f
t
r
t
t
t
PROBLEM-SOLVING
Mother: "He’s not old
enough to look after
himself, so I’ve got
to do what is best to
help him grow up happy”.
Son: "until j can prove
to her that I don’t
need her to wipe my
nose; she’s going to
drive me crazy.
So
I’d batter show her
that I am old enough
to take care of myself."
HELPING APPROACH
t
I ''TENTIONS'-----------
t
t
t
Mot her: "He may not
like it, but he! 11 do
as I say as long as
he’s my son.”
t
t
i
f NffJlcic.ive
Son: ’’Let her worry’.
I’11 pay her off
against my father.
What she doesn’t know
won’t hurt herI”
manipulation
f
t
!
t
I
t
f
»
f
f
f
f
f
f
f
t
f
I
!
t
!
Mother: ”He is not old
enough to look after
himself, so I intend to
tell him how to behave,
whether he likes it or
not I After all. Mother
knows best’.”
Son: **As long as she
keeps nagging me and
embarrassing me in front
of my friends, I’m going
to stay as far away from
her as possible, and do
whatever I pleasel”
CONFLICT
HANDLING CONFLICT
1. The ELEMENTS of conflict, as examplifisd from ’’The Prisoners’
Dilemma”;
/A: /ASSUMPTIONS:
They may be accurate or inaccurate.
1. Accurat es
‘ ’ of- this game is to make as much money
’’The object
as possible, without hurting or helping the other”.
2. Inaccurate;
B:
’’The object of this game is to beat the others”.
INTENTIONS:
They may be genuine or exploitive.
1. Genuine;
2*
”We must earn money”
Exploitive; ”lje must win”.
C. COMMUNICATION:
It may be evaluative (judgemental, accusratory) or merely descrip
tive • (direct, hon-accusatory); and it may include positive or
n e gat i'-Vfe feelings.
•
D.
Evaluative and judgemental:
’’You crooks canrt be trustcdl”
2. —
Descriptive and Direct:
——
-
” I am not sure I can trust you”
3
With negative Feelings:
’’You’re cheatingl” (/Anger)
With positive feelings;
’’Let’s both play the blue Card”(Trust)
BEHAVIOUR:
It may be reactive (against) or proactive (for);
accepting; defensive or open.
1 • Reactive :
rejecting
or
’’We'll play the red cardl”
2. Prbact ive; ’’Let’s play the blue card.”
3. Rejecting:
”No negotiations with theml”
4. Accept ing;
‘lLet’s give them a chance to prove themselves.”
5. Defensive:
”Be carefull
6. Open:
They are out to trick usl”
’’What ever happ ens, we’ll stand by our word.”
TWO POSSI BLE APPROACHES to resolve a conflict;
From the level of Assumptions and Intentions:
/ASSUMPTIONS
Accurat e
^7 3b.l •
sol vino
T
f
T
!
Inaccurate
•
n ’
-2-
— To move from Conflict situation to a Problem-solving one,
correct the assumptions and intentions
of both sides, (see Page 3)
B.
From the level of Communications and Behaviour?
1
Reactive
Rej ecting
Defensive
(Negative Feelings?
’’Against”)
Open
/Accepting
(Positive Feelings?
_T° mQve from Conflict situation,
case would be the right one.
Proact ive
’’For”)
a mpve to the right in this
parent-adolescent conflict
Sit uat ion:
An over-protective mother
and a. rebellious teenager.
Mother:
'Mil I want is that
Son?
I wish she’d stop talking about my happiness.
It’s she
my happiness.
who makes my life miserable.
Her whining and worrying
and ragging are driving me crazy’.”
my son should ..be happy and secure.”
Assumption?
1
Inaccurate?
Mother:
”He needs me to look after him.”
Son:
She’s out to embarrass
me ?nd make my life miserable.”
2. Accurate;
Mother:
Son?
”He doesn’t like my babying him.”
”Shers concerned about me.”
Intentions;
1 «■
Exploitive:
Mother?
Son?
’’He’ll do
as I think best and like it I”
”Ir m going to see that she keeps out of my hairl”
2. Genuine:
Mother:
Son?
I really uant my son to grow up happy.”
”1 want to prove to her that she
need not worry about me”.
ASSUMPTIONS
.t
r
!
t
t
»
t
!
ftccurate
f
f
I
t
t
Mathers ”He doesn’t
like my babying him,
so I have to find out
how I can best help
him to be happy and
mat ur e”.
u'en u'.ne
1
t
!
!
t
!
Son: ”She*s worried
a-.'uut me, so I have
vo show her, that she
need not be; that I
can stand on my own
feet”.
T
t
1
f
r
r
t
!
!
PRO BLEKkSOLVING
T
Son: ’’until I can prove
to her that I donft
need her to wipe my
nose; she’s going to
drive me crazy.
So
I’d better show ner
that I am old enough
to take care of myself.”
HELPING /APPROACH
!
!
p1nt here
”He may not
like it, but he’ 11 do
as I say as long as
heTs my son.”
Sens ’’Let her worry’.
I’ll pay her off
against my father.
Jhat she doesn’t know
won’t hurt her’.”
Mother: ”He’s not old
enough to look after
hirnself, so I’ve got
to do what is best to
help him grow up happy”.
f
f
INTENTIONS---------
Lclr ivc
Inaccurate
t
!
f
t
I
!
I
Mother: ”He is not old
enough to look after
himself, so I intend to
tell him how to behave,
whether he likes it or
not I After all, Mother
knows best’.”
f
!
f
I
!
f
!
IWI PULVTi ON
i
r
T
»
»
Son: ”as long as she
keeps nagging me and
embarrassing me in front
of my friends, I’m going
to stay as far away from
her as possible, and do
whatever I please’.”
t
t
t
I
»
!
t
CONFLICT
1
H 4
HANDLING CONFLICT
1.
The ELEMENTS of conflict, as examplified from "The Prisoners'
Dilemma":
^2 /ASSUMPTIONS:
They may be accurate or inaccurate.
; 1 • 'Accurat e:
‘
• ’’The
object• of- this
game is to make as much money
a§'possible, without hurting or helping the other".
2. Inaccurate;
B:
nThe object of this game is to beat the others0.
INTENTIONS:
They may be genuine or exploitive.
1. Genuine;
2.
"IJe must earn money"
Exploitive:
’hje must win".
C. COMMUNICATION:
It may be evaluative (judgemental, accusatory) or merely descrip
tive (direct, non-accusatory); and it may include positive or
- negative feelings.
1•
D.
Evaluative and judgemental:
"You crooks can't be trustedl"
2. Descriptive and Direct:
" I am not sure I can trust you"
3
Idith negative Feelings:
"You're cheatingl" (/Anger)
UJith positive feelings:
!! Let's both play the blue card”(Trust)
BEHAVIOUR:
It may be reactive (against) or proactive (for);
accepting; defensive or open.
1. Reactive :
rejecting or
"ide'll play, the red cardl"
2. Proact ive: "Let's play the blue card."
2
Rejecting:
°No negotiations with theml"
4. Accept ing;
"Let's give them a chance to prove themselves."
5. Defensive:
"Be carefull
6. Open:
They are out to trick usl"
"Whatever happens, we’ll stand by our word."
TUO POSSI BLE /APPROACHES to resolve a conflict;
/A.
From the level of /Assumptions and Intentions:
/ASSUMPTIONS
A ecu rat e
O'
-?p-n')l vino
p!
f
t
f
Inaccurat e
I
-2-
To move from Conflict situation to a Problem-Solving one,
correct the assumptions and intentions of both sides, (see Page 3)
I,
B. From the level of Communications and Behaviour:
___ i___
I
Rejecting
Defensive
Open
(Negative Feelings?
’’Against ”)
Reactive
i
Accepting
Proact i ve
(Positive Feelings? ’’For’1)
_T° move from Conflict situation,
case would be the right one.
a move to the right in this
RARENT-^DOLESCENT CONFLICT
Sit uation:
^n over-protective mother and a rebellious teenager.
mother:
”411 i want is that
Son:
I wish she’d stop talking about my happiness.
It’s she
who makes my life miserable.
Her whining and worrying
and ragging are driving me crazy’.”
my son should be happy and secure.”
Assumption:
1’
lHaccurat e:
Hot hers
”He needs me to look after him.”
Son:
”She’s out to embarrass
me ?nd make my life miserable.”
2. Accurate:
mother:
Son:
”He doesn’t like my babying him.”
”She’s concerned about me. ”
Intentions:
1»
Exploitive:
mother:
Son?
’’He'll do
as I think best and like it I”
”1’m going to see that she keeps out of my hair!”
2. Genuine:
mot her:
Son:
”1 really want my son to grow up happy.”
”1 want to prove to her that she need not
worry about me”.
t
ASSUMPTIONS
,t
t
t
i
t
!
/Accurst e
f
f
I
Mot her: ” He doesn’ t
like my babying him,
so I have to find out
how I can best help
him to be happy and
mat ure" •
f
I
t
»
I
t
!
!
»
I
»
Son: "She’s worried
a 'jo ut me, so I have
to show her, that she
need not be; that I
can stand on my own
feob”.
T
»
t
r
t
t
t
PPO BL El7}-SOLVING
!
Mother* ”He may not
like it, but he’ll do
as I say as long as
he’s my son.”
I
f
f
Son; ’’Let her worry’.
1711 pay her off
against my father.
What she doesn’t know
won’t hurt her’.”
Mother: "He’s not old
enough to look after
himself, so I’ve got
to do what is best to
help him grow up happy”.
Son:
Until I can prove
to her that I don’t
need her to wipe my
nose; she’s going to
drive me crazy.
So
I’d better show her
that I am old enough
to take care of myself. t,
HELPING APPROACH
t
I ?TFLTj ONS------------------------------------------
L^plclt i vc
Inaccurate
1
1
Mother: ”He is not old
enough to look after
himself, so I intend to
tell him how to behave,
whether he likes it or
not I After all,9 Mother
knows best I”
f
!
!
f
I
t
!
MANIPULATION
i
t
!
t
f
»
t
t
t
Son: "As long as she
keeps nagging me and
embarrassing me in front
of my friends, Ifm going
to stay as far away from
her as possible, and do
whatever I please’."
CONFLICT
HANDLING CONFLICT
1. The ELEMENTS of conflict, as examplified from ’’The Prisoners’
Dilemma”:
fl: flSSUHPTIO'NS:
They may be accurate or inaccurate.
1. Accurat e:
’’The object of this game is to make as much money
as possible, without hurting or helping the other”.
2. Inaccurate:
8:
’’The object of this game is to beat the others”.
INTENTIONS:
They may be genuine or exploitive.
1. Genuine;
2.
”We must earn money”
Exploitive: ”bje must win”.
C. COmUNI CATION:
It
judgemental> accupratory)
it. may
may be
ue evaluative
evaluative ((judgemental>
accusatory) or merely, descrip
tive (direct, non-accusatory); and it may include positive or
negative feelings.
•
Evaluative and Judgemental:
2. Descriptive and Direct;
” I am not sure I can trust you”
3o With negative Feelings:
’’You’re cheating!” (Anger)
UJith positive feelings:
D.
’’You crooks canTt be trusted!”
’’Let’ s both play the blue card”(Trust)
BEHAVIOUR:
It may be reactive (against) or proactive (for);
accepting; defensive or open.
1 • Reactive :
n
rejecting
or
We’ll play the red card!”
2. Pro act ive: !! Let’s play the blue card.”
3. Rejecting:
”No negotiations with theml”
4. Accept ing;
uLet’s give them a chance to prove themselves.”
5. Defensive:
”Be careful!
6. OP-gns
’’Whatever happens,
They are out to trick us!”
we’ll stand by our word.”
TWO POSSI BLE APPROACHES to resolve a conflict;
fl» From the level of Assumptions and Intentions:
ASSUMPTIONS
Accurate
?!
f
■m-oolvino
!
f
Inaccurat e
-2-
— To move from Conflict situation to a Problem-Solving one,
correct the assumptions- and intentions
of both sides, (see Page 3)
B.
From the level of Communications and Behaviour?
)
I
Rejecting
Defensi ve
Open
(Negative Feelings:
’’Against ”)
Reactive
I
accepting
Proact i ve
(Positive Feelings?. f’For”)
_T0
from Conflict situation,
case would be the right one.
a move to the right in this
^RENT-ADOLESCENT CONFLICT
Sit uation;
An over-protective mother and a rebellious teenager.
.
mt her:
",U1 I want is that
Sons
I wish she’d stop talking about my happiness.
It’s she
who makes my life miserable.
Her.whining and worrying
and ragging are driving me crazy’.”
my son should be happy and secure.”
As s umpt ion:
4
_In_accurat e?
Mot her:
”He needs me to look after him.”
Son:
’’She’s out to embarrass
me a-nd make my life miserable.”
2. Accurat e:
Mot her:
Son?
”He doesn’t like my-babying him.”
”Shefs concerned.about me.”
Int entions;
1•
Exploitive:
Mother;
Son?
2.
’He’ll do as I think best and like itl”
”1’m going to see that she keeps out of
my hairl”
Genuine;
Mother;
Son;
”1 really want my son to grow
”1 want to prove to her that
up happy.”
she need not worry about me”.
ASSUMPTIONS
.»
t
t
i
i
curat e
t
f
f
t
Mother: ”He doesn’t
like my babying him,
so I have to find out
how I can best help
h.im to be happy and
mat ure:?.
!
I
t
t
I
t
I
!
I
T
t
T
T
Son; ’’She’s worried
about me, so I have
to show her ? that she
need not be; that I
can stand on my own
fees”.
ijenui i e
»
!
f
r
t
i
t
t
!
PRO 'jLEP'KSOLVI NG
r
Mother: ”He’s not old
enough to look after
himself, so I’ve got
to do what is best to
help him grow up happy”.
Son: ’’until i can prove
to her that I don’t
need her to wipe my
nose; she’s going to
drive me crazy.
So
I* d better show net
that I am old enough
to take care of myself.”
HELPING APPROACH
t
INTENTION
!
Mot her; ”He may not
lilo it, bit he’ 11 do
as I say as long as
he’s my son.”
I
f
f
f
’' '''1 O ' t i v
Son: ’’Let her worry!
I’11 pay her off
against my father.
What she doesn’t know
won’t hurt her!”
iWIPULaTlON
Inaccurate
1
f
1
f
»
f
?
!
!
t
»
I
t
f
f
f
I
t
f
t
t
»
t
!
!
Mother: ”He is not old
enough to look after
himself, so I intend to
tell him how to behave,
whether he likes it or
not I After all, Mother
knows best’.”
Son: ”as long as she
keeps nagging me and
embarrassing me in front
of my friends, Irm going
to stay as far away from
her as possible, and do
whatever I please!”
CONFLICT
HANDLING CONFLICT
1.
-■
The ELEMENTS of conflict, as examplified from ’’The Prisoners1
Dilemma”:
^2 /ASSUMPTIONS:
They may be accurate or inaccurate.
1. Accurate:
’’The object of this game is to make as much money
as possible, without hurting or helping the other”.
2. Inaccurate:
8:
’’The object of this game is to beat the others”.
INTENTIONS:
They may be genuine or exploitive.
1. Genuine:
2’
”We must earn money”
Exploitive:
”Ue must win”.
C. COMMUNICATION:
It may be evaluative (judgemental, accucratory) or merely -descrip
tive (direct, non-accusatory); and it may include positive or
negative feelings.
1. Evaluative and Judgemental: ’’You crooks can’t be trustedl”
2. Descriptive and Direct;
” I am not sure I can trust you”
3<» With negative Feelings:
’’You’ re cheat ingl ” (/Anger)
With positive feelings:
D.
’’Let’s both play the blue card”(Trust)
BEHAVIOUR:
It may be reactive (against) or proactive (for);
accepting; defensive or open.
1 • Reactive :
n
rejecting
or
We’ll play the red card’.1’
2. Proact ive: ’’Let’s play the blue card.”
3. Rejecting:
”No negotiations with theml”
4. Accept ing;
,lLet’s give them a chance to prove themselves.”
5. Defensive:
”0e carefull
6° Open:
They are opt to trick usl”
’’Whatever happens, we’ll stand by our word.”
TWO POSSI 0LE APPROACHES to resolve a conflict;
-A* From the level of Assumptions and Intentions:
/ASSUMPTIONS
^ccurat e
n"obl ..-v-sol vino
n '
or
p
T
t
t
f
t
Inaccurat e
<■
-2-
— To move from Conflict situation to a Problem-solving one,
correct the assumptions and intentions of both sides, (see Page 3)
B. From the level of Communications and Behaviour?
I
I
Rejecting
Defensive
Open
(Negative Feelings?
"Against”)
Reactive
I
Accepting
Froact i ve
(Positive Feelings? ”ForH)
_T° move from Conflict situation,
case would be the right one.
a move to the right in this
parent-adolescent conflict
Sit uation;
An over-protective mother and a rebellious teenager.
nother:
”A11 I want; is that
Son?
H ~
•
my son should be happy and secure.”
1
I wish she’d stop talking about my
ft’s she
my happiness.
happiness.
who makes my life miserable,
•»
Her whining and worrying
and ragging are driving me crazy I ”
As sumpt ion?
1•
Inaccurate?
Plot her:
"He needs me to look ^.fter him.”
Son:
’She^s out to embarrass
me 9-nd make my life miserable.”
2. Accurat e:
• Flot her:
Son?
”He doesnTt like my babying him.”
"She’s concerned about me.”
Intentions?
1.
Exploitive:
not her?
Son?
"He’11 do as I think best and like it!”
"I’m going to see that she keeps out of
my hair!”
2. Genuine:
not her:
Son:
"I really want my son to grow
up happy.”
”I want to prove to her that she need not
worry about me”.
ASSUMPTIONS
T
t
!
I
t
^ccurate
f
t
t
f
t
t
Mother: ”He doesn’t
like my babying him,
so I have to find out
how I can best help
i:im to be happy and
mat uo e”.
!
t
I
Inaccurate
Mother: ”He’s not old
enough to look after
himself, so I’ve got
to do what is best to
help him grow up happy”.
t
!
!
r
Son: ’’She’s worried
about me. so I have
to show her, that she
need not be; that I
can stand on my own
feet”.
t
T
!
t
f
Pro OLErP-SOLVING
Sons ’’Until I can prove
to her that I don’t
need her to wipe my
nose; she’s going to
drive me crazy.
So
I’d better show ner
that I am old enough
to take care of myself. H
HELPING //APPROACH
t
I NT ran 0 NS----------f
Hot her: ”He may not
like it, but he’ 11 do
as I say as long as
he’s my son.”
L.vpLrltivc
t
t
!
f
»
Son: ’’Let her worry’.
Ir11 pay her off
against my father.
What she doesn’t know
won’t hurt , her’.”
iWnPULATION
f
1
1
t
f
!
t
»
f
T
t
t
f
f
!
t
1
I
f
»
t
t
t
!
Mother: ”He is not old
enough to look after
himself, so I intend to
tell him how to behave,
whether he likes it or
not I After all, Mother
knows best’.”
Son: ”as long as she
keeps nagging me and
embarrassing me in front
of my friends, I’m going
to stay as far away from
her as possible, and do
whatever I please’.”
CONFLICT
I
n1 -i-i
HANDLING CONFLICT
1. The ELEMENTS of conflict, as exemplified from ’’The Prisoners’
Dilemma”:
^2 ASSUMPTIONS:
They may be accurate or inaccurate.
1. Accurat e:
■ ’’The abject• of- this
game is to make as much money
as possible, without hurting or helping the other”.
2. Inaccurate:
’’The object of this game is to beat the others”.
INTENTIONS:
B:
They may be genuine or exploitive.
1. Genuine:
2*
”We must earn money”
Exploitive:
”We must win’’.
C. COMMUNICATION:
It may be evaluative (judgemental, accusatory) or merely descrip
tive (direct, nan-accusatory) ;.._..and it may include positive or
negative feelings.
1.
Evaluative and judgemental:
2. Descriptive and Direct:
” I am not sure I can trust you”
3« ijith negative Feelings:
’’You’re cheating!” (Anger)
With positive feelings:
D.
’’You crooks can’t be trusted!”
’’Let ’ s both play the blue card”(Trust)
BEHAVIOUR:
It may be reactive (against) or proactive (for); rejecting or
accepting; defensive or open.
1 • Reactive :
’’We’ll play the red card!”
2.. Proact ive:
’’Let’s play the blue card.”
3. Rejecting:
”No negotiations with them!”
4. Accept ing;
’’Let’s give them a chance to prove themselves.”
5. Defensive:
”Be careful!
6
Open:
They are out to trick us!”
’’Whatever happens, we’ll stand by our word.”
TWO POSSI BLE APPROACHES to resolve a conflicts
A. From the level of Assumptions and Intentions:
ASSUMPTIONS
A ecu rat e
1
?T
Inaccurate
I,
-2-
— To move from Conflict situation to a Problem-solving one,
correct the assumptions and intentions of both sides, (see Page 3)
B*
From the level of Communications and Behaviours
___ L_
_____ |_____
i
J
1
I
Reactive
Rejecting
Defensive
Open
Accepting
Proact ive
(Negative Feelings:
’’Against”)
_To move from Conflict situation,
case would be the right one.
(Positive Feelings? ”For”)
a move to the right in this
Rfl R ENT-rt DO LES CENT CONFLICT
Sit uation:
/An over-protective mother and a rebellious teenager.
Not her: ’MH I want is that my son should be happy and secure.”
Sons
”1 wish she’d stop talking about my happiness.
It’s-she
■ who makes my life miserable.
Her whining and worrying
and ragging are driving me crazy’.”
sumpt ions
1
Inaccurate?
Not her:
”He needs me to look after him.”
Son:
”She’s out to embarrass me <*nd make my life miserable.”
2. A ccurat e:
Not her:
”He doesn’t like my babying him.”
r»
Sons
’’She’s concerned about me. ”
Int entions:
1»
Exploitive:
Nothers
”Hef 11 do as I think best and like itl”
Son:
,,Ifm going to see that she keeps out of
my hairl”
2. Genuine:
Nothers
Son:
”1 really want my son to grow up happy.”
nI want to prove to her that she need not worry about me”.
ASSUMPTIONS
,!
f
t
t
!
T
!
Accurate
t
t
t
Mothers ”He doesn’t
like my babying him,
so i have co rind out
how I can best help
him to he happy and
mot ure:?.
UorrJ.\":e
!
!
I
1
Inaccurate
Mother: ”He’s not old
enough to look after
himself, so I’ ue got
to do what is best to
help him grow up happy”.
!
!
t
t
1
Son: ’’She’^ worried
about me, sj I have
to show her, that she
need not be; that I
can stand on my own
feet”.
!
»
r
f
t
f
!
PPO BLEFr-SOLVI IMG
Sons ’’Until I can prove
to her that I don’t
need her to wipe my
nose; she’s going to
drive me crazy.
So
I’d better show ner
that I am old enough
to take care of myself.”
HELPING /APPROACH
t
i i\rr entt op's------
t
Mot hors ”Hg may not
like it, but he’ 11 do
as I say as long as
he’s my son.”
uL. ive
Sun; ’’Let her worry I
IT 11 pay her off
against my fat hero
What she doesn’t know
won't hurt herl”
t
i
f
t
I
t
i
1
Sons ’Ms long as she
keeps nagging me and
embarrassing me in front
of my friends, I’m going
to stay as far away from
her as possible, and do
whatever I please’-”
t
CONFLICT
t
f
T
T
r
MANIPULATION
Mother: ”He is not old
enough to look after
himself, so I intend to
tell him how to behave,
whether he likes it or
not I After all 9 Mother
knows best I”
t
r
»
!
!
!
I
Jill,
h 4^
4
HANDLING CONFLICT
1. The ELEMENTS of conflict, as examplified from ’’The Prisoners’
Dilemma”:
/As ASSUMPTIONS:
They may be accurate or inaccurate.
1 * Accurate:
"The object of this game is to make as much money
as possible, without hurting or helping the other".
2. Inaccurate;
8:
’’The object of this game is to beat the others”.
INTENTIONS:
They may be genuine or exploitive.
1. Genuines
2.
"We must earn money”
Exploitive: ”ide must win”.
C. COMMUNICATION:
It may be evaluative (judgemental, accupratory) or merely descrip
tive (direct, non-accusatory) ; and it may include positive.or
negative feelings.
1. Evaluative and judgemental: ’’You crooks canrt be trustcdl”
D.
2• Descriptive and pirect:
" I am not sure I can trust you"
3* With negative Feelings:
’’You’re cheating!” (Anger)
• With positive feelings:
"Let’s both play the blue card”(Trust)
BEHAVIOUR:
It may be reactive (against) or proactive (for); rejecting or
accepting; defensive or open.
1 • Reactive :
"We’ll play the red card!"
2. Proact ive:
"Let’s play the blue card.”
3. Rejecting:
"No negotiations with theml"
4. Accepting;
"Let’s give them a chance to prove themselves."
5. Defensive:
"Be careful!
They are out to trick usl"
"Whatever happens,
we’ll stand by our word."
6. Open.:
TWO POSSI BLE APPROACHES to resolve a conflict;
From the level of Assumptions and Intentions:
ASSUMPTIONS
Accurate
1 ■ --sol vin i
p!
Inaccurat e
f
-IrV'-
'
-2-
-situation to a Problemsolving one,
correct the assumptxons and intentions of both sides, (see Page 3)
From ths level of Communications : and Behaviour:
8.
I
_
Reactive
Rejecting
(Negative Feslingss
I
Defensi ve
I
Open
’M gainst”)
Accepting
(Positive Feelingss
Proact i ve
’’For”)
_T° move from. Conflict
sit uation, a move to the right in this
case would be the right one.
parent-adolescent conflict
Sit uat ion;
An over-protective mother and a
rebellious teenager-
Not hers
’’All I want is that
my son should be happy and secure.”
Son;
'I wish she'd stop talking about my happiness,
It ’ s • she
who makes my life miserable.
f
■ • •
Her whining and worrying
and ragging are driving me crazyI"
Assumption?
1»
Inaccurat e;
Not her;
"He needs me to look after him.
Son;
"She’s out to embarrass
me ?nd make my life miserable.”
2. Accurate:
Not her:
Son:
”He doesn’t like my babying him.”
”She’s concerned about me. ”
Int entions:
1- Exploitive:
Not her:
Son:
"He’ll do as I think best and like it!”
”Ir m going to see that she keeps out
of my hair!”
2. Genuine:
Not her:
Son:
”1 really want my son to
grow up happy.”
”I want to Prove to her that she
need not worry about me”.
ASSUMPTIONS
.!
t
!
t
/Ac curat e
f
f
f
Inaccurate
!
Mother; "He doesn’t
like my babying him,
so I have to find out
how I can best help
him to be happy and
mat ur e ’.
LsriJ.rie
f
t
t
t
I
!
!
!
Son; "She’s worried
about me, so I have
to show her, that she
need not be; that I
c.-n st
d on my own'
f eet ” 0
!
t
T
(
t
f
t
PHO BLE^r-SOLVI NG
Mother; "He’s not old
enough to look after
himself, so I’ve got
to do what is best to
help him grow up happy".
Son; ’’Until I can prove
to her that I don’t
need her to wipe my
nose; she’s going to
drive me crazySo
I’d better show ner
that I am old enough
to take care of myself.”
HELPING APPROACH
I NTEIXTH ols---------
t
j.
!
f
Mot her-, ”He may not
like it, but he’ 11 do
as I say as long as
h cr s my son."
EXptc.-i i; ive
S' 3 n: ’’Let her worry!
I;11 pay her off
against my fathero
ijhat she doesn’t know
won’t hurt her!”
WNIPULATION
t
f
t
t
Mother; "He is not old
enough to look after
himself, so I intend to
tell him how to behave,
whether he likes it or
not! After all 9 Mother
knows best!"
I
»
!
?
r
f
»
f
t
!
f
f
>
T
t
T
Son; ”As long as she
keeps nagging me and
embarrassing me in front
of my friends, I’m going
to stay as far away from
her as possible, and do
whatever I please!"
CONFLICT
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