OPENING TO TRUST New paths in Rehabilitation of the mentally ill
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OPENING TO TRUST
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OPENING TO TRUST
New paths in Rehabilitation of the mentally ill
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INTRODUCTION
One of my first experiences with serious mental illness, was when a schizophrenic young
man approached me while I was working as a counselor in a Jesuit center in Bangalore.
He had been living on the streets, so I allowed him to stay in a small hut that we had. I
was determined to help him and I believe that because I regularly spent time with him, he
is still with me today, living his life successfully.
Helping him meant learning much more about schizophrenia and rehabilitation. And this
work I am still doing today after 35 years, and will be continuing to do.
As 1 go on doing this work 1 know deep down within myself, there is that phrase that I
learnt when very young - “go with it”. And I guess that is the story of my life - “go with
it”, when there is an opportunity, to help somebody less fortunate, I go with it.
So, now I am in the position where I need to tell people what I have studied and learnt
concerning mental illness and the difficulties of young people suffering from it. 1 have
been with enough young people, learning to overcome the difficulties they have and I am
now committed, that families and general public realize that it is possible to live and over
come mental illness. And 1 can refer to two or three hundred young people who have
been able to make the necessary changes in their lives.
1 have been asked many times by people to write my story . I have various reasons for
writing .1 guess the main reason for my writing is to let people know that it is possible to
make changes in their personality so they can function and can have a meaningful and
happy life. And I today appreciate all the feedback and gratitude that people have given
me.
So I have put together a collection of my writings for over 35 years, in the hope that those
people who are struck with mental illness may realize that there is a way of establishing
themselves in a healthy and positive way. I want to share what many young people, who
had serious problems, have taught me, concerning the ability to function with clarity of
mind and with enjoyment.
I also hope that this will interest all those who are working with the mentally ill and that
the book may provide guidance and hope that there is a way through.
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Chapter I
MENTAL ILLNESS
- AN UNDERSTANDING
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THE SHADOWY WORLD OF MENTAL ILLNESS
1 live in Bangalore. The new Bangalore, the city that has become synonymous with the
new growing economy, a place of employment, a city bursting at the seams, a city full of
many shopping malls, a symbol of bright glittering world of today. It exists for young
people, for any one willing to take their place in the developing India. Bangalore city is
this crowded metropolis, a workshop for developing instant communication, energy,
creativity, enjoyment. This world is a bright, clear world, but although almost everybody
appreciates this brash newness, other people are less happy, for hidden within this world
there is a shadow world. My creative interaction is within this other world hidden in this
city. In this city of Bangalore, 1 have been involved for the last 25 years in a shadow
world . 1 have seen the quiet garden city of Bangalore become the bright glittering world
of information technology. But for me I have become more and more aware of the
shadow world that is also present to a few of us in any city, as it is in any countryside, in
any rural area. And this shadow world is that of mental illness.
A world of uncertainty, a world of isolation , a world of negativity, such is the everyday
world of the mentally ill.
In this shadow world the hazy and often irrational
communication of the mentally ill is far from the clear, bright, fast-developing creativity
and galloping social growth that is resulting from the inventive digital means of
communication. Yes, in this shadow world, the shadows or miscommunications, slow
and block communications in families, communications with friends and associates.
These hindrances to clear, understanding communication block, the moves of the young
adult mentally ill men and women of today to be assimilated into the emerging new
culture that pervades in many ways the city of Bangalore. Irrational, dark, threatening
images often may arise from the shadows we all carry within us. It was the great Carl
Jung, the psychologist, who referred to the unconscious realm of our personality as the
shadow. We all carry within us that shadow. As we walk towards the sun along the street
on a sunny day we don’t notice the lurking shadow we throw on the ground behind us.
But it is there.
As our shadow, our unconscious is ever with us, so unknown and
unrecognized but very active in our thoughts, feelings, behaviours. Only when that
shadow world begins to trip us up, causing some of us to have what we may experience
as uncontrollable negative feelings, or thoughts and beliefs that may cause us to unduly
hesitate or withdraw in anger and depression. When we begin to experience any unease
or distress, any discomfort the reasons for which we may not be aware, then we are
probably living and reacting from our unconscious shadow. As we reflect on the
difficulties we may have in relating with other people or dissatisfied with ourselves and
our behaviours we may recognize that we do have a shadow. All of us have a shadow, all
of us in varying degrees. We need to admit that we are not fully conscious of the
tendencies dictated by our shadow.
I would like to reflect on this aspect of our personalities that is generally ignored by the
society. The shadow world, which ordinary people may be reluctant to admit, would like
to say is not there, we cannot deny. It is there and many young people suffer horribly in
the shadow world. I am speaking of mental illness, something most of us seem ready to
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ignore and not acknowledge. Although this reality is something that we do not like to
recognize, are loath to give any attention to, does exist. It is something we cover with a
stigma, black out of our interest, a reality not in my reality, not to be given attention.
Any interest or concern for the mentally ill is for other people, not for me. Compare your
reaction if a person came up to you and told you that he has a cancer, then another person
immediately comes up to you muttering non-sense or loudly chanting to nobody but
himself, to whom do you give attention ?
When a person is drawn into that shadow world there is tragedy for themselves, their
family and all society, for if you take one person out of the healthy, reasonable
functioning human society there is loss. It is not a material loss, it is a spiritual loss for,
that person can no longer share his or her love, cannot experience the true, meaningful,
emotional experience of human life. Yes, with the internet, we contact so many in so
many places for some many silly reasons and say that world is becoming more one. But
really are we becoming more one in depth when many are placed out of circulation by
families, by society, by community? Today the WHO reiterates again and again that the
healing of the mentally ill must be community based.
Most of us wish to belong to the modern, fascinating new knowledge community,
brought to us by TV and the other media. But some of us have no awareness of what is
happening in the human community. I was asked to meet a young girl, a young girl not
fitting into the community, as she had some psychological problems. I was told she was
not coping in her life, and had problems with the stresses and strains of living with her
family. She was fully in the shadow world. She had to withdraw, she had to meet the
psychiatrist, take psychotropic medication because of her inability to handle her feelings
and thus handle her thought process. She had to be evaluated by the psychologist and
then, if there was one available, speak with a psychotherapist to attempt to discover the
unconscious roots of her odd behaviors and unstable existence. She spent a year, then
another, and another, three years in all struggling to find solid ground for her disturbed
living practices and to understand her inconsistent thought processes. She went through
the whole process of learning the ability to relate to other people quietly and with
purpose. She did well for she is intelligent, and basically wants to reach out to others and
have friends. She did better than most people with her problem and has been able to
return to a normal, functional life.
The next step was to step out of the shadow world into the bright, promising world of
Bangalore. She applied for a job. for employment in the fast, exciting world of
information technology. She went to a call centre that advertised a special program for
engaging and hiring persons with any disability. She went through the interview. The
interviewer experienced her as competent and told her that she had done very well, infact
better than many others whom he had interviewed. He asked for her degrees. She had
no college degrees. The interviewer then quietly but firmly explained to her that she
could not be hired, for he said, they hired only degree holders. Remember the fast new
internet world must maintain the speed of the future. She could not tell him that she had
had to spend the usual college years in treatment for her psychological problems. She
had not been able to spend the time that a normal person without the stigma of mental
6
illness spent in education. She had spent that time in treatment. As a citizen of the
shadow world, she was familiar with the taboo learned by experience not to talk of her
shadowy past. When a person by means of medication and years of therapy is able to
emerge out of the shadowy world of mental illness, they do not have a piece of paper to
prove that they can be just as competent as the next person. How was she to dissipate the
unspoken questioning and the hesitations in the mind of the interviewer and prove to him
that her present clear thinking and awareness of feelings and ease in handling those
feelings may be more mentally healthy and reality based than his. Remember that
mentally ill persons who have come through their ordeal must always examine
perseveringly their thoughts and feelings and be able to acknowledge and explain to
themselves and if necessary to others, their interior reactions and feelings. And given
some trust this young girl could probably have shown that her reactions were as reality
based as that of a person who has not been forced to go through the long and painful
sessions of therapy.
People can emerge from mental illness and function as well as any ordinary person in
front of a computer or become engaged in any other gainful employment. I could here
relate the story of the Head of the Postgraduate Department of a large central government
medical college , happily married and the mother of two growing girls. People classified
with mental illness should never accept the condemnation so often made that they must
accept that their destiny to live on the obscure, hidden sidelines of life. There is a route
out from mental illness; it is possible to come out of the darkness into the light, out of the
disordered, unreal beliefs into the solid, certainty of clear thought.
Consider what happens when a person becomes mentally ill. Mental illness begins in
young people in their early teens say 15 to 18. The beginnings are not obvious; they are
often shadowy, and not clear. Let us take for example, a young man who’s been a fine
member of the family through this life, although may be a little shy and sensitive in his
early years. He may have been a younger member who did not match up to the ambitions
of his father or matched the activities of his older brothers and sisters. He may have done
well in school, although he may have had some difficulty making friends. He may have
been successful and done well until Class Ten but, in that year began to be more
withdrawn, began having trouble with his studies, along with a tendency to withdraw into
his room, not wanting to get up in the morning, not reacting to the parents who keep
insisting for him to be active. He may have long unexplained periods in the bathroom.
And sometimes he may be talking strangely and expressing odd imaginings. With all this
going on, the parents will not fully understand what is happening with the young man.
They may put it down to teenaged problems, simple growing pains, teenaged troubles;
There must be an explanation somewhere. But in vain they seek for an explanation, and
really it is near impossible to give a firm explanation for the symptoms of mental illness
or the process of mental illness, although a psychiatrist may venture to give a name to his
illness, prescribe medication accordingly.
But there may be some more meaningful explanation if we spent enough time going over
the highs and lows of the person’s life, spending enough time questioning them about
their many feelings and beliefs about themselves at different stages of life. The person
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could be asked to relate as much as possible the important feelings, thoughts and
memories of his life. Out of these long and painstaking discussions will come to a fairly
good idea of what could be the hidden unconscious causes of his negative behaving and
inability to relate in any meaningful manner with other people, be they family or
otherwise. The search is to uncover the incidents in the distant past that have been
quietly shunted into the shadow, into the unconscious, yet even now have the power to
bring confusion into his present functioning. As this strange behavior begins in this
family, may be one of the friends of the family or a relative will make the suggestion that
perhaps there is something more serious happening and perhaps is might be good if he
xwere taken to a hospital or even to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist will verify the
seriousness of the plight of the young person. Meanwhile with the person who may now
be called a patient, there may even be bursts of anger happening, some throwing of plates
or other objects. The family becomes worried and although there is hesitancy they are
beginning to realize that something must be done. They realize deep within that
something very wrong is happening yet still loath to admit it, for as with the majority of
the population knowledge of the intricacies of mental illness is almost nil. So the family’s
world is expanding more quickly than they ever expected. Their learning is being forcibly
enlarged, being opened to uncertainties, to behaviors never before experienced. There is
much that is new, strange, peculiar. OftenU^azagr quirks develop within what was a quiet
happy home atmosphere a year ago. Many aspects of the familiar, quiet times of the
home world are becoming unfamiliar, estranged from the usual understandable family
life. They now have concrete experience of a serious problem disrupting family life.
This problem is centered in this one member with whom it is practically impossible to
communicate. The situation is serious. And it is basically an unhappy and tense situation,
one that has happened unexpectedly and without any seeming cause.
The psychiatrist will spend time he has talking with the patient. The time will be limited
because of the large number of people with serious psychological problems. He will
prescribe some medication which will usually give some relief to the family. However,
quite often parents will complain that very little is explained to them or to the patient.
Often it is very difficult to give any full explanation of what is taking place within the
patient. The parents want to know more, want some thing they can understand and gives
them a clear control of the home situation. They have to accept whatever is told to them.
They have to manage to convince the patient, this young man now afflicted with this
unfortunate condition, their disturbed son, to accept this new medication prescribed by
the psychiatrist. With the medication the young man may hopefully be more quiet, more
withdrawn. Usually or very often he may want to refuse the medication. And this is one
important characteristic of the mentally ill. It is quite impossible to come up with a valid
reason why almost all the mentally ill want to refuse the medication or desire to be free of
it as soon as possible. Often the effects of the medication are not explained, nor the
reasons why this medication and not another.
Often it seems some sort of secret must be kept, often there is no naming, no diagnosis,
nothing specific so that the family now can understand what is happening, what they can
expect, what the future course of action will be, how the healing will come about.
8
With the usual medical problem there will be a definite prognosis, some hope given,
while any consultant for the mentally ill at this early stage is reluctant to make any
promises for he or she is aware that no definite secure plan of recovery is readily
possible. In the shadow world nothing is clear and definite. The psychiatrist will do his
best to match the medication to the problems which the young man is presenting.
With the medication the young man may show more activity, may be able to return to
some study, be more amenable in his behavior, but all family members will experience
some odd mannerisms they see as quite disruptive in this life and distressing in the family
life. The young man may withdraw from reality, be afraid to walk down the street. He
may be lost, speaking of some weird ideas and hopes, often very angry, acting out,
showing defiance, all of which gives worry to the family. They will be wondering what
is going to happen, what will be the outcome of this continuing crisis. Paramount in this
whole happening are the feelings that arise. Feelings are so very important in our lives.
This young man cannot control his feelings, especially the level of his feelings, of
feelings that he cannot understand, or ever experienced before. Uppermost in all of this
will be his fears, his angers and his depressive sadness.
The recognition of feelings is most important. I believe the road through mental illness is
through the feeling the person is exhibiting. The negative and uncontrolled feelings are a
sign that the basic sense of self is disturbed, a non-acceptance of the contents of life, so
there is no quiet, calm, assured, ease, peace within the deep awareness of the self. In
mental illness someone might say that the ego is dominant and has taken over the
captaincy of the ship and it cannot be unseated from its dominant, demanding,
unreasonable power. The medicating may quiet this dominating, ever changing
unreasoning tyrant somewhat. But it is only when the individual is clearly aware of his
feelings and their roots, and with insight controls his feelings and thoughts, memories and
beliefs, there will be space and openness for feedback. The acceptance of the feedback is
essential, for it facilitates his inner reasoning and will lead him to trust his own deeper
self.
Slowly peace and true beneficial control and happiness may be gradually
experienced. Perhaps all this may sound quite simplistic, however, it is probably the best
road leading out of mental illness. Schizophrenia is a regressive illness so questioning
and reflection needs to be kept simple when you consider how mental illness can garble a
regressed personality.
The world of mental illness is a shadow world. My intention over the past 25 years has
been to bring some simple light to the treatment of mental illness. 1 use the word simple
but in treating the mentally ill we have to keep the interactions with the person quite
simple, keep it clear, in understandable words and phrases. The therapist however, must
be very perceptive and creative in his thinking, very much aware of his feelings and
reactions, continuously questioning various options in his proceeding, aware of his
choice, always trying to bridge any gap between himself and the ill person, attempting to
establish better connection with his client, speaking to the whole person he is speaking
with, inviting him or her to be open in tentatively discovering another person, a person
who wishes to understand the pains and anxieties with which he feels afflicted. Finally
he may perhaps begin to experience a small new idea that perhaps he may be able to trust
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this person who seems so interested in him. He may allow himself to remember that
once upon a time he was familiar with an engaging, shared world of loved family
members and friends.
Fr. Hank Nunn S.J.
Athma Shakti Vidyalaya
10
MISERY OPENS TO JOY
They wanted him to go to college
after all he had
done so well in school
such good marks
so well behaved
so quiet and unobtrusive
and now
see him now
not getting up in the morning
not talking
rather muttering to himself
seeing what is not there
afraid to go out
not washing
even not eating
why why why?
What happened
what went wrong
he had everything he could have wanted
or so it seemed
the parents were loving
in their way
at least that is what they believe
and yet
perhaps
it could have been different
How to find out
for he will not talk about
what it was like
way back when he was so small
and vulnerable
when his thoughts about himself
were being formed
way back then he was making choices
choices he was not even aware of
but choices which somehow or other
relate to the now
and now withdrawal
the now tendency to anger and violence
the now inability to meet and talk with others
How to break through
how to get him to trust
for what is trust
or is it trust that he needs
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who needs to trust
those who trust that he can come out
those who trust that he needs to be shaken up
and told to behave
those who trust that just being with him will work
yes he needs to trust
that frightened little boy needs to find
someone who accepts
who trusts
trusts that he is needing
tries to help find what he is needing
opens to that special needing
waits suggests pauses listens
wonders guesses states talks clarifies
all the while trusting that the presence will work
realizing that it takes time time time
days and days and days
weeks and weeks and weeks
knowing that there are no miracles
no easy solutions
no simple explanations
knowing there are fall backs
hesitations
doubts
fears
runaways into the inner realm
yet stays with him
accepts to be there now and always
accepts to be demanding warmly
accepts to be consoling firmly
and hopefully there is a change
a sense of openness to communication
and then real communication coming back
a recognition of caring
a realization that acceptance is there
and acceptance of acceptance happens
happens with a slow deep awareness of need
and a change of attitude
yes there is goodness in the universe
and he admits he can share in that goodness
so to start thinking for self
being responsible for self
responsible to another
to others
and the truly graceful belief that life
can be lived with a taste ofjoy.
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Schizophrenia - a Social Illness in which we all share
7 AM. The alarm clocks wakes Joe. It continues to ring, louder and louder, and seems
toneverstop. Joe gets up. The ringing is now almost deafening. He covers his ears, but
he still hears it. He does not know what to make of this. He opens the window, and the
loud noise of the alarm clock spreads through the air, presumably heard by everybody.
At first it sounds like the siren of a police car, then of a fire engine; finally it seems so
powerful as to transmit a warning signal to the whole city. The streets, too, are unusual
this morning. The buildings have assumed funny shapes. Everything is brightly hued,
like Technicolor. In the 24 years of his young life Joe has never experienced a similar
sense of foreboding and ominous mystery.
It is dusk , and Pari is walking home. But the dusk is darker than at other evenings, and
the road lights seem dimmer than usual. The noises of the city are different, continuous,
with an incessant sound of dismay, sometimes fading away and then coming back, like
waves. There is a whispering in the air, diffused, unintelligible. Gradually, words
become distinguishable. They are about her. She looks backward. There they are,
peculiar men with grotesque faces who follow her. What do they want from a poor,
innocent, 22 year old girl? They are spying on her. They may want to catch her and
kidnap her. She runs hope in panic. Her trembling hands try to find the keyhole; she
opens door, bursts into tears, and screams, Mother, Mother, they are following me, they
are after me.
Joe and Pari are having acute attacks of schizophrenia.
If Joe or Pari is a member of your family, their pain becomes your suffering, your crucial
problem. If you are fortunate never to have the disease touch your family, your may have
a friend or a neighbour who has suffered from it. You may have met patients who have
been discharged and are now in the community. You may be motivated to help because
of your concern for those fellow human beings who are afflicted. You may have heard
something about schizophrenia and gathered information to conclude that to know about
schizophrenia means to know a great deal about the human condition and predicament.
Schizophrenia cannot be ignored. In recent years, however much more attention has been
paid to other diseases. Coronary disease, cancer, diabetes have captured the public
interest. Schizophrenia has not stimulated equal concern. Yet, no other condition creates
such heavy economic burdens for the state or the family. If we assess the gravity of an
illness solely by the number of people who are affected by it, then alcoholism deserves
the greatest attention. But if we evaluate importance in terms of the severity of mental
disturbance, or of the degree of interference with the functions of the mental health, then
no other problem is of greater magnitude than schizophrenia. When we consider the
impact of schizophrenia on the present generation (there are about 40 million
schizophrenics in the world), we conclude that no war in history has produced so many
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victims, wounded so many people. No earthquake has exacted so high a toll; no other
condition that we know of has deprived so many young people of the promise of life.
Why, then, has schizophrenia received relatively little attention in the press and other
media directed at the general public? There is no single answer.
Many people,
discouraged by the numerous problems that schizophrenia presents, assume an attitude of
denial; they act as if schizophrenia does not exist, or as if they feel the best way to deal
with it is to ignore it. We recognize that this denial is founded on a common and ancient
prejudice toward mental illnesses - so called madness, craziness or insanity - of which
schizophrenia is the most typical representative. The fear of mental illness, or the
concept of mental illness as something to be ashamed of or horrified by, leads to its
denial. The be h eve ..that we too, if we are eccentric or if we assume an extremist,
controversial, or unpopular position, may be wrongly labeled as schizophrenics, leads to
its denial. The apprehension that we may be secretly suffering from this disorder leads to
its denial. The fear that we may be the direct and only cause of schizophrenia in others,
especially our children, and that we may have to face the resultant guilt, leads to its
denial. The absolutely unfounded belief that nothing can be done about it also leads to its
denial. The truth is that approximately one of three patients recovers completely, and
more than one-third improve sufficiently to live adequate lives.
Schizophrenia is not something that we need to feel ashamed of or guilty about, just as
we are not ashamed of or guilty for earthquakes that may occur where we live. And
unlike earthquakes, schizophrenia is a phenomenon that we can do a great deal about. In
the realization that schizophrenia is still with us we must find an additional incentive to
improve the ways in which we organize our environment and our social institutions, live
within our families and affect one another.
It is important to have compassion for the mentally ill, to understand their suffering and
to overcome prejudices towards them, but it is even more important for us to develop a
sense of kinship for the patient, because it implies compassion and abolition of prejudice.
If we do, the likelihood of our being able to help will also increase. In many we may
even admire the patient.
The schizophrenic is not the only fugitive from the reality. The creative person too feels
a prisoner in the midst of things as they really are and wants to change them by adding
something that will make the world more beautiful, more understandable or more
controllable. Scientists, poets, artists, playwrights, and other creative people use some
mental processes similar to those used by the schizophrenic - and by the normal person
when he dreams. Creative people are able to fuse these strange mental processes with
the usual logical mechanisms of the mind, and the result is creative work and creative
products. The schizophrenic cannot make this laborious synthesis. He uses imaginative
processes in destructive ways. Nevertheless, the study of these mechanisms clarifies to a
considerable extent the complexity of a creative person. Schizophrenia thus does not
remain just a medical and humane concern. It is true that our consideration, commitment,
and involvement derive from our great concern for people who suffer from this condition.
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But in addition, the study of this disorder will give us the possibility of seeing from
unusual perspectives the labyrinth of the human mind - that ever - unfolding and neverfinished entity that has no equal for complexity in the world known to science. By
studying schizophrenia we examine in a unique way the great enigma of the human
being, his eternal wavering between truth and illusion; his constant uncertainty between
love and hate ; his conflict between his desire to embrace his fellow men and his fear of
them; and his circuitous journey between increasing suspiciousness and absolute faith,
between his insatiable hunger for other people and his deep, interminable isolation and
loneliness. These extremes encompass the vast panorama of human existence.
15
From a letter to a young lady wanting to understand schizophrenia
Dear Rebecca,
Thanks for your letter and the request to know more about schizophrenia. I appreciate
your having this interest as there are very few people who would want to know more
about this disturbing condition, a frightening condition for many people and families, and
a very severe condemnation when a young teenager is told that he or she is schizophrenic.
For in the minds of many psychiatrists and doctors and in the minds of the general public,
the illness cannot be fully explained, there is no known simple way of coming out of the
condition, and for many there is just no way out - it is a condition that you will have all
youi life. It is the unknown that upsets people when referring to schizophrenia, as any
unknown often disturbs people. But with schizophrenia, the unknowns are what is
usually uppermost. It is often unpredictable how the individual diagnosed as
schizophrenic is going to react, what strange and odd behavior they may show at any
time, what uncontrollable feelings they will display, what spontaneous, unrelated
reactions or speech they may show, what violence they may show, or what level of
withdrawal he or she may show. A schizophrenic may not understand what you are trying
to make him or her understand, may talk in seeming riddles that has no relationship to
what is happening at present. The person seems to be in a world of their own.
?£
One way of looking at the seriously affected schizophrenic is to see or refer to the person
as a very young child acting and relating as a 2 or 3 years old, but living in a 17 or 18 or
25 or 30 year olds body, for schizophrenia is a regressive disease where the person
regresses to an age where the problems coping with the world around him or her will go
away. In many cases the person is very afraid, greatly afraid and cannot cope with
demands of relating to others, cannot understand what they are afraid of and cannot
resolve the fear so they withdraw or attempt to get along in whatever manner the deluded
thinking leads them to act or say. And because of being afraid, they feel someone is
causing them to be afraid and someone causes me to be afraid, I will become angry at the
person. This can happen even if the person is not conscious that they are afraid. Many
schizophrenics are not conscious of their fear, the deep fear they have and feel threatened
at an existence^level. At times those who work and meet and look after the
schizophrenics have to be very careful for the very angry schizophrenic can become
angry at what we may call the third degree level, that is, attack to cause grievous harm if
not worse. And at the same time fear or anger at life which they cannot express or find a
solution for, causes them to be suicidal.
I he illness does not relate to a person’s intelligence quotient, or IQ. Often, the
schizophrenic is a very intelligent person and this itself may cause them to be more
questioning of themselves and their present reality than the other person who can let the
world go by them without taking the “whips and scorns of nature” too seriously. The
schizophrenic is under pressure all the time even when he or she is withdrawn into their
own mind. So basically I believe the first experience of the person is to make us aware of
the person s feelings and the level of those feelings, and how they are expressing those
16
feelings. For, remember they may have no sufficient control of those feelings. It is not
very often that they will be violent, yet the caretaker has to be wary and careful that there
is no occasion or reason presented on which the ill person can act out. Whenever the
caretaker is handling the person who is actively a schizophrenic, there is an important
factor that must be taken into consideration, something that can have a tremendous effect
on the life of the ill person. This is especially important when the ill person is tending to
violence or to serious depression or withdrawal or seemingly lost and estranged. One of
the foremost behaviors of the schizophrenic, especially when young, in the beginning
stages, is the withdrawal and tendency to isolation. This tendency is especially often
withdrawal or anger with parents. Many times when parents have brought a young
schizophrenic to me and I ask them if he or she has been violent, the answer will usually
be “oh, don’t worry, he has only been violent with us, his parents”. So there seems to be
some break in relationship, a lack of appreciation for the parents he or she should feel
close to. And this can be very depressing and hurtful for the parents, putting them in a
seeming hopeless position.
So when dealing with a withdrawn or quiet schizophrenic the essential thing is to, if
possible, quietly break into the isolation. As I said before the ill person is like a child
searching and not knowing what is wrong, what they want or what they are essentially
missing. My belief is that the person is missing contact, they sense that they are all alone,
lost with no base or solidity. We may experience feelings and realize that we have contact
with ourselves, but we hesitate, consider and realize that we have contact only with our
self, our base. We know what we are feeling and thinking, We are sure that it is I myself
in my own awareness of consciousness so I need not be drastically afraid of protective or
needlessly afraid. 1 still have my feet on the ground and can reach out for verification
and support. 1 have others I can relate to, who will help me to understand my experience
as 1 share with them. I am firm in my base.
So there is a process that 1 find most helpful when my endeavors to bring an upset ill
person to settle and listen, to be present to be here and now. My intention will be to be
quietly present, totally and deeply connected to the person. I say totally, I mean that
within myself I am reading all the clues 1 can pick up from the upset person, so he will in
some degree experience that he is safe, he is not alone, he is being listened to by someone
who wishes to connect with him, to convince him that I am open to his being with me
now for unconsciously there is a self in him that wants and needs to feel attached to some
one and that someone now happens to be me interested wholeheartedly in him. But all
this must delicately, slowly and gradually be brought forward. Through this process I
have had persons who have been ill for a few years or were upset, who begin to realize
that they have a “self’ that is wanted and is accepted, that they can trust that self that may
be a little bit allowing itself to function unconsciously with him, that self which will
come to monitor the bizarre thinking and find appropriate level of feelings and hopefully
give them the greatest experience we can all have - that is to accept the happy
responsibility to our own self and to all those whom we live with and love.
17
QUESTIONS LOOKING FOR ANSWERS
If anyone becomes at all familiar with the various aspects of what we term as
schizophrenia he or she will begin to realize what a labyrinth of opinions, theories,
conditions, treatments, hopes, disappointments, angers, fears they have fallen into. Just
as in the inner environment of the suffering patient, clarity for most of us does not exist.
It is all a confused jumble, especially for the schizophrenic and his family. With about
eight million schizophrenics in India, there are many stumbling around in this confused
jumble, this confused environment. There are various leads which seem to show the way
somewhat, some which lead to a certain success, others which end up as dead ends, or
hold out hopes as illusory as the voices and sights that many of the schizophrenics make
up.
The subject of schizophrenia is full of questions looking for answers. And those answers
are distressingly slow in coming. Each person who is schizophrenic is a living question how did it all begin, why me, how is it 1 have these feelings, where do my hallucinations
come from, why do I have such terrifying fears; of many small matters, where does my
destructive anger come from, can I get any relief, do others feel as I do, how can I trust
anyone, why am I cast off, alone, imprisoned, not understood, not accepted, not loved?
So many questions are there. I intend in this article to consider some of the questions
looking for answers. They are questions not often asked but it might be useful to ask
them and reflect to see what answer may be forthcoming.
One of the first questions to be asked is why is it that it is so easily accepted that the
schizophrenic will remain so throughout his or her life? Here you have a person trying to
figure out what is happening within him, feeling impulses and pressures that he cannot
explain and he is told that he will have to remain like that throughout his life. Perhaps he
is promised some alleviation but is also told that he will never be considered fully
responsible for himself or reliable as normal people are, nor will he be fully aware of how
to control the various ups and downs he experiences within. That is quite a life sentence
to be lowered on him. That is quite a life sentence to be lowered on anyone. People have
come out of the schizophrenic condition - they have come to realize the causes of the
feelings and impulses which seem to be driving them and have learned to control those
feelings and impulses. They have learned that there are moves and changes they can
make, moves in their belief system, and in their thinking, moves which will make some
joy a reality for them. It is possible.
So how and why do we stop ourselves from emphasizing the schizophrenic’s ability to
recover and get well, to establish true communication with significant others in a
functional, meaningful life? There is always hope, but do we give substance to that
hope? If we give trust to that hope then we will notice changes and perhaps be surprised
by outstanding changes. I believe that we are in a positive and important area of human
life here. We can refer to the beliefs around schizophrenics in history, how those who
18
acted strangely were thought to possess special powers, to have some abnormal depth to
their personalities which would be of help to those who were not so blessed. After all,
what is this depth?
We refer to it seemingly as the unconscious. And what is that?, It seems to be an
openness to what we cannot understand, what we can only believe is there. There seems
to be some power there- a power of compassion, of love, of sharing, of being united and
helping one another. Our belief in this power within us can enable another individual to
be strengthened and to be willing to accept the experience of being the person he or she
is.
Why is it that we do not give credence to this power of our openness and belief to lead
others out of the confusion that seems to exist in the unconscious. We can lead them out
to clarity and love.
I know that I am speaking of an area of the human personality that is not fully definite
and clear. We have our experience of this area. And even if we do not want to admit its
importance it plays an important role in our lives. Often we are afraid to admit that we
are being influenced from this hidden area in our personality, for if we were to admit to it
we would have to seriously see how we are being influenced - and would perhaps have to
stop running, stop trying to escape. What is it we try to avoid but the need of change,
change rooted down deep within and shown in our behavior with others. Are we open to
consider our need of change in our attitudes, our beliefs, our thinking towards other
persons, our closed thought patterns. Are we ready to give up memories, let go of
hurts, allow ourselves to be compassionate and loving.
We acknowledge that the world around us is changing each day - so many new ideas, so
many new cultural patterns, so much new technology. We are part of the changing
environment. But are we willing to work to change or are we shut down? We believe that
A
I
/
schizophrenics must change to be happy. How much pressure are we willing to put on /
ourselves to change? We might be afraid that the schizophrenic now functioning I
normally will challenge us to change? How quickly we cross the street to avoid passing \
by the raving person on this side. I believe that the schizophrenic is always challenging
us to change, asking us to realize that we all need to keep growing and searching for ways
to bring more compassion and love into our world. Why do we not see that aspect of
their life and conduct? In centuries past they have always been challenging the healthy
individuals to see the new and special possibilities in our human growth together. It is
the same today, so why do we keep seeing them as trouble-makers and failures? The
schizophrenic has the same possibilities as we have. Our belief that he or she can and
will use those possibilities will enable them to use the possibilities.
Let us consider another question which comes up when we talk about schizophrenics. In
our therapeutic community we talk often about “getting well”. Families come to seek
admission for a disturbed member of the family in order for them to “get well”. How
much some families really believe in the persons ability to get well after all that they have
been through can be questioned. Let us consider a bit what perhaps “getting well” means.
19
pwjt ^4*
It will definitely mean different things for different people. Most of us would say that a
human person needs to be able to relate in a meaningful manner with other persons,
especially one or two significant others whom he or she trusts and accepts care and
affection from. Also in return the person will be expected to be able to return that care
and affection and in fact does that.
We find ourselves in this universe and experience the need to find understanding and
support from others and find our happiness in giving that understanding and support to
others. So the schizophrenic needs, like all of us, to be able to form meaningful
attachments to others, to a significant other. It is that attachment , that bonding that
makes it possible for the schizophrenic to trust in himself and then open in trust to
another. Why is it so hard for us to extend patience and love for the mentally ill, for the
schizophrenic? It is true, they don’t seem to want our love, our care. They seem to push
us away. And that is not true. On the surface it might seem so. But if we stop and stay
open at a level deeper than the noise and agitation and withdrawal we may sense some
activity at some level, may be at the deepest level where the schizophrenic is not fully
aware of what is happening. It could be that bonding is taking place. Bonding may take
place with anyone who is sincerely open and accepting. At the heart of the bonding is
the affectional attraction of one individual for another individual. Often it cannot be
explained in a practical manner because it is created on the inner, deep level of the
personality.
Whatever has happened in early life, usually the schizophrenic has difficulties in
bonding, and may not have a satisfactory experience of bonding and has not been able to
form meaningful attachments with others. Yet all persons need to have attachments. John
Bowlby has studied and written extensively on the concept of bonding. The following
quote is from his book, “The making and Breaking of affectional Bonds”.
“Thus attachment behavior is conceived as a class of behavior distinct from
feeding and sexual behavior and of at least an equal significance in human life.
There is nothing intrinsically childish o^/pathological about it.
It will be noted that the concept of attachment differs from that of dependence.
For example, dependence is not specifically related to maintenance of proximity,
it is not directed towards a specific individual, it does not imply an enduring bond,
nor is it associated with strong feeling. No biological function is attributed to it.
Furthermore, in the concept of dependence there are value implications the exact
opposite of those that the concept of attachment conveys. Whereas to refer to a
person as dependent tends to be disparaging, to describe him as attached to
someone can well be an expression of approval. Conversely, for a person to be
detached in his personal relations is usually regarded as less than admirable. The
disparaging element in the concept of dependence, which reflects a failure to
recognize the value that attachment behavior has for survival, is held to be a fatal
weakness to its clinical use”
It seems to be quite clear that schizophrenics need some sort of attachment to someone
whom they believe they can trust to take care of them. If this is true then why is it that
20
society does not make a greater effort to set up situations or places in which
schizophrenics can meet with people with whom they could form attachments. In some
ways I believe that most people are afraid of the idea of dependency. They are reluctant
to have someone depend on them, while some others are only too happy to have one
dependent on them - they will use the dependency of others as a means to their own
aggrandizement and satisfaction.
The ability to form attachments and to be able to use them as a means of emotional
fulfillment and health is a sign of what is referred to as the mature functioning of the
human personality. 1 believe it is mark of “being well” or “getting well” Dr. Dean Ornish
in his book on reversing heart disease states that the most important factor in enabling
persons to alleviate their physical heart problems is the ability to be able to open our
hearts to others -to be able to communicate and recognize and appreciate attachments
with significant others. He writes :
“ I realized that if someone else can have that kind of compassion for my inner
darkness, then may be 1 can for myself too. I can begin opening the window
allowing the inner light to shine in, and realize that it is not dark anymore.
And to the degree I can do that, to the extent that I can have the same compassion
for my own ignorance and my own darkness and my own demons, then I can
begin to have that same compassion and love for other people whenever they
display their darkness to me. When I can do that, it helps to free both of us...
The ongoing process of learning compassion - for my own darkness and that of
others - is what helps to free me from my sense of isolation. That is what frees
us, that’s what heals us. And eventually it may even open our arteries as well as
our hearts...
The real issue for me is how we can feel more free and more joyful. How to open
our hearts on psychological levels — to build intimacy - and spiritual levejs^ to
develop compassion. More precisely we are free already; by remaining
compassionate, we can stop binding ourselves and limiting our freedom. We may
live longer because of this, but that’s not the primary goal. We can live better.”
So the endeavors which we make to bring schizophrenics to form attachments are really
part of the most essential process that we all need to work through in order to make this
universe a joyful place. The environment is the word bandied about very much today.
And it must be given due importance - the word and the reality. But what is the value if
we have a tremendously beautiful garden populated by a group of people sitting off by
themselves not communicating and being unhappy and disgruntled. Why is it that we do
not give the necessary importance to the inner environment, the environment of the heart?
Perhaps it is not so important to find an answer to that question and perhaps we never
will. But let us strive with all the effort available to improve the inner environment especially the inner environment hidden behind the schizophrenic mask - the disturbed
and confused environment of the person suffering from serious emotional problems.
21
Our efforts begin with communication and end with communication, for in the
communication we give and receive the care and love we exist for. And so we come to
share a joy which silences all our questioning and gives us the answer which will always
be satisfying.
T1
Mental Health - a concern
creative transformation - the person has to be creative, do something they have
never done before.
new insight - new decision or letting - go
coming through the fear
leaving the anger
willingness to accept the uncertainties of life
accepting my limitations
all persons created to love - to be together - acceptant of all
realizing my need of the other
trust - with the unknown that must be accepted - and respected
belief - our highest activity - our need to believe
the mystery of human life - to accept the mystery - we live a mystery
finding the joy and warmth of human life
the subjective and the objective
Rumi - This being human is a guest house
Every morning a new arrival
A joy, a depression, a meanness
Some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor
Welcome and entertain them all !
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows
Who violently sweep your house
Empty of its furniture,
Still, treat each guest honorably
He may be clearing you out
For some new delight
The dark thought, the shame, the malice
Meet them at the door laughing
And invite them in
Be grateful for whoever comes
Because each has been sent
As a guide from beyond
- to accept that other persons have much the same experience as 1 am having
-it is alright to have a problem or difficulty in trying to understand my inner
experience at the present moment, and believing that I can do something within myself to
be more comfortable being the person I am although 1 must admit at the same time that I,
require the acceptance, support and assistance of some person who has a better
understanding of myself than 1 have of myself.
- I will admit that I can follow the advice of the other person and will remain open to this
advice.
If 1 give more value to my thinking then I can choose whatever 1 decide to do with my
being. If I am unhappy enough then I do not have a right to be rid of my existence,
something I have not given myself, so 1 cannot decide to simply throw it away. If you
23
differ from me in your thinking it is not right for me to torture you into a submission to
my way of thinking. My right to life and happiness is founded on my existence, my
being, not on your thinking or idea of me. First I exist, then I think.
My honesty is based on my deeper self. 1 need to be honest with you because of your
existence as a person, not just on my attitude towards you. I become aware of my
existence, my spiritual self, a consciousness of my deeper self, what some call my
conscience. My right to life; to be treated well, to be respected with love and care, are
based on this spiritual self that I am. People are often proud because they base themselves
on their thinking, their attitudes, the appearance of their body. I can be humble because I
am sure of my base, that is, my being, what I refer to as my deepest self. My humility is
based on my deeper self, based on my quiet deep self, my existence, knowing that I am
acceptable even though others have more abilities than 1 may have. So the reality is that
even though 1 cannot think correctly, cannot handle my feelings, am considered mentally
unwell, I am always acceptable and of worth. My life still has an absolute meaning for
myself and others, especially those who love me.
I believe that the persons who are having mental problems have a great, an almost
insurmountable difficulty in being conscious and aware of their deepest self, although
they can be aware of the thoughts and feelings guiding them. Often in the same way they
feel alone, finding it very difficult to relate at any deep level with other people because
they do not appreciate their deeper self. So also they will not be open to accept serious
feedback until they are open in some sort of relation with the person giving the feedback.
At times they also have difficulty in accepting the other person needing to be respected
and loved.
I believe the basic aim of each of the persons in therapy must be to recognize the
existence of others. I mean recognizing the deeper self of the other as an individual with
whom he or she can honestly and humbly share the deeper self through talking about
thoughts, attitudes and feelings. The main purpose in therapy should be to recognize and
attach to another individual and to question self honestly about what is keeping them
away from relating in a purposeful manner with another person.
What I have written above is an attempt to express in a simple way my understanding of
any therapeutic process. If you wish to question me you are most welcome. We need to
dialogue on our process in order to build up a better understanding of what will be most
helpful in improving the process of therapy. I take this opportunity to inform you that we
are starting another registered society called the Athma Shakti Education and Research
Society. There are two reasons for this. One is that we have a tremendous amount of
material amassed over the years that must become shared research and made known to
others in this field. Some members of staff, who are studying for obtaining higher
degrees, have been earnestly gathering data and preparing thesis for university. Reports
of individual kids are being prepared so the markers in an individual kids progress or lack
of progress can be traced. Also a research society can receive donations that give a 100%
income tax reduction and so hopefully a help in our finances.
24
I thank you for sustaining your relationship with all of us here in this therapeutic
community - of which 1 desire you to be an active member. May all of us enjoy the life
that is ours and that we share with others.
Fr. Hank Nunn S.J.
April 20, 2005
Director
Athma Shakti Vidyalaya
25
Chapter II
The story of Athma Shakthi Vidyalaya
26
Any person who starts to write a story, obviously must be clear on their purpose, or aim.
And now I am that person, coming to write, coming to tell a story, a lived story that has
developed and grown as I have grown and developed within my life over the years here
in Athma Shakti. These years have been consecrated to a special aim, an aim that I have
carried with me now for many years. Long back 1 had come to the realization within
myself that this story of young people discovering that they could overcome the
psychological problems that they had been suffering in their life. I believed that this story
was worth telling and should be told. As time went by I decided to write the story, an
amazing story, a shared story, shared with many people. For some time I had been
hesitating about writing the story, wondering about the value and real worth of presenting
the history of the community as this changing group of individuals had been living
together and on and off for years. After reflecting and giving thought to this project, 1
remembered the many persons who have been requesting me to write this story.
The story was happening, being lived in some degree of awareness, since September
1979. The story needs to be told in the tradition of Athma Shakti Vidyalaya, keeping it
simple but telling the story, accepting the meaning, establishing the possible benefits for
all. I would like all to understand and discern the results of all that took place - the
searching for clear and deeper consciousness, then the setting of goals, the disclosing of
an ability to accept self, learning to function for self with care for self and others.
The lived story was certainly real, with its high points and low points being recognized,
coming forth, reflected upon, opening out as a recital of continuously establishing the
community as a community with the members becoming responsible for each other, each
and every member of the community experiencing acceptance, respect, trust - with all the
members realizing that each person contributes to the shared benefits for all and accepts
to be responsible for causing the community to be therapeutic for all.
This therapeutic approach, the living together in a community where interactions and
relationships are in some manner scrutinized, studied, in order to help each person
experience the changes that are necessary for him or her to make if they are to find and
carry away a satisfying meaning for themselves. Also they learn the special place that
other persons with whom they live their life, living in the community and enhancing their
ability to share their relationships with others after leaving the community.
My friends, truly supportive friends, well wishers and guides believe that a recital of the
beginnings, the development, the continuing experience of a successful therapeutic
community, in which many young persons have found the ability to experience
themselves fully, would be of value to many others. They are interested in the very
unique process created in this community where young mentally ill persons, teen-agers
and adults, have learned to recognize and accept the unsuspected and blocked off
possibilities they have now encountered in the living experience of their lives.
In the process of living and sharing in a community, these mentally disabled have found
that they could decide and change their inner reality. They could discover the willingness
to be open in trusting a guide and so in turn to trust their own ability to understand
themselves and the experience they had been unsuccessfully living. They could then use
their newly realized freedom to choose and decide on the significant beliefs and positive
attitudes that empower a new life, an undreamed of meaningful existence for them. They
27
could realize and experience the power to reach out in unprecedented, purposeful
relationships and attachments to other persons.
At the beginning, at a meeting of a few interested social workers, therapists
psychologists, one evening in 1978 in Oakland, California the decision was agreed upon
to open a therapeutic community in Bangalore. This community would be a therapeutic
community where each and every activity within the community would be directed
towards the well being of each member, which I believe is the Athma Shakti of each
member. In other words, within the community persons with disability would learn
rough dependence and guidance to develop the power of their own spirit, and so
mentaHllnesl^6 SUPPOrt and 8uidance of like minded mentors overcome the vagaries of
Basically Athma Shakti has always been essentially a community with all the social and
healing benefits that are present in community living - friendship, responsibility, mutual
support, ever-present care and understanding healthy dependency, learning from others,
toothers
P0SS'ble’ faC‘ng Up t0 the present Problems of living and adjusting
The main focus has always been on forming a relationship with a guide or mentor, and
also relationships with others, some quite close, others amiable, familiar and convivial.
1 his has been the most helpful treatment modality - relationships. The community
specializes in the holistic psychotherapy treatment of mental illnesses such as
schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, depression and others.
One of the obvious traits a person who has mental problems develops is their inability to
,e at ease with other Persons, their tendency to withdraw and be alone. Many of their
difficulties come from their early life in the family and early school years. These may not
have been resolved, they may have even worsened as they grew and struggled while
trying to find the means to function normally. As they became more aware they
discovered the attitudes and behaviour patterns that would enable them to function
appropriately so they could fit into the family and society. When referring to the cases of
some young men and women, families may be questioned concerning the efforts they
may have made or not made in understanding the source of the problems the young
person has carried with them in their growing years and could not resolve.
The new comer to Athma Shakti is asked to make a contract with the community, making
a formal, open request in a community meeting to be accepted as a member of the
community after stating a promise to “work to get well” and to “help others to get well”.
Once accepted the person will be given the assistance he or she is seeking through the
acceptance by the others. This promised assistance will be in the form of friendly support
and acceptance, plus confrontations and feedback that will help the person wishing to join
the community to become aware of the necessary changes in personality, behaviour and
thinking he or she is invited to make, and the directions given so that he or she can
function appropriately in the community and later return to family and society.
As we begin to talk about purposes and aims 1 must speak about myself, for I have much
to relate and remember. I hope that in the course of this narration of my involvement in
the establishment of Athma Shakti Vidyalaya I can convey how much this has been a
tremendous growing experience for me personally. I believe the development of the
28
whole experience was intriguing and soulful. Rather 1 can almost call it a best experience
as 1 did what I believe God wanted me to do, as 1 was supported by my religious
superiors to deviate from the usual religious avocation and routine. I count the permission
1 was given as a great blessing given to me. Living my life as the director of our
therapeutic community has been an opportunity, a blessing, and an endowment.
The number of relationships that have come into my life have exceeded any gift I could
ever have expected in my life. All that I have gained and learned over the years, the
richness in relationships with the persons who have come for help or have been sent for
rehabilitation I will always be grateful for. And the numerous others who have come for
assistance have all been part of an experience that has been unique for me, and given me
an experience I shall always appreciate.
1 find myself thinking to myself now that soon after I finish writing this history of Athma
Shakti Vidyalaya and my involvement with that history, 1 would like to write a book on
spirituality given the many numerous insights into the spiritual life of the human
personality that I have gained over the years.
But now I have to be preoccupied with making the therapeutic process that we follow
here capable of leading more young adults, men and women, to be fully conscious of the
various feelings, memories, attitudes that they may be experiencing within themselves
and the manner in which they handle or cope with those reactions.
My purpose through this present writing comes from my own desire to satisfy the persons
who have been insisting that I write about how I engaged myself for the past 30 years in
instigating and continuing to develop a process of healing, a healing process that has been
continuously developing. I realized that I could be of assistance to young men and
women who have been sidetracked and have lost the simple, clear acceptance of
themselves. Other persons have been pushing me to write, those who seem to believe that
I have been in some manner the instrument that has enabled them as persons to overcome
their mental problems.
The story of Athma Shakti really grows out of the story of my own life in the 1970s, and I
will have to refer to the various developments in my life over the last fifty years as I tell
the story of the developments that brought this therapeutic community into existence.
Over the years I have always been hesitating to write, for my experience has told me
that there is usually very little interest among the general public concerning the serious
and debilitating problems that the mentally ill have to unravel and free themselves of if
they are to live a meaningful life. Many young people have had their families quite
shattered because of mental illness, and I believe that a recital of the beginnings, the
development, the continuing experience of a successful therapeutic community might be
of great benefit for families who would be interested in learning how some other families
and some individuals have been able to overcome the disaffection and discontinuity of
normal family life by mental illness.
Many young persons have found the ability to experience themselves in a fully
reasonable and remarkable life. From its beginnings in 1979, the Athma Shakti
community has followed a creative and innovative approach that is holistic with the
29
integration of many mind-body techniques of treatment where emphasis is placed on
interactive, experiential group work and individual therapy work.
The daily routine of community living enables the members to form relationships with
each other and staff members. Also emphasis s always placed on the mutual bonding
process with a therapist, through which the needy patient incorporates new values and
beliefs leading to a new acceptance of self and a willingness to take responsibility for
self. Through this process of dependency, the patient establishes his or her independence
in a healthy manner. The person experiences their need to develop strengthening, shared
relations as they learn to appreciate the necessary interactions and dependency that gives
them the appreciation of self and the ability to make choices concerning the strength of
their personality.
I guess I should go back to the roots of my own wanderlust, for this has been operative
throughout my life. I first began to travel in 1951 when at the age of 21 I left my home in
Halifax, the main city of Nova Scotia, a province of Canada on the eastern seaboard of
Canada. In the old days, when 1 was a small boy, Halifax with its beautiful protected
harbour and fair climate has always been a much sought for recreational spot in the
summer months. It has always been considered one of the best harbours in the world. It is
the one harbour high up on the Eastern seaboard of America which does not freeze in the
winter, a very valuable asset in the days when most commerce and trade still traveled by
sea.
During the Second World War (1939-1945) the inner harbour of Halifax could
accommodate as many as 300 freight ships or tankers. This was necessary as the ships
had to assemble and then cross the ocean to Europe in a closely knit convoy to avoid the
German submarines waiting to torpedo them. As a young boy I enjoyed watching all the
boats leave the harbour, then had to later see a few crippled freighters limping back into
the harbour after being attacked on the high seas. In those days we were quite involved in
the Second World War - one 23 year old brother, left home, joined and became an officer
in the Army and fought in North Africa, Italy, and then finally just at the end of war was
killed in Europe fighting in Belgium. We were upset and disappointed for we learned of
his death two days after the war was over while we were celebrating the end of the war.
My other brother was also in the same war, in the Canadian Air Force. He was always
fairly safe as he was engaged almost all the war in flying, really ferrying, large airplanes
across the Atlantic Ocean to England. These planes, produced by the United States, then
were used for high altitude bombing raids on the cities of Germany and occupied Europe.
He did not take part in any of the many bombing raids over Germany as he was busy
flying over replacements for the airplanes that had been shot down by the enemy.
Fortunately he returned safe when the war ended.
So from hearing of these experiences and this type of travel activity when young, it is no
surprise that I did not have any problem leaving home at twenty-one years of age and
never returned to stay for more than a few days in my home city. After some uncertainty
about the direction of my life, I realized that I had to settle on my choice of a future, for
two years after graduating with a general Arts degree, I still had no firm outlook, no clear
thinking one way or the other whether to continue my studies or find a job. I was quite
content to be involved in sports activities, having done well in rowing and in Canadian
30
football. 1 had not decided the direction of my life. From time to time I realized 1 had to
settle my choice of a future, and make it firm. I was fairly happy, had friends but was not
working towards a future, and had a father insisting 1 organize my future and become
employed.
Two years after graduating I still had no firm outlook, whether to continue studies or not.
After reflection I decided that I could possibly join the religious men who were my
college professors. After some reflection I made my decision firm by joining the religious
society of the men who had been my college professors. 1 have always been happy with
the same firmness in my choice, something I have never regretted. I thank myself each
day that I made that decision. It meant leaving home and traveling many miles to the
center of Canada, to an area where I had never been. The first four years of serious Jesuit
training, years of personal development and study, were spent with my own English
Canadian group, but the next two years were spent studying philosophy with the French
Canadian Jesuit group. After that my world was broken open, for 1 was chosen to join the
French Canadian Jesuits teaching high school boys in Ethiopia.
At that time there were only two government high schools in Ethiopia, one manned by
the Canadian Jesuits, the other in the southern part of the country manned by a group of
Swedish teachers. For the time being with eight other Canadians I was an employee of
the Ethiopian Government involved in education with airfare from Canada, salaries and a
large bungalow supplied. Among ourselves we spoke French while we taught in English,
with myself teaching the students for the O-level school leaving English exam set by
Cambridge University. I managed to have some of the village boys pass those O-level
exams, for them a first move ahead. The successful boys moved on from me to the other
Canadian Jesuit educational institution in the country - the Haile Selassie University then the only higher education facility in Ethiopia.
Since my contract with the Ethiopian Government was only for three years, I was slated
to go back to Canada and be with the Jesuits in their various works there. At first I was to
study four years of theology, and in that process become an ordained priest and after
another year of special studies be considered a fully fledged Jesuit posted in one of the
Jesuit schools in Canada or sent for any further university studies to follow in order to
teach in one of the Jesuit schools or colleges in Canada. Yet after the very interesting and
almost exotic years in Ethiopia, I felt that being in Canada would probably be too drab
and uninteresting. I have always wanted to be engaged in some endeavour that would
have colour, openness, be absorbing and relevant in today’s world. Canada, I believed,
had usually been considered a staid and quiet country, with its cold and icy winters, its
citizens serious and self-restrained, and so not all that interesting (except for its amazing
ice hockey games). 1 was to amass some very rewarding memories in Africa - being
stranded on the shore of Somalia when our jeep became stuck in the sand, after a huge
unexpected tropical rain storm. Luckily, Somalia was still at that time a colony of
England so we had the local police officer’s bungalow to stay in with a diet of camel’s
milk and goat meat. After three days we managed to get a spare battery and drive into
Dijbouti, then still a French colony.
Besides the adventure of bringing these village boys to the level of writing an English
essay, the trips and campings with the school boys, encountering the free wild life from
close up gave me a whole swarm of memories that have remained with me.
31
Ethiopia struck me with the travel bug so well that the prospect of returning to Canada
and settling down for the duration did not appear so interesting. I had enjoyed Ethiopia,
with its varied landscapes, with its different customs and primitive tribes evolving and
coping with the intervening modern civilization. As I was breaking into its complicated
but beautiful customs and practices, 1 had really enjoyed teaching those eager village
boys. Their enthusiasm to learn had been exciting to experience. I realize that I stumbled
or may be just slipped unawares into the captivating and fascinating study of the human
personality.
One rewarding experience I had with them I will always remember well. We had taught
the senior boys to play softball - an easier form of baseball which is itself the American
national game. We had four teams in a softball league we had formed in Addis-Ababa our school team, the team of the Jesuit college, the Ethiopian Airlines team, (made up
mostly of expat Americans), and a team of American soldiers who were training the
Ethiopian Army at that time. Our school team was made up of the schoolboys plus
myself. When young in Canada I had played a lot of softball as a catcher. The catcher in
softball resembles the wicket-keeper in cricket.
Because of many small happenings 1 have always appreciated and in some way felt proud
of my three year stay of teaching and supervising students in Ethiopia. We were nine of
us Canadian Jesuits administrating the residential school, invited employees of the
Ethiopian government. For three years I taught the top English classes, preparing students
for the Cambridge O-level English language paper. One proud achievement I took away
with me from teaching those boys was that for the first time some of our students
managed to pass the O-level English exam. Another proud achievement was the Saturday
afternoon when our school team - consisting of the boys, who had learned to play softball
in the school, plus myself, defeated the team made up of American soldiers.
At the end of my contract of three years 1 was not very interested in returning and settling
down to a quiet life in Canada. I had never expected that I would be sent to be a teacher
in Ethiopia and had had a wonderful time even though there had been difficulties. I had
never experienced how interesting life can be on the other side of world. I now had come
in contact with the less fortunate people in this world and decided that the usual protected
life in Canada seemed too orderly, not so creative. So 1 asked that rather than go back to
Canada I could join the English Canadian Jesuits who had been working in India since
1946. My request was accepted but I was called to return to Canada for some time before
moving to India. I spent two months in Canada and then was told to accompany an older
priest who was returning to India. On arrival in India I was asked to move up to
Darjeeling in order to give guidance to the senior students in the Jesuit boys’ school
there. These boys from Calcutta and other cities had to spend nine months of the year
holed up as residents in a boarding school with the most beautiful view of the Himalayas
which after a few years they did not quite appreciate as much. For some of them the life
in the more interesting cafes in Calcutta seemed definitely more interesting. The school is
a recognized and valued school which has been educating an elite group of students for
almost a hundred years on a beautiful corner of the hills near Darjeeling. The school was
established - it is the type of school that has always been considered "‘established”.
Originally it was recognized as worthy enough for the sons of the British establishment in
India. Established in the 1880s it was also open to the vintage royalties of the Himalayas
32
and also was open to accept students from the neighboring English colonies as Burma
and Nepal.
In Ethiopia I had lived at nine thousand feet of altitude, for Addis Ababa is situated on
the western plateau, that is, one side of the Rift Valley which runs through what is often
called the horn of Africa. 1 thought that coming to Darjeeling at nine thousand feet would
be interesting, especially after seeing the photos of the beautiful Himalayan summits that
could be seen from Darjeeling.
I had enjoyed those three years in Ethiopia, and finished my allotted time in my contract.
In the normal course of my training 1 was due to return to Canada and studies and
training to be an ordained priest, ready to take up the priestly role, something I had
decided upon so many years before when I left my home in Halifax, Canada. In the usual
run of the system I would be in Canada studying four years to become an ordained
minister of the Roman Catholic church. Again I was outspoken and spoke my mind and
made a decisive decision in stating that I did not want to remain in Canada for my life.
The wanderlust was becoming stronger in me. So 1 asked my superiors in Canada if I
could go straight to India from Ethiopia. That was refused so 1 returned to Canada, spent
a short time in a Jesuit school in Canada and reiterated my request to be with the other
Canadian Jesuits now in Darjeeling in the north of India. My request was then accepted.
My return trip to India was to be by ship - from New York to Naples and then from
Naples to Bombay. All of this answered to my desire for adventure and discovery. 1 was
accompanying an older Canadian Jesuit priest, who was returning to St. Joseph’s College
School in Darjeeling, where he had been teaching for years already. We left from New
York on a luxury liner to cross the ocean for as yet there were no Boeing 707s shifting
people all over the world. We went New York to Naples in Italy - visited Rome for a
couple of days, then boarded another passenger ship sailing from Naples to Hong Kong.
We disembarked at Bombay, and then with our accompanying boxes of luggage and
books took the train to Calcutta, and then to Darjeeling. . I was slated to help out as a
warden in St. Joseph’s College School in Darjeeling until my theology studies and Nepali
language studies would begin after a couple of months. After my experiences
shepherding village boys in Ethiopia for a short time I was now shepherding more
sophisticated boys of northern India in their schooling in Darjeeling. .
These boys from Calcutta and other areas of the north east India had to spend ten months
of the year away from their parents holed up as boarders in one the famous schools of
learning in Darjeeling, North Point, as St. Joseph’s was known. It is a recognized and
valued school which has been educating an elite group of students for almost a hundred
years on a beautiful corner of the hills near Darjeeling. Originally it was recognized as
worthy for the sons of the English tea planters and the civil servants of the British raj.
Established in the 1880s it was also open to the vintage royalties of the Himalayas and
also accepted students from the neighbouring English colonies as Burma and Ceylon.
Many generations of tea planters had gone through their schooling in North Point.
1 spent a year or so attached to the North Point School in Darjeeling, not so much
teaching but as caretaking to see to student discipline, engaging the students in athletic
and drama activities that were to educate and bring about the roundabout personal
development of these young men into becoming worldly wise gentlemen. I believe that
33
that activity had a role in bringing me to move into the psychological field and become
involved in the personal development of so many individuals.
A good many of my evenings were spent in counseling students who found the nine
month stay in the school stuck up in the hills away from their regular delights in Calcutta
or other cities or places like Burma or Thailand. To maintain a smooth school for the 350
resident students and 100 local boys it was necessary to keep those boys busy and active.
The few local boys in the school could look after themselves. And of course you had to
have a winner. Your teams had to do better than the teams of the rival schools and, of
course, keep the traditions of the past alive and active.
I found that students will appreciate plays and drama very much. I even won the trust of
the Reverend Sisters of the girls’ school and was able to break the solemn rules and have
boys and girls act in dramas together. One of the real pleasures that I had in those years
was in the evenings when I was directing the cast of a play, for example, “A Man for All
Seasons” or “The Diary of Anne Frank”. Young people can learn so very much going
through the intensive effort needed to finally bring a well appreciated, absorbing
presentation before the audience.
I believe young people can learn so very much about their own personality, about the
choices they are able to follow through and develop if they wish, about the satisfaction of
knowing that they are being appreciated. All of this gives them the courage to grow, and
enables them to appreciate their value. One of the boys 1 directed went on to have a long
lasting career, up till recently, in Holywood.
After all I had joined the Jesuit group of religious men in order to finally function as a
Catholic priest. So the time came when I had to go through this final training that goes for
four or five years. This study I would do in India, in fact, in the very area where I was in
the foothills of the Himalayas, in Darjeeling. The Jesuit study house had been established
many years before on a hill not far from Darjeeling. Young Jesuits came from all over
India to do their final studies at this study house. The studies covered the religious
doctrine of the Catholic Church, the history of the Church and the growth of its various
beliefs, the study of other religious beliefs, the Christian Scriptures, the life of Christ. The
professors, priests themselves, some Belgians and some Indians were learned scholars,
men who had dedicated their life to study, teaching and writing. Since they realized that
the men they prepared for the priestly work might be so busy in the remote villages and
plains of India they might never study again, it was necessary to make sure they absorbed
the religious doctrine and knowledge offered to them.
This meant that I would stay attached to that study house from 1963 to 1967 and after
spending some time teaching in a school in Kurseong, India and then later in a Hindi
medium school in the plains area in the terai in North Bengal. Then I was called to take
charge of the students at St. Joseph’s School, in Darjeeling. Existent from the 1800s, this
is an old famous boarding school, originally developed to educate the sons of the tea
garden planters of North Bengal. I joined in 1968 as the director of all the boarding,
discipline and games and all the extra circular activities of the students, later becoming
Headmaster in 1972.
I enjoyed my stay in the school during those years, ft was fortunate to have the
government Himalayan Mountaineering Institute just across the road from the school. I
34
had the Sherpa instructors train the boys in mountain work, rock climbing, trekking, etc. I
developed a great respect for the Sherpas who could put the students through a very
tough five or six days of trekking up to ten - twelve thousand feet, then down to four
thousand - always carrying their food and equipment. The boys learned rock climbing
from Tenzing Norgay, who told me he had been with three unsuccessful attempts to reach
the summit of Everest until he and Edmund Hilary were successful. I stayed with the
boys at the Mountaineering Institute for 25 days during the monsoon season. The course
had to be in that season since the Sherpa guides were free only then. The course just had
to be fitted in for it was as a training course very much worth it. I found that it could give
the boys many opportunities to increase their own belief in themselves. Years later when
by chance I came in contact with any of the boys, now successful business men, they
would always mention the challenge of the adventure course and how thankful they were
for the mountaineering course. What the students went through on the course, the
slogging up through the hills in the rainy season, I have always been proud to say, I went
through with them a number of times.
In 1977 1 was relieved from my position in the school and given an opportunity to return
to Canada. I myself 1 needed a change. I had the choice to discuss what further program I
would want to set for myself. I decided that 1 was not too happy to join the faculty of
another Jesuit school in India and asked to take a break by going back to Canada. My
intention was to spend some time with two Jesuit friends with whom I had started my
Jesuit career. These men had spent some years deeply studying our Jesuit spirituality and
had been able to establish a special centre studying our Jesuit spirituality just outside
Toronto. These men were friends from my beginning days as a Jesuit so I asked to spend
some time with them in more study in the foundations of our Jesuit spirituality. And so I
spent some months studying the foundations of our Jesuit spirituality. I also took up the
work of directing other religious men and women in our Jesuit spirituality. My Jesuit
friends asked me to remain with them at their centre at Guelph, just north of Toronto. .
As I was settling back into Canada, 1 was missing the sights and the life of India, and was
educating myself to remain in Canada. 1 became accustomed to the Canadian weather I
had left many years before. I was busy enough, directing religious priests and sisters who
would come for counseling or spiritual direction to the Jesuit centre in Guelph. 1 was
involved in giving courses for priests and sisters who wanted to be spiritual directors and
guides for young men and women. Some of these men were involved in taking care of
street people and others less fortunate.
This was in 1976-77 when I was in our Guelph center but commuting from time to time
to the counseling and retreat center in Toronto where also I had a room. In fact, the story
of Athma Shakti really began at this time for I was reading all the psychology books and
human personal growth books I could find. It was some time in July or August 1978 that
some worried parents talked with me in Ashirvad, and asked me if I could establish a
counseling centre at Ashirvad or at any other location in Bangalore for the treatment of
young adults who were suffering from personal adjustment problems, drug problems and
even serious emotional mental problems such as schizophrenia, etc. These parents had
found out that 1 had been in contact with Jacqui Lee Schiff, an American social worker
and guide who had been visiting India at a few years before.
35
Now I have to move back in my story to relate the story of how Jacqui Lee Schiff and
myself became friends and finally launched out as we did in the move to bring help to
young schizophrenics and other mentally disordered young adults. The story - and it is
quite a story - and is an ongoing story - for it continues on today. When I was
Headmaster of St. Joseph s School in Darjeeling I felt that 1 needed more training for
myself in the fundamentals of non-directive counseling. In fact 1 realized that all the
teachers in the school should undergo some sort of training in counseling if we were to
prepare the students to be able to accept their present lives in the school and to be ready
to face the future that they would all have to face after leaving the school.
Most of the students entered the school in class one. Their school year began in February
in the near freezing cold of Darjeeling, ending in the middle of November. Only then
would the students return to their homes. Oh, you could have beautiful days in Darjeeling
- amazing views of the glorious mountains - but you also have to remember the rain and
cold winds. Yes, there were lots of games, dramas, and outings but students would meet
parents or family maybe once in the nine months. North Point School, as St. Joseph’s was
called because of its position on the north point side of the hill looking at the mountain
range in the distance, kept its students almost nine months of the year for ten or twelve
years.
It is amazing how well the students over the years learned to cope with their situation.
Really they did wonderfully well. They managed to become accustomed to the routine.
I heir young spirits enabled them to make some surprising things happen - terrific
football games, entertaining plays, playing jokes on each other. Earlier on the Jesuits had
invented the best formula that could be used to manage a group 375 young boys in a
situation where they had to live in large dormitories of about a hundred boys each, study
together in large study halls, eat in large dining halls, throughout nine months of the year,
all supervised so that there would not be any serious discipline problems. There was a
remarkable, simple formula that enabled the whole school to go on smoothly. Each boy
was allotted to one of four groups, (or “houses” as they are called) and he stayed allotted
to that house or group all year long. The engine for this caretaking process was
competition for each person could win or lose points for his “house” and there were
privileges and outings to be won.
So as Headmaster of the school, especially of a large boarding school, I had long wanted
all the members of the staff to learn the basic fundamentals of counseling and some basic
psychology. Because I had felt I needed training myself, especially in the fundamentals
of non-directive counseling I had contacted Carlos and Saroj Welch, who with Dr.
Prashantem and his wife had created the Christian Counselling Centre attached to the
Christian Medical College in Vellore, Tamilnadu. I invited Carlos and Saroj Welch to
spend a month in the school in 1973 and again in 1975. I allowed Carlos and Saroj free
movement in and out of classes and they enjoyed being in the school. The students
benefited from their presence. And I made the offer to sponsor any of the staff if they
wished to go to Vellore and take the full course of training if they wished.
I had found that the training was very good and had been of great help to the teachers.
The students also benefited from the counseling for they had the usual problems of
teenagers, with a few angry just because they had to be at school away from home.
36
When at St. Joseph’s looking after the students I realized more and more the importance
of the attitudes and feelings that influence and affect individuals’ lives, and so in a way 1
was unconsciously moving slowly to Athma Shakti Vidyalaya.
When I left St. Joseph’s in 1976 and moved to Canada I took some months to study my
own spiritual life history under a couple of Jesuits who were directing the institute they
had started a few years before in Guelph. These were men whom I had known because
we had been together in our early training as Jesuits. They were a great help to me,
especially when they invited me to join them in their spiritual guidance and retreat work.
I was relieved because at that time I didn’t have see any definite plans as to what
assignment I preferred to be given in Canada, when I really was desirous of returning to
India.
Since I was moving into more counseling for people at Ashirvad in Bangalore, I decided
to take a year's course in psychological counseling in Vellore with Carlos and Saroj
Welch at the Christian Counselling Centre attached to the hospital there. There were four
of us who signed up for this course, one was one of the teachers who had been working
with me in Darjeeling, another was an older religious sister who had spent her life as a
medical doctor, and a young man who was a social worker. So during 1978 I commuted
quite regularly between Bangalore and Vellore to follow the course. The lectures during
the course were very helpful and with only four of us on the course we had many patients
to speak with in the large hospital. It was a very good learning experience.
While I was at Vellore at that time Jacqui Lee Schiff came to spend a few weeks with the
Welchs. The Welchs had been under training with Jacqui in California and were still
receiving supervision from Jacqui at the time when I visited. They were starting a therapy
session with a young man who was having serious mental problems. He was placed in the
hostel where 1 was staying and I was asked to supervise his behavior and personal
activities. Also since a fourth bridge player was needed in the house I ended up being
Jacqui’s partner in all the bridge games.
Little did I realize at that time that those bridge games would bring about a change that
would break open or redirect the course of my future. There were small developments
that I seemed to have no control over but which persuaded me to put a new direction in
my life. This happening I had nothing to do with and did not expect. It all happened
between two Jesuit friends of mine who happened to have a chance meeting in
Bangalore. Fr. Ronnie Prabhu who, at that time was taking over the administration of the
Jesuit drop-in care centre and educational centre called Ashirvad in the centre of
Bangalore, happened to meet another Jesuit, this time an Australian, Fr. Paddy Meagher,
who was a professor of Catholic Scripture at the Jesuit centre in Delhi. Together they
were discussing the future of the Ashirvad centre in Bangalore. Ronnie told Paddy that he
was searching for a Jesuit who would be able to direct and to teach others to be able to
direct others in the Jesuit eight-day and 30-day spiritual exercises at Ashirvad and also to
train counselors. 1 do not know whether Paddy thought for some time, or immediately
answered. What he did do was to answer Ronnie that there was this Canadian friend
whom he had studied with many years before in the Jesuit study house in the Himalayas.
He said this man had returned to Canada and was at a Jesuit centre near Toronto at
present teaching other Jesuits and religious people the methodology of developing a
spiritual life based on the Spiritual Exercises, the book that was aiding many, many
37
religious people to develop and find a meaningful spiritual direction in their lives. So
Paddy finished by telling Ronnie to call Hank and see if he would be able to come to
Ashirvad, which Ronnie did and so I found myself making arrangements to settle down
in Bangalore, which I have never regretted.
That was in 1978. I was to come to Bangalore to give religious men and women training
so they could develop and enrich their own spirituality and in turn bring help and
assistance to impart this same knowledge to other interested persons who wished to
develop and enrich their spirituality. This training in spirituality was to be based on the
tradition of the Jesuit spirituality. Ignatius was a nobleman, a leader in one of the small
petty kingdoms in Spain in the 1500’s. They were fighting the Mores, the Moslems, who
were busy moving to take over Catholic Spain. Ignatius’ family controlled one small
feudal province or kingdom. One day in battling against great odds one of Ignatius’s legs
was badly damaged just below the knee. He was taken home to their small castle where
he was treated with whatever was possible at that time. So Ignatius had to remain in bed
for many months. He became very upset because the damage to his leg had resulted in a
projection on the injured knee bone protruding out quite unseemly through his silk
stocking. In those times a knight wore knee length silk stockings. Ignatius was very upset
with the condition and so had had the bone broken again so the problem would not be so
noticeable. He went through months of agony in order to satisfy his vanity. Such was the
vanity of the man who would one day go on pilgrimage in sackcloth and ashes, and leave
his sword as a thrown away souvenir decorating the church inner wall.
Before, when the wounded Ignatius was lying in bed helpless, he had his family bring
reading material. There were three books in the house — one of romantic short stories, the
others being stories of the lives of the saints. He began to spend time reading and
reflecting. And he went through an exercise such that could be recorded for a psychology
textbook on the study of feelings when making a decision. In the process of his reading,
Ignatius used to break off and then remain thinking for some time. This happened over a
period of weeks. Ignatius began to keep track of the feelings he was having as he took
time quietly reflecting after the readings. He began to become aware that when he rested
from leading the book of romantic stories he would often feel restless and ill at ease, but
when he lay down the books of the saints he felt at peace and could go on for some times
feeling at ease and comforted. Also as he reflected, he began to day dream and to have
the idea of becoming active again and then doing some remarkable adventures with other
holy men for Christ.
He realized that he felt quite happy and fulfilled when he dreamed of doing these great
adventures for Christ. And he began to reflect quietly for longer periods gradually he
came to the idea that, when well enough, he would set out to do some great exploits for
Christ.
He became well enough to leave his bed and move out. So he decided he would go on a
pilgrimage, a holy trip in faith to some of the churches or chapels away from his castle.
This he planned out very minutely and one evening did set out from his home. He went
on pilgrimage and then stopped at a church that was considered a holy shrine, hung up his
sword on the wall behind Our Lady’s statue, and spent the whole night praying and
offering himself to God forever. And so he made the move of his life. He never returned
home, going off as a mendicant beggar in prayer. What was his intention? To break with
38
the past, to free himself as for a new life, quietly declaring that he would follow whatever
God, his new Lord and chosen Leader might make known for him to go.
He settled down in a cave close to a very old shrine, quietly meditating, fasting, noticing
and tracking very carefully his interior thoughts and feelings - searching clarity and
acceptance within himself as he became an expert in considering his inner thoughts and
feelings. Really he was searching from the reactions in his mind and feelings what he
should do with himself in order to fulfill God’s plan for him in his life. He had long
realized that the political problems of his country and in other countries of Europe could
not be solved by battles. Peace and prosperity could only come from persons changing
their attitudes, their feelings, their hearts and coming to agreements and mutual
acceptance.
For Ignatius it meant going back - as a grown man - to primary school, to learn the
languages necessary, to learn to study philosophy, law, geography. And as a group of
young men began to assemble around him at the University of Paris, he began to imagine
a future group of men dedicated to the harmonious welfare, education and health of all, in
a world where people would be consciously striving to find within their lives the will of
God and to live according to that will as much as possible. People often came to him,
listened him, amazed at his quiet spiritual strength and learning, although he had never
studied any scriptures or doctrine. He began to imagine a future group of men around him
dedicated to the harmonious welfare, education and health of all. His followers, he
planned, would be fully educated in order to bring harmonious welfare to others,
especially to the poor. He realized the need of learning and study in order to counteract
the various ambiguous and false philosophies being taught in the universities and colleges
of his time. That handful of men, most of whom he met when he joined the universities,
became his friends and close followers. That group became the Society of Jesus, the
group of Jesuits today, through the whole world involved in the betterment of all.
Now we have to go back to my good friends Ronnie and Paddy discussing my coming
back to India, and being stationed at Ashirvad, involved in counseling the young persons
who come there for counseling and directing the Christian men and women religious
persons who would be coming to Ashirvad for spiritual direction and training sessions in
Christian mental prayer. The training sessions would be of a week or two weeks with
special inputs on guidance in this field of spiritual development. Also, Ashirvad, being
quite close to Brigade Road and other popular areas of Bangalore that were being caught
in the menace of recreational drugs made us all realize that we had to do something. At
least the parents and families were asking us to do whatever could be done to support the
disturbed young men who had fallen into the hands of the drug dealers of Brigade road,
just around the corner from Ashirvad. In the situation, many parents were quite lost and
searching for guidance and support. After eight years of guiding residential students from
Class One to Senior Cambridge level, 1 had lots of experience handling upsets and the
difficult, unresponsive tendencies.
A year later I was busy in Bangalore giving lectures and spiritual guidance to our groups
in Ashirvad. This quiet time was not to last very long for me. The Welchs, from whom I
had learned so much years ago in Vellore, were now settled in Delhi, and one evening
Saroj Welch made a more or less frantic phone call to me. 1 was occupied in Ashirvad
giving lectures to a group. It was because of these commitments in Bangalore that 1 had
39
given no thought of attending the annual Transactional Analysis Conference being held at
that week in Delhi, although I had been asked to attend. Saroj told me that the conference
was finishing that evening and Saroj was requesting me insistently and urgently to fly
immediately to Delhi in order to meet with Jacqui Schiff who had come to Delhi for the
conference. Since 1 knew Jacqui from the days in Vellore, it was not always possible to
verify just what Jacqui might really want I agreed to fly up to Delhi and be present that
evening at the reception at the end of their conference.
When I arrived at the post conference party Saroj led me to a quiet corner where Jacqui
and I could talk undisturbed. Jacqui immediately launched out with her proposal, or
rather her problem, which I was supposed to solve, something I ended up doing quite
often in Bangalore. It turned out that Jacqui was having some serious problems at her
center in California and would have to give up her work there. The alternative she was
presenting was to bring a group of young men and women from the center in California
and establish a treatment center for young adults with serious mental problems in India. It
appeared that theorists in the United States disagreed with some of Jacqui’s procedures in
her treatment of the young men and women who had joined her community for treatment.
There had also been an accident in her community that was being investigated and it was
quite doubtful that Jacqui could continue practicing psychotherapy in her style as she was
doing at that time.
And so the question was whether I was willing to help Jacqui out by inviting her to come
and continue her work in India. I have always been on the positive side, ready and willing
if I believe there is merit in the request and that many persons may benefit as a result of
my decision. So we discussed the questions, the pros and cons. This turned out to be not
Jacqui’s request alone, but a request from some people who knew of Jacqui and had
attended her talks. Others had heard of her and wanted her to settle in India so that young
people with severe mental problems could benefit from her presence. As I listened I
realized that this was really worth taking up, for many people could have the benefit of
her experience. I realized that it would demand much from me, knowing myself as
someone usually taking up what is new or animating, 1 decided that this was really the
way to go. Still, as it was really happening, this agreement, this willingness to go ahead,
would add a whole new dimension to my life, moving into something that would take
time and mean a serious commitment on my part. 1 had already met young people with
Jacqui, who had been through Jacqui’s treatment center, especially two young men who
had had their share of serious problems and were now excellent psychotherapists, very
aware, thoughtful and cautious in their advice. So 1 agreed to help Jacqui continue her
work, but here in India. I would in some manner god-father her project so she could get
started, little realizing that 1 would be still involved until today.
1 agreed t0 tentatively go ahead, came back to Bangalore and thought of all the
possibilities and requirements and problems that were sprouting in front of me, as
happened from that time on. This turned out not to be Jacqui’s request alone, but a
request from many people who knew Jacqui and had attended her talks and wanted her to
settle in India so young people could have the benefit of her experience. I knew that it
would demand much from me. My intuition remained that this was really the way to go
ahead, that it would add a whole new addition to my life, in something that would take
time and mean a serious commitment on my part.
40
I had made my commitment to serve God in my life by joining the Society of Jesus in
Guelph, Canada in August 1951, a life-long commitment to God by joining with a
Catholic religious group of men who took solemn promises which meant a following of
Jesus Christ by dedicating one’s life to the cause of bettering the lives of others who were
less fortunate in life. So I was agreeing to take responsibility for a deeper, further aspect
of that “bettering the lives of those less fortunate”. I realized that my life would become
much more demanding, much more interesting. I knew and was aware that 1 was
committed to learn very much more concerning all the intricacies of mental illness. In my
life I had met former students who had to leave their studies because of mental problems.
I could be of assistance to many wonderful companions who were willing to dedicate
their lives for the health of others.
It might be interesting here to mention one of the values of my personal philosophy has
always been a sort of “go with it” attitude - “take the chance”, “take the opportunity”,
“situations work out”, “trust in the future” , “give it a try”. So I believed that there was a
strong “go with it” flavour as I agreed to help set up something in India, in Bangalore.
I had gone with it when I left my home city on the eastern seacoast of Canada and went
to join the Jesuits in the central Provinces of Canada far away from home, and stayed
there for four years. I was then sent down for two years to Montreal, in those days the
strong French part of Canada where my studies in philosophy were a mix from Latin,
Greek, French and finally English. Then I had a much more surprising move. At the end
the study year when I studied the notice board for my assignment for the coming three
years it was difficult to find my name. I discovered my name on the far side of the notice
board for those leaving Canada and going abroad. I learned that I was being sent to be a
teacher in Addis-Ababa, Ethiopia.
Often people ask me how did the wanderlust creep into my personality? It is not that I
like to run away, rather it is my desire to experience the new, the different. Since that first
assignment abroad I have always enjoyed being wherever I finally find myself, especially
in the heights or hilly areas,. The school in Addis-Ababa, at 9 thousand feet was just fine
for me. It was just along the road from the Emperor’s huge palace and the eight or so big
lions he had caged in the traffic roundabout in front of his palace. Every so often one of
the Emperor’s personal bodyguards would show up on our football field with a lion on a
leach - but he did have a pistol in his back pocket. Next to the school were the barracks,
garages and workshops of the Imperial Bodyguard. In those days Emperor Haile Salassi
was engaged in bringing the various tribal groups in the whole country of Ethiopia to
recognize his supremacy.
I was to join the other eight Canadian Jesuits who were already living and teaching at the
school. It was completely a government school with a large dormitory building, which
could accommodate about 450 boys. The classrooms and playing fields were well spread
out. We Jesuits lived in two bungalows built in a separate area off from the playing
fields. It was a very special school, a project of the Ethiopian government, to have an
English medium high school, the only English medium high school in Addis-Ababa at
that time. I found the assignment to Addis Ababa was quite an experience, and have
always kept some very meaningful and appreciative memories of my stay in Ethiopia.
According to our contract with the Ethiopian government our appointment came attached
with a first class return air ticket from Montreal to Addis. The American pilot who landed
41
us in Addis Ababa in the old DC3 (one side of the passenger cabin had a row of seats
against the wall - the other side was all stacked up with cargo) proved to us in his flying
that he was still a cowboy. All of us Jesuits who were chosen to go to Addis for the high
school or college were hired by the Ethiopian Government office in Montreal, Canada,
with the stipulation we were never to show or manifest any external sign of our Roman
Catholic religious affiliation, or speak about our religious views or beliefs while we were
in any part of Ethiopia. I his was in force even though the Ethiopian government at that
time was strictly affiliated to the Coptic Christian beliefs. In the country itself every other
religion was present, with the Moslems strong in the southern coastal part of country. At
meal times my duty was to have all the boys settled for the meal and then the Coptic
priest from the small church we had on the school compound would give the blessing.
These were poor boys, selected by the Ethiopian government from the villages.
We were eight of us, Canadian Jesuits making the school function. For three years I
taught the top English classes, preparing students for the Cambridge O-level English
Language paper, which, through our efforts, we had some of them manage to pass. Then
they could move on to the Canadian Jesuits who had founded the institute that became
the University in another part of Addis Ababa.
I enjoyed those three years in Ethiopia, especially camping trips and outings in the bush
to enjoy the wild life. When I had finished my allotted time on my contract and was due
to return to Canada and continue my studies and training to become an ordained priest,
ready to take up the priestly role, something that I had decided upon so many years
before when I had left my home in Halifax, Canada. In the usual run of my future I would
be in Canada studying four years to become an ordained minister of the Roman Catholic
Church. Again I was outspoken and spoke my mind, and made a decisive change because
I did not want to remain in Canada. The wanderlust was becoming stronger in me. I asked
my superiors in Canada if I could go straight to India from Ethiopia. That was refused so
I returned to Canada, spent a year in our Jesuit schools in Canada and reiterated my
request to be with the other Canadian Jesuits now in Darjeeling in the north of India. My
request was accepted and so I was assigned for four years to the Jesuit house of studies at
Kurseong twenty miles from Darjeeling. I finistred the studies, was ordained a priest and
then spent time in the Nepali boys’ school in Kurseong teaching English to the local boys
thiough the British Council s latest methodology. In 1968 I was sent to North Point
School in Darjeeling, becoming Headmaster until 1977 when I returned to Canada for a
break. I returned to India and Bangalore in 1978 and then was instrumental in organizing
the counseling and retreat work at Ashirvad.
4 he morning that I returned to Bangalore after the evening meeting when I had agreed to
assist Jacqui Schiff I began to realize that I had accepted and to what I had committed
myself. I remembered that I had committed to help Jacqui Schiff establish some sort of
base for herself in India. So I spent some time mulling the situation over in my mind,
trying to make it all clear. It was all very good to volunteer, but then I had to make all the
circumstances clear.
Some young men who were having trouble sorting out their lives and using drugs were
coming to me to talk and it was obvious that they seemed to have serious mental
problems. I didn t believe that I had adequate knowledge or training to work with them.
42
Yet some weeks before one young man had come to me and said that he could not go
home as his father had refused to allow him to enter into their home anymore. As a boy
this man had been given a very good education. He began to take street drugs, had not
gone to college and so was really living on the street, or in one of the building sites were
new buildings were coming up. He had come to our front door and the brother who
looked after the garden often gave him some work to do and at times gave him a meal in
return. He had been in and out of the mental hospital for short periods, and because of his
illness had been chased out of his home because on a few occasions he had been violent
and disruptive. He was very open to me and would often sit on the steps outside my room
and talk with me. He said to me one day - “You can take care of me. You can be like a
father to me. My family rejects me and does not want me so you can help me. My family
rejects me and does not want me so you can help me.”
Across the small road next to our property, there was a building being built. So I said to
him, “Velu, if you want me to take care of you, first you must let me see you behave
properly. I want you to go over and get a job working as an unskilled helper working on
that building. You will go nowhere loafing on the streets and begging. You have to learn
to believe in yourself and take care of yourself’. He went immediately, was hired, and
worked till they finished that building. There was a small out building in our compound
so I told him he could live there while he worked and we would regularly spend time
together. And this he did. He related well with me and stayed with me for many months.
He behaved appropriately and when we started our therapeutic community, Athma Shakti
Vidyalaya, he became a member of the community. But after some time he left and ended
up on the streets again.
He would arrange to meet with his father at one of the traffic circles close by. I found his
sister who was a teacher in one of the posh schools in the city and discussed with her.
The family did not wish to have him living with them. After some time he went back to
the street drugs. From time to time I would meet him on one of the streets. Passersby
were a bit stymied when this fairly well dressed gentleman received a hearty greeting and
hugs from this scruffily unshaven young man seemingly on drugs. Finally he did come
around again to join the community. His sister has been giving him financial support for
years now. And he lives his own life, settled and content looking after himself close to
the community. Recognition and support offered to individuals is often enough to enable
people to find themselves and with support make the necessary moves to take care of
themselves.
This may be a good time to speak about the decisive decisions we may often make after a
short few moments of consideration that end up becoming the turning point in our life.
Such a decision may become a definitive commencing point in a person’s life, causing
unplanned new growth or new interest or pursuit for the person. After all, our life grows
in meaning as we take a decision, especially if it is a decision that will involve us in
causing a benefit to be present in another person’s life. Without really counting how
much this new opening may cost us, without evaluating or estimating fully what it will
mean by way of adjustment in our own life, we go ahead with confidence, trusting simply
in our present willingness which relies on our own present positive experience. .
I can remember how one short discussion in a chance meeting on the sidewalk of my
home city was the starting point of a complete change in my own life. That change has
43
enabled me to be open and to let go of my limitations and transcend them myself, in a
manner that is still causing my life to be more meaningful and expressive for others. This
happened to me in my college days. After my third year of college, a year of skipping
classes, neglecting studies, involved in sports, I had decided to drop college and stay with
a temporary job in an office which kept me with enough money for my regular tavern
visits. Then the temporary job fell through so 1 had nothing, hardly any future unless I
could hopefully talk to my father into advancing me some funds.
Then one day I met one of my old professors on the street. He stopped to talk and said I
was acting like a no good, no better than a street bum. I had no choice but to stop and
listen. I had no way of defending myself. So I listened. Through his dressing down
remarks, I stood and listened. I had no proper defense. 1 tried to push away his suggestion
that I go back to classes by using the fact I didn’t have the necessary money. He kept at
me. Finally he challenged me, and my inborn nature has always been to fall into the
challenge. His challenge was his offer to take up a job of teaching a small yet regular
class of weak students. He said the college needed a Latin tutor and 1 had done three
years of Cicero’s Latin. So the challenge was there. And there was still some sense in me.
I accepted and went back to college and later graduated. And my life developed anew
from there, just a chance meeting on a fairly busy city sidewalk. There was a letting go
on my part, and in the letting go, I decided at that moment to prove the “I’ll show you” as
part of my personality. Yes, I transcended myself in those few minutes, something we
need to keep doing in our lives.
You might say this man rescued me in some manner. It was good of him. And in a way I
realized it is something 1 have been doing all my life after the incident, and I became
more conscious of myself. I realize that I had recognized the value of putting myself
together through the feelings that I had experienced. The feelings I had at the time were
movements caused in me by the experience, the actuality of going beyond myself in some
way. Feelings are movements that a subject experiences on the existential level of
intentional consciousness, for example, when one is in the dynamic state of being in love.
This means that, in addition to the practical knowledge there is another kind of
knowledge, factual knowledge. Factual knowledge is the knowledge you reach when you
experience, understand and verify. This other practical knowledge you attain when you
discern and judge the value of something, as for example when you are totally set, as
when you are in love or some course of action when you are in love. This I think is the
question I proposed to myself at that moment when the old professor proposed the
teaching proposal to me. I would have phrased it as, “Is this worthwhile? Is it worthwhile
to me to accept his offer? Is this going to help me, to mean something good to me.?”
It did mean a lot to me. Being offered the teaching work meant I could earn some money,
1 could go back to college (which I did and enabled me to finally graduate), I could
reestablish my life. That sort of consolation such as I had
as I walked away from my
former professor is a sort of spiritual consolation. It is as some writers have put it “like a
flashlight in the dark, always just enough for finding our way.” It is this we are trying to
discover in most of our psychotherapy as we endeavour to bring a person to choose to
drop some feelings, or change some attitude, or let go of some negative experience or
feeling. We choose because we believe that leaving the negative experience and having
44
some sense of comfort that the new experience invites us to experience, we will be
reaching for the relief or fulfillment which we have been searching..
All the foregoing has been a sort of introduction, but with a bias to my life and how
Athma Shakti had a real beginning, a beginning that involved many excellent people. As
with each and every person who has been mentally ill, there has been a beginning, a
beginning of the “problem” as people usually refer to the condition we refer to as “mental
illness”. In this presentation we will not go into the different types and forms of mental
illness, but on presenting the struggles to assist young persons to move out of what is
usually referred to as the many shadows and disruptions that cause the person to be lost
and upset.
From its beginning, many years ago Athma Shakti has found it necessary to have a
creative and innovated approach to the treatment of mental illness. In the very first years
medication was not used and it is questionable whether there has been any better progress
coming from the administrating of various types of medication. The main approach in the
methodology for holistic psychotherapy treatment of schizophrenia, depression and other
mental illness at Athma Shakti Vidyalaya is to put a strong emphasis on reparenting.
Basically Athma Shakti has always been essentially a community with all the social and
healing benefits that are present in community living - attachment, responsibility, mutual
support, ever-present healthy dependency, learning from others and facing up to present
problems of living and adjusting to others. The main focus has always been on forming a
relationship, and for some people, a few relationships. This has been the most helpful
treatment modality - relationship.
One of the obvious problems with a person who has serious mental problems is their
usual inability to be at ease with other persons: their tendency to withdraw and be alone,
especially in their early years in school and often their difficulty in the area of marriage.
The new comer to Athma Shakti is asked to make a contract with the community, making
a formal open request in the community to be accepted as a member of the community
with a promise to dedicate all his or her efforts to overcoming the mental and behavioural
problems they may have and also to assist all others in the community in their efforts to
overcome any problems that they may have.
The persons who are sent to Athma Shakti Vidyalaya usually are feeling quite low, they
have difficulty in establishing contact with other people. Many have never had
meaningful, open contact with other people. Most of them brought here by parents and
relatives, have come from some years of treatment, of many years of treatment with
psychiatrists and hospitals. They usually find their living difficult because they have
great difficulty being open with other people, or cannot express themselves correctly or
behave appropriately with others. They often ignore other people, or deny their feelings
concerning themselves and others. In many ways they do not understand themselves
clearly, nor can they on the spot immediately explain the reasons why they are thinking
and behaving in the way they are thinking and behaving. Often it is difficult for them
reflect upon themselves and decide how they want to react.
My first knowledge of reparenting came to me in the 1970s when I was Headmaster of a
large residential boarding school for boys in Darjeeling. One winter vacation to find some
45
warmth out of the Himalayan cold I decided to follow a counseling training course at a
center in the south of India. It was there I met Jacqui Schiff who was on a short visit
demonstrating some aspects of her reparenting theory. Carlos and Saroj Welch, whom I
had brought to the school in Darjeeling to teach counseling to the teachers, wanted Jacqui
to help them with a young man who had just been diagnosed as a schizophrenic. Jacqui
invited me to attend her sessions and asked me to take care of the young man, by
supervising him and seeing to his self-care. Much grew out of the bridge games we
played during that short visits and the sessions talking over the young man’s illness.
I was invited to take part for a couple of weeks, listening to the description of his
problems and listening to Jacqui’s explanation of his mental illness. Outside of the talks,
Jacqui asked me to look after the young man, supervising him, seeing to his cleanliness,
behaviour and teaching him self-care. At times the young man needed care and support.
Years later in 1979 when Jacqui was looking for a refuge from the problems she was
facing in California she thought of coming to India and thought of me and the help 1
might be able to give her. So that year with some interested parents and therapists, we set
up for Jacqui the residential therapeutic community, Athma Shakti Vidyalaya. “Athma”
means spirit or soul, or mind as it is used in much eastern religious thought. “Shakti”
means power, strength of ability. “Vidyalaya” means school. Since I was a long term
resident in India I agreed with the help of Carlos and Saroj Welch to make the necessary
arrangements for the community — renting a building, seeing to the legal necessities,
visas, etc. Jacqui lived in the community off and on for five years. She spent six months
of each year traveling abroad for workshops and seminars. Following her departure the
community has continually evolved following its own direction with the reparenting
model as an integral aspect of the treatment process.
Perhaps the easiest manner to present the reparenting model is to choose certain words,
which make explicit some elements essential in this treatment process. The treatment
takes place in a therapeutic community, where there are connections at many different
levels, rich communication, openness, sharing, closeness, demands, responsibilities - all
directed to therapy, to bringing the individual to be aware, pay attention, reflect, think. I
must mention here a most significant aspect of our ASV community. We believe that
persons who are classified as mentally ill, having serious problems, as we say, are able to
reach a condition in which they can be aware and in charge of their feelings, know the
conscious or unconscious reasons for those feelings, examine the attitudes or beliefs that
are often at the base of those feelings, and then act to change whatever is necessary to
change in order that he or she can function as any person considered normal in their
surroundings. We believe that any person can be brought to think responsibly, feel
accepted and able to form attachments with significant other persons and be responsible,
no matter how disturbed they might be.
When a newcomer comes into the community he or she will be struck by the
interconnected dynamics within the community. They will notice that some individuals
seem to spend a good deal of time around certain members of staff. They will pick up an
awareness of that special interaction going on and although they cannot describe it they
are having their first experience of bonding. I believe it is correct to call it bonding.
Remember, we all need to have an experience of bonding in our lives. One of the greatest
46
problems of our world today is depression, the sense of loneliness, the lack of bonding.
Bonding is at the root of re-parenting.
It is almost impossible to sort out or to explain the how and why a personal connection or
attachment is formed. The most efficient step out of a mental illness is taken when a real
bonding takes places in a therapeutic community. And there is no progress, no hope for
the seriously disturbed person unless there is some small opening, no matter how
minuscule, to another person. The disturbed person is usually isolated within himself or
herself, very needy yet not knowing how to ask for any positive and meaningful attention.
Usually the person has set up a complete system of defenses for protection from a world
that has caused great pain and rejection. This barrier of defenses, this wall of denial that
is expressed by saying, “There is nothing wrong with me. must be dissipated,
abandoned.
This wall has to melt before any of us can be of any help to the lonely, stricken person.
And often there is a history of excessive medication with the result the newcomer doesn’t
experience the ability to make a free choice concerning just what is occupying his
thinking.
I cannot insist too much on the need of the quiet acceptance of a community to a
disturbed newcomer who, as often as he can, may unconsciously be showing his wares,
that is, the heights of his pathology to scare us off, to establish his protective wall or
shell. The quiet acceptance must come from all members of the community and it is
important to know that for some that quiet acceptance is itself considered a fearful
situation. I remember a very paranoid young man Rahul, who remained for many months
so full of fear of the others in the community, a fear that he showed in his frequent
outbursts of anger which I believe took place when he felt he was becoming just a bit too
dependent on someone. It is necessary to respect the fear the person may have, for it has
held them and served them in the past. Slowly he could relax with others and avoid the
anger. He began to appreciate other members of the community and even picked out a
staff member whom finally asked to be a new parent for him. Then a type of formal
contract was concluded between him and the staff member. I have quite as lew people
spread in various parts of the world who still refer to me as “Dad”.
We cannot place any demands on a person becoming at ease in the community.
Remember that on entry he has to be present and become familiar with another 25 or 30
persons, accept a demanding routine that keeps him present with others, meet
expectations both of time and degree to become at ease enough in the community to
open to a connection with the community as a safe and acceptant group or with any one
individual be it staff or another kid. (I will use the word ‘kid for that is the word we have
always used in the community. The word, as common and meaningful is considered very
positively by all community members.) It would be unfair and not therapeutic for any
staff to make any moves to influence any kid to form a connection or bonding with him.
The connection will come in its own time. It may begin at any time. It may happen
immediately on the person entering the community. 1 have had a kid tell me the she made
up immediately when she first saw me in the community that she could receive whatever
she wanted by way of care and direction from me. She only told me these two years alter
choosing me as a father for reparenting. It is sad that some of our kids who have come for
treatment have not benefited from the treatment as they could have. They may have
47
change. To break out of the isolation of mental illness the person has to break out of the
limitations she places around herself, and to bond with another.
From its beginning many years ago, Athma Shakti has 'found it necessary to have a
creative and innovative approach to the treatment of mental illness. In the very first years
medication was not used and it is indeed questionable whether there had been any better
progress coming from the administering of medication.
Basically, Athma Shakti has always been essentially a community with all the social and
healing benefits that are present in community living - friendship, responsibility, mutual
support, ever-present health dependency, learning from others, facing up to present
problems of living and adjusting to others, etc. The main focus has always been of
forming a relationship with a member of the staff or another patient, and for some
newcomers, a few relationships. This has been the most helpful treatment modality relationships.
One of the obvious problems with a person who has serious mental problems is their
inability to be at ease with other persons; their tendency to withdraw and be alone,
especially in their early years in school and often their inability in the area of making
friends and difficulty to form attachments even with any other member of their family.
The newcomer to Athma Shakti is asked to make a contract with the community, making
a formal, open request in the community meeting to be accepted as a member of the
community with a promise to “to work to get well” and “help others to get well.” Once
accepted the person then will be given the assistance he or she is seeking to be able to
mix with others. And the person will be given the confrontation and feedback that will
help him or her to make the necessary movements and changes in conduct and thinking
so he or she can function appropriately in the community and later return to family and
society.
The treatment process will also include choosing one or two staff members to whom the
community member (rather than the “patient”) will undertake to guide the newcomer and
design a therapy program for them.
All aspects of living will arise in a community - 24 hours a day, will be directed to
treatment - talking about the past and problematic life in groups of seven or eight,
meeting with a therapist to discuss the person’s daily journal with the recital of feelings,
thoughts, dreams, interactions, etc., washing dishes with a group in the course of which
arguments may emerge and have to sorted out and settled.
Always, for any altercation, differences must be discussed, recognized, accepted,
responsibility taken, renewed and proper behaviour promised. Unhelpful behaviours and
contaminated thinking must be confronted. Contaminated thinking usually happens when
a person’s thinking is obviously based on some disordered feeling or belief with the result
that the misbehaviours or nasty interactions taking place, there are supervised “time
outs”, explanations demanded, responsibility taken.
Essential in the beginning of any person’s stay at ASV is the history taking, or a recital of
the bio data, especially the experience of the early years of family living and the beliefs
and attitudes that are carried from that time in a person’s life. There may be painful and
50
z
disturbing memories and incorrect beliefs and attitudes that may have caused the person
mental health problems in the present time.
And there are birthdays, farewell parties, fun times, and outings to break the routine.
Since Transactional Analysis gives a simple living diagram of the feelings, thinking, and
values - Child, Adult, Parent, community members can easily understand and
communicate using the terms and structures from T.A. Each member of the staff has
attended at some time a workshop in TA. The original idea for ASV came through
contact with Jacqui Schiff who was a close friend of Eric Berne, the psychiatrist who
originated TA in the original Tuesday night workshops of psychiatrists in San Francisco.
TA enables the members of the community to plainly discuss all the aspects of
personality structures and communications between persons. When a person is acting,
feeling, thinking as you observed parents to be doing, you are in your Parent ego state.
When you are dealing with current reality, gathering facts, and computing objectively,
you are in your Adult ego state. When you are feeling and acting as did when you were a
child, you are in your Child ego state.
The Parent ego state contains the attitudes and behavior incorporated from external
sources, primarily parents. Outwardly, it often is expressed toward others in prejudicial,
critical, and nurturing behavior. Inwardly, it is experienced as old Parental messages
which continue to influence the inner Child.
The Adult ego state is not related to a person’s age, it is oriented to current reality, and
the objective gathering of information. It is organized, adaptable, intelligent, and
functions by testing reality, estimating probabilities, and computing dispassionately.
The Child ego state contains all the impulses that come naturally to an infant. It is also
contains the recordings of the child’s early experiences, responses, and the “positions”
taken about self and others. It is expressed as old behavior from childhood.
In the past few years ASV has become a member of the Community of Communities, a
project of the London School of Psychiatry. Because of financial constraints ASV is not a
registered member now but keeps regular contact with Dr. Rex Haigh, the initiator of the
Community of Communities. The association with the CofC has been a great help and
welcome challenge to ASV.
Since ASV believes that the mentally disturbed person can be supported to learn
acceptance and use their feelings appropriately in order to live a meaningful life, and
follow their attitudes and beliefs to guide their growth and their awareness, reasoning and
understanding to coordinate their decisions in life and their vital interactions with other
people, a particular emphasis is always placed on confronting the individual who is not
using those three capabilities in an appropriate manner. Along with being confronted the
person who is not appropriate in expressing themselves or not communicating adequately
with others will be expected to clarify the source of their problem and rectify their
communication.
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1 b MT-
a. Communities
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b.
Healing communities
Athma Shakthi Vidyalaya - Therapeutic Community
Structures at ASV
Learning to live an appreciable and appreciated life in this therapeutic
community.
On Concepts in Therapy
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C.
Chapter III
PROCESS
Treatment Process at ASV - Paper presented on the 20,h year celebrations
Paper on Somatopsychic approaches to the Rehabilitation of Schizophrenics
Blocks to thinking
Negative Stroke Economy and what to do about it
Discounting
Modelling - a concept found in Carkhuffs presentation of the helping process its meaning and importance
Psychology - ego consciousness
Reflections
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Beginnings - Veeresh
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For a reflection on myself
Starting from various words
Thoughts on training
Questions to keep me looking at possibilities or for possibilities
Points that need to be considered A set of questions
Mind-Body awareness for personal harmony
Notes-28.09.08
What I see as special in ASV
Reflecting on self and others
The spiritual dimensions of rehabilitation
Decisions you make as an actor in the drama of human living
Summary
d. Talks at training Programs
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Training one-rooted on social learning
Frame of reference
Training program-001
Voice: 7 (Training program)
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a. Communities
53
HEALING COMMUNITIES
The World Health Organisation has been stressing in the past few weeks that in the
efforts being made to help individuals suffering from mental illness, emphasis must be
placed on “community”. Although it is said that mental illness is a family problem many
of those in the helping professions believe that it is necessary , because of the scope of
the problem today, that the larger community become involved.
By the larger
community they are referring to the local civic community, all the various institutions in
the local civic community to become in some manner involved with the task of providing
treatment, care and rehabilitation to young people who may be having serious mental
health problems.
Also the WHO calls for new initiatives to be fostered in the field of helping individuals to
overcome the mental health problems that young people in the larger community may be
experiencing. These initiatives suggest that those involved in the mental health field
perhaps should move away from the traditionally defined roles, to experiment in multi
faceted roles, often with boundaries that are not clearly defined, to show a willingness to
share their knowledge and skills, to move away from the often paternalistic nature
displayed in their professional role, to forge partnerships with all those willing to dedicate
time to working with the mentally ill and to being trained in newly evolving
methodologies of treatment that could be of help in bringing the mentally ill back into the
main stream of the larger civic community.
All of these ventures could be continually evaluated as to their outcomes and adaptations
so that it can be seen which are the most effective.
In this article I would like to talk about the move in some areas to establish half-way
homes, that is to bring the mentally ill together in small live-in communities, where they
learn to function more effectively in their daily personal lives, where they find the skills
to relate competently and efficaciously with people having similar problems and with
trained therapists who lead them to stabilize their often chaotic thinking and behavior.
These communities are of a very special kind with a very special aim. There are many
kinds of communities. A community exists when all the members classified as belonging
to the group have a common purpose. The common aim flows from its character, its
purpose.
The common aim of a therapeutic community is to do whatever is possible for the
promotion of effective therapy for the mental health of all the persons who are connected
with the community. The therapeutic community is a body of people sharing common
activities and bound by multiple relations. The members of the community start from the
belief that the aims of any individual can only be achieved with the active participation of
the others in the community. The therapeutic community is different from the usual
treatment facility, most notably on the demands that are made on the patient and the
overall support that is offered to the patient. Irrespective of help offered by others, the
patient must learn to appropriately use his or her own inner consciousness and strength to
54
handle whatever feelings that may arise, to distinguish and separate his feelings from his
thinking, and incorporate and operate from a new and more appropriate set of beliefs and
values than the negative beliefs and values he or she has been using to guide their
interactions with other people. This entire project is based on the belief that each
member of the community has the innate power to become mentally well through his or
her responsible interactions with others.
All aspects of the life, the vitality, the subsistence of the community are dedicated to
foster and assist each and every member of the community to experience a full personal
life. This means a life within which relationships of trust, meaningful reciprocal
interactions, and responsible independence of thoughts, feelings and values is appreciated
and developed. Within the community there are clear and definite healthy structures that
have been agreed upon by the members through discussions and reflection on the needs
of the individual members. Each member of the community shares the responsibility for
the aims of the community and develops his or her mental health through his or her own
personal striving to further the shared aims of the community. Therapists teach patients
to recognize, develop and use their own strengths and skills instead of simply relying
heavily on medication to calm their feelings of anger and fear, or to settle distressing
fantasies and thoughts.
The movement of a mentally ill person though the treatment process of the therapeutic
community can in a general manner be clearly followed, (here are usually stages that the
individual will pass through as he or she becomes more functional and aware of the
changes within their own consciousness through their sensitive interactions with others in
the community.
A new patient entering into the community often is ill at ease in the new surroundings,
finding it difficult to fit into the openness and closeness that exists within this new group
ambience, an ambience such that he or she has never before experienced. Their life has
often been one of withdrawal and silence, misunderstanding and doubt. And yet the
mentally ill person, although he or she does not want to own it, needs and wants the
security and support that is being offered by this understanding group of people who
seem to know each other so well. Slowly he or she will experience, as they watch the
members of the community mix and share, that there is something here they would like to
move into, even to open into the acceptance that seems to pervade the group. He or she
may experience or sense an acceptance by one or other of the therapists. He or she may
be surprised as one of the therapists takes the initiative in offering assistance and
guidance.
As Carl Jung has said, “We have our gift of consciousness as the place where we realize
we are not alone. Our consciousness enables us to have the experience that others exist
who offer us caring, enjoyment, pleasure and yes, ultimately love.” fhat quote succinctly
expresses the rationale and goal of a therapeutic community, for in the therapeutic
community individuals learn the abilities that they have and may enhance so they can
stretch themselves out to others. Again as Jung said “to feel richer in forming a
connection, to experience the wonder of appreciating another, in giving to another, in
growing to love”.
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Once the patient has made a connection to a therapist within the community and begins
to feel somewhat at ease, he or she will, through their interactions, begin to experience
the difference in their thinking and their behavior from that of others in the community.
They begin to grow in awareness. With the help of others they start to distinguish the
original learning process that took place in their lives and caused the developments in
their personality. Reflection and discussion will lead them to become aware of those
basic attitudes that have caused them to be so negative and unhappy in their lives. They
will begin to evaluate themselves, and decide on changes needed in order to abandon the
old negative memories and beliefs. And then they may discover the positive affirmations
and beliefs they can form about themselves, about other people and about life in general.
All of this leads them to realize that life can have a much fuller meaning than they ever
realized.
Once these new values have been adopted they need to be practiced and lived as guiding
principles in life with others. The ideal way of integrating these new attitudes and values
is by living them within the community, this being what we might call the third stage of
treatment in the community. And of course it is not all that simple. Life long attitudes
and values are not changed overnight so there will be times when the individual will be
confronted for behavior or statements that are indicative of the old past unhealthy
lifestyle. The defenses do not fall away easily. Confrontation does play an important
role in the therapeutic community, seen as necessary for all members. Usually there is an
agreed contract according to which all disagreements and problems are to be solved
through discussions. These may last for hours but from these discussions comes a deep
sense of responsibility and an empowerment. The empowerment gives the patient an
ability to fully state his or her thoughts and opinions, have them challenged or accepted,
always with the result that there is agreement and the satisfaction everyone has been
recognized and appreciated. The therapeutic community has a strong democratic base
that is recognized by all.
As the patient learns to discuss equally with others, he or she acquires the ability to act.
The better word for this new living skill is “agency”. All people wish to have the
satisfaction of being able to make things happen, to make a difference, at least in their
own small way. So if the patient can now direct five or six of other members of the
community in cleaning up the pots and pans and dishes after the evening meal, he or she
gains a sense of accomplishment. This is the fourth stage of the move through the
therapeutic community. The patient’s continual transactions with the staff and other
members of the community help to develop the responsibility he or she will need when
they move out of the community.
The moving out from the community is the last stage in the community healing process.
Now the person becomes no longer the patient but the member of the community who is
leaving the community each day to go to his or her workplace. This is an adventurous
move, moving into a work place that does not function with all the support and care and
interaction that exists within the community. The person may come back home to the
community each night, or may experiment with having a place to stay outside the
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community. If the person is going to return to the family, then sessions will be held with
the family so that the family community is functioning in a manner that is helpful to the
well-being of all the family members. This, a very important stage, for all the feelings
and attitudes of the past years, the unhappy years, will need to be brought on the carpet
and be dealt with. All this must be handled with clarity and acceptance. The fears must
be solved so that the former patient will find regain a new trust and acceptance. The
angers must be resolved so that there is a mutual understanding, a willingness to forgive,
and gratitude that each of the family members has found his or her way to peace and
strength.
There are many efforts being made to bring those who suffer from mental illness back to
well being and happiness. Bringing patients together in small communities of twenty or
so can be very effective. Twenty-four people are a sufficient number of people with
different personalities, while at the same time relationships will be close so it is totally
different from a large, cold, ordered institution. 1 believe that we change because
someone wants us to change, we change because of our relationship to someone else be it
God, a parent, a friend, a therapist, a loved one, an enemy, or it may be the memory of a
relationship. The mentally ill person often does not experience within the power to make
the necessary changes that would bring about a more enhanced and meaningful better
life. To break out of the isolation of mental illness the person has to break out of the
limitations he or she places around himself or herself. And then it is possible to be open,
to interact, to bond with another, to find a healthy meaningful life.
By way of summary, I would mention all the many words that come to mind when we
speak of helping people move out of their mental illness through community care, the
care that is constituted in being together in small highly specialized live-in communities.
There are many words we need to keep in mind - interaction, relating, having a purpose,
belonging, containment, safety, acceptance, permissiveness, communication, openness,
group ethos, involvement, living- learning, reality confrontation, agency, empowerment,
democratization, decisions, sincerity. Wonderful words — each ol them necessary for
mental health.
Fr. Hank Nunn S.J.
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ATHMA SHAKTI VIDYALAYA - A THERAPEUTIC COMMUNITY
What for convenience 1 am terming attachment theory is a way of conceptualizing the
propensity of human beings to make strong affectional bonds to particular others and of
explaining the many forms of emotional distress and personality disturbance, including
anxiety, anger, depiession, and emotional detachment, to which unwilling separation and
loss give rise.
Briefly put, attachment behaviour is conceived as any form of behaviour that results in a
person attaining or retaining proximity to some other differentiated and preferred
individual, who is usually conceived as stronger and / or wiser. Whilst especially evident
during early childhood, attachment behaviour is held to characterize human beings from
the cradle to the grave - John Bowlby, 1976.
In a therapeutic community attachments leading to healthy relationships form the basis
that leads to recovery. A school, a college is often just a collectivity for the ill person.
The hospital he or she would experience as a collectivity. In some instances given the
problems caused by the disabled person within the family, the relations within the family
unit come to be more of a collectivity than a close family community. In the collectivity
there is often a distrust of relationships and the accompanying intense emotional and
behavioural problems. In a real community following the principles of the therapeutic
community approach, members strive to develop close dependant relationships, within a
group living milieu.
The human relationships between people are of therapeutic value as they provide
acceptance, affirmation of a person’s individuality and an experience of involvement,
trust and separation. Also in close relationships, a person can become aware of his or her
impact on others and can experience and perhaps resolve tensions that arise. As patterns
of behaving towards others emerge or emotional turmoil is expressed in relationships,
this becomes material that can be presented to help someone see themselves more clearly.
Rex Haigh lists the five ingredients of a therapeutic community and presents them as a
developmental sequence, from the earliest experience of attachment, to maternal and
paternal aspects of containment, and the task to make contact with others in a way which
allows intimate and mutative communication to happen, then on to the adolescent
struggle of involvement and finding one’s mutual responsibilities amongst others, and
finally to an adult empowered position of agency - finding the self which is the seat of
action and from which true personal power and effectiveness must come.
“.. .The first task of treatment is to reconstruct a secure attachment, and then use that to
bring about changes in deeply ingrained expectations of relationships and patterns of
behaviour. The culture in which this attachment needs to happen is one where the
community members can clearly feel a sense of belonging - where membership is valued
and where members themselves are valued”.
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STRUCTURES OF ASV
Athma Shakti Vidyalaya is a community, a special kind of community with a very special
aim. This aim flows from its character, its nature. The common aim of ASV is to do
whatever is possible for the promotion of the mental health of all the persons who have
come to be connected in any manner with the community.
So all aspects of the life, the vitality, the subsistence of the community are dedicated to
foster and assist each and every member of the community to experience a full personal,
meaningful life. This leads to a life in which relationships of trust, meaningful reciprocal
interactions, responsible independent thinking, feelings and values are appreciated and
developed. The result is that each member of the community grows through their own
personal struggle to bring about the aim of the community. The objective to be obtained
is that each individual has a gratifying and fulfilling shared experience with other
members of the community.
In the following paragraphs I will refer to some of the many various structures which the
members of the community need to follow in order to cause the community to be a
success. A “Structure” is a rule, a demand, a necessity, a need to be followed, an
expectation made on each member, in some ways a contract, a routine, a trust that each
member of the community is required to accept, follow, pay close attention to help others
follow, and also challenge another member of the community if the structure is neglected.
The first structure of the day is the wake up call at 6.30 am for the hour long yoga session
at 7.00 am. After breakfast comes the distribution of psychotropic medication - daily
shower bath, doing one’s own laundry, getting organized and if time, catching up on
writing in one’s daybook or chronicle - relating the various ups and downs of the
previous days-all of which will be presented and discussed with a favorite a staff guide.
At 11.00 am the community comes together at the Daily Meeting - the formal opening of
the day with a couple of common questions at the beginning to spark an attempt to get the
little grey cells of the brain moving. Then any special business to be discussed is
presented.
The special business may include some “low and behold breakage of structure
Some
culprit may have played loosely with one of the community’s usual behaviors, practices
or customs - so as in a village assembly the culprit must give the proper explanation and may be (according to the mood of the day or discernment of the community) made to
stand in the corner (much like he had to when in kindergarten) until he can explain what
feelings and thoughts he was having when he “acted out” (broke structure). To break
structure is act in any manner that goes against the rules of the community, the spirit of
the community, and commitments that he or she may have made earlier to the
community. If he or she can convince the gathered community members of his or her
determination to come back to the original commitment made on joining the community,
that he or she explains how he or she will creditably manage to follow all the different
structures...As he convinces the community that he is committed to adaptation and
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change - clearer or different thinking - he or she can be easily again classified as a
functioning member of the community.
It sounds very formal when presented there on paper but really it often is a verbal
dickering lor correctness back and forth until a decision is reached and in the process
much growth in discernment and responsibility often is the result.
Over the years this demand that the structure be strictly followed has been very helpful
tore people. And it is often very difficult to have visitors accept the value of the effort
1s put into this “following structure”. It has been very beneficial and has been very
helpful for many people. It has started many off on a new rational, responsible life. I can
refer to quite a few individuals who opened themselves to make the necessary drastic
changes in the feeling and thought patterns of their personality when they were standing
in the corner’ - and those needed changes enabled them to move on to live a responsible
healthy normal life outside the community.
S° after lhe Daily Meeting and a coffee break the community divides itself up into three
or four "therapy groups” . These morning sessions of one and a half hours are considered
as important for the ongoing aspect of the therapy in the same group day by day. It is
usually in these groups where the serious insights may come forward. The groups are
divided on the patient levels of competence in self-knowledge and grasp of difficulties
A young man may be a computer expert, but can he handle the little and the big - upsets
that grow from within?
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LEARNING TO LIVE AN APPRECIABLE AND APPRECIATED LIFE IN THIS
THERAPEUTIC COMMUNITY.
The persons coming into the community today must begin by a realization and
acceptance of the problems and difficulties that they experience in communicating and
opening their life through meaningful contact and sharing with other persons.
As a beginning they need to develop an openness to discover from where within their
conscious life the cause or causes of their mental and emotional discomfort arises.
As they experience a growth in awareness and comfort they will experience the difficulty
and frustration that rises as they experience their inability to function freely and smoothly
in their interactions with others.
And so they begin to notice and pay attention to the manner in which others seem to
react and behave smoothly and efficiently in contrast to the hesitations and inability to
cope with the demands of living with others which they experience as a losing struggle.
Going through these problems will appear to be a continuing defeat. The manner in
which they should handle themselves in the face of others is often a mystery. They
struggle and yet are unable to make the necessary simple adaptations and on the spot
choices which normal people easily make.
The inability to adapt easily to situations usually arises from their negative outlook or
difficulty in relating to other people, whether strangers or persons of their own family
with whom they should be able to relate positively and freely as they wish.
If they come to some realization that their experience is seriously different from the
others who appear to have no difficulties in interacting with others, then they hopefully
will begin to question themselves and speak about their personal difficulties to persons
who are able to understand the original cause of their problems.
As they move with others and cause concern to others because of their hysterical unstable
reactions, they are medicated down to help them cope with the life experience they are
attempting to live.
The lucky ones may be placed in a community such as ours where they will be supported
in accepting the experience of being themselves even as they live through their disturbing
and depressing inner experience.
And hopefully they will hit upon or experience the deep inner assurance developing from
within their personalities as they come to realize that they have the possibility open to
them of forming a meaningful relationship with another person.
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This relationship will develop even ’without their realizing the effort and trust they may
have made to trigger the relationship.
Just simple openness to experience the new found ease of living in some simple form of
relationship or interior freedom and openness may trigger a decision to strive to be
responsible for self.
From incomplete sensations and moments of awareness they find that they can settle
within themselves and develop full consciousness in their thinking, feeling and attitudes
and beliefs.
AU of this will help to bring about within them some sort
sort of
of peace
peace with
with their
their mind
mind and
and
body plus a willingness to be constructive in their attitudes and beliefs with others, and
more open to make the changes within themselves and to discover what it means to be
important, significant and related to others.
They begin to learn where and when the difficulties were when they were very young.
They can always explain their present behaviour and are open to dialogue so to bring and
cause for themselves the necessary adjustments if any are needed in their reflection and
planning.
They will discover a new and enhanced interest in persons plus give a growing value to
their own life and that of others.
This individual ability to choose - it is really an individual power within the individual allows the person to develop other abilities that are helpful in dealing with the
surroundings. The ability to choose my reaction timings, to control the force of my
reaction, leads to self-control. This self-control enables the person to delay his or her
reaction and to resist the quick impulses which often cause a breakdown of
communication with another person.
Most people would wish to have solid self-control so that they can avoid the many
negative situations that sometimes arise. An example could be the experience arising
when an immediate, spontaneous, angry reply breaks up or destroys a family relation or
friendship. Also they can keep their hope and interest alive when someone says that a
certain accomplishment cannot come about, can not be resolved. For many people, when
they are told such a proposal cannot possibly be successful, they will be stimulated even
more to work for a successful solution.
I his ability to keep these two beliefs alive allows a person to be creative in holding a
problem or difficulty in their attention for some time so that then they can consider the
problem from many different angles and see it anew and open to a solution.
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b. On Concepts in Therapy
63
Treatment process in ASV
- paper presented at the 20th year celebrations.
The Athma Shakti Vidyalaya community was established on 20th August 1979, in the
suburbs of Bangalore, a city in South India. The community functioned in different
rented facilities for nineteen years. On 20th June 1998, the community moved into their
own building located in the suburbs of Bangalore. This sprawling building which can
comfortably accommodate 25 patients at any given time has a ground and first floor.
Each room is occupied by six patients. All the rooms have attached bath and toilet
facilities There is a large area designated for the garden.
Who gets referred to ASV? Patients who have been diagnosed at some time or times
having any kind of mental illness are referred to ASV. Most patients will have
undergone crisis management programmes in hospitals. When discharged they still
continue to have positive and negative symptoms of the illness, i.e. hallucinations,
delusions, odd behaviors like getting up late, excessive eating, being lethargic, drinking
excessive amounts of tea, smoking etc. When these behaviors are confronted by family
members, the conflict starts and the patients may become violent and abusive or suicidal.
Most often they will be back into hospital stay. As the medication alone will not deal
with the multifarious problems caused by the patients, the need for therapeutic
communities arose. ASV is one of the pioneers in establishing the therapeutic
communities in India when it opened in 1979. There are a number of such organizations
now in Bangalore.
The ASV therapeutic community offers structure and discipline to the patients till they
are able to cope with their own inner experience and meaningful with expectations of
family and society. The staff also teaches living skills and vocational skills to the
patients. They are also taught personal hygiene and good values. As a community
policy, mania-depressives are not admitted, as they tend to escalate beyond the resources
of the community during psychotic phases. For eg. some patients get into violent
episodes and become destructive and vengeful. They often persist in keeping up this
escalated phase till the staff and patients are physically and psychologically exhausted.
In a couple of cases, patients had to be shifted to hospitals because of their unmanageable
behaviour.
Decisions for intake:
After a preliminary interview with the patient and the family, a psychological assessment
of the patient is made.
A detailed history of the patient includes, genetics, socio-economic background, any birth
trauma, neurological problems, psychosexual history, any substance abuse, drug or
alcohol abuse, education, occupation, marital status etc.
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A psychological assessment includes tests for perception, subjective and objective tests
of personality, intelligence tests and tests for organicity.
A mental status examination is also conducted to assess his orientation, cognitive skills,
awareness, level of reactivity, etc.
The case is then presented in the staff meeting. The staff as a whole decides whether to
admit the patient or not depending on the following reasons.
Motivation of the patient to get well
His or her awareness of the illness
Age younger patients are preferred (as their maladaptive behaviours are easier to
change than that of older patients)
Chronicity of the illness
Is the person going to be a management problem?
Is the person going to be resource to the community? (Can he or she motivate the
other patients to get well)
Availability of accommodation
We have fifteen staff members working in ASV. As we work twenty-four hours and 365
days a year, the staff is rotarized to work in different shifts. The staff consists of
psychiatrists, psychologists, counselors and young adults who are motivated and
committed to this work.
Jacqui Schiff, who started this community, was a student of Eric Berne, who introduced
Transactional Analysis to the world, we relate on the principle of “I AM OK - YOU
ARE OK”. The staff are addressed by their first names and there are very little
hierarchical differences between staff and patients.
Once the decision is made to take patient in, he or she is asked to come to the community
as a day patient for a week. During this period, the patient participates in all the activities
of the community. Then the patient can decide to join as an inpatient and promises-
- To abide by the rules of the community and
- To use the resources of the community to get well and help others get well.
When the patient decides to join the community, he or she is given a traditional welcome
with aarthi and garland. He or she is assigned to a room. His personal belongings are
scrutinized for sharp objects, or bottles that could be used as a weapon to hurt oneself or
others. These are then kept in the custody of the staff. He or she is assigned a buddy
who will help the new patient become oriented to the rules of the community and to other
members.
The staff will then assess the level of functioning and his or her therapeutic issues.
Patients are classified into three groups according to the level of the patient.
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Dysfunctional: The patient suffers from poor awareness of self and the
environment, active hallucinations, poor personal hygiene, inability to care for
self, irrational behavior, irrelevant talk and psychotic behavior.
Reasonable: He or she is aware of self and the environment, can care for self,
accessible to psychotherapy. He or she is able to think and reason , take minimal
responsibility towards self and others in the community.
Responsible: He or she is aware of self and the environment, able to care for self
and others, go out on their own, aware of their problems, feelings and their needs.
He or she has drawn an ability to hold a job outside of the community, ability to
manage money etc.
Depending on their level of functioning, their individual structures are defined.
Structures for Dysfunctional people :
The dysfunctional patient is on full supervision and is given suitable parenting for
learning basic living skills.
They are taught to bathe properly, keep their clothes clean, brush their teeth, eat
appropriately etc.
Structures for Reasonable people :
Because of a certain patient who can work on his own responsibly, he / she cannot be
trusted capable of handling relations with others. For example being untrustworthy,
unable to quietly discuss and settle disputes, or not acting according to the values of
the community - he/she is classified as reasonable.
Some patients have problems in specific areas for eg. in the bathroom, they use
excessive amounts of soap or they have issues associated with food. Depending on
this they have free structure.
Structures for Responsible
- They can go out on their own
- They can supervise the less functional patients
- They can function as mentors for other patients
They can opt to work outside the community.
Treatment process:
Within the first three months of the patient’s arrival in the community, his therapeutic
issues come into focus.
For eg. Patient ‘M” was admitted because of his violent behavior, irrelevant talk,
attention seeking behavior, psychosomatic problems etc.
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He was defined as reasonable person as he was also showing good functioning in many
other areas. He was assigned some jobs like being on laundry committee, pumping up
water etc.
He had problems in the following area: he would try to get attention by talking
incessantly, being intrusive, wetting bed, refusing to sleep at night etc.
His maladaptive behaviour was confronted and appropriate behaviors for getting attention
were suggested and reinforced. I le was put on a program to be quiet for 15 minutes twice
a day and that stopped his non-stop chattering behavior.
I le calmed down considerably and could sleep at night. He also stopped wetting his bed.
He was taught to connect his feelings, needs and thoughts and to use them productively
rather than destructively. He was also taught to think of options for problem solving and
to choose the best option for getting his needs met.
After the initial orientation process of each patient, they will be assigned in specific
programs to deal with specific issues. For example if a patient is showing thinking
disorder, he will be put on a program to talk or write an essay which shows the level of
his thinking disorder and then the therapist can find out what exactly is the internal
process of that person’s thinking and it can be corrected. The whole process of analyzing
each thought, belief or attitude will take an hour or two and slowly the person generalizes
and incorporates new ways of thinking.
If a patient is talking non-stop to get the attention, he is put on a program to ask for
attention in a straight way for a specific amount of time. He will also be put on a quiet
program where he is expected to be quiet three times a day for fifteen minutes.
Another patient shows perceptual problems and redefines reality. She misperceives any
eligible bachelor to be proposing to her. She will then talk to that bachelor and clear up
her thinking.
The strength of the community lies in its group work. Over the past twenty years, several
innovative groups have evolved to cater to different needs of the patients.
Briefly they arc as follows:
As we believe in holistic healing, many body-mind techniques are incorporated into our
programs. Yes, psychophysical exercises, neurological exercises, sports, swimming,
aerobics, patterning are included in their daily programs.
Some patients have shown blocks in thinking because their neural pathways are not
developed. We use evolutionary exercises, Doleman -Delacalo techniques to stimulate
and develop the neural pathways. At times, patients who have been very rigid in thinking
have been patterned to loosen up and be more flexible in dealing with problems (like
patient lies in a prone position and people move his limbs and head in a specific way.
67
Marathon:
The community gets together for three hours on a particular day of the week. Several
patients work on their personal issues in this big group and get support from each other.
This will also enable the patients to be aware of each other’s problem and be confrontive
and supportive to it.
Mentor groups:
The patients set short term goals and both staff and other patients help in the process of
achieving these goals.
For eg. patients and staff help an overweight person to reduce her weight, to follow the
diet and exercise regularly.
Neuro-Linguistic Pogramming
These exercises help reprogramme the brain for specific behaviour changes. For eg. ‘A’
patient who was rocking on the bed as he was going over certain events that he was upset
with during the day. We brought this process forward by using fantasy work and we
decided to deal with his upsets before going to bed. He stopped rocking.
Values and Script:
This group is for patients who have achieved the last stage of treatment and need their
values clarified and to change their script so that they do not get into problems again.
Values around money, sex,job, relationships are discussed and they will incorporate and
feel strong with their values.
Art, Music, Dance groups:
These groups help the patients express their selves spontaneously . This is of benefit
specially for people who do not express verbally.
Medication :
Patients who are in psychotic state cannot be accessed by psychotherapy. These people
get psychotropic medication prescribed by a consultant psychiatrist. At times medication
is used to reduce anxiety, stop hallucinations and delusions. After the patient progresses
in treatment, medication is slowly weaned off.
Treatment groups:
In this group patients work on their long term goals. For example dealing with anger in
an appropriate way rather than getting violent. The patient is asked to keep track of his
anger and note it down in a book every day. He is also asked to note the level of anger on
a 0 to 10 scale. He is asked to assess the appropriateness of his anger, options he has and
choosing the best option keeping in mind, his needs, others needs and the situation.
Boys - girls groups
Issues specific to either gender is brought up and discussed openly. Especially beliefs
around sex. Outings are planned so that it brings cohesiveness in the group.
68
Individual time:
Apart from groups the patients work on specific issues with therapists to whom they are
attached
to.
Conflict Resolution
Conflicts come up almost every day as the members of the community have to coexist.
These are brought up in to the open and resolved keeping the goal in focus.
Community skills:
In order to build better understanding between members of the community, people need
to learn the art of communicating with clarity. Apart from that, the therapist will have to
understand the patient’s frame of reference. So the therapist will have to develop the skill
of listening and relating to patient’s frame of reference.
Statistics:
Once a year, the patients are assessed on an objective personality questionnaire to get an
overall picture of the functioning of the community, differences between groups etc.
Subjective Assessment
Apart from objective assessment, the patients are assessed every month on the following
scales:
Mental status
Cognitive skills
Motivation
Medication changes
Sleep patterns
Mood fluctuations
Living skills
Short term goals
Insight
After the person has been functioning responsibly for a consistent period of time, he is
encouraged either to continue studies or find a job outside the community.
The patients continue to stay in the community seeking support from its members and
work or study outside during the day.
After they have learnt to cope with the stress of the outside world and are confident
enough, they are encouraged to move out of the community.
Farewell :
Farewell is a big affair in the community as each person’s getting well is celebrated by
everybody.
Follow up : The patients keep in touch with the community through telephone, e-mail,
letters, visits etc. They will always be the members of the big family.
69
THE LANGUAGE OF TA - TRANSACTIONAL ANALYSIS
Three distinct ways of presenting myself- what is the experience of myself that 1 am
havingWhat are my feelings ?
What am I thinking about ?
What are my present attitudes, my standards, plans?]
Do 1 recognize the difference in the three? It is important to make the distinction between
the three. How a person can get the three mixed up-
Always need to know where you are coming from.
To be aware of the experience of being me.
Be aware - is to know and in control of myself.
To know what result you want to feel within yourself and how you will bring this about?
To be always willing to think about, consider my attitudes,
My feelings, what I want for myself.
How do I know I am right in the way 1 am thinking?
What is most important when I am not sure of myself?
What is the reason we always need to be open to feedback from others?
When do I admit that I may be wrong ?
How do I know that I am wrong?
Why do I have to listen to others, to know what they think?
How do 1 come to be in charge of myself? What keeps happening over and over again
for me, or to me?
What always seems to be a difficulty for me?
If I could change one special behaviour in myself, what is it be? How would I want to
change it?
70
Transactional Analysis provides a general theory of personality with a therapeutic
methodology. It also provides the community with a direct and concise vocabulary with
which to communicate to each other about psychological and emotional experiences in
day to day living. In its intention to remain accessible for everyday use (and to stay clear
of the style of intellectualising which could be anti-therapeutic in terms of “real”
relating), it can sometimes, appear itself as jargonistic and excluding to “outsiders”. We
have found however, that people joining the community very quickly become attuned to
the language and are able to use it productively for themselves.
The Theoretical Framework of the Community
Eric Berne (2) states that the basic interest of TA is the study of ego states which are
coherent systems of thought and feeling manifested by corresponding patterns of
behaviour. Three types of ego state can be observed.
1. Those derived from parental figures, colloquially called the Parent. This state a
person feels, thinks, acts, talks and responds just as one of his parents did when
he was little. This ego state is active, for example, in raising his own children.
Even when he is not actually exhibiting this ego state, it influences his
behaviour as the “parental influence”, performing (ideally) the functions of a
conscience.
2. The ego state in which he appraises his environment objectively, and calculates
its possibilities and probabilities on the basis of past experience, is called the
Adult.
3. Each person carries within a little boy or a little girl who feels, thinks, acts,
talks, and responds just the way he did when he was a child of a certain age.
This ego state is called the child. The child is not regarded as “childish” or
“immature” which are parental words, but as childlike, meaning like a child of a
certain age. It is important for the individual to understand his Child, not only
because it is going to be with him all his life, but also because it is the most
valuable part of his personality.
p
Parent
O
Figure A
Figure B
Figui
71
Figure A purports to be a complete personality diagram of any human being
encompassing everything he may feel, think, say or do. A more detailed analysis does
not yield new ego states, but only subdivisions within the primary ones. Thus for
example (Fig B) two Parental components can be described and two child components. It
can also be seen (Fig C) that within the child ego state the Parent, Adult and Child
components that were present when the child was fixated (3) are still present. These are
particularly relevant in understanding primitive disturbance. Separation of feeling and
behaviour pattern from another is called structural analysis. Ego states are denoted P-AC(capitals).
From the above, it is evident that when two people confront each other, there are six ego
states involved, three in each person. What happens can be represented by arrows drawn
between the two “people” in the diagram (Fig D).
p
Stimulus
p
Response
Figure D
In the simplest transactions, the arrows are parallel, and these are called complementary
transactions.
D
uanoavuvna. Fig
i
L7 as an
du example,
cAdiiipic, represents
icpresenis a PC
re transaction between two spouses in
which the stimulus is from the wife’s Parent ego state to the husbands Child ego state,
and the response is from his Child to her Parent. This might represent a motherly wife
taking care of a grateful husband. As long as the transactions are complementary with
parallel arrows, the communication proceeds indefinitely.
Figure E
Figure F
72
In Fig E an Adult to Adult stimulus such as a request for information receives a Child to
Parent response, so that the stimulus and response arrows instead of being parallel, are
crossed. This is known as a crossed transaction, and in such a situation communication
breaks down. For example, the husband asks “Where are my socks? And the wife replies
“why do you always blame me for everything?”. This represents the common form of
transference reaction as it occurs in psychotherapy. Fig.F
represents a crossed
transaction in which an Adult to Adult stimulus, such as a question, received a
patronizing or pompous Parent - Child response, which is perhaps the commonest type of
counter transference reaction.
Theory of Reparenting in a community
This basic introduction to TA as a theory of personality perhaps offers some clues about
the operational framework used in the community. The following describes a
“reparenting” (7) community using TA as an organizing principle.
In some severe cases of disturbance it can be observed that instead of a coherent,
internally and externally supportive Parent ego state there is instead a hostile and
destructive influence at work. Further, this destructiveness and hostility can, under
certain circumstances, be exchanged for a Parent ego state which is more supportive of
the whole personality. Essentially this involves letting go of old values and definitions
and taking in new.
In the community this involves a process of developing Adult ego state coherence and
clarity at a thinking and behavioural level, to a point at which at which an individual has
the capacity and personal responsibility for contracting away enough “Parental”
definition of reality, to the community’s consensual reality.
(see section on
“confrontation and fig. G for discussion about conflict resolution between different
definitions of reality.) Thereby in the process and with the support of a key parental
attachment figure, the resident makes an exchange of parent ego state, (changes such as
these are always different in timing and intensity between individuals. Occasionally a
dramatic shift can be observed but a gradual and incremental change is the most common
experience). This is experienced as a reduction of internal conflict and makes a more
conventional style of psychotherapy possible from then on. In TA terms this involves a
process of “redeciding” (1) early beliefs held in a child ego state and subsequent
“deconfusion”(4) of the whole personality. Perhaps this makes explicit the essential
nature of what happens more convertly in most helping relationships.
The potential for either conscious or unconscious abuse in all such uneven power
relationships is obvious and there is good reason for only attempting reparenting in a
therapeutic community setting with all established patterns of external supervision.
Active encouragement of visitors and guests is also a valuable way of externally
monitoring power relationships within the community.
Method and process of study
Given the task of articulating a coherent theoretical and practical model of reparenting
we were mindful of a “parental” value which, given the nature of the way we work,
73
should influence the process by which an account of our community is developed, which
is inclusiveness. Specifically, a healthy community seeks to include all it’s members and
authentic leadership involves holding this as a priority.
With this in mind we undertook a series of meetings involving residents, staff and an
external consultant (RH) under the general heading of "‘what would we as individuals see
as important in communicating to others what it is that we do?” This generated a list of
ideas which addressed questions of the “community philosophy” at various degrees of
abstraction.
The ideas put forward included the distribution and exercise of power and authority in
terms of continuity and long term security, how the need and expectation for that long
term security can be met through open ended contracts, the importance of many issues
surrounding food as a metaphor for the nurturant qualities of the community, the role of a
communal myth in building cohesiveness - including the power of “moving on” and
growing up” celebrations with their attendant rites of passage, and the sense of belonging
which underpins the difference between being “in” and being “part of’.
The distillation, focusing and development of these discussions forms the material which
is presented in the following sections.
Key characteristics of the community
1. Expectations
High expectations are made of all residents for appropriate behavior, taking responsibility
for their own actions and working to get “well”. Many residents act in weird or crazy
ways when they first come to the community. Very soon they re told that they are
expected to act appropriately. Residents are also given the reassurance that the staff still
know about the depth of problem that they are dealing with, and that they will be
responded to accordingly.
In their past, residents report having learned to act more and more bizarrely in order to be
noticed and to be taken care of. This is often specifically reported by conventional
psychiatric institutions; in this setting, as soon as patients behave more appropriately they
are seen as doing well and are discharged. Seldom did this take account of somebody’s
still feeling confused and vulnerable “inside” and continuing to want the protection of the
hospital. The only way for this person to maintain a place on the ward is by acting out
again. In this community, residents change their behavior significantly when they hear
and trust that they will not be sent away when they act in a normal way.
A fundamental principle of this community is that all adults are, or can be, responsible
for their own reactions. The fact of having severe problems is not accepted as an excuse
for acting out. It is necessary to take this position in order to make the demand on
somebody to take responsibility for his actions and expedite resolution of the problems
which lie beneath all instances of acting out. The attitude of excusing irresponsible or
inappropriate behaviour of people with severe emotional problems is seen as
inappropriate in treating them as fragile, hopeless and irreversibly handicapped - perhaps
74
many institutions, who respond to escalating disorder with apparent understanding and
the attitude that they “couldn’t help it”
Within the community the expectation for every resident is to go through the whole
therapy process and to have a fulfilling and satisfying life afterwards, in contrast to
previously having been told that the most they could have hoped for would have been to
manage life with almost inevitable relapses and the necessity for medication. A selffulfilling prophency of low expectations might be of special relevance to disturbed people
and this community aims to offer an expectation of living life instead of managing it, and
a new perspective for the future. Residents often internalize the encouragement that it is
possible to solve their problems and use it as motivation to make robust and
comprehensive changes.
There is a paradoxical quality to discussions about “acting out” and the important linkage
with “expectations”.
What the community aims to achieve is a culture of high
expectations about standards of social behaviour balanced against a realistic
understanding of the complexities of “acting out” behaviors. The next section about
“structure” describes how a structured environment provides a “background” against
which people can and do (but “shouldn’t”) act out in “low level” ways for instance, by
breaking minor rules without putting themselves or others at risk. For a discussion of the
consequences of repeated “high level” acting out. See the section on “non contracts”.
2. Structure
The discussions frequently returned to the concept of community “structure”, how it is
enforced, and the values that underpin it.
The structure includes a clear daily routine, organizing and running the household
(residents do the shopping, cleaning and cooking) and a large number of rules which are
expected to be kept by everybody, including staff. This tight net of structure is used
instead of drugs, and it provides a safe and predictable environment. People use it as a
background against which they can display their problems.
One of the primary values in this community is to ensure safety and security. This is
important in order to provide a setting in which residents feel sufficiently secure to face
and work through their problems. The use of structure and rules is a useful tool to put
this value into practice.
As already highlighted, in their past many residents needed to act out at increasingly
extreme levels in order to be noticed. This was often true within their families as well as
within psychiatric institutions. In this community, we believe that residents will give a
number of signals before they act out in a destructive or threatening way. The following
example illustrates the different approach in the community.
One of the most important rules is about sharp objects. A number of residents have had
problems about cutting themselves or have strong impulses to hurt others. To address
this problem a “sharp knife drawer” is set aside in which all sharp objects are kept. The
75
rule is that everybody has to clean and put a knife back into the drawer directly after its
use. This means that at no time should any sharp object by lying around unused.
However, if a knife is found left out, a “structure meeting” is called immediately. That
means that every member of the community has to come together immediately. This
meeting will investigate who left the knife out and why. Sometimes it is a genuine
oversight. However, there are also many occasions when somebody is giving a sign that
he wants to hurt himself or somebody else. That person might not be consciously aware
that he is upset, or he might be scared to talk about it. In this meeting he or she gets
support - to find out what the upset is about and how to deal with it. If the problem is
more complex and cannot be solved immediately, plans are made to protect the person as
well as others until it is resolved.
This example shows that an escalation is prevented by "‘the structure” preempting any
hazard, and picking up the very first signal of an upset - and by responding to it at the
level required for communal safety.
The community has developed a variety of structured responses which are most often in
evidence where there is a perceived threat to individual or group security. These are
designed to provide a safe space and containment of a resident’s destructive impulses,
and constitute an additional boundary within the community “holding” environment. It
also gives residents an opportunity to examine and resolve primitive problems which get
acted out rather than spoken about. Colloquially, “living room” and “be with” structured
responses are the most used, and make high demands on the resources of the community,
both residents and staff. The former involves the resident contracting to stay within the
confines of the living room under supervision under supervision until such time as he is
feeling calmer and is convincingly safe. The community value of inclusiveness demands
that an individual not be sent away from the main focus of community life (i.e. the living
room) but he somehow included even though his behavior might be particularly
obnoxious. The latter involves a resident taking responsibility for using community
resources and contracting to “be with someone all the time. This structure is particularly
useful when residents are considered to be suicide risks. It also demands a degree of
personal responsibility in negotiating transitions from one “be with” partner to another,
which often results in a healthy peer pressure as motivation for change.
A different aspect of structure is teaching people how to organize their lives. Doing daily
jobs such as cleaning, shopping and cooking helps residents to learn how to run a
household successfully, and gives a good foundation for an independent life after
finishing the therapy. A predictable, time-structured day engenders feelings of safety and
security in people who are internally fragmented. Structure provides an external
framework to rely on in the absence of internal coherence.
Structure in the community is both rigid and flexible. It is rigid in the sense that some of
it is a reflection of non-negotiable, core values such as those about violence and stealing,
and flexible in the sense that some of it changes and develops out of experience in the
community, and is negotiable.
76
For example, a part of the structure is to hold a “feelings check” when anyone notices an
escalating situation, and this is done in a pre-structured way, so that everyone is sure to
be heard. There is an accepted protocol in community life that any request or demand for
a “feelings check” or a “structure meeting” will be met with respect and given priority
over anything else that may be going on at the time. Discussions involving competition
and scarcity can lead to quite escalated situations, and it is readily observed that
malignant dynamics here can be circumvented by any member calling for a “feelings
check”. This element of structure has a calming effect and allows rational (“Adult”)
discussion to supervene.
3. Rules
There is hierarchy of rules in the community:
“A rules” are strictly adhered to,
“B rules” are carefully adhered to, and
“C rules” are considerately adhered to.
Again, reflects a continuum of rules from rigid to flexible and also seems to bear a direct
correspondence to “primary process” development in infants, and the need for some nonnegotiable boundaries in that development. In later developmental stages, a more flexible
structure can be tolerated on account of growing emotional maturity and the capacity to
contain ambivalence.
Example : Rules Structure and Underlying Value
Core Values :
A) Strictly
Non-violence
Intimacy
Inclusiveness
Continuum : rigid
B) Carefully
C) Considerately
Sharp knife rule
eating together at regular mealtimes
not speaking “over” somebody else
Flexible
4. Contracts
The way contracts are used in this community is an important therapeutic tool. Four are
commonly used: the therapy contract, the membership contract, the “non contract' and
the “parenting contract” .
Every resident makes a therapy contract at the beginning of his involvement with the
community. It includes a confrontation contract (see below) and an agreement to work
through problems and to support others in working through theirs. It also covers a
commitment to keep to the rules.
All members of the community, including staff and longer term trainees, make a
membership contract. It includes a commitment to confront others when necessary, to do
so from a caring position, and to respond to confrontations from others appropriately.
The principles behind this and its operation are discussed in the next section.
77
Membership contracts also incorporate a commitment to keep the rules and to keep
confidentiality.
The non contract is a specific contract developed to deal with the occasions on which
residents are unable to adhere to their therapy contracts, it is an important tool for
understanding and working with resistance, and tries to prevent a sudden fracture of the
therapeutic alliance, by pre-empting acting out. It is described in section 6.
The reparenting contract is a unique feature of this therapeutic community. It sets up a
specific form of intense individual therapeutic relationship which is contained, nurtured
and governed by the community which surrounds it. Further discussion is given in
section 7.
5. Confrontation
As mentioned above, every member of the community has a confrontation contract, and
it is important that staff are included in this. It is based on a principle that everyone
sometimes behaves in a way that is uncomfortable for others and that everybody can do
something about it. Confrontations provide one part of a reactive environment which
supports people in understanding their behaviour and their effect on others and helps
them to make changes where necessary.
In their pasts, most residents behaved bizarrely and inappropriately, and as a result other
people would step back. Residents were aware of the fact that they would end up lonely
but did not understand that their behaviour was the reason for it. In the community
people are confronted immediately if they act in a way that leaves others feeling
uncomfortable or angry. They are told what it is they do that invites others to step back,
and what they could do instead, it is a principle that nobody will be rejected for
inappropriate behaviour, even though the whole group might be angry with the person.
This is important so that residents feel safe in looking at a behaviour or problem, and then
work to change or solve it.
Confrontations occur in formal groups or in adhoc “daily life” situations. There is an
expectation that people in the immediate vicinity will give priority to confrontational
situations and offer peer support. If a situation starts to become increasingly escalative
an option would be to call a more formal “structure meeting” at which the whole
community is expected to attend. This is a way to counteract a general tendency to
withdraw and minimize the significance of acting out or disruptive behaviour.
Confrontations are difficult and uncomfortable. Even though everybody contracts to
respond appropriately, there are situations where the confronted person does not agree
with the point under discussion. In this situation extra residents and staff are asked to
join in and provide a “consensual reality”. Sometimes it is agreed the confronter himself
has acted out a problem. However more often it is the confronted person who wants to
defend against the point under discussion and reacts angrily or competitively. This
person would be expected to ask every member of the group for their perception of the
situation and then to accept the group definition.
78
Confrontations also help to prevent escalations, for even if a resident displays a problem
on a low level it will usually be picked up. The emotional charge of the confrontation is
usually higher than the acting out was, and that gives the resident the necessary
reassurance that he or she was noticed and therefore does not need to act out on a higher
level in order to let people know that he needs help.
p
But I was just expressing an
Opinion______
A
What yotxsaid
Was nasty
C
Fig. G
In practice we find a clear link between Parent values and definitions of reality, for
example;
“What you said was nasty”
“But I was just expressing an opinion
This is illustrated in Fig G as a crossed transaction (non-communication) arising in a
confrontation from Parent to child, with the confronted person declining the invitation to
respond from child, and instead competing for a definition of reality from his own Parent.
This always leads to a conflict between two different sets of values and is resolved either
by recourse to the consensual reality or within a contract in which an individual has
already agreed to give way to a new set of Parent values and def initions. Justification for
this on a common sense level is that one set of definitions works and the other doesn’t.
Where residents have a parenting contract with a specific member of staff (see section 7)
it seems to be therapeutically valuable for that resident to be “claimed” by the parent.
Many staff dynamics meetings focus on issues about what might be called “parental
sovereignty rights”, and the extent to which parental authority has to be surrendered to
the community consensus.
It is interesting that this seems to be a mirror image of society more generally, where we
recognize a constant tension between the demands of the state and the rights of parents in
relation to children. This supports an explanation for some serious disturbance in the
isolation and secrecy of closed family systems, where absolute sovereignty is assumed by
parents, with no mediation from alternative sets of values from outside.
6. Resistance and the “non-contract”
It is a common feature in psychotherapy that clients reach an impasse during the process.
At different times most residents of this community respond to such an impasse by
breaking their therapy contract. For example, they might run off or act out in order to
79
avoid the problem they have <come up against, and this is recognized by the community as
■, an jntegra| part of the genera| fogaliHg
a pattern of avoidance or resistance ...L.:.,.
which is
process.
In
in its
ns development, the community sought a way to hold somebody within its safe
boundaries even when this person himself stepped outside the community by breaking the
contract, and to address this issue a “non-contract”(6) was developed. This is a contract
specifically about what to do when the general communal contract is broken.
All residents experience periods of severe confusion when they are out of touch with
reality. However, these periods are not acute all the time, and it is during a time when
they are calm and clear thinking that they are expected to design their own “non
contract”, which has to be accepted by the whole community.
It includes a clear
structured procedure of what to do in a situation when the individual starts to break the
therapy contract and does not respond to others. While the person is “clear” he makes the
commitment to follow the agreed procedure strictly and rigidly. The aim of this contract
is to help the person to calm down, to start thinking clearly again and to make a plan
a out how to solve the underlying problem. The procedure is generally very effective
and most residents use it constructively. That residents who design their own contracts
tends to ensure that they are individually suitable. Simplicity and ease of recall are the
keys to a successful “non-contract”. For example, residents might agree, on being
challenged about the seriousness of their behaviour and that they are currently breaking
their contract, to sit down, count breaths and ask for, say, fifteen minutes “time out” to
think and resume rational discussion. The agreement would be that the resident must
take full responsibility for implementing the steps of the procedure on being confronted,
ncapacitation is avoided by having some legitimate recourse in moments of panic and
high drama.
7. Reparenting
Most residents report experiences of feeling “little” and “needy” and searching for a
parent to look after them. They do not have a set of values and skills to make the world
work for them so they are also looking for somebody to orientate with and to rely on.
One of the underlying beliefs of the community is that this level of regressiveness is a
direct result of unmet needs from childhood and it was through a failure to have these
needs satisfied that emotional development was disturbed. The communal belief is that a
person will grow emotionally once these dependency needs are met. The community
recognizes these as “little needs” and members of staff, or volunteers, may take on the
role of a parent by contract.
Members of the community display varying degrees of disturbance in their attachment
patterns, and it is the job of a parent to facilitate a secure attachment within a protective
relationship. When people are dealing with high levels of personal distress, a parenting
contract helps to hold’ a person long enough for genuine resolution.
Some People see a particular member of staff as a parent and ask this person to be their
“Mum” or "Dad". This will be openly discussed and if the staff member sees this resident
80
as their child, they might decide to make a parenting contract. The clear expectation
from the parent to the son or daughter is to use this relationship to grow and to get “well”.
The ultimate goal is to have an independent and healthy life as a grown-up. As in a
healthy family (where the children grow up and move on) the residents in this community
grow to their full potential, move out and keep in touch if they choose to.
By making the parenting contract the son or daughter asks the parent to be in charge. The
parent gives a new set of values and definitions of how to relate to others and how to deal
with situations healthily. For most residents it is important to have on main person with
whom they clearly belong and where they experience having a solid home base. Even
though the parent looks after the “little needs” of their son or daughter, they still expect
them to take adult responsibilities in every day life.
Spontaneous regression is discouraged in favour of Adult to Adult agreements. This
recognizes the existence of regressive needs and tendencies, and makes possible a healthy
exploration of what the regressive ness might mean. It seems to be possible for residents
to hold together coherent adult functioning within the boundaries of the community even
though outside they might be more obviously and visibly disturbed.
Parenting contracts are not role plays or “for pretend”. A parent only agrees to such a
contract if he or she really sees the other person as their child. In their past most
residents have experienced being looked after from a guilty position, and experienced
that they were resented and unwanted by their natural parents. If a member of staff were
to make a parenting contract because it might be therapeutically important, but without
really wanting it, the negative experience from the past could be reinforced and
compounded.
There is no commitment by residents or staff in the Community that
makes parenting contracts obligatory. It does seem to be crucial, however, for residents
to make at least one firm, healthy attachment to either a staff member or volunteer as a
solid basis for change. This would perhaps, in other forms of therapy, be known more
simply as a “therapeutic alliance” but in this environment takes on an extra dimension in
terms of time and intensity, and the needs of residents.
Discussion
Although it has developed with very little contact with the mainstream therapeutic
community movement, the work done at Trident with transactional analysis has
“reinvented the wheel” in many of the concepts that are fundamental to constructing a
milieu that facilitates personal change and emotional growth. Concepts which were
described by Tom Main and Maxwell Jones reappear in a different language, and many
of the principles are recognizably similar to individual psycho dynamic or group analytic
ones. Here there is only scope to highlight a few areas where this confluence of ideas is
most apparent.
In Main’s “Knowledge, Learning and Freedom of Thought” (8), he clearly warns against
a system in which rules become hierarchically promoted to superego functions, and
handed on from generation to generation without being considered or evaluated. They
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become fossilized, fetishized and distorted - and have persecutor rather than therapeutic
power. His antidote to such destructive procedures is to maintain a culture of enquiry, in
which rules and structures are always open to scrutiny and change. This has clear
parallels with the way in which rules and structures in the community described here are
variably flexible ( depending on the vigour with which the underlying value is held) and
tend to evolve over time in response to a continual and dynamic evaluation by the whole
community. Suitable levels of supervision training and external relatedness are also
crucial in keeping a culture of enquiry alive and flourishing.
A fundamental principle of Jones (9) is that of the "‘living-learning experience” and this
can also be clearly demonstrated in this community. Every resident has significant
problems in building up trusting and close relationships or in holding them. The main
emphasis within the community is put on a healthy way of living together and most of the
therapy is about the daily interactions between people. Residents demonstrate their
problems often in the way they relate to others. Problems will be worked on as they
come up. An important goal is to learn the skill to be open, honest and defined with
others. To this end material from all the fragments of daily activity can be used, and the
structures described (for example, feelings checks or confrontations) can facilitate the use
of any of the day to day business of getting on with life in the service of emotional
growth.
In group analysis, Foulkes (10) clearly underlines the importance of a shared web of
communication in the formation of a “matrix” in which symptoms dissolve once clearly
articulated and deeply understood. An essential part of this process is the concept that,
collectively, the group constitutes the very norm from which the individuals deviate - and
the tendency is for the group
To assimilate each others’ positive attributes as well as diminishing the negative ones.
This is part of the theoretical underpinning of “democratization” in therapeutic
communities, and the community described here incorporates these principles in its
structure. Specific examples include the facilitated way in which the feelings behind
resistance and acting out are openly communicated and not punished, and how staff and
residents alike are bound together in their commitment to the confrontation contract.
Winnicott and Kohut are the two psychoanalysts whose work seems most relevant to this
community: Winnicott (11) for his concept of a facilitating environment in which
regression is encouraged, and the developing ego receives nurturance in a transitional
space: Kohut(12) for his technique of meeting the emotional needs for stable core self
development through mirroring, idealisation and twinship activities in the transference.
Up to this point, much is in common with psychotherapeutic orthodoxy; it is in the detail
of the reparenting relationship that something quite novel is attempted. For here, the “as
if’ nature of the transference is deliberately abolished, and the attempt is made to
transplant a whole new set of object relations into willing and contracted recipients. This
is not done suddenly, by coercion or in a way that could be construed as abusive, but
through the development of an intense individual therapeutic relationship in which
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primary experience, transference and everyday life sit alongside each other without
authoritative interpretation.
What makes this community so interesting is that the individual work could not be done
safely without the surrounding framework and matrix of the community, and the
community by itself would probably be unable to contain the level of disturbance,
distress and neediness of these residents without the intensive individual secure
attachments.
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PAPER ON SOMATOPSYCHIC APPROACHES TO THE REHABILITATION
OF SCHIZOPHRENICS
I would like first of all to comment on the term “somato-psychic” used in the title of this
paper. In order to make a distinction away from the word “psychosomatic” which has
become so much used today in a seeming pejorative sense I have reversed the word in
order to bring attention on a different aspect of the mind body process. The word
psychosomatic has the connotation of a condition that is negative, of a process taking
place within the person that the switch in the word I wish to here refer to a process which
is positive. The process is based on body awareness and attention with a resultant change
in the psyche of the person. Through the process which is stimulated in the body there is
a corresponding opening and healing activity within the psyche or mind.
We are all aware of how the emotions and thinking processes accompanying the
emotions have an effect on the mind. Also our attitudes have an effect on our emotions.
And the emotions may have a serious effect on the body causing health problems - what
we refer to as psychosomatic illness. Some would say today that al! physical illness has a
psychosomatic component.
In considering these Somatopsychic approaches we are viewing the energy flow in the
opposite direction. I he person goes through some bodily process or stimulation which in
turn causes an emotional reaction which can then be traced to an attitude or belief system
which causes the negative feelings or distress the person is experiencing. He may not be
conscious of the negative feelings or conscious of the attitudes or beliefs causing them to
be experienced. A change in the attitudes or belief system can then be attained for an
alleviation of the distress and a move made to build up a positive and more meaningful
system, a system that brings about a healing in the personality.
In this paper I will be referring to many different Somatopsychic processes which we
have found beneficial to patients. There are the different forms of yoga exercises - the
breathing exercises the yoga cyclic meditation exercises, the asanas - then what we call
evolutionary exercises, delacato exercises, psycho-physical exercises, dance therapy,
swimming, rage reduction procedures, theatre sessions, multi-tracking sessions.
I will briefly go through each of the above exercises explaining what is included in each
of them and our experience in using them with patients.
YOGA:
There is really no need to describe what the yoga exercises are. However, it is important
to bring out the difficulties that there are in having persons with serious mental problems
doing these exercises. It has become evident that any degree of pathology say hinder a
person in doing these physical yoga exercises. We began the yoga sessions under the
direction of Dr. Shirley Tellis of the Vivekananda Yoga Centre. The centre will be
presenting their research findings on this project in another paper at this conference.
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1 have been engaged with our patients for over a year and a half in the morning sessions
four or five days a week and have personal experience of how the patients do the
exercises and the benefits they have gained and also their problems. We have an hour and
a quarter sessions in the morning which is spent on breathing exercises and then simple
asanas. In the late afternoon there is another forty-five minute session called cyclic
meditation which consists in doing some concentrated slow movements and asanas. We
use a tape of Dr. Sh irley directing the sessions however myself or one of the staff must be
present as a leader to see that the exercises are done properly.
Some patients enjoy doing the exercises and would continue on their own even if it were
not compulsory. Some others would stop if they were not required to do them. I believe
that the two main problems which are there for those who have difficulty is the inability
to concentrate on their body and the lack of a quick, easy good sense of their body. Io
just move the body without any awareness of what you are doing, without paying
attention to the sensations that are in the arm or leg as it is moved or stretched is of no
benefit to the person. The mind and body have to be both active at the same time. Some
find it almost impossible to remain with their hands by their sides while going through a
prolonged relaxation exercise. They will move their hands to their chest or scratch their
face or put them behind their head. It took a very long time to have them stay adequately
quiet without moving during the simple relaxation exercises and yet there is great benefit
in the relaxation. Some who have the tendency to constantly talk to themselves have been
helped by the attention they have been required to give the relaxation.
One important aspect of the yoga exercises is the breathing. Again many of the more
seriously disturbed have great difficulty with deep breathing and often have reverse
breathing, that is, their abdomen will be sucked in when they are inhaling and pushed out
when they are exhaling. It is difficult to have them change this pattern. Many will be
breathing into their upper chest only and raising their shoulders as they try to inhale. This
is indication of the degree of discrepancy which exists within their body mind patterns.
Hence there is a discovery of the unconscious confusion existing that has been a block to
their functioning easily and in a healthy manner.
The cyclic meditation when done well will at times bring up disturbing thoughts and
memories. The person will sense bodily sensations that are disturbing and often may
result in strong feelings such as anger or fear.
When there is difficulty in moving the body in an easy manner for example, when a
person is unable to raise his leg in a straight manner after months and months of practice
it gives us an indication of the problem that person has paying attention to the reality
situation of his or her life. If they do not have control over their body they do not have
control over their thinking process nor can they clearly understand themselves.
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DANCE THERAPY:
The dance therapy also deals with the ability to move one’s body in the manner in which
you plan to move it. This is linked with the sense of freedom, the willingness to be open
and to let go of the tight control of one’s thinking and attitudes. The free body movement
involved in the dance requires that the person have an acceptance of self. In the therapy
session the various exercises can be used to bring out a sense of boundaries and space
both of which can help the person to consider these concepts in their relationships with
other persons. Through constant practice and outside pressure the person can be brought
to look at the rigidity which may be in their thinking and feeling. The fear that is the basis
of the rigidity can be brought into consciousness and talked about and worked. Most
important in this therapy is that feedback sessions after the practice used to bring about
self awareness and hopefully inner change. This inner change can be tried out in the body
movements deliberately so the interior changes can be reinforced.
SWIMMING:
We have found swimming an excellent from of having patients come into awareness of
their body movement. Some of them have been swimming twice a week. Those that go
swimming enjoy it very much. Some have learned to swim after joining the community.
Again there is the sense of risk and freedom in the willingness to float, to be aware of
body movements, to trust in oneself, plus the sense of touch with water that gives the
person openness to a present reality in which they are immersed.
DELACTO EXERCISES:
Moshe Feldendrais has observed and analysed the developmental stages of movements in
infants. From this, he has proposed that the development and integration of older with
newer parts of the brain might be dependent up the child’s being able to recapitulate
within the first three years of life, the critical movements of phylogenatic development. If
the developing human fails to go result in damage to body and behaviour and normal
functioning.
Doman-Delcato (The Institute for the Achievement of Human Potential) while working
with children who had reading disabilities, learning disabilities, brain damage and
difficulties in psychomotor coordination, made interesting observations. They
hypothesized, based on their experience, that brain development was the result of
psychomotor functions and performance rather then the reverse.
Temple Fay, a famous neuro surgeon, saw the stages which man’s brain went through
(fish, amphibian, reptile to mammal) as guide posts to developmental task, he could be
repatterned, i.e., physically manipulated to go through the movement that was missed. If
a child was patterned for a month, perhaps his brain could learn how it feels to go through
that particular movement. When he learns this movement, this learning would have to go
through existing but unused channels of the brain, or it might create new channels.
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Doman-Delcato proved though their experience that this theory was true. The brain can
be stimulated to develop though psychomotor activities.
Severely emotionally disturbed individuals demonstrate similar neurological and learning
difficulties. Remedial measures used with children have been helpful with emotionally
disturbed adults. We have experienced some of our patients benefiting from the
patterning and also from the creeping and crawling exercises. Evaluation of individuals
for neurological problems can be done through detailed history taking and analyzing
eyedness, handedness, sleeping postures, sideness, leggedness, etc.
The remedial measures we have used are the neurological exercises. The diagnosis of the
problem indicates the stage or stages of development that he person needs to return to and
go through. The following are some to the exercises prescribed at different stages:
rocking on the stomach, startling, crawling, eye exercises and ear
0-6 months
exercises;
6-9 months
creeping, crawling, eye and ear exercises, soft and hard
stimulation, imitating the movements of the monkey, the ape Neanderthal man;
9-16 months
cross-lateral walk, throwing and catching a ball for eye-hand
coordination, kicking a football, running, hopping, skipping and other exercises
which involve higher cortical functioning.
It has been our observation that while doing these exercises patients experience a wide
range of emotions which can be addressed in therapy. This is an important help in the
process of a healthy handling of emotions and a healthy integration of body and mind.
PSYCHO-PHYSICAL EXERC1S1S:
Each one of us speaks, moves, thinks and feels in a different manner, each according to
the image of himself that he or she has built up over the years. This we refer to as the
self-image. This self-image includes and is partly built from the body-image.
Interrelatedness of movement, sensing, thinking, feeling functions are how body and
mind interact and determine what we are and what we can do. Problems arise when the
experience of the body is more or less distorted so that when you act according to this
distorted experience of your body, there will be a disconcerting discrepancy. This
discrepancy will be evident between what you intend to do and think you are doing on the
one hand and what you are actually doing on the other hand.
For any lasting change to occur there necessarily needs to be a change in the self-image.
For this to happen there has to be a new awareness. With severely disturbed individuals
there is a gross lack of conscious awareness of both the body image as well as the self
image. Furthermore, the perceptions of bodily sensations are often distorted and the
perception of reality may also be coloured.
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The psycho-physical re-education exercises work with body and mind together to
improve specific and overall functioning and bring the person closer to his or her
potential. A great many diverse, gentle movements are evoked with attention always
being drawn to the movements and the accompanying sensations. As the person learns,
with a minimum effort, to pay attention to his body, he will find that his body will
become more accessible to his mind, and as this happens, it will function better. He will
learn that the body can function optimally when indeed or when there is an awareness,
and he will discover his extent to which the awareness was lacking.
Not only are awareness and the ability to move and sense a chanced. The cognitive and
feeling functions improve also, for the extensive changes in the brain’s motor cortex
which must precede changes in the muscular system affect adjacent brain areas as well.
Feldendrais states - “owing to the close proximity of the motor cortex of the brain
structures dealing with thought and feeling, and the tendency of the processes in the brain
tissue to diffuse and spread to neighbouring tissues, a drastic change in the motor cortex
will have parallel effects on thinking and feeling.
The body image acquires its gaps, its areas of vagueness, and its distortions in various
ways. Parts of the body and the interconnections between them fade from the image when
they are not used. A schizophrenic may lose his bodily sensations just as completely as if
nerves were deadened. Psychophysical exercises bring into awareness those parts of the
body which are not sensed or which are sensed only dimly. They also eliminate
distortions from the body image. It helps in making use of formerly unused or little used
neural pathways. Psychophysical re-education is a neural re-education which makes the
nervous system more responsive and amenable to change. Psychophysical exercises
(P.E.) cause effective communication to the brain, specifying bodily changes which the
brain can and will effect in response to the appropriate stimulus.
The primary objective of PE is freedom. It consists of many methods and techniques to
inform the person of certain facts about herself and the ways in which se can change if
she wishes F.M. Alexander, founder of the Alexander Technique, said misuse of the body
often begins in that region where the neck joins the body and he regarded this area as the
use area . When the condition of this part of the body is improved, it becomes easier to
bring about improvement in other areas. The first two PE work in this area. Muscular
tensions in the back and neck will be eliminated in the first exercise, as well as some
tension in the eye muscle.
The second PE also improves the primary areas of misuse. By markedly reducing the
excess tensions in muscles of the back, it will enable the shoulder joints to move with
more freedom and allow the head and neck to move better.
The third PE helps in the reduction of tension in the back muscles and helps in aligning
the spine. The exercise also helps to free the lower back.
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The fourth PE helps in relaxing the hip and pelvis areas. These exercises help in the
awareness and acceptance of a one’s sexuality and the problems connected with
sexuality.
Bodily movements are taught in a manner that increases and enables the person to be
more aware of her complete self. In the PE sessions patients have become aware of deep
strong feelings and spoken about memories of the past that need to be resolved for them
to establish a healthy strong self-image that can cope with the pressures they experience
within their personalities at present.
RAGE REDUCTION:
When a patient becomes aware that he has deep strong feelings of anger that have been
generated from past happenings in life they can be given an opportunity to express those
feelings in a safe supportive situation and thus be rid of them. It is essential that they
make a decision to be free of them in the process. They can be held down or restrained in
such a manner that they can forcibly move their body in any way they feel inclined to
without hurting themselves or another person.
The severely disturbed are unable to go through such a procedure because they are
usually not aware of the anger they hold within their bodies or not willing to take
responsibility for that feeling. So they act it out in other ways. When they see other
patients going through such procedures they learn that there are proper ways of
expressing anger and making changes.
MULTI-TRACKING:
The seriously disturbed patients often seem to be locked into single idea, obsession,
attitude or belief, or feeling and are unable to entertain freely a variety of thoughts,
perceptions or feelings. They seem to be set on one track, as we say a one-track-mind, not
shifting easily from one thought or perception to another and not able to keep a number
of thoughts and options open at the same time.
The multi-tracking consists in keeping many different parts of a process in mind while
undergoing varied stimulation coming though distinctively different motor functions,
with thoughts, sounds, rhythms all coming to the individual at once. Hopefully, what the
individual is learning in the process is flexibility and an openness to make changes in
attitudes and thinking. In this way the person can develop a level of freedom within the
self.
THEATRE EXERCISES:
These exercises consist in having the patients perform as players in an acting situation.
They are called to articulate their body and speak in the role, depicting behaviour or the
personality of another person. They will at times need to work out with others how they
are going to interpret a real life situation or an imaginary skit. Micmicing, silently or
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verbally interpreting a short poem, through action describing a situation are all profitable
theatrical activities.
How they handle the process of acting and interpreting gives valuable information on
issues that will need to be dealt with in other therapy sessions.
Again the goal is to bring the patient to an awareness of bodily movement, of expression
of feelings and attitudes, and an ability to chose different ways of expressing emotions.
This enables the patient to more easily recognize and accept whatever emotions they are
experiencing within themselves. They can learn that they can have inner freedom even
though they have certain emotions which seem to dominate them.
CONCLUSION:
The many different exercises that have been outlined here have been beneficial to our
patients in many varied way. Much is spoken about talk therapy which can become a sort
of trap to both the patient and therapist as for example, eliciting memories of the past to
obtain some form of resolution to healthy functioning. By working with the bodily
expressions which lead to a stimulation of new thinking and appropriate feelings in the
here and now we find that patients experience themselves differently and begin to realize
that they can live rewarding and happy lives.
SHIFTING...DIFFERENTIATION...AWARENESS...
CONSCIOUSNESS....
A Few Important Words
Living in a therapeutic community with twenty-five young adults who can be at times
seriously disturbed has given me many opportunities to experience the shifts that people
make within their personalities. These are not the usual simple shifts between ego states,
say from Parent to Child. Nor am I referring to the phenomenon of unconsciously
“shifting feelings”. I am referring to what may be considered shifts of the seat of
consciousness or of the self. May be they could be fitted into an ego state theory. Maybe
they could give us indications about how we can enlarge or further ego state theory.
I will be talking from my experience with schizophrenics and persons who have come to
me for consultation in therapy and counseling sessions. I believe that the same internal
process in various degrees takes place in all of us since all of us have feelings and
rational thinking patterns. Although often what happens is not so much a process as an
instantaneous happening we do not seem to recognize or control at the time.
Let me start with a couple of stories I have read about lately. There was an older woman
in Canada who was talking with her estranged husband one morning in her kitchen. There
was no one else in the house. He told her he was finally deciding on a divorce. At the end
of the conversation she told him to leave through the kitchen door leading into the closed
garage. As he went into the garage she shot him six times. He was severely wounded and
as he lay on the garage floor negotiated with her to call an ambulance or the police.
Finally she agreed. He recovered and she was charged with attempted murder. The court
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under psychiatric advice freed her of responsibility. The shock of his asking for a divorce
caused her to shift her consciousness into a panic state of fear and anger. Her rational
awareness evaporated. Her rational awareness was no longer differentiated from the
overpowering feelings she experienced.
Daniel Goleman in his book Emotional Intelligence recounts the story of a very
ambitious high school boy who believed he wasn’t given high enough grades in his
papers, with the result that the would not be accepted by the prestigious medical college
of his choice. The boy subsequently attacked and wounded the teacher with a knife. He
also was not charged with any misdemeanor on the testimony of four psychologists. His
normal reasoned behaviour was lost in the fear and anger of future disappointment.
In both cases there was a shift of awareness or consciousness from reasoning and
knowing what is appropriate to being overwhelmed by the strong feelings which arose at
the moment.
One of our patients, a strongly built young man of 25, was with us in our therapeutic
community for about four years. He was a fairly quiet person stubborn and unwilling to
adapt, agreeable to discuss his problems only with myself and another staff member. We
advised and pushed him to be open yet he remained always very guarded, with a bit of
bull-headedness backed by a firm self-will. He usually managed to do nothing outwardly
wrong, yet tested limits many times. His belief was that he was perfectly healthy and
normal - yet the psychological testing showed him to be one of the most seriously
disturbed in the community. He refused to believe that any psychotropic medication
would help him.
On one evening he shifted and lost his guarded control. Another patient was upset and
threatened a staff member. This first fellow immediately sprang on the other in such a
manner that he could have seriously hurt him. In discussions afterward he claimed
amnesis of what he had done. Yet with further questioning he could recall and admitted
that he believed he had to protect himself from this fellow and intended to do the worst.
In the process of his attack he had lost all contact with others. That is what I mean by a
shift. There was no differentiation of thinking from feeling, no differentiation of self from
others. He couldn’t hear others because in his conscious awareness they were no longer
there. He was lost in his feelings of fear and anger. There was also no differentiation of
the self from the feelings which were being experienced and expressed, no differentiation
between the feeling that was driving him and his normally controlling and reasoning self.
In such a process the person seems to lose all freedom. He or she gives themselves up to
the feeling drive that comes up to take control of them so they lose awareness of their
thinking and caring for self or others. Another patient has said that in her process — not a
violent process but a psychotic one — it was as if she was being conttolled by an outside
force. She experienced her conscious self as being powerless and ineffectual to break out
of the process and use her reasoning power. Fortunately she has been very consciously
attached to me in the past so she would acknowledge my voice when I spoke firmly and
decisively with her - not attempting to reason with her. 1 could imagine her to be going
through a marshy swamp slipping and sliding yet finding some solid footing from time to
time through my definitions. Her own definitions were not available for her. 1 he internal
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differentiation must be there if the person is to be aware and use their appropriate
definitions of reality which they normally use to guide their relations and behaviour.
What takes place within the personality when such happenings occur? By studying some
theories on the development of human consciousness and the beginnings of schizophrenia
in the human personality I have been able to gain some understanding of this problem of
shifting which we make in our consciousness when we are disturbed by high levels of
feelings or emotions. Giving attention to theories on the development of consciousness in
the young infant can provide some insight into this shifting. I believe it is easiest if I just
quote from some of my readings.
First there is the theory proposed by Margaret Mahler. For her the infant from 1-5 months
is in the symbiotic phase which is “a state of undifferentiation, of fusion with the mother,
in which the ‘I’ is not yet differentiated from the ‘not-I’ and in which inside and outside
are only gradually coming to be sensed as different.” In the next stage, f;om 5-9 months
the infant’s sensoriphysical body self “hatches”. “There are definite signs that the infant
begins to differentiate his own body from the mother’s body”, a sentence of Margaret
Mahler quoted by Ken Wilber in his book Transformations of Consciousness, p.86.
Notice that this particular differentiation is basically of the sensoriphysical body self
from its surroundings, because the infant’s mind (the newly emerging phatasmic or image
level) and its feelings (the emotional-sexual level) are not yet differentiated from their
surroundings. The infant exists as a distinct sensoriphysical body self but not as a distinct
phantasmic-emotional self, because it’s emotional-self images and emotional obiectimages are still fused or merged.”
In the next stage from 9-15 months Mahler says “libidinal Cathexis shifts substantially
into the service of the rapidly growing autonomous ego and its functions, and the child
seems intoxicated with his own faculties and with the greatness of the world Narcissism
is at its peak.”
Ken Wilber would say that self and object representations are still a fused unit. Obiect
representation might be loosely defined as an image the person, here the infant
infant, has of the
outside.
Mah'er says that the stage from 15-24 months is crucial to development. With the
differentiation of self and object representations a separate and distinct phantasmic
emotional self has emerged. I would put it that now the infant in some way realizes it has
feelings, becomes conscious or aware that it has feelings. It can also have an image of a
thing outside of itself. As Piaget says, it can remember that ball that is put behind the
door. That is the important aspect to be noticed; the infant is conscious it has feelings and
images. And these feelings cause it to realize that it is no longer master of the world it
must gradually and painfully give up the delusion of its own grandeur.” Think of how
the two year old has to learn to adapt. In the next year the infant usually comes to “clear
and relatively enduring differentiation of self and object representations".
In the first year of life the infant learns to differentiate its physical self from the physical
environment and so a sense of being a distinct physical self emerges. If this does not
appen, the infant remains “stuck” in a state where inside and outside are fused
hallucinatory thought processes recur and severe anxiety and depression result the person
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is open to psychosis. Somewhere between 18-24 months the infant learns to differentiate
its emotional-psychological life from that of others and a stable individual emotional self
emerges. With this individuation-separation there is a separate self. It this does not
happen then it is as if there is not skin separating the self from the world with the result
that anxiety, depression and severe thought disturbances occur - the person could be
considered borderline being open to problems that tend at times to psychosis and
neurosis. In the years from three to six the child learns to have a mental self - learns to
think besides just feel. It also learns that some feelings are acceptable and some not, some
may need to be repressed at the time, and the appropriateness of expression of feelings
has to be considered. If the repression is too strong and enduring or the expression of
feelings is done through inappropriate behaviours there can arise the different neurotic
behaviours.
And now to come back to the idea of shifting of awareness or consciousness. 1 believe
that simply put we may say that because of the level or intensity of the feelings whatever
differentiation and separation that is within us to help us function as reasonable feeling
creatures seems to fall away. The feelings being the more primitive within our
evolutionary history and stronger hey may become predominant and the reasoning and
thinking power gives way. It is very difficult to get a person in a major escalation of
feelings to listen to reason or pay attention to another’s voice as they would be open to in
other circumstances. How difficult it is to get a person being carried away by feelings to
listen to the arguments you may put forth to him or her. Their consciousness has shifted
from the thinking to the very strong feelings they experience.
As far as ego state theory goes I believe we are talking about the development of the very
primitive child ego state referred to in TA language usually as Co - the very beginning of
conscious awareness.. Schizophrenia being a regressive disease the person shifts right
back to Co or Cl, letting go of any A2 or P2. And we all do it in some degree when we
weaken our conscious awareness away from what we think best or have decided or
believe proper and beneficial for us. Or we may play games when we give into and allow
inappropriate feelings lead us - not being consciously aware that the feelings we are
acting out on now may not be appropriate to this situation or helpful to us.
Of interest in this question of shifting feelings in what Danial Coleman writes in his book
‘Emotional Intelligence’. He mentions the latest studies on the evolution of the human
brain - how the early brain is the base of the emotions and responds most quickly and
strongly and often without reference to the neoecortex where our thinking and problem
solving occurs. I quote from Coleman — "‘Anatomically the emotional system can not act
independently of the neocortex. Some emotional reactions and emotional memories can
be formed without any conscious, cognitive participation at all. The amygdale can house
memories and response repertoires that we enact without quite realizing why we do so
because the shortcut from thalamus to amygdale completely bypasses the neocortex. This
bypass seems to allow the amygdale to be a respository for emotional impressions and
memories we have never known about in full awareness.’
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So the goal in our lives if we are to control this tendency or the possibility of this shifting
within our personalities, it would seem we need to be in awareness or full consciousness
of our feelings and emotions and thinking.
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BLOCKS TO THINKING
We, all of us, use certain actions that are external, that is, can be seen and noticed and
also internal to ourselves, that is thoughts, decisions in order to avoid an autonomous
response to stimuli, problems, options that we are aware of, that come in our way.
Being autonomous I respond freely and consciously in the present situation to reach
whatever I am needing at the time. I am able to use myself to the best of my ability, and
clearly act.
Why is it that so many people really do nothing about getting what they want in their
lives, or in certain situations?
We believe in our work in a process that people use - use unconsciously - that stops
them from acknowledging or minimizing or fully ignoring something. What they ignore
or minimize is some aspect of themselves, something about themselves, some aspect of
other people or the real situation which they are involved in.
The technical word we use is discounting. For example, I wish to do very well in an
examination for my degree and yet am convinced 1 must keep spending a great deal of
time working on a story that I believe will be accepted by a publisher. I am not aware
that my efforts are being divided. I am in fact doing nothing about my desire to do well in
the examination. I can be very busy at any task, and yet that may not be the task that is
needed to achieve what I want to achieve.
My thinking must be clearly and autonomously directed to the goal 1 really want for
myself. 1 may say 1 want this, but really in fact do nothing worthwhile to reach it.
I have to become aware of this discounting. Most of us discount in some way or other.
This is especially true where people do not accept or see the options, which are open to
them. To be creative means to have the whole field open to me. I am going to bring forth
that wasn’t there before. 1 may be discounting the stimulus, the breakthrough that will
lead to the solution of a problem.
So if 1 am to be creative I must be aware of the existence of what stimuli I am
experiencing, what problems I have to face, what options I have before me, for I always
have options before me.
What problem is facing me or before me, what am I trying to solve?
Then I have to be aware of the importance of this problem. How important is it in my
life, what is the significance? I may minimize how important it is for me to solve this
problem. How relevant is this problem to my present situation?
I am fully aware of the importance I will put my strongest effort into it. If I do not realize
that I am going to lose my job if I do not make a greater effort to make sales, 1 may not
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put my best effort into increasing my sales. Some people float along in a way taking it for
granted that this is not a serious problem.
Notice the fellow on the motorbike darting in and out of traffic without a helmet. He is
discounting the value of his own life. He may be a computer whiz but his thinking is not
very creative. You would have to ask him why he is discounting at such a level.
Then we have to aware, have to admit that in any situation there are possibilities for
change. Will the fellow admit that his opinion that you cannot get through traffic without
whizzing through is open to question? That there is a creative solution if he would take
time to be open to options, believing there are options if he would look for them. That
there are viable options always.
Or he might say that the others could make a change, could solve the problem, but we
could never expect him to change; it is just not him, the persons who he is, to react
differently in the traffic situation. Nor can we expect him to work on solving the
problem, he is just not the type to do that sort of a thing. Nor couldI we expect him to
accept the options that could be discovered in the situation.
We would have to manage to get him believe that he does have the personal ability to
react differently, to solve problems, and act on his options.
Then we could go further with him and have him admit, that yes, usually problems can be
solved if we take seriously the importance of the options, the choices before us and
consider what they are. Then he might accept that it would be worth acting on those
options.
But all the discounting which he is doing is outside of his awareness. And so, it will
impair his effective thinking.
In all of this there will be involved some sort of exaggeration. It could be “you can’t
expect me to change, that is impossible for me? My friends would make a fool of me if I
slowed down”.
We started talking about doing nothing about the problem, that is nothing effective is
done to solve the real problem that is there.
But there are other behaviors which people might engage in when they are not ready to
consciously face up to what is blocking their thinking, blocking their feeling well about
themselves.
The person may indulge in agitation, which is a repetitive behavior, that has nothing
related to solving the problem that may be bothering them, and they would like to solve.
The bother may be in the form of uncomfortable sensations and so the agitation is used to
build up energy to avoid the problem. The thinking is often quite confused with a sense
that something should be done, yet unwilling to really stop, think, understand, judge,
reason and come to a solution.
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The agitation is often to limit a stronger reaction that may be brewing deep down. This
stronger reaction, for example, may be a great fear of taking a stand on a problem and so
working and thinking to create a solution out of the problem. This is a type of reaction
that can lead to harming oneself or another. Taking one’s life does not solve the problem
that was there.
The same avoidance result can be displayed by fainting, getting sick, and having a heart
attack.
The person is not using creative thinking to bring himself or herself out of a distressing
situation. The person does not realize, is not aware that he or she still has all the
capability to solve the problem only if he or she becomes aware of the confusion, begins
to understand the situation, understand all that is happening within, make judgments
about himself or herself, and find a reasonable solution to the problem which will be of
value and bring them to a comfort and peace.
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NEGATIVE STROKE ECONOMY AND WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT
What do I mean by the negative stroke economy?.
•
•
•
•
•
A look at strokes and the part they play in our lives.
Strokes given and received
Self-stroking and stroking others
1 believe in the healthy growth of the individual but the early experiences cause
the anxiety.
To avoid the anxiety - the anger - the rejection - the death
How does it begin?
According to Sullivan, the infant and child’s need for love and approval and the anxiety
connected with rejection and disapproval are utilized by the significant adults in handling
the necessary early processes designed to train the infant and child for his interpersonal
adjustment, his socialization and acculturation. Out of this educative process evolves the
part of the human personality which Sullivan called ‘self-system’, the nature of which
tends toward the rigid maintenance of its protective status quo, is threatened with change.
This defensiveness against change makes for the danger of personal rigidity, which in
turn increases the potentialities for further anxiety. This anxiety connected with change
is in conflict with the man’s general innate tendencies toward growth, toward the change
which is implied and particularly with innate motivation.
What purpose does it serve
Anxiety — stress — keep stress going — outlet for anger — and not having natural growth
The fantasy I have of myself — my self definition — game theory.
Script
Spiritual freedom which we are made for - freedom to form interpersonal relationships as
and when I wish,
With whom I wish to take decisions and use myself as I wish
the influences coming upon me from conception, even before conception
the feelings, thinking, attitudes of my parents
the unconscious attitudes of my parents
physical / biological body
emotional energy - joy sadness, anger, fear
the intellectual knowledge and the deciding - freedom
my pattern, my self as a pattern of reactions, of behaviours.
Script is considered from the negative aspect - that it is negative and destructive of
healthy growth - destructive to the ability to freely form relationships with others and
thus to get what is needed for self in one’s life
the hidden strong movements within the person pushing or driving them on
what is absorbed from the milieu
we want to become aware of what is the scripting received
we want to see how it affects my personality and functioning now
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we want to see what changes would be helpful to make today
we want to see how those changes could be made
we want to make some of those changes
Permission
Permission enabling the person to revoke, go back on the decision to follow parental
injunctions.
Understand parental injunctions and attributions - source and content
See that change is not just counter script - but a change in script
How the decision will affect aspects of every day life
How to make a decision
Decision for change
Free - uncontaminated
How to verify the correct decision for me now
in a practical suiting all three ego states
Implementation of the decision - practical steps or bahaviours also referring to child
feelings - how am I going to feel about it- fantasy - for strengthening
fantasy re-inforces .
Father - what was he like
What made him happy
What made him sad
What made him angry
What made him afraid
What feeling was he not aware of- how did he show this feeling
What did he pride himself on - although he was not aware of how much he prided
himself
What would he find most surprising about me today
What would he not identify within me today
What is it that 1 think I should be doing, when not doing who tells me to do it
What is it 1 would like to be feeling when not feeling it
When am I aware of this
What are my thoughts at the time
With whom am I at the time or with whom am 1 having or trying to have a relationship
When do 1 normally become critical of myself- with a nagging, cloying criticism
Talk about any novel you have read in the past three years and explain the reasons why
you liked it
How would you change any fairy tale that you liked and explain the reasons why you
wanted to make those changes.
Talk about a person who was important to you other than your parents and how was he or
she different than your parents
Talk about three times you were praised by your parents or make up three times you were
praised - then talk about how you fantasize you felt at the time.
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Talk
iaiK about
aoout three times one of
of your parents was angry at you - or make up three times
they were angry — then talk about what you think was really going on with them at the
time - and was this a common feeling they were having.
What were your parents afraid of that they would not have consciously admitted to being
afraid of.
What stress did your parent carry around with them — why did they not do anything about
it - what would you say to them today.
Constant reinforcement needed only in learning stages.
Variable r. - not every time
The longer the variable schedule - the more powerfully it maintains behaviour.
Shaping whatever a creature does. It will do it with more vigor at some times than at
others, in different directions, and1 so on. No matter how elaborate or difficult the
ultimate behaviour you wish to shape. ”
You can always by establishing a series of
intermediate goals, find some behavior occurring to use as a first step.
Shaping - The methods that;are to be developed and the steps
- The principles or rules, governing how, when, and why those behaviors
are reinforced.
1. Raise criteria in increments small enough so that the subject always has a realistic
chance of reinforcement.
2. Train one thing at a time; don’t try to shape for two criteria simultaneously.
3. Always put the current level of response onto a variable schedule of r. before
adding or raising criteria.
4. When introducing new criterion, temporarily relax the old ones.
5. Stay ahead of your project subject. Plan your program completely so that if the
subject makes sudden progress you are aware of what to reinforce next.
6. Don’t change trainees in midstream.
7. If one shaping procedure is not eliciting progress, try another.
8. Don’t interrupt a training session gratuitously : that constitutes a punishment
9. If a learned behavior deteriorates review the shaping
10. Quit while you are ahead
To establish stimulus control - you shape a behavior and then in effect shape the
offering of the behavior during or right after some particular stimulus .
Nobody needs to be controlled by conditioned stimuli or learned signals all the time;
living creatures are not a bunch of machines. In fact, responding to learned signals is
an effort and an effort that not only shouldn’t be carried on continuously.
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Untraining - Getting rid of behaviour you don’t want.
Shoot the animal
Punishment - never really works
Negative reinforcement
Extinction - letting the behavior go by itself
Train incompatible behavior
Put the behavior on cue
Shape the absence: reinforce anything and everything that is not undesired
behavior.
8. Change the motivation
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
P.29 - what depth psychology is trying to do for people today - so a view of the
personality- we operate from a frame of reference - we can keep examining that frame of
reference, fantasy- spirituality- experience - reflection - images - what comes up from
within - the positive taking the place of the negative - a belief that there can be growth —
talking about the positive -not just our idea - a movement
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Okay, sure. Shakti this morning - what did she do? What did she need to do to change the
attitude *1 am not ok’?. And there you are working on a-- what therapy are you going
to work out lor her which she needs to get? She needs to change her frame of reference
but how are you going to do that ? Giving her strokes ? Getting her to think? Or
making her take-in the messages?
Then, the - using the positive investment and working out some positive investment
when the person has seen the discounting and is trying to work without it. And finally,
what you get or what you are wanting to get is that the frame of reference. The person
...thinks an internal -goes with the internal. I accept Shakti as okay and herself accepts
herself as okay. There is an integration. In other words, what we would say -the person
is able to form relationships that are meaningful and that are straight and true, no longer
...needy (?) ...symbiotic type of relationship.
Questions, clarifications or anything that you want to add.
Sadness or something behind the discounting”
Could be anything: fear or anger or sadness. Yes, normally there would be some
negative feeling behind it. And the symbiotic relationship is based on the dysfunctional.
The inappropriate symbiotic relationship is founded on a negative feeling. There are
negative feelings involved.
“Discounting is out of awareness. What happens if I am :aware I am doing something and
don’t say anything about it? How would you define that?”
Well I would have to ask you why you do not confront me. You know you are doing it.
Then, we might get into : you might be discounting something
You have not discounted the stimulus but you have discounted the significance and
personal responsibility in confronting yourself.”
What is the difference between discounting and passivity? What is the connection?”
Passive behavior is non problem solving. So in the discounting 1 am either not paying
attention to the problem or ways of solving it.
“Is discounting also, a passive behavior?”
No it is a mechanism.
See, the passive behaviors, the doing nothing, the agitation, the over adaptation and the
violence or incapacitation — there must be a discount somewhere. 1 am discounting my
ability to solve the problem.
“What about passive aggressive behavior?”
That’s a term different from our Cathexis term.
Well, I mean someone sits there passively and radiates hostility to people.”
Yes, well it is anger which is different from what we would refer.
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MODELLING - A CONCEPT FOUND IN CARKHUFF’S PRESENTATION OF
THE HELPING PROCESS - ITS MEANING AND IMPORTANCE
This paper will take up the study of the concept of modeling as it is found in Carkhuff s
presentation of the helping process. Modelling is a quality or activity of the helper and
refers to those conditions of the whole personality which the helper brings to his
interaction with the helpee. To put it in simple words- it is how the helper is and how he
functions as a person that is of help to the helpee. It is not a technique or set of
techniques. It is how he presents the helping conditions in the interpersonal relationship
with the other. He provides conditions of personal interaction that appeal to the helpee
and lead him to grow out of those present perceptions or interpersonal difficulties that are
hindering his effective living. By offering high levels of these conditions the helper is the
model for effective living.
This is an important concept to be considered for we are considering what Carkhuff holds
to be most beneficial in the helping process. This concept of modeling can be found in
the various dimensions that Carkhuff gives to the helping process. The helper must be
aware of the necessity of integrating and living these dimensions, or as Carkhuff puts
them, these “core facilitative conditions” in his interaction with the helpee.
I will show how Carkhuff presents this concept using many quotes from his writings.
Then by commenting on these quotes 1 will show the importance of modeling for the
helping process. Then going through each of the various dimensions of the helping
processl will show how it is present in each. Finally I will sum up by showing the
centrality of this concept in the helping process as seen by Carkhuff. I have used for this
paper my reading of Carkhuff s Beyond counseling and Therapy and his two volumes of
Helping and Human Relations and also J.M. Fustef s Helping in personal growth.
Process: During the initial phase the helper offers high levels of conditions. His goal
being the helpee’s self exploration and self-experiencing.
Initially the helper
concentrates more on the facilitative dimensions of emphatic understanding, warmth,
respect, and concreteness in order to create an atmosphere in which the helpee can come
to trust him and the experience he offers in order to accomplish this, the initial phase of
the helping process must take place in a context of atleast minimal levels of helpercommunicated genuineness. (1)
Still within the first phase of helping, then, yet providing a transition into the second
phase, are the more action-oriented dimensions. Gradually as the helpee comes to trust
his own experience in the relationship and to make this experience known to the helper,
at least at minimal levels, there will be an increasing basis and need for the helper to
communicate increasingly higher levels of genuineness and, often concurrently, self
disclosure...again the helper is both model and agent. (2)
So it is taken for granted throughout the process that the helper is a model. As he offers
various conditions in his interaction.
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During the second phase of helping the helpee comes not only to learn to act in terms of
experiential dimensions (he learns to do all that the helper does) but also to become
involved in more cognitive, problem-solving-type activities (3)
In other words as the helpee interacts with the helper he learns from him now to act in the
relationship - and by thus acting he is helped.
Just as the helper’s self understanding and consequent understanding of others is the
source of the helpee’s self-understanding and ultimate understanding of others, so also is
the helper’s respect for himself and, when appropriate, for others a critical source of the
helpee’s self- respect and ultimately respect for others. (4)
I hus a helper who discloses himself will enable the helpee to be able to increasingly to
disclose himself as it is appropriate. A helper who is concrete and specific in problem
solving activities will enable a helpee to become concrete and specific in his problem
solving activities. A helper who is able to initiate confrontations of the helpee based upon
his experience of the helpee will enable the helpee to confront himself and others. A
helper who is able to initiate interpretations of the helpee’s communications to him will
enable the helpee to do similarly. In each instance through the various sources of
learning the helpee becomes able to do what the helper is effective in doing, although to
be sure, provisions are made in the model for helpee’s going beyond the helpers level of
functioning (5).
When speaking about the training and selection of trainees, Carkhuff speaks of how the
effective helper must be the model.
Propositon V: The effective person knows that he is both the means and the ends in
effective human relations. The effective person presents both a structural model for the
effects of a sustained relationship as well as an integrated means for attaining such
effects. In his disposition and demeanor he is confident, yet open, directionful, yet
flexible, integrated yet changing; he offers high levels of what he teaches. He is about
what he is about, and all of his activities reflect this. He is who he is, yet is not bound by
who he is. These dimensions constitute both the means and ends of effective human
relations.(6)
This quote captures Carkhuff s outlook on the person who is the helper - he offers high
levels of those conditions of the relationship which are helpful. The helper offers to the
helpee high levels of those core dimensions which will help to the helpee to enhance his
life and bring him the energy of life and the desire to live it to the full. These dimensions
flow from the helper’s personality. The person uses his own life in such a way in relation
with the helpee that the helpee grows. And his life is in some way the end - it is the
model or target that is set up for the person in this relationship. Hence the great need of
him to be functioning at very high levels. Both will grow.
This is referred to in the following quote:
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Proposition IV: Helping is a mutual shaping process between helper and helpee.
There is a great need to study the reciprocal effects of the helper-helpee interaction.
Thus, just as the level of specifiable facilitative and action-oriented dimensions affect
helpee process variables of exploration and experiencing, helpee variables affect helper
variables. Although we tend to emphasize the helper’s acceptance of the helpee, it is just
as critical to study the helpee’s acceptance of the helper. The helpee has to know, for
example, that given his circumstances, the helper could have resolved his conflicts more
effectively than the helpee has been able to do. Similarly, just as helpee’s self
exploration is an indication of helpee’s progress, so may increase levels of counselor’s
self disclosure be an indication of the increasing reciprocal and equalitarian interaction of
an effective counseling process.(7).
Two notes come from the above. He states that the helpee must feel that the helper
would be able to solve this problem if he were in the same circumstances. In other
words, the helper in some way or other communicates that he has the potency, the ability
to solve the problem or atleast be effectively with the helpee as he solves the problem.
He models a way of being a model. The second point is the mutual sharing that finally
comes about between the helper and the helpee. He comes to be one in relationship with
the other, to become like the model, functioning as model does.
Briefly we might acknowledge the three principal sources of movement to higher levels.
(1) the role model which the higher level person presents for more effective functioning
,(2) the lower level person’s experience of the facilitative conditions: and (3) some direct
teaching or shaping of behaviour involving the conditions of effective living (8).
In other places Carkhuff speaks of the helper’s way of life being of great help to him in
the helping process:
Thus, the whole therapy is available to him, both his own effective way of living and
relating which enables the clients to explore themselves deeply, and a working
knowledge of a variety of potential “preferred modes of treatment” which may enable the
client to live and relate effectively. (9)
Of interest in this concept of modeling is the way in which Carkhuff speaks of the “more
knowing” and the “less knowing”.
We are describing a system totally based upon an interaction between a “ more knowing”
therapist and a “less knowing” client and involving a fully sharing moment-to-moment
encounter complemented by anything that will work. (10)
Carkhuff often uses these words “more knowing” and “less knowing”. He seems to
divide mankind into two divisions - the less knowing learning from the more knowing.
What have the more knowing to offer in this situation? It is their way of living - their
grasp of life and its realities and their ability to handle these realities and their ability to
handle these realities. More important, they have their ability to interact in meaningful
relationships with other people,
HI
The therapist must ultimately trust his own (experience,
’
for all" 'he really has to offer
another person is his experience and those approaches which his experience dictates
utilizing. (11)
The therapist wishes to bring the person whom he is helping to the point where he can
trust his own experience and live according to that experience.
I have one last quote on the concept of modeling:
Finally the trainer or the counselor acts as a role model for effective training and
counseling. This significant source of learning is most often ignored. Thus the whole
therapist or trainer is not only offering high levels of facilitative conditions and
didactically teaching about facilitative conditions and their effects in living, but he also is
a role model of a person who is living effectively. (12)
Through all the quotes we see the insistence which Carkhuff places on the helper as a
modeling agent for the helpee. Modelling means that the helper offers to the helpee
conditions which are conditions of enhanced or effective living. In the helping process
the helpee grows by coming into contact with the helper and by experiencing living in a
helpful way.
Basic to the idea of modeling, ofcourse is the fact that the process of helping is based on
the interpersonal. The real learning that takes place between the persons is through the
being of the other. Carkhuff writes perhaps the major assumption with which we initiate
the exploration and development of effective, helping processes is that these processes
are interpersonal in both origin and nature. The helpee’s problems are almost exclusively
interpersonal ones. He may have behaved in a way that got him into trouble with other
persons, or he may not have developed sufficiently in his interpersonal functioning. Even
the term “emotional” is synonymous with “interpersonal” for the most part. When it is
employed in an intrapersonal sense to refer to what is going on within the helpee, there
are no behavioral referants and, accordingly, few visible, difficulties in functioning. It is
the interpersonal expression of experience that leads to the helping process. (13)
Hence it is in the interpersonal functioning with the helper that the helpee grows and
develops. And this interpersonal relationship is based not on what the helper knows but
on how he functions as an effective human person, on how he models and communicates
effective living to the helpee.
We should be able to gather from what has been said about the importance of this concept
in the helping process. It is not the techniques or other things that are of help in the
process but how the helper is functioning and living as an individual. In the depth of the
personal encounter which is the heart of the helping process is the personality of the
helper which becomes the guidepost or touchstone of the process. As the helper in his
personality shows or communicates to the helpee the core facilitative conditions then the
helpee can learn and benefit from these conditions, the helpee can integrate these
conditions within his own functioning - he can bring his own functioning in line with
I 12
these conditions. And in doing this, he shares in the interpersonal process which enables
both of them to grow. Foster in his book speaks of the creativity that is in the helping
process. Human beings are made to understand each other - to have love for each other.
The word love has to be given a very practical dimension, has to be translated into
concrete behavioral terms - the core facilitative conditions which the helper proposes in
his behavior to the helpee are the practical form of love. Carkhuff speaks of these
dimensions.
Those core dimensions which receive the most imposing support are those involving the
levels of empathic understanding, positive regard, genuineness, and concreteness or
specificity of expression, offered by those persons designated as “more knowing” . In
turn these dimensions are related to the degree to which the “less knowing” person can
explore and experience himself in the relationship, a dimension which is also shared by
all interactive processes between “less knowing” and “more knowing” persons. (14)
Carkhuff has found through his research that these conditions are the most important
element in the helping process:
The level of facilitative and action-oriented dimensions offered by the helper will account
in large part for the effects upon the helper’s level of functioning. In general there is
evidence to indicate that traditional practitioners neither concentrate effectively upon the
core dimensions nor offer high levels of these dimensions in their helping. The date
indicates that many of these helpers are less than minimally facilitative, and some have a
retarding effect on their helpees. (15)
Now let us see more specifically how this concept of modeling is present in the core
facilitative conditions. It will take the highest level of each of the dimensions as given by
Carkhuff and comment on how the concept of modeling is found at that level. 1 take the
highest level, for it will be clearer there.
The first condition is emphatic understanding in which the helper through his own self
exploration and understanding of his perception of the helpee’s feelings provides the
model for the helpee to accept that it is all right to experience his feelings and to go
deeper in feeling them. Carkhuff describes the condition thus:
The helper’s responses add significantly to the feeling and meaning of the expressions of
the helpee in such a way as to accurately express feeling levels below what the helpee
himself was able to express or, in the event of his ongoing, deep self-exploration on the
helpee’s part, to be fully with him in his deepest moments. (16)
•
•helpee.
•
He
Of great importance is the expression of his understanding of- the
communicates to the helpee that the helpee can express the feelings that he has, and in the
expression of them the helpee accepts the feelings and goes deeper in them. The helpee
is in living relationship with a person who is not denying feelings and the expression of
them.
He learns that it is alright to have them. There is someone with him and this
someone is showing him how to accept feelings and express them. The helpee
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experiences the benefit of this and wants to be like this helping person in exploring and
expressing feelings.
The second dimension as given by Carkhuff is the communication of respect, described at
level five as :
The helper communicates the very deepest respect for the helpee’s worth as a person and
his potentials as a free individual. (17).
Often the person seeking help in a crisis is so taken up with what is going on inside him
that he does not pay attention to his whole person, to all the capabilities that he has. The
helper appears to him as a person who accepts all that he has and communicates this
acceptance and appreciation to him. Having realized this condition in their relationship ,
the helpee can then begin to appreciate himself and all that he has - he can begin to use
himself for his growth.
In the dimension of concreteness the helper comes across as a person who is willing to be
concrete, who by his attitudes and behaviour shows that it is all right to be specific and
to look at the real experiences he is having. Carkhuff describes this dimension at level
five as:
The helper appears always helpful in guiding the discussion so that the helpee may
discuss fluently, directly and completely specific feelings and experiences. (18) The
helper is with the helpee in his concreteness, offering him this condition in their
relationship, and so the helpee is willing to discuss specific feelings, situations, and
events regardless of their emotional content.
In the level of genuineness the helper is very much himself, coming across to the helpee
as he really is at this moment. Carkhuff describes it at level five as :
The helper appears freely and deeply himself in a non-exploitative relationship with the
The helper appears this way with the helpee - he communicates this to the helpee - the
helpee realizes that it is all right to be truly himself and to express what he really is
There will be areas in himself which the helpee will wish to avoid, areas which have
caused him the trouble he is having in his interpersonal relations. In the helper he has
someone who is freely himself and he learns that that is a good way to be and he can be
that way in his interaction with the helper. And so he looses his fear of those areas which
he has been avoiding. Again it is a certain condition which comes into their relationship
because of the helper being as he is.
In self-disclosure the helper is giving information about himself; he shares with the
helpee the fact that people have common experiences yet at the same time these are
unique experiences. The helpee learns that his experiences are like those of others and
here is a person who brings this condition of speaking about them to their relationship
He speaks about himself and gains from it. Carkhuff describes it at level five as :
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The helper volunteers very intimate and often detailed material about his own personality
and in keeping with the helpee’s needs may express information that might be extremely
embarrassing under different circumstances or if revealed to an outsider (20).
The helpee learns to share in the interpersonal relationship as he sees this helper so ready
to share.
In confrontation the helpee learns to confront himself. It is another helpful condition in
his relationship with the helper. He experiences the helper as confronting him with the
awareness that this is for his benefit and growth.
He learns that there are no
discrepancies in this person who is helping him or if there are the helper wishes to know
them. He experiences that the helper will not allow discrepancies to hinder their
relationship. Carkhuff describes this dimension at level five as :
The verbal and behavioral expressions of the helper are keenly and continually attuned to
the discrepancies in the helpee’s behavior. (21)
As this person does not allow discrepancies, so the helpee learns that it is better for him
to be rid of all the discrepancies that may be in his personality and behaviour.
The goal of the helping process is to build up the interpersonal functioning of the helpee
and the dimension of immediacy refers to the relationship now between the helper and
the helpee. The helpee experiences a person who is very much involved in this
relationship with him and who communicates this to him through his expressions. And
so the helpee is willing to own his part in this relationship and see it as the means of his
deepening his interpersonal relationship - this relationship can become for him a practice
ground for their interpersonal relationships. Carkhuff describes this dimension at level
five as :
The verbal and behavioural expressions of the helper relate the helpee’s expressions
directly to the helper-helpee relationship. (22)
The helpee learns to become involved - he learns that he can be active in relationships he is willing to take action, to be with this other person who shows him how to do it.
The dimensions flow from the personality of the helper - they are not techniques.
Through his offering of these conditions, the helper opens his being to the helpee.
Carkhuff holds that this does not usually happen in roles adopted in the traditional
approaches in helping. He writes :
The theory and technique are presented by an interrelation in the complex mazes of the
roles, not the beings, of counselor and client. The theory and techniques are calculated
to prevent direct and honest communication between two parties. Indeed, there is no
communication at all unless the client fits his prescribed role. No human being, client or
counselor can be incorporated in a role ( 23)
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For him the core dimensions are not a role but the real personality of the helper,
writes :
He
While techniques may be learned and employed to communicate the primary core of
facilitative dimensions, the dimensions themselves are integrated parts of the human
personality. Although we attend to the dimensions as individual and distinctive units, the
dimensions converge at high levels in the healthy personality and at low levels in the
unhealthy person (24)
It is not possible to give techniques for the growth or development of a healthy
personality - it is by being with the other in a close interpersonal relationship, by
experiencing the healthy personality that the helpee learns.
In his findings Carkhuff states that the core conditions are the means by which the helpee
is helped most:
I hus, the helpees are helped most when they are offered high levels of core facilitative
conditions complemented by a searching for and operationalisation of constructive
courses of action. (25).
He uses the word offered - the helper offers to the helpee these conditions. The
conditions emanate as it were from the personality of the helper. They have been
integrated in his personality and are experienced by the helpee who comes in contact with
us. That the helper who presents these conditions at high levels is helpful to the helpee is
the thesis of Carkhuff and his studies and surveys all bear this out. And in the
development of helpers he proposes as main instrument training in the discrimination
and communication of these conditions. The offering of these conditions in the
experience of being with the helper is what I mean by modeling. It is the central idea of
all helping according to Carkhuff. It has to be understood in the interpersonal setting that
must be present for all helping. Carkhuff writes :
Again the principles of learning are the same as for any helping process. In regard to the
helpers contribution, he establishes an experiential base for the helpees and serves as a
model and teacher of appropriate behaviours. The helpee in turn, explores himself in the
relevant areas so that he can come to understand himself and ultimately to act upon this
understanding (26). This brings great responsibility on the helper, as Carkhuff writes :
If the helper cannot establish himself as a person who is himself living at more effective
levels than the distressed person, if the helper cannot establish that given the same
circumstances he could bring about a more effective resolution, there is no meaningful
basis for helping. (27)
One final quote is given from Carkhuff to conclude:
Proposition XII : Together the facilitative and action-oriented dimensions establish the
helper as a model for effective living.
Perhaps the point on which to conclude a
consideration of the counselor’s contribution to helping processes is the point at which all
1 16
effective helping begins, that is, with an integrated and growing person, one who is
personally productive and creative, one whose life is dominated by personal meaning and
fulfillment. Without such persons in the helping role there is no hope in the world or for
the world. (28)
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PSYCHOLOGY- EGO CONSCIOUSNESS
Psychology therefore culminates of necessity in a developmental process which is
peculiar to the psyche and consists in integrating the unconscious contents into
consciousness.
This means that the psychic human being becomes a whole, and becoming whole has
remarkable effects on ego-consciousness which are extremely difficult to describe.
I doubt my ability to give a proper account of the change that comes over the subject
under the influence of the individuation process; it is a relatively rare occurrence which is
experienced only by those who have gone through the wearisome but, if the unconscious
is to be integrated, indispensable is the business of coming to terms with the unconscious
components of the personality.
Once these unconscious components are made conscious, it results not only in their
assimilation to the already existing ego-personality, but in a transformation of the latter.
The main difficulty is to describe the manner of this transformation.
Generally speaking the ego is a hard-and-fast complex which, because tied to
consciousness and its continuity, cannot easily be altered, and should not be altered
unless one wants to bring on pathological disturbances.
The closest analogies to an alteration of the ego are to be found in the field of
psychopathology, where we meet not only with neurotic dissociations but with the
schizophrenic fragmentation, or even dissolution, of the ego.
In this field, too, we can observe pathological attempts at integration, if such an
expression be permitted.
These consist in more or less violent eruptions of unconscious contents
consciousness, the ego proving itself incapable of assimilating the intruders.
into
But if the structure of the ego-complex is strong enough to withstand their assault without
having its framework fatally dislocated, then assimilation can take place.
In that event there is an alteration of the ego as well as of the unconscious contents.
Although it is able to preserve its structure, the ego is ousted from its central and
dominating position and thus finds itself in the role of a passive observer who lacks the
power to assert his will under all circumstances, not so much because it has been
weakened in any way, as because certain considerations give it pause.
That is, the ego cannot help discovering that the afflux of unconscious contents has
vitalized the personality, enriched it and created a figure that somehow dwarfs the ego in
scope and intensity.
1 18
This experience paralyzes an over-egocentric will and convinces the ego that in spite of
all the difficulties it is better to be taken down a peg than to get involved in a hopeless
struggle in which one is invariably handed the dirty end of the stick.
In this way the will, as disposable energy, gradually subordinates itself to the stronger
factor, namely to the new totality-figure I call the self.
Naturally, in these circumstances there is the greatest temptation simply to follow the
power-instinct and to identify the ego with the self outright, in order to keep up the
illusion of the ego’s mastery.
In other cases the ego proves too weak to offer the necessary resistance to the influx of
unconscious contents and is thereupon assimilated by the unconscious, which produces a
blurring or darkening of ego-consciousness and its identification with a preconscious
wholeness.
But these developments make the realization of the self impossible, and at the same time
are fatal to the maintenance of ego-consciousness.
They amount, therefore, to pathological effects,
observable in Germany fall into this category.
The psychic phenomena recently
It is abundantly clear that such an abaissement du niveau mental i.e. the overpowering of
the ego by unconscious contents and the consequent identification with a preconscious
wholeness, possesses a prodigious psychic virulence, or power of contagion and is
capable of the most disastrous results.
Developments of this kind should therefore, be watched very carefully; they require the
closest control.
119
c. Reflections
120
Beginnings - Veeresh
1 returned to Bangalore the following morning, not fully realizing what I had accepted or
to what I had committed myself. I remembered that I had committed myself to help
Jacqui establish some sort of base for herself in India. So I had to mull over in my mind
India and make it all clear.
Some young men who were having trouble with their lives and using drugs were coming
to me to talk and it was obvious that they seemed to have some serious mental problems.
1 didn’t believe that I had adequate knowledge or training to work with them.
Yet some weeks before one young man had come to me and said he could not go home as
his father had refused to allow him to enter into their home anymore. This boy had been
given a very good school education, had not gone to college and so was really living in
the streets, or in one of the building sites, some new buildings were coming up in that
area. He had been coming to our front door and the brother who looked after the garden
often gave him some work to do and at times gave him a meal in return. He had been in
and out of the mental hospital for short periods, and because of his illness had been
chased out of his home because on a few occasions he had been violent and disruptive.
He was very open to me and would often sit on the steps outside my room and talk. He
said to me one day - “You can take care of me. You can be like a father to me. My
family rejects me and does not want me so you can help me. “
Next door to our centre there was a building in the process of being built. So I said to
him, “Veeresh, if you want me take care of you, first you must let me see you behave
properly. I want you to go over and get a job working as an unskilled helper working on
that building. You will go nowhere loafing on the streets and begging. You have to learn
to believe in yourself and take care of yourself.” He went immediately, was hired, and
worked till they finished that building. There was a small out building in our compound
so I told him he could live there while he worked and we would regularly spend time
together. And this he did. I le related well with me and stayed with me for many months.
He behaved appropriately and when we started our therapeutic community, Athma Shakti
Vidyalaya, he became a member of the community.
This may be a good time to speak about the decisive decisions we may often make after
a short few moments of consideration that end up becoming the turning point in our life.
Such a decision may become a definite turning point in a person s life and cause new
growth or new interest or pursuit for the person. After all, our life grows in meaning as
we take a decision, especially if it is a decision that will involve us in bringing about or
causing a benefit to be present in another person’s life. Without really counting how
much this new opening may cost us, without evaluating or estimating fully what it will
mean by way of adjustment in our own life we go ahead with confidence trusting simply
in our present willingness which relies on our own present positive experience.
I can remember how one short discussion in a chance meeting on the sidewalk of my
home city was the starting point of a complete change in my own life. That change has
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enabled me to be open and to let go of my limitations and transcend myself, in a manner
that is still causing my life to be more meaningful and expressive for others. This
happened to me in my college days. After a third year of college, a year of skipping
classes, neglecting studies, involved in sports, I had decided to drop college and stay with
a temporary job in an office which kept me with enough money for the regular beer
parties. Then the temporary job fell through so I had nothing, hardly any future unless I
could hopefully talk to my father into advancing me some funds. Then one day 1 met one
of my old professors on the street, who stopped to talk and said I was acting like a no
good, no better than a street bum. I had no choice but to stop and listen. I had no way of
defending myself. So I listened. Through his dressing down remarks, I stood and
listened. I had no proper defense. I tried to push away his suggestion that I go back to
classes by using the fact I didn’t have the necessary money. He kept at me. Finally he
challenged me, and my inborn nature has always been to take up a challenge. His
challenge was the offer to take up the job of teaching a small yet regular class of weak
students. He said the college needed a Latin tutor and I had done three years of Cicero’s
Latin. So the challenge was there. And there was still some sense in me. I accepted and
went back to college and later graduated. And my life developed anew from there, just
a chance meeting on a fairly busy city sidewalk. There was a letting go on my part, and
in the letting go I decided at that moment to prove the “I will show you part of my
personality . Yes, I transcended myself in those few minutes, something we need to keep
doing m our lives.
You might say this man rescued me in some manner. It was good of him. And in a way I
realize it is something I have been doing all my life after the incident and I became more
conscious of myself. I realize that I had recognized the value of pulling myself together
through the feelings that I experienced. The feelings I had at the time were movements
caused m me by the experience, the actuality of going beyond myself in someway,
reelings are movements that a subject experiences on the existential level of Intentional
consciousness, for example, when one is in the dynamic state of being in love. This
means that, in addition to practical knowledge there is another kind of knowledge, factual
knowledge. Factual knowledge is the knowledge you reach when you experience
understand and verify. This other practical knowledge you attain when you discern and
judge the value of something, as for example, if you are in love or some course of action
when you are in love. This I think is the question I proposed to myself at that moment
when the old professor proposed the teaching proposal to me, I could have phased it as
Is this worthwhile? Is it worthwhile to me to accept his offer? Is this going to help me
to mean something good to me?”
For it did mean a lot to me. F
' offered
“
Being
the teaching work meant I could earn some
money, I could go back to college (which I did and enabled me to finally graduate), I
could reestablish my life. That sort of consolation such as I had as I walked away from
my former professor is a sort of spiritual consolation as some writers have put it “like a
flashlight in the dark, always just enough for finding our way.” It is this that we are trying
to discover in most of our psychotherapy as we endeavour to bring a person to choose to
drop some feelings, or change some attitude, or let go of some negative experience or
feeling. We choose because we believe that leaving the negative experience and having
122
some sense of the comfort the new experience invites us to experience,
reaching for a relief or fulfillment we have been searching for.
we will be
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FOR A REFLECTION ON MYSELF
•
Acceptance that I have a problem
•
A belief that I can come out of the problem
•
An openness to take the help offered to me
A recognition of the need of self awareness taking responsibility for the
feelings I am experiencing
•
Realizing the importance of feeling in my life
•
A belief that there is a reason that for the feelings I am experiencing
•
Being aware of thoughts passing through my mind
•
Realizing that my thoughts are separate from my feelings
•
Being aware that I am in charge of the thoughts in my mind
•
Being aware of my attitudes and my beliefs
•
Accepting that my attitudes and beliefs will influence my thinking and
feelings
•
Being open to questions I am asked and always answer as well as I can
•
Work to understand the reason people are questioning me
•
Try to understand what the other person is feeling or thinking
•
Be aware of the volume and tone of my voice
•
Believe that I have a place and am accepted by others
•
Make efforts to believe and feel I am accepted by somebody
•
When in doubt not sure, realize of all right task and clarify
•
I always have the choice of believing or thinking differently
•
•
I need to know the reason I do any activity
I should not withdraw and be alone - I need to affirm to myself that 1 need to
be with people.
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STARTING FROM VARIOUS WORDS
Begin with “consciousness”, the role of consciousness
Look upon the many memories that have gone before - often there may be no
explanation why some memories return and others leave no trace think of the reason that the person acts or thinks in a certain manner
yet there is a reason why anything comes up
consciousness - the ability to be aware and reflect upon the present and past
experience
together with that goes the feeling experience felt now or in the past
together also there is the possibility to reflect on the attitudes and beliefs - most
of which are in some manner causing the feelings coming into awareness
another word coming up is experience
the experience of the inner self - of thoughts, values, decisions
these bringing a person to be more present to self and other
can lead to the satisfaction of a relationship
can lead to learning to trust other individuals
can lead to a trust in my life as directed and in some manner satisfying
recognizing experience helps to centre the meaning I am discovering
the above can bring the person to a sense of responsibility
as 1 am directing my self to inner growth and meaning
to a sense of freedom
to the value of discussion
discussion bringing openness and knowledge and questioning
discussion leads to new ideas - pooling knowledge
leading to relationship - making the adaptation and
with a conscious change
may be a shift or growth within
growing in self-experience
the willingness to be with others, to live, share with the others
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THOUGHTS ON TRAINING
•
We need a clear agenda for all the kids
•
What do we mean by getting well
•
What are the thoughts over actions, responsibilities that the persons should be
able to do
•
Often a kid gets mixed up on what to prioritize
•
The person needs to evaluate their own attitudes
•
The staff need a clear agenda for all the kids
•
Too many kids are staying on and on and are not willing to make necessary
changes
•
And we need to be clear on family expectations, because we become accountable
•
We need to know clearly the demands of the parents
•
There should be some therapy for parents with the kids
•
Can we bring about a situation where the parents spend some time with us
•
We need to know that the parents know what is happening
•
Can we bring about a change in six months?
•
What do we mean by acceptance of self
•
Acceptance of self is the most important experience of the person
•
The experience of self helps a person to think clearly
•
Then a person can work on his thinkings, his attitudes, his beliefs
•
How do we get a person to attempt and see and understand the problem?
•
We need to work on an assessment to reach kids self status
•
Find out what is going on in each kid
•
The person talks to the kids to get some idea of the kid
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QUESTIONS TO KEEP ME LOOKING AT POSSIBILITIES OR FOR
POSSIBILITIES
What would move me to be more present to myself in my counseling or therapy?
What does that really mean ? “Being more aware of myself‘?
How much am I aware of my values, my thoughts enter into my therapy or counseling ?
What inner decisions or work with myself will bring me more present to others as 1 work
or speak to them.
Is there any truth or benefit in the advice “in this work with others 1 must be renewing
ceaselessly?.
How do I really believe I can enable others ? What do I mean by “enabling others”?
How much do I believe that joy or well being will be experienced only from some
experience of relationship?
Or what within myself do I base my belief?
The big mortal sin of what Jacqui got into was working with people who were severely ill
using the attachment theory quite successfully.
“The key point of my thesis is that there is a strong casual relationship between an
individual’s experiences with his parents and his later capacity to make affectional bonds,
and that certain common variations in that capacity manifest in themselves in marital
problems, trouble with children as well as in neurotic symptoms and personality disorders
can be attributed to certain common variations in the ways that parents performed their
roles”.
John Bowlby “The Making and breaking of Affectional Bonds”.
“From birth to death, love is not just the focus of human experience but also the life force
of the mind, determining our moods, stabilizing our body rhythms, and changing the
structure of our brains. The body’s physiology ensures that relationships determine and
fix our identities. Love makes us who we are, and who we can become”.
Thomas Lewis, Fari Amini, Richard Lannon “A General Theory of Love" .
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POINTS THAT NEED TO BE CONSIDERED
To accept that other people have much the same experience 1 am having
It is all right to have a problem or difficulty in trying to understand what is
happening within me.
- Other people also have problems and solve them, so can I
- So I can accept that it is alright to have a problem
So I can believe 1 can come out of this problem I am having
- I believe that I can get help if I ask for it
- I need to be trusting and believe I can be helped
- So I will be open and accept the help from others
I need to be very self-aware of my thoughts, feelings, attitudes and beliefs
Take responsibility for the feelings I am experiencing
Realize the importance of feelings in my experience of myself
- Believe that there is a reason causing me to experience
The feelings I am experiencing
- Be aware of the thoughts I am concentrating on or just passing through my mind
- Beawareofmy attitudesand my beliefs
Accepting that my attitudes and beliefs influence my thinking and feelings
Be open to the questions I am asked and always answer as well as I can
- Never say, “I cannot answer” - always stop and think
Apply myself to understand the reason someone is asking me this question now
- Never say “ 1 will try to” ... be more intense and decide to do whatever it is I am
asked - or give a good, solid reason why 1 cannot.
Work within myself to understand what the other person addressing me is
thinking or feeling
Be aware of the volume or tone of my voice
Believe that I have a place” and that I am accepted by others - at least one other
- Always make efforts to believe and experience that I am accepted by another
person- especially the person talking to me now.
Or at least believe that I have a right to express myself to him or her whatever he
or she is saying to me
- When I am in doubt or not sure I realize that I have a right to ask and receive
clarification
- Always I have a right to protect myself- however it should be always fitting and
not harmful to the other wherever possible.
- I have the right to have the choice of believing or thinking differently within
myseif-and this can be different from the way others believe and think.
- I may need to justify my differences from others at times but that does not need to
cause any problems.
- I should know the reasons I become involved in any activity - and set myself
clear and reasonable goals.
I affirm to myself that I need to be with people
- It is good to have good reasons when 1 wish to withdraw and be alone
-
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A SET OF QUESTIONS
What is the purpose of asking myself questions?
What questions should I ask myself?
Who am 1?
Am 1 the same as I was?
Now is there anything different?
What caused me to think differently?
What would help me to be aware of my feelings?
What is the process that brings new thoughts into my mind?
At what age do I remember deciding?
What is necessary to make a decision?
What do I want to decide today?
What will give me certainty?
What do I do when I can’t decide?
What have I been certain of?
What influenced me then?
Was I sure of myself then?
When did I decide that an attitude was just an attitude?
Am I clear when an attitude an attitude, a decision a decision?
When did I know that I believed something?
I low do 1 change a belief? How does a belief affect me?
How can 1 be rid of a negative feeling I am having ?
How to be more confident?
How do I avoid a negative feeling?
What clarifications do 1 need for myself?
What is the process of getting clarifications?
How much can I differ from others?
How do 1 come to understand another person?
How do 1 know if 1 am accepted by others?
What is the purpose of having relationships with others?
What do 1 need to make relationships with others?
What is a perception?
Are perceptions necessary, and how do they happen?
What is the value of my perceptions?
Why is it necessary to asking for clarifications?
When did 1 become aware of my feelings?
Which feelings were they?
Am I my feelings?
What is it in me that causes me to be conscious?
Can you doubt the objects of consciousness ?
129
What do you mean by the word “discounting”?
How does a discount happen?
What does a person do, when they are being “passive”
What does a person have to do to avoid having an “emotional outburst”?
What do you mean by “Over adaptation”
Why be aware of my feelings - how can that help me?
What feelings do 1 allow myself to have - what feelings do I block?
Do I have a special interest in knowing the reasons for my feelings?
What role do the feelings have in my decisions?
Do 1 accept having feelings?
130
MIND-BODY AWARENESS FOR PERSONAL HARMONY
What we mean by mind - reflection on it
Then body and awareness of the body
The interaction between the two
The idea of stress - what is it - how it originates
How to handle ourselves so there is no stress
Relation exercises - breathing
Meditation - the use of fantasy
Why this personal harmony - our experiential need - our purpose
I am talking of mind - as distinct from brain - the brain is the physical bio-chemical base
but mind is more than brain - the feats of the mind.
We know nothing of intuition or insight-why we can recall dreams that take place in
deep unconsciousness - - faith healing - hallucination - role of imagery, fantasy — how
anxiety works - multiple personalities - behavioral changes in extreme situations - role
of groups.
The entire elaborate process by which we evaluate our sensory information, is (except for
occasional bits of information captured by conscious attention) guided by unconscious
activity.
Selective perception is a mind device we use to eliminate distractions and focus our
attention on the things we feel are most important to well-being, as we need to solve
problems or concentrate, or rest the mind by daydreaming.
Memory - and how the unconscious works within in recalling phone numbers - what
someone was wearing, etc
The role of unconscious - from it comes dreams, fantasies, detachment, peak
experiences, ecstasy, the inner sensations of joy and peace.
Our unconscious can be aware of every event in the body, from the actions of a single
cell to the state of the integrated body itself- unconscious mind is an elegant
sophisticated aspect of human intelligence that the physical functions of the human body
continuously express the mental activity of thinking.
When required by circumstances the unconscious mind can exert control over biological
functions through unconsciously directed intensions and attention, through increased
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unconscious awareness from experience and learning and by the direct attention and
intention of conscious awareness.
Mind over matter experiences.
Central control system drawing
Awareness - consensual consciousness - consciousness of things based on agreement of
my perceptions with society .
Conscious awareness of one’s internal states - I feel peaceful , a subjective feeling that
cannot be expressed at all - I don’t feel quite right - permission to become aware of
internal states.
Stress - manufactured by the mind
Stress - comes from social tensions, from mental and
emotional reactions to various
kinds of situations that we label social activities or i
interpersonal relationships - stress if
nonphysical - social stress.
Emotional stress is the result of a mental process. It is an autonomic imbalance generated
as a reaction to some perception of some kind of threat, pain or discomfort.
This
perception involves an interpretation of selected sensory stimuli, which is colored,
structured, by memories of past pain. It is also involved with the anticipation that this
pain will occur in the future as a consequence of present sense stimuli and environmental
conditions. It is sustained by indecisiveness, the inability to resolve the threat.
Steps to distress - expectations - exam - perceptions - never fully aware - mother’s
training - worry - the difference between expectations and perceptions - remembering
the friend’s word - uncertainty - images of worry - images cause the body to react anxiety - a response to the anticipated loss of life and approval by significant people in
one’s interpersonal environment.
Rollo May - the apprehension set off by a threat to
some value which the individual
holds essential to his existence as a personality.
This concept implies the fear of losing interpersonal recognition and acceptance,
anxiety is connected with anticipated fear of punishment and disapproval, withdrawal of
love, disruption of interpersonal relationships, isolation, or separation.
132
The anxiety giving rise to an anger - that gets the person into problems with others and
so is expressed in the negative strokes.
Negative strokes are better than none.
I can control from a negative stroke position
I will reject you before you can reject me
1 am afraid of really being close so I protect myself by my need for negative strokes
The fear of disapproval and rejection carried on to other people later in life.
Most important - people take in according to their economy - according to their self
definition
They can be doing something interior you do not discern on the outside and so you
wonder why is there no change in this person.
You have frustrations - you have anxiety - they have shifted it to you - you get to give
yourself negative strokes.
Any attention that denotes any non-acceptance or disapproval from any ego state -
normally taken in child.
Rumination — why can’t the problem be solved — self deception — distorting elements in
the situation - when occupied with rumination the perception of internal activities, both
cognitive and physiological becomes blocked .
People with stress 100 percent logical
The second illness is the stress of feeling stress.
Goals - you haven’t
worked them out yet — yet you have to have them
surely have them
Be definite about who you are
and who you want to be
You are the goal
You work out for yourself who you are
for you are you
that is sure
and you can identify yourself
As you are now
133
in and with yourself
You
you who you are
The attitudes, the memories, the thoughts
the feelings, the decisions
the definitions
The definitions are always there
Whether you are aware of them to enjoy
for that is you all of you
something you can appreciate for yourself
you are alive
you have life
and life is ever changing’
ever new for you if you be aware
and reflect on you and who you are
for you are you
At all times and who you are good
and full for you if
you accept to be full for you
in a way content and happy to be who you are
Reaching out to you
Feeling you and knowing you
Knowing you from deep within
Deep within yourself, deeper than you experience of yourself
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ON METHODOLOGY
The goal of all that we do here in the community is to enable young people to function as
best they can. To be reliable in the human process, functioning as an independent person
we need to be aware of all that contributes to our functioning. Each person desires to
understand their life and their various experiences. The experience that some have can
enable them to live a meaningful and happy life. A person has to realize that the
complexity of their personality, for the human personality is really very complex.
Prominent in the personality are the feelings, thinking, beliefs and attitudes. You need to
consider that the feelings, thinking, beliefs and attitudes are initiated because of the
various levels of the human personality. There is a great complexity when you consider
the biological cultural, psychological and societal tensions keep the human persona alive.
Without this complexity we would not have an active human life.
If the human person is to enjoy and find meaning in this complexity they need a
tremendous degree of awareness. The individual has to find some sort of self reliance
which will enable him or her to relate to others and in this relationship develop their
ability to trust others. Accepting others on this secure base enables the person to function
as one whole person. Then the person is able to function and grow and appreciate their
own self and share the self with others. From this secure base the person will have the full
free energy to think and choose, trust and form an attachment with other people.
The person will have the ability to freely decide what fits best for him or her now. If a
person is not clear and aware in their decision making process, they will not have the
necessary freedom to function and communicate with others. Without clarity in the
thinking and feeling there will be some condemnation of their thinking as they can not
let go of their feelings and be reactive in their environment.
Older person who can be aware of their free energy will be able to function and cooperate
in building up friendships and society. This free energy is necessary for the proper
functioning in communications with others.
When a person is not free he or she will not be aware of the feelings that are causing
them to be confused.. Now we need to look at what happens when a person looses his
awareness that they should have of the difficulties that they are causing themselves.
Often a person may dislike the manner in which he is being corrected and treated, and
will because of this distress become very angry. This anger may be expressed and when
spoken about may enable the person to reflect and let go of the anger. It is possible that
the person does not recognize the feelings of anger and so cannot express their
discomfort. With the anger they will often become afraid so they will remain quite
disturbed and afraid, whereas the true feeling of anger will not be recognized. This will
limit the persons interaction with other people.
135
NOTES - 28.09.08
The community - the functioning of the community
Order-regularity
The beginning of mental illness
Keeping a routine
Following a schedule
Keeping thought in order
Learning
Insight
First to be able to be logical
Follow rules
Respect rules - meaning of rules
Right from toilet training
Situation can arise —
Problems come up
What is a problem?
How to define it?
School rules
Understanding needed
Without understanding behave like a robot
Humans not robots
Why we stop and have a structure meeting
Each has to speak
Explain my role
Explain what was going on in my feelings
My intent - my purpose
Come to agreement - situation is settled
What has been learned - about self
Learn about the general picture - how am I to fit in?
Then go deeper — traits or practices of my personality
When did I learn ?
What do I need to change?
On level of my personality ?
My frame of reference
Am I aware of what has gone into my frame of reference?
The necessity to care for others
My sense of self acceptance
Acceptance of the other - essential
My happiness is to be with others
My need of others
At home alone you cannot help the son or daughter
Where do you place what we do here at ASV?
All the members of the community are responsible for the community.
136
WHAT 1 SEE AS SPECIAL IN ASV
On this sheet you will find various ideas expressed last Tuesday in response to the
question on what I see as special to ASV - the ideas were briefly jotted as people spoke.
1 would ask you to go through the list noting the various ideas under three headings:
1) Basic values of the community
2) Aspects of relationship within the community
3) The various methods of therapy used in the community
We will then put these together in our meeting on Friday morning.
Our discussion is to lead to some kind of agreed statement on what is the essential core of
ASV which we would preserve at all costs.
Slow kids having a holiday?
are we too protective?
is the bonding too tight?
let people be dependent but need to give a chance for independence
review restrictive structures
experiment and be flexible
how to bring about changes in kids eg. kids caught in two years situation
peer monitoring on staff level of the process of the kids becoming dependent on a
staff-parenting?
A lot more professional monitoring of each other.
-
changing the theory of the ‘bad mother’ being responsible for the schizophrenic
child.
review this process — review how we pass this theory on to the kids.
develop the talents of the kids - music- spend lot of time
change our attitude towards the family
spread our compassion to the families
137
providing each an o pportunity to develop some talent on occupation
population too large and too dependent - no time to give specialized time
keep kids on different levels doing different stages
see division on ‘older’ and ‘younger’ rather than responsible and irresponsible
change our own internal frame of reference
seeing the positive that can be used with kids
sexuality too much behind closed doors.
wm-k through’50"1' ‘“!r“nle"t
b"SiC ,h“rie! e8’
ri8hl “ «
'»
SOME PROCESS OF SPREADING RESPONSIBILITY
trying to network with other groups
staff meetings are too day-to-day
look at process
brainstorm more
-
especially about all the above
need to integrate professional standards
to keep" it in Man«ab'' “ d0
diff""1,'V a' 'i'"eS" *"°W
<li''erse “d
must have outer boundaries
avIiEe'6
3 deePer rea'izati0n and training - ‘a bigger tool box’ to be
pulling in different people for different considerations - again brain storming
tap what is available at the moment
we have lots of creativity
what are we doing with resources available
is the ‘re parenting’ fully fitting in the India context?
138
see the treatment goals
involve families in the goals.
not so right - not so afraid - trusting in our competence
mutual trust
relationships
values
comfort
permission
giving full time and energy
CARING - UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
-Getting at the root of Schizophrenia
-The intimacy among us - very special
-Practicality of problem solving
-Teaching others to solve problems
-Our practical approach - how can we solve this?
-Acceptance
-Manages to be a home rather than an institution
-Staff both professional yet intimate and relaxed
-Can take in any person no matter how trained
-A kind of freedom for each of us to work through problems
-Flexibility and support
-Not locked into any special framework
139
-Acceptance to be trusted in what I do
-Lots of role models
-Found not just bodi ly or psychological - other experiences, Spiritual
-Atmosphere
-1 herapy- part of normal life
-Choice of the contractual
-Yet deep down in the spiritual process
-No hard line between staff and kids meeting closely
-Staying with the process - not behind white coats
-Personal involvement
-Everybody’s opinion is listened to
respect and recognition
-Bonding - between staff - between staff and kids
between kids
-Recognition of kids insight
-Importance giving to feelings
-The physical contact and involvement
-Staff and kids can be equally questioned
-Expect staff and kids to function at a high level
-Personal responsibility
-Community-yet individual attachments allowed
-dedicated lot -have guts - courage to work with feelings
-Expectations put on the kids
-Fairness, honesty
140
REFLECTING ON SELF & OTHERS
Various ideas coming into my awareness - accept them all - keep it positive - for the
future will be positive - make it positive - what does positive mean? Open, leading,
could be enthralling, could contain everything always searched for, open self to all - to
whatever is now present - pick up the lead - go with it- stay aware- stay positive knowing the future is always open - future is always needy- wanting newness - has to
rely on newness - must be kept alive and active - keep all questioning - the experience
of being self - finding self - establishing the meaning for self - now - so self believes self is enticed to imagine - to feel the goodness, the enticement, drawn ahead, going with
it - it is there to be advanced - to be discovered - to be brought into the centre - there to
be shared, discovered, emphasized, emphasized as others are there - persons depend,
need to be shown the way, handed along to their dreams, yet still with me, with us,
enriching us, by the spiritual support, spiritual strength continually growing from within,
enabling, enticing to the new, to the unthought, to the new pushing its way through the
usual - could it be possible? growing capabilities, undiscovered, unthought capabilities in the now - not in the years to come — but now - it can only be sensed now - at this
time - for it fits now - is needed now - not the years from now - now in this situation with all the forces in the now -precious forces - present now - breaking forth in the now
— in gratitude accept these — grab the moment — cause them to happen — happen now —
for now just when they fit and lead ahead - let them take you ahead.
The community - first and foremost - source of strength for all prodding each and every
one to intricacies - so to aid in growing together, establishing the creative - the beauty of
positive excitement carrying each and all along -
discovering, learning, believing,
solving, widening, deepening — all possible — believe- go for it — its there — discover with
joy - be enthused - be open - catch up to the movement - there is more ahead - be
thankful - thankful for self, thankful to self - thankful to others - they lead -
they accompany - they give direction - they point - they question - they give new life,
new strength, new questions - new consolations - stay open, ready and expectant - there
is always more - more delight - more surprise - more time - more company - more
141
discovery
more depth - more value - yes, it all has meaning and more meaning - to
surprise the loyal seeker seeking the infinite.
142
THE SPIRITUAL DIMENSIONS OF REHABILITATION.
Be clear by what we mean by spiritual - what do we mean by sprit
definition of spirit.
the positive
It is known by what we can do - by our awareness - to know that we can know — to be
aware that we are aware - to decide and decide to decide - to give myself to another and
to know that that is what fulfils me.
As spirits we transcend ourselves - we go beyond ourselves - our existence is a call at all
times to transcend ourselves - to go out beyond ourselves - simply put it is to go out to
the other - to be the other.
This transcendence takes place at all the different levels of the human person.
at the level of experience - we are aware that we are always reacting in this l ife we lead —
there are persons and things that impinge on us from outside - we transcend ourselves in
the simple level of awareness that we have as we live and move with people - we learn to
be attentive.
-at the level of understanding - this sense data is absorbed within us and we react in
knowing that this sense data comes from this person or thing- we transcend ourselves in
that we put two and two together and say that this is - we are called to be intelligent.
-at the level of reflection - what we have understood we reflect on - we reason about the
person or the situation.
- we want to see what it really is - we are moved to have some ground for what we are
concerned with - we convince ourselves with reasons - so we are called to be
reasonable.
- then when we have found the reasons for this person or situation we are called further
- to find out the importance for the person or situation for us — we move into values.
And so from seeing the person as important or the situation as important we are called to
be committed.
- then we are called beyond to share with the other - to be for the other person - we are
called to be loving.
The universe then is build on this call to love each other - to share with each other - to go
out to the other - the oneness, the unity that is at the heart of all the great religions.
We as individuals are called to transcend our limited selves- there is the inner dynamism
with the human personality which is searching for unity.
Take many of the new ideas — in medicine - in teaching - in psychology - that are
prevalent in our modern world. These few ideas express the hidden dynamism in human
nature today. And we must be aware of these ideas and realize how the trends which they
describe are present within us. These same trends are present in people whom we are
working with and we can in some way or other appeal to those trends.
143
Need of community- of openness - of vulnerability - of risk-taking when being with
others - my openness to change - the person I am helping to rehabilitate must have some
influences or effect on me.
DECISIONS YOU MAKE AS AN ACTOR IN THE DRAMA OF HUMAN LIVING
It is necessary always to take some time for reflection on what is passing through your
consciousness - what are you consciously sensing at the present time - just at the present
time, the present moment — not the past now — not the future, now reflect — pay attention
- reflect - come to be aware - realize what you are aware of within your awareness
what you are conscious of right now.
Concentrate be aware — be conscious ok , what is in your mind now...
Discover yourself - reflect on yourself - conscious of yourself - discover what you are
aware of now in your self- focus on your self- examine your self- intense awareness of
your self- focus your energy on your consciousness - being conscious of self.
Your psychic energy - not a bodily feeling - a <conscious feeling - concentrate on this
energy within your awareness - that is your athma shaktii - centre your self on this
awareness -on this reflection.
What are you consciously aware of ? Stop - control your awareness - let yourself know
what you are discovering in yourself now - what are you thinking/ What are you
discovering?
What are you experiencing within yourself?
What are you sensing? What are you experiencing? What are you undergoing now? What
are you feeling?
No thinking - just feeling — feeling — being aware
Stop! Be conscious - be aware
Now be in charge - what are you experiencing?
For Lonergan, a very learned Jesuit scholar and writer, then our deepest need and
most prized achievement is authenticity.
What in your consciousness reveals your desire for understanding, for meaning?
144
What are the operations do you perform to test whether your understanding is accurate?
What operations do you perform when you are faced with making a decision? What
process do you go through to make sure your decision is good, worthwhile, responsible?
What questions arise, what factors do you take into account, What feelings influence your
decisions ?
Pay attention to these operations in your consciousness. Lonergan directs us, and we will
discover in them the norms for authentic living. We have to be :
•
•
•
•
Attentive to the experience of the data of sense and of consciousness,
Intelligent about inquiring into the meaning of our experience,
Critical in our judgment,
Responsible in our decisions and all of this becomes possible as the fruit of
God’s love inundating the human heart
So, first of all, he instructs us, notice that the operations within our consciousness have
objects. Examine your consciousness and discover that it is dynamic, always on the
move. Consciousness is intentional: it intends, tends toward, reaches out, intend of itself
toward an object. To intend is not just a transitive verb: in the psychological sense, to say
that the operations of consciousness intend means that they have objects, tend toward
objects, reach out toward objects to note them , to understand them, make judgments and
decisions about them, and if they are persons, love them.
Authenticity
Our “deepest need and most prized achievement is authenticity”.
Be aware, he urges us, of the operations within our consciousness. Notice the basic desire
of our spirit for meaning, truth, goodness, and love - orientations that are open to God.
He asked us, in effect:
What is your consciousness reveals your desire for understanding for meaning?
What are the operations you perform to test whether your understanding is accurate?
What operations do you perform when you are faced with making a decision? What
process do you go through to make sure your decision is good, worthwhile,
responsible? What questions arise, what factors do you lake into account, what
feelings influence your decisions?
Pay attention to these operations in your consciousness, Lonergan directs us, and we will
discover in them the norms for authentic living. We are to be
- attentive to the experience of the data of sense and of consciousness
- intelligent about inquiring into the meaning or our experience
critical in our judgment
- responsible in our decisions and all of this becomes possible as the fruit of God’s
love inundating the human heart.
145
Yield to the inbuilt intentionality of your own consciousness, he advises us, and you will
eventually discover “a region for the divine, the shrine of ultimate holiness,... the spark
in our clod, our native orientation to the divine.”
In brief, Lonergan invites the reader to an exercise in intentionality analysis.
Intentionality analysis is an examination of consciousness. But he warns us, it takes “an
exceptional amount of exertion and activity” to succeed in paying attention to the
operations in your consciousness. The reader, he admits, faces a stiff challenge: “He will
have to familiarize himself with our terminology. He will have to evoke the relevant
operations in his own consciousness. He will have to discover in his own experience the
dynamic relationships leading from one operation to the next.”
So first of all, he instructs us, notice that the operations within your consciousness have
objects. Examine our consciousness and discover that it is dynamic, always on the move.
Consciousness is intentional: it intends towards, reaches out of itself towards an object,
fo intend is not just a transitive verb; in the psychological sense, to say that the
operations of consciousness intend means that they have objects, tend toward objects,
reach out toward objects to note them, understand them, make judgments and decisions
about them, and, if they are persons, love them. Further, it is by the operations of
consciousness , Lonergan continues, that one becomes aware of the object and become
present to the object. “ By seeing there becomes present what is seen, by hearing that
becomes present what is heard, by imagining there become present what is imagined, and
so on, where in each case the presence in question is a psychological event”. It is in this
psychological sense, then, Lonergan uses the verb intend, and adjective intentional, and
the noun intentionality.
Second, writes Lonergan, be aware that intentionally operations are operations of an
operator. Examine your consciousness and discover that you are the conscious operator
in charge of the operations. This operator Lonergan calls the subject. The operator is not
merely the subject of the verbs “attend to, see, hear, touch” and so forth. The operator is
the subject in the psychological sense; he operates consciously. The operator is “aware of
himself operating, present to himself operating, experiencing himself operating.” In so
far as operations are intentional, then, they “make the operating subject present to
himself . Self appropriation -being present to oneself and grasping what goes on in
consciousness - is a heightening of consciousness. In addition, the exercise of self
appropriation generates horizons, because the exercise utilizes the inbuilt structure that
generates horizons. Indeed it is the intent of this book to point out in considerable
appropriation and self-definition, utilize the structure within human consciousness that
creates horizons.
What Lonergan is concerned with is the “realization of human potentiality”. But the
realization of human potentiality can be authentic or unauthentic. But it is obvious that
one can never achieve human authenticity once and for all by a single deliberate act.
The most important deliberate act, for Lonergan, is love.
146
True, Lonergan admits, with God’s grace you freely make yourself what you are, but he
immediately adds a word of caution:
Never in this life is the making finished; always it is still in progress, always it is in
precarious achievement that can slip and fall and shatter. Concern with subjectivity, then
is concern with the ultimate reality of man... with the perpetual novelty of selfconstruction, of free choices making the chooser what he is.”
It is for this reason that those who are intrigued by '‘the perpetual novelty of self
construction” and who in response to God’s love come up with the '‘free choices” that
make the “chooser what he is” can with profit repeat the Spiritual Exercises year after
year and make the Examen of Consciousness each day of their lives.
In short, what does Lonergan’s intentionality analysis tell us about the dynamic of the
Spiritual exercises? The retreatant who attempts to avoid disorderly love and give himself
totally to God will during the Exercises is (upon examination of his consciousness)
acting in accord with the dynamic structure of his intentionality and following the inbuilt
laws by which consciousness, acting in accord with the dynamic structure of his
intentionality and following the inbuilt laws by which human beings can, with God’s
grace transcend self-centered desire and reach out toward human authenticity and
genuine Christian holiness. Dynamic structure and inbuilt laws are you yourself, in your
spiritual reality, your potentiality, what you are open to: being fully in love with God; but
that full achievement of your potential is all God’s doing and the operative text for
Lonergan is Ezekiel: “God plucking out the heart of stone which has no desire whatever
to be a heart of flesh and putting in the heart of flesh, totally beyond the deserts,
ambitions even, of the heart of stone.”
Lonergan - Page 75
Be attentive. Be intelligent. Be reasonable. Be responsible.
Being attentive includes attention to human affairs (community functioning).
Being intelligent includes a grasp of hitherto unnoticed or unrelated possibilities.
Being reasonable includes the rejection of what probably would not work but also the
acknowledgement of what probably would.
Being responsible includes basing one’s decisions and choices on an unbiased evaluation
of short-term and long-term costs and benefits to oneself, to one’s group, to other groups.
Page 79
I luman authenticity is a matter of following the built-in law of the human spirit. Because
we can experience, we should attend. Because we can understand, we should inquire.
Because we can reach the truth, we should reflect and check. Because we can realize
147
values in ourselves and promote them in others, we should deliberate. In the measure
that we follow these percepts, in the measureJ we fulfill these conditions of being human
persons we also achieve self-transcendence both in the field of knowledge and in the filed
of action.
Lonergan thus spells out how one’s activity at the fourth level of consciousness is both
practical and existential.
concerned with concrete courses of action; existential in as much as control includes self
control, and the possibility of self-control involves responsibility for the effects of his
actions on others and more basically on himself. The top most level of human
consciousness is conscience.
-
Self control : keeping disruptive emotions and impulses in check.
Trustworthiness - Maintaining standards of honesty and integrity
Conscientiousness - taking responsibility for personal performance
Adaptability : Flexibility in handling change
Innovation : Being comfortable with novel ideas,
approaches, and new
information
Motivation
Emotional tendencies that guide or facilitate reaching goals
-
Achievement drive : Striving to improve or meet a standard of excellence
Commitment: Aligning with the goals of the group or organization
Initiative: readiness to act on opportunities
Optimism : persistence in pursuing goals despite obstacles and setbacks.
Social competence
These competencies determine how we handle relationships.
Empathy
Awareness of others’ feelings, needs and concerns
Understanding others: Sensing others’ feelings and perspectives and taking an
active interest in their concerns
5
Deyelopmg others : Sensing others’ development needs and bolstering
their
abilities.
6
Service orientation : Anticipating, recognizing, and meeting others’ needs
148
Leveraging diversity: cultivating opportunities through different kinds of people
Political awareness: Reading a group’s emotional currents and power
relationships.
Social skills
Adeptness at inducing desirable responses in others
Influence: Wielding effective tactics for persuasion
Communication : Listening openly and sending convincing messages
Conflict management: Negotiating and resolving disagreements
Leadership: Inspiring and guiding individuals and groups
Change catalyst : initiating or managing change
Building bonds: nurturing instrumental relationships
Collaboration and cooperation: working with others toward shared goals.
Team capabilities : Creating group synergy in pursuing collective goals.
149
Summary
The Athma Shakti Vidyalaya is a school, a i
, a research institute, a therapeutic community,
and yet something more for those to whom it has
“ :t
given hope where there was once
despair. Perhaps this something more is
is best expressed in the following lines written by
the students themselves.
We Came
We came to find ourselves,
and discovered one another.
We came to find love,
and discovered loving
We came to find a way,
and discovered there are many
We came to grow,
and found we will always be growing
It is the dream of Athma Shakti Vidyalaya that eventually, through training, research and
education, hope will be within the reach of the victims of schizophrenia and their families
throughout the world.
150
e. Talks at Training Programs
' -■!
;V X V
V'<-r-a°c<,i' _.- " z"
151
itm
TRAINING ONE -ROOTED IN SOCIAL LEARNING
We have to lead the kids to join in the social world - be with others with some sort of
ease and comfort - to know their needs in a social setting (and the family is already a
social setting) and have the ability to ask, discuss, understand, accept, see the benefit,
realize where they come from, learn how difficulties can be rightfully and beneficially
expressed, realize how they can solved, realize intelligently that I will always have social
needs and be grateful for having them.
Grateful because they lead us to come in contact with others, so we learn to be with
others, grow with others.
They cause me to observe, be aware <and realize that my needs can be fulfilled , but I will
need to be with others, learn from others, enjoy being with others, find the meaning and
appreciate how easily any person can grow once they appreciate their needs and launch
e orts to fulfill them. I recognize the benefit of being open to observation from others
and to accept my place with others, knowing that the interactions that I have with others
enables me to be more aware of myself and the means by which I become more myself.
And thus I find a richer, freer, happier existence knowing that my existence is important
necessary for the universe. Each of our kids is important for the universe.
How to make them aware of this, their place with others - may they develop the ability to
be effective in their existence with others, being able to grow and experience a whole
new experience within their self, becoming more vibrant self they meant to be.
Our kids need to learn the skills of communication, of interaction with others of
understanding others, helping others learn the skills of communication as they become
that it is impossible to find ease and comfort in being the person he or she is without
sharing with others. The person needs to learn control of themselves so that they can
easily and actively think and express themselves clearly and intelligently.
It’s like the commands to a computer.
<
If you program the commands in the right order,
the computer will use all its capabilities and produce
result
i
-- the
— ——your
jw.* desire.
viwjuv,.
If you
program the correct commands in a-------------different1 or wrong order, you will not get the
outcome you wish.
We ‘II use the word ““strategy” to describe all these factors - the kind of internal
representations, the necessary
J jsub' modalities, and the required syntax - that work
together to create a particular result.
We have a strategy for producing anything in Ilife: the feeling of love, attraction,
motivation, decision, whatever. If we discover whatt our strategy for love is, for example,
we can trigger that state at will”.
If we are thinking and trying to decide whether to speak to another person or trying to
decide whether to ask them something, if we are not decisive, we can become decisive in
152
a matter of minutes. But we have to keep active, or make active, or rely on the habits, the
learnings and habits from the past, so now in some manner we can express our self as we
wish. Our experience carries us along.
Athma Shakti - we have a methodology that will give any person the ability to
communicate to his or her own satisfaction and to the satisfaction of the other, a
methodology that enables life giving relationships to be established or enhanced. And
that is what living life is all about.
We all of us need to imagine how we can create our future — for that is what we want the
kids to do - create , fit into - develop, be open to, believe that there is a future there for
me - but each of us creates that future.
My beginnings - in Ashirwad - with Jacqui - the challenge of helping these young
people find a life that they are able to control — I would like us to begin reflecting in some
way on a different level - what is the interior self within me aware of, wanting - how is it
guiding me my thoughts, my decisions, my desires. Am 1 aware of self - finding peace
and meaning in all that I do.
What is my vision - the purpose of our organization
Or the mission - the word is used by many organizations.
How would we rate ourselves on the goals we say we set for ourselves?
How do we know we are learning, being effective?
153
FRAME OF REFERENCE
fhe following may serve as some introduction to today’s paper for discussion - “The
mind never rests." Modern life presents information at an extraordinary rate. Many
capsules of unfinished business would be ready to burst open for rethinking if a
moment s respite were to occur. Repressive brooding, anxious worry, embarrassed
rehearsals of anticipated performances are common.
et the topic, mode and manners of ongoing conscious thought can be affected by will
and intention. Suggestions can be made to “free associate”, “focus on breathing” “report
dreams , “switch to visual images”, “tune up the background mood”, or “listen to far-off
sounds , as well as to select or let go of certain topics. One can learn from such exercises
and can in a given mental state accomplish some aspects of self stepping in and
schematizing or making more simple what cannot be accomplished in other states of
mind. One word we need to consider in our study is the word “redefining” a practice
which people can use to be more clear in their thinking or to remain more unclear.
We all of us carry with us a frame of reference - that is a collection of ideas and beliefs
and definitions that enable us to know who we are and what we are and how we fit into
the world and also the fundamental definition of what the world is. We need some
definitions, some orienting to give each of us in our own style or practice ideas of what
is important. Each of us must have all this information for ourselves. In doing this we
set up what words are important for our vocabulary.
An Eskimo will have some 200 words for snow. He needs them for his frame of
reference, for his conversations with other Eskimos, for each one has their own frame of
reference but my personal frame of reference must also in some manner fit and be
appropriate with the frame of reference of others with whom I live and interact
Otherwise I may experience serious difficulties and differences with persons with whom I
am coming into contact. What they say and how they react may not fit in with my frame
of reference, that is what 1 am used to, what I feel comfortable with.
We all want to experience comfort in our living, we do not want to be met with what we
can t understand or don’t expect. And yet we cannot expect the persons whom we meet
to think exactly as we think, to be interested in what we are interested in, or to
immediately understand what we are feeling and thinking. We must be aware, of what is
our frame of reference. Have I ever taken the time to reflect and decide just what are my
attitudes, my beliefs about myself, about who I am, about how I live my life, or how 1
handle my feelings, my inner life, my principles, who I really am and what I consider
important for myself, and important for other people.
Philosophers speak about passing through the various seas of illusion and coming to the
shore or pure awareness. Can I make a clear assessment of myself and responsibly assess
my self.
Understand the principle that all psychological growth comes about by being
able to renounce outworn, infantile, ties to objects and to give up or modify self-
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representations that have become restrictive, maladaptive or outgrown”,
noted philosopher.
So writes a
It is my duty to be aware of the various differences I may experience with others around
me, and realize my need to resolve any problems that may arise because of this situation.
If 1 do not agree with the person or the situation in which I find myself, I need to
acknowledge the differences. I may find myself experiencing feelings of being upset, or
afraid, feelings that arise from some difficulty in a situation structured differently for me.
Or I may experience that at present what 1 experience doesn’t seem to tit, this is so new
to me, it doesn’t seem to fit my present frame of reference so I have difficulty in freely
and meaningfully fitting in, and quietly feeling composed. .
That has been the daily experience of many of our kids as they have grown up. Also
caretakers and parents may have had the same experience when they were sons or
daughters in an early life where they felt distant and lost. Those who are parents today
may have encountered many very stressful, unintelligible encounters, incidents, and
happenings during the teenage years. And so many young persons have ended up in a
life they could not predict, because all was upset, fears were present, angers pushed down
into the unconscious as was done habitually in the past.
What to do in this threatening situation? Take the seemingly only possible solution - sit
down and use what sense I have and redefine the situation in some manner. The person
can redefine the incoming stimuli, redefine what is happening with them so that they can
handle the stimuli coming at them from the present surroundings. So the young person
who is suffering because of his father’s uncontrollable anger tries to believe that his
father is only protecting him. Then he can cope as people have learned to cope in the
past. Some people redefine the reality because they are afraid to deal with the reality as it
is, or experience being incapable or inadequate to deal with it, or feel the need to ignore
what is happening so they can comfortably deal with it.
In building a path through the self to the far shore of awareness, we have to carefully pick
to have some beneficial
trust in our
our way through our own wilderness. We
V.T need
-----------------------ability to handle our thoughts and attitudes, our feelings, and other happenings in our
mind, quietly becoming clearer in our thinking, letting all our awareness take in the
various*obstacles we sense within our self or that are coming from others outside us,
staying aware that whatever is coming at me by way of questions and statements can be
handled. Then I can if possible, give time to reflection and judge, weigh the input
coming to me from these people, thinking and weighing the meaning and importance ol
all this as I organize to fit the experience adequately into my understanding. Once I have
the needed insight into the happenings I can enable myself to define where this all fits
with my present and future need, always taking into consideration my future desires and
aspirations.
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TRAINING PROGRAM - VOICE 001
DATE : NOV 8, 2003
Fr.Hank : Ok, now 1)
I How
"
do I reach out to another person ?
2) Where do 1 get stuck in myself? Youi can try and figure out for yourself what you
mean by stuck.
From the training room that we have, we came out of it to face this real question, we all
need to ask ourselves further and make a study sort of reflection, of how the community
functions what is the progress within ourselves as a community, as individuals, because
for all individuals living our lives and living together in the community, we all need to
eep growing. I know for myself I have to keep growing. In my group, my identity
basically is as a priest, joined with a group of men, who are all over the world. When I
was 21, 1 joined a group of men living for spiritual growth and dedication to religion
with the aim of helping people. That desire has brought me here to Bangalore. Here in
Bangalore a centre for guiding peoples’spirituality was opening up and I was asked to
come and join them in this. So I helped people with therapy. This was some years ago,
* doubted whether th‘s community could ever exist. But it became as solid as
the building housing the therapeutic community now is. That was 20 years ago when the
community seemed to me it would be just a question of our venture, to bring patients
from over all the world to Bangalore and to propose to help them resolve their serious
emotional and mental problems. How did it all start? When it was proposed to me by
Jacqui Schiff, one evening as we talked together and I hesitated to enter into a field that 1
knew very little about. And one of my problems is that I usually agree to a challenge that
comes to me. When I agreed with Jacqui, I had no idea I would play such an important
role in establishing and continuing the proposed community. 1 am sure that the group of
patients who had to come with Jacqui from the efficient United States to a disorganized
haphazard India in August 1979 never realized how they would end up. I agreed to do a
few months training in connection with this in the United States. The time I spent in our
program watching, and wondering, and learning, was my first introduction to the group of
bright active young men and women who had serious mental problems, who were
certainly ill. 1 was surprised for they spoke so well about their problems. They
described themselves well, they spoke rebelliously of their wants and desires, especially
their desires to experience physical contact, support, guidance. At the same time, in the
community they were questioned, confronted, for allowing their thinking to wander
around with no proper direction. They were given consequences for each mistake,
encouraged to build an impressive faith in this new system, the system which they
e ieve would give them the meaning to resolve whatever problems they were carrying
within themselves. But Jacqui, their “parent”, the therapist they were depending upon
was leaving and coming with me to India, taking with her a few who are willing to face
the uncertainties of the unknown and unfamiliar situations of India. Those coming with
acqui asked me queshons, so 1 became a sort of bridge, abridge between California
and India. Some were eager and others were very frightened. After all Jacqui had the
reputation of bringing young people out of their mental disability. One of the newcomers
m the open community seemed to be more eager than the others, more committed to her
struggle, hoping that India would be her solution. I wondered, as she seemed to me to
have some serious difficulty, as she was on a program to write down meticulously
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everything she was eating. If she was not eating enough, she did not want to bother about
it. Often she was not responsible for herself, or to herself and would not care for herself.
One thing she was aware of was her desire to join Jacqui’s safari to India. She was
developing the ray of hope that India seemed to offer her. As with many people, India
with its old exhaustive culture, became a fascination. For her I was a firm bond to India
and that proved to her that India exists. So she was asking many different questions.
The group came to Bangalore. They came to learn psychotherapy and learn to function
and live a healthy and happy life. A doctor friend of mine led them to the empty house.
I only arrived the next day, and had found it hard to find metal cots and mattresses. I
was not all that welcome, having come late, not a very auspicious beginning to our
community. 1 tried to find some fruits and vegetables and easily discovered that fruits
and vegetables were available and appreciated. Jacqui agreed to accept a crate of them
after they were chemically treated to remove any contamination. In a few days the
routine community living began in earnest. The structures and all important therapy
sessions that are the backbone of community functioning, were in place. Agreed
decisions covered the details of daily routine living. For example, structures were
established about who could go outside the house alone, who was to be always restricted
in the living room, who could be trusted to compere the music. 1 had to convince this
group that the huge dangerous outside world is basically friendly. And so managed to
have the group living together happily.
As the human persons that we are, all of us in some way or other search for meaning
and happiness. This comes to us from relations that we have with ourselves and with
others. Speaking of relationship, it takes me back to the solid stone building, the home
as a community in Hulimavu village about 4 kms from the original Athma Shakti which
started 20 years ago. In the community the tradition still continues. Over the years there
have been numerous workshops and training sessions given by therapists and trainers
from other countries, India is not unknown as it was 20 years ago. The prime therapy, is
still given main importance, the attachment therapy. This enables those lacking security
to emerge from their hurt and crippled personalities. This enables a person to reach out
to trust, and become responsible for self and become an independent person. In this
treatment process strong relationships are formed. The community has become a living
source of relationship as all members, those in the Hulimavu community and the
extended community, enjoyed sustaining and rewarding relationships that they have
formed within the community. Last evening I had a call from Ghorakpur from Mohan,
who is one of the kids here at the beginning. There are many people who still remember
those first days we had. So why, I wonder , give an idea of myself, what am I about,
what is my motivation, what am 1 doing with myself? We have to reflect, view
ourselves, and get back to the desires that make us happy. So each of us with renewed
vigor and zeal to work, we get people moving, seeing and loving the world. We need to
have people see the world, see it and love it and renew their contact. So they enjoy
being in a really worldwide community, and simultaneously a local network of friends.
Always a local community seeking to serve others across the world. All of us we share,
we interact, and we talk. They had this meeting with 400 Jesuits from all over the
world. They spent 3 months talking and discussing, and this is what they came up with.
They emphasized the startling reality of God’s love, that we all are made for love,
157
however we express that acceptance and love to each other. I would question how much
trouble you have in believing that you have been loved, or that you are being loved
today.
When I speak of spirit, what is this spirit? It is deeper than your thoughts and deeper than
your feelings. This is the spirit, that’s deep within you. The mind and the heart within are
the essentials of life. What gives that life to mind and the heart is the spirit. The spirit
will make us open to love. Situation is so simple, no excuse needed, no complications
but we have to keep open and trusting. The contract requires us to act as a group with a
universal mission, realizing at the same time the diversity of our situations, it is a world
wide community, and simultaneously with a network of local communities. We seek to
serve the communities across the world. Our mission is a safe endeavor in a chosen place
open to follow the gift of justice for all. We must see it as a unified home in which we
depend upon each other, globalization technology and environmental concerns, that
challenge our traditional boundaries and have made us look, work, we share our
boundaries. Our hands have increased our awareness and
we bear a common
responsibility to the welfare of the entire world and its development in a sustainable
living and giving way.
To live this mission, we have to do this work , in our broken world, we need to turn on
our brotherly spirit. I have a room in Mount St.Josephs across the road that’s where I
go and enjoy a familiar folk community, in which we nourish and express with great
intensity, so much passion, that will unify our differences and bring to life our creativity.
I can go anywhere in the world and I can see my community welcome me and share with
me. In our training program, this is the way 1 put it. But here in Athma Shakti we have to
lead the kids to be able to lead a normal life, that which fits for them although they may
have to struggle to feel at ease.
We have to lead the kids to join in the social network, so to be with others, with some
sort of ease and comfort, to know their needs in a social setting . Our community has
already a social setting, and members have the ability to ask, understand, discuss, accept,
see the benefit, realize where they are coming from, and whether the difficulties can be
rightfully and beneficially expressed, in their thinking can they realize how difficulties
can be resolved. The person intelligently realizes, that I will always have social needs,
and I am grateful for having these my social needs including the need to talk to others,
the need to help others. We have to be grateful because these needs lead us to come into
sharing contact with others, to be with others and grow with others. These social needs
that I have , cause me to observe, be aware and realize so that these needs can be
fulfilled. God presents us with the needs, the way we grow and experience ourselves in
certain way. Human beings have ease as they share with others We can not exist by
ourselves. Because it is in the mutual observation we become aware and realize that our
needs can be fulfilled, that we need to be with others, learn from others, enjoy being
with others. Once you appreciate your needs, and experience having them fulfilled and
satisfied and you appreciate the goal of a meeting here now. Why am I talking to you ?
We have to rejuvenate, energize the present. We need to leave the past community and
move along with the community that beckons us. Remember we are never alone, we may
be sitting doing nothing, not talking to anybody but we are not alone ever. You have a
duty to be with others, to react and enjoy with each of the member of the community, all
of us, each one of us being a moving effective person. I need not use any fancy words.
158
We are created to be effective persons in getting our needs met, effective in forming and
enjoying our relationships with others, learning to love and to have a beautiful living
experience of being loved by others, so that each of us can grow, become independent,
enjoy being the persons we are, able to make attachments, being supported in our
attachments, through our attachments growing in insights, understanding attachment,
understanding our need for being attached, our need for being able to love others and by
being able to love ourselves we recognize the feelings we are experiencing, and the love,
the purpose and meaning of each and every feeling that I have. All that comes into my
conscious life, realizing the reason for any feeling coming into my consciousness and
how that particular feeling is enabling me to reflect on my present attitude towards
myself and towards other persons and in this manner directing me to think necessary
thoughts so that I can guide myself in my own awareness of myself. I may guide others
by the directions that are open and accepted by me to take the steps which would bring
me to a sense of my work for myself, and my work for other people, good activity for
all of us , all that takes place in our world, each one for ourselves and for other people,
whether it is father, mother, brother sister, family, relationships friends ya, you know
that’s how human life goes. Firstly awareness of the feelings of little one month old child
enabled to find a satisfying, pleasant feeling, realizing I can make moves to bring him
back those feelings, the cause and effect, this causes this, this causes that, the cause is
not outside, the cause is within me seemingly within my body mind, not from outside. I
can change the awareness and avoid those feelings that seem to bring me discomfort.
Some remain with me causing me discomfort and I do not feel I have the need to equip to
escape from those negative experiences and they remain with me and I do not realize
they are negative experiences and are going to remain within myself and may cause so
many hesitations and dissatisfying moments in my life. It is only later or hopefully or
fortunately, at some favored moments in my life, another person seems to accept me and
understands in some manner that I can not explain. That this person accepts me even
though I am coming from my negative experiences and may even struggle to avoid the
person but as I speak with the person and draw a comfort from the person 1 find a trust
in myself, and a growing belief that 1 can find meaning and happiness in my life. That a
person may provide that transforming process is what we may go through here, in this
building, in these rooms, the living room and dining, room, badminton court, that’s what
we are doing, be aware of our negative feelings, and be willing to talk about any
negative thoughts and feelings. Everybody needs to talk about and free oneself. I hat
has to be, because to observe and to realize that their needs can be fulfilled, our kids need
to learn the skills of communication, of interacting with others, of understanding others,
helping others as they learn the skills of communication, as they become aware that it is
impossible to find ease and comfort in being a person who is not sharing with others. The
person needs to control themselves so that they can easily and actively think and express
themselves clearly and intelligently with other people. We have a strategy for producing
anything in life, feelings of love, attraction, deeper relations, decisions, whatever. If we
discover our strategy for loving, we can trigger that state as well. If we are thinking and
trying to decide whether to speak to another person or trying to decide whether to ask
them something or not, then we become decisive in a matter of minutes but we have to
keep active, rely on our habits, the learning and habits from the past. In some manner
express ourselves as we wish and share with others clearly and intelligently. In Athma
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Shakti we have the methodology that will give any person the ability to communicate to
his or her own satisfaction at the satisfactory hours, a methodology that enables the living
relationships to be established and enhanced, that is what living life is all about. It is
becoming free, within myself, free to use myself, to understand others, to share with
others, and to hear from others. All of us need to imagine how we can create our future,
well that is what we want our kids to do, and help other people create their future. This is
what we want our kids to do, create, freely sit into, develop, open, that there is a future
tor me. I hat each of us has to create a future for ourself. I mentioned the beginnings of
my life. I would like to begin reflecting, what is the interior self within me is aware of,
my desire, how is it guiding me for peace and meaning in all that I do. Do 1 have peace?
peace meaning 1 am happy. What is my vision, what is the purpose of ASV, what is our
mission. Mission’ the word for all big companies, they use the word mission for all their
trainees now. How do we rate ourselves and say that we are set for ourselves, moving
for ourselves. How do we belong? How do we know we are learning? We have to be
open to discussion, get any feedback, we have to get ourselves moving.
Tea Break ....
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VOICE : 7 (Training Program)
Now let us go back to beginning. We have to begin from the beginning, for each and
every person who has been mentally ill, there has been a beginning, of the illness. Very
much that we will be talking about in this book will be the beginning of the history of
each and every person that has been connected to Athma Shakti. We will need to talk
about the individual who has been with us in the community in the past; in the present the
people have come to Athma Shakti looking for something that will help them to live their
lives with other people. When a person came to Athma Shakti, within himself they were
feeling for quite long that they have difficulty in their contact with other people, they
have difficulty in establishing contact with other people, many have no desire to phone
contact with other people, phone any type of relationship with other people.
Most people who have come and spent time in Athma Shakti have been brought here by
parents and relatives and most have come after being spent some years of treatment with
a psychiatrist or psychiatrists or being in hospitals. They come to us really with great
difficulty because they cannot be with other people, they cannot function with other
people, in a way they cannot understand themselves, why they behave like this? It is
difficult for them to reflect upon themselves and decide how they want to react, what
they want to do or even they ask themselves what can 1 do? In the circumstances in which
they find themselves, they don’t experience they have feelings, often those feelings are
very negative feelings. So, I very much guess that as we begin we need to realize that
here in Athma Shakti, we believe they are basically poor people and most of the words
we use for various feelings or degrees can be put down to before our basic feelingshappiness, positive feelings and feeling good. I feel happy and I feel good are the
feelings so very important to us. In a way they guide us, in a way they give us, enable us
that there is some meaning in our lives because of the feelings. What is the role of those
feelings in our lives? If we would not have those feelings, how would we guide
ourselves. How would we choose what would we like to have? The awareness enables
us to be conscious of those feelings we are experiencing within ourselves at anytime. So
they are necessary to be with us or our life from the moment we are born with the
feelings, even before we are thinking we have feelings. Slowly as a very young infant we
begin to realize we have feelings. We begin to look at the reasons why we have those
feelings that we have. That brings us to be obedient to thinking and to look at the reason
the thinking has to do with the reasons for our feelings. But as we think over these
feelings, we begin to decide certain ways of behaving we do which gives us the good
feeling and try to avoid what gives us the negative feelings and then we begin to take
challenge of ourselves and we begin challenge our personalities and we decide what
will help us to avoid the sadness. Yes, we find some reasons why we are afraid? What
we must do to avoid being afraid? Must do word seems to be some sort of command.
So we find within ourselves there is this command structure. Something that tells us,
something that command us what to do? So now we will be coming to these feelings and
then thinking about those feelings, then the command structure tells us what to do. So
those really basic visions take place within ourselves. So as we live teach day, live the
day with these three feelings, thinking, attitudes and the belief. Attitudes and beliefs are
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those things sort of through which we guide ourselves. We form these sorts of guide
notes. Because we are told in certain ways in the beginning of our life by our parents.
They want us to feel positive within ourselves and through that they guide us so that we
are able to control our feelings and avoid negative feelings, but we are free to make
changes within ourselves. This is what the Athma Shakti is all about, the ability to be able
to change myself, so that I change my thinking, or I change my feelings or attitude or
belief and extract freedom that is necessary for us if we are to live a happy and
meaningful life. We want to have that and we want to experience that happiness. And
that is the goal of our lives as a human person, justifying towards that happiness. So we
have parents, the parents who have given us the life we have and who wish us to have a
good and a happy life, the life that is fulfilling for us, the life that is meaningful for us.
We in the beginning may feel very uneasy to accept to do the guidelines that my parents
give me and yet over the years it gives me the sense and happiness that I experience in
my life. So I need to learn what causes me to have various feelings that I have. Finding
out what feeling I have? That I have to look at and study so that I can discover what
causes me to have those feelings that I have. Especially the negative feelings so often
that most of life I have to be questioning and find out what causes me to have those
unpleasant feelings. I need to admit to myself that I have negative feelings and question
myself as to why I am having these negative feelings and anger. Sometimes when I want
something and I am not getting it I will be angry. I have to make a big effort to study why
am I having this anger? What is the reason? Why it bothers me? It is causing me trouble
and what can 1 do to be rid of it? Many times young people come here and they are quite
angry and they are afraid of their difficulty in meeting and talking with people. They feel
often they are helpless that they cannot do anything to brake out of the anger or fear. No
one seems to be there to resolve this and that is where we at Athma Shakti works to
bring the individual person realize the negative feelings that they are having and through
our efforts bring them to discover the reasons why they are having these negative
feelings. And when we know that for once, we help them to change.
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Chapter IV
LETTERS TO PARENTS
163
Date : June 24, 1998
I address this letter to all friends and members of our extended community of Athma
Shakti Vidyalaya.
We had the house-warming and dedication of our new home on June 21 1998
Everything went well on that day. We had lunch for 300 people. I thought people might
be interested in the words which I said as we made the dedication of this, our new home.
Thanksa'WayS
8ratefU'
W'" many °therS f°r a" y°Ur Care and SUppOrt °Ver the years'
.................And so we come to our dedication of this building We dedicate ourselves with this building
as it becomes the home of a community being built
with living stoneswe are united with others around the world
as we do whatever we can to make this world one living
community of acceptance and love.
164
Date : January 10, 2005
1 begin this letter at the beginning of 2005 with various thoughts and feelings coming up
in my mind, together with many worries, some encouragements, legitimate doubts and
creative ideas. There is always much to be considering and of course, our starting point
is always the past and the possible future. As we reflect we become aware of the
accompanying feelings, positive and negative, that give us the insights and direction that
enable us to build up our lives. I hope that we, all of us in any way attached to Athma
Shakti, will be aware and supportive of those decisions we need to take to enhance our
own individual lives and the lives of all those who share our world.
In our present review we register the thoughts of thanksgiving and gratitude for the year
2004, a year that gave us the opportunity to celebrate the 25 years we have dedicated to
the rewarding task of enabling meaningful mental health and productive living tor all of
us. In 2004 we had some kids move out to work and support themselves. One or two did
training courses. And then we had others join the community. The present kids in the
community are much involved in developing their strengths and capabilities.
There are two goals of 2005 1 would like to see fulfilled. One is to have the second floor
of our building completed so we have more space and the kids are more comfortable in
their rooms. The second is to set up a definite training program based on our
methodology that we can offer to interested persons who have some interest in the field
of mental health and psychotherapy. Hopefully these two goals can be fulfilled this year.
Along with these, 1 would personally like to concentrate on one specific area of
rehabilitation, that 1 consider the necessary first step in gaining or regaining mental
health. We need many different words to help us describe this simple goal, or rather
intervention, leading to the goal of being able to function independently and always
responsibly in life. If I would put it simply, I believe that all people in the mental health
field and that is all of us, realize the essential step needed to be taken by the disturbed
person. That small but often frightening step is to be open, to trust, or relate, or deeply
connect with another person. We are talking here about a simple, inner decision made on
the basis of a trustful experience that in fact cannot be fully explained, but also cannot be
fully denied.
I refer to a very definite, real action that takes place within a person that leads to a
realization that this small act of trust is worthwhile, as meaning, opens up something, lifts
something, makes existence lighter — we could go through many words but still not give
an apt description or understanding of this experience — for it is often an experience that
will not be understood, it just is there and it feels good.
Many young people with mental health problems can carry on many pursuits. I hey
might study, learn to be efficient on a computer, go shopping, can sing, can dance, but
cannot appreciate their interaction with another person. They cannot or will not set aside
their own feelings and attitudes and beliefs or intentions in order to understand in a
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meaningful manner the feelings and attitudes that are being expressed by the other
person, even though the other person is doing their best to support them and be of
assistance to them. They never experience or seriously acknowledge a compassion, a
kindness. They find quite impossible a willingness to adjust to the other because they
unconsciously at some period in the distant past have decided that they are alone and
must stay alone for their own well being or safety. For them in their protective outlook
the world is not kind and the persons they have to deal with in the world are not kind.
The person with serious mental problems has a serious difficulty, almost an i
impossibility
of making the different interactions in life fit significantly together for him or her. So it
is up to those who can make sense out of life to reach out to the mentally ill with
compassion, gentleness, understanding, patience and quiet firmness. Yes, it is almost as
if you are attempting to have a small child understand. Usually the child will understand
you because he or she might unknowingly trust you in some way. So our task is to find
some natural and reliable intervention that will bring the mentally ill to a point where
they will decide to trust, to trust at least one person so fully that they can lead out of the
labyrinth they seem to be lost in .
We are a charitable registered society operating a therapeutic community, often referred
to as a rehabilitation centre.
We have a license granted by the local district
commissioner. This license comes under the Mental Health Act of 1985 .There are many
centers for the mentally ill which have been functioning for over 20 years and whose
custodial care and treatment is highly appreciated by the resident’s family
Besides all this I would ask you to keep me informed of your thinking about Athma
Shakti concerning any helpful ideas you may have and what you may wish or require
from us.
Fr. Hank Nunn S.J.
Director
166
26th September 405
I have not written a letter to parents and friends of Athma Shakti Vidyalaya for many
months. Time slips by, we let it go, and miss out on the contacts that we could have had
with each other. I have been slow in keeping up the contacts and relationships that are so
necessary for each and every one of us. I am renewing, seems I am always renewing. Of
course if there always is a real renewal I will be gaining, and any gain will be a boon for
me.
When visitors enquire about the latest events of my life and the special breakthroughs. 1
tell them 1 have become personally committed. Then 1 point to the reason tor the
commitment, a real living reason they will have already encountered at the door in the
form of big black frisky Alsatian. Imagine friends giving a huge animal to a 75 year old
man on his birthday. However they can be excused because when they handed me this
gift, he fit snugly in the palm of one of my hands. So I have had a very happy companion
with me, a transformed companion who had to be quietly lead through the eight month
transformation into a quiet pet. Having my big bounding four-legged friend around was
not to everybody’s liking in the community so he had to learn to restrict his playfully
taking a person’s arm between his teeth, realize how long his tail is so he doesn t brush
faces as he walks by people sitting in mattresses in the living room and that there are only
a select few willing and allowed to give him strokes. Now 1 have an obedient companion
with me on my mornings’ long walk, one who will sit and reluctantly lay down on
command, even roll over and play dead for the trainer. Because of him 1 had dropped my
habit of taking two nights off each week. Now 1 know he will be no trouble if I take time
off. He will give me permission to have time off.
Enough of my dog story. He sits with me in my office and when 1 am in groups, as last
evening when I sat with the kids for my regular Sunday evening chat. 1 suppose I can
call it a chat although sometimes it is more of a lecture or quiet exhortation. 1 like to
have a topic suggested by the group. Usually it is a topic that relates to therapy. Last
evening we ended up looking at “reluctance” an important word in therapy.
I used the word reluctance, an acceptable word, that fits easily with the condition or place
that some of the group audience find themselves in at present although they most often
have reluctance to admit that they have a reluctance to accept that their problem seems
to centre around a reluctance. Could we not say that much of the psychological
problems that individuals have is simply that - a reluctance to admit a reluctance? Nice
words to describe a miserable, wretched, firm condition. For that is what it is. 1 he
condition is firm, it is closed off, lacks any movement to be free, a fear of movement, an
understandable fear but still a fear that blocks movement to wellness. The perceived
misery causes anger, yet denies the deeper real causes of the anger. So it remains. And it
is wretched because the sad, melancholy person suffers in this condition of reluctance.
At some level he or she wishes the troubles would just disappear.
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From my experience I would say this experience is very common with people with
psychological problems whether they have slight problems or full-blown mental illness.
The first question I ask of parents or someone making enquiries about placing someone in
ASV concerns the ill person’s realization and understanding of their problem and their
motivation. All of us have personal problems some less, some more than others. If we
are to have a happy and meaningful life of relations with other people it is necessary that
we be conscious and aware of the bumps and humps of our inner life, of our personality.
By being conscious of the difficulties we experience within ourselves , and as we make
the required efforts to resolve those difficulties , we actively and continuously further our
inner peace. Our inner peace leads to relationships. A healthy inner life enables us to
initiate and continue relationships with persons. We are persons born with the
wherewithal to live a life of relationships with other persons. But that wherewithal is
delicate. Made up of so many factors, it is the gift that makes our life more beautiful,
causes us to write poetry, to make marvelous paintings, to wonder, to perceive, to
understand, to choose, to value, to love.
Our peace, our happiness in relationships with others depends first and foremost on our
acceptance that any disturbing, negative experiences that disturb us can be examined,
understood, judged and resolved. All this depends on our inner freedom, our greatest
gift, our willingness to question our own experience of self. This freedom is always with
us, but perhaps the personal gift most easy to deny. It seems very odd but people with
serious mental problems often deny this gift of freedom in the name of freedom. They
can deny this most essential gift by claiming some sort of inner freedom that is not free; it
is some sort of closed determination, some sort of obsession, causing the person to claim
a pernicious isolation. Some people may lightly call that reluctance. A nice word, but
the reality may keep many people ill. We need to realize that we must maintain the true
reality of our freedom whatever the cost, because this freedom keeps me questioning,
keeps me healthy. This freedom empowers me to reflect, to perceive what is real, to
understand what is real, to listen to others, reflect on advice given to me, to choose what
is the best choice to make at the present moment in my search for supportive
relationships, for love.
Many things can go wrong if we lose or reject that freedom, lose that freedom to listen to
understand, to weigh all the factors in the situation. One of the kids in the discussion last
evening said, “Yes, we must keep wanting what we want, so that we can want what we
want’’ . She is referring to the two year old’s stance, “Give me what I want, no questions
asked . Yes, she m her life she has wanted just what she wanted and did what she
wanted, all of which has resulted in humiliation, great pain and unhappiness.
Or we are afraid to use that freedom, we are reluctant to decide to make a change or
move within the orbit of our thinking, our feelings, attitudes or beliefs. In my experience
this reluctance keeps many individuals blocked in what they say, others say, is their
problem. The unwillingness to let go or to shift their attitude keeps many trapped. Often
I have had the experience that visitors who come to ASV find that we are over
demanding, too demanding, on the persons here for treatment. We must make the
demands, for most often these persons are quite reluctant to make the necessary healthy
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demands on themselves.
They have no idea that they can use (athma shakti) their
freedom, activate their freedom, give up their reluctance, and in the process come to a
new view and realization of the negative experience they are having. This is a very
simplistic way of describing this immense struggle that the person with mental ill health
goes through. Yet 1 believe that this is the route they must be open to take. There is no
other road except be aware of thinking, and facilitative deciding.
Here at ASV they are never asked to do this alone, no therapist would ever ask a person
to choose without bringing them first to some knowledge and insight of just where the
limitation is, for example, where their feelings may be contaminating their thinking,
keeping them locked up in anger or fear.
They are given the acceptance and
understanding needed to support them. In many cases this personal acceptance and
mutual understanding continues lifelong.
1 have sketchily described one process of getting well, and the reason tor the existence of
ASV. This process has given me happiness over the years, as I have been with people
going through it. The reluctance is understandable, but the reluctance can be a barrier on
the road to wellness. We can use many other words to describe the basic difficulty
individuals have, and refer to other behaviors, not so acceptable as the word reluctance,
but the process and outcome is the same. Each individual must find and act on with their
freedom, no matter how much reluctance they may experience within their personality.
The community goes on as usual. At sometimes the atmosphere is bright and active, at
other times a bit heavy like the dark monsoon clouds hovering above us. Often the
situation is the result of the dynamics I was referring to in the sentences above. Some of
the kids are busy using their inner freedom so they are not stuck in the negative feelings
that have bugged them for a long time, others are reluctant to trust that if they let go of
their old burdensome negative beliefs, they will find a new experience in their living with
themselves. Then comes the question how to convince them to let go. I believe that
many of you probably have experienced how difficult or even impossible the convincing
can be. Still the impossible can be made possible, especially through relationships, the
reason we have a therapeutic community.
There have been good initiatives in the community in the form of discussions on some
planning for the future; some planning being tentative, may be morethan tentative; some
serious talk on raising funds so we will be more comfortable and we can answer the
needs of people coming to us for help. Any expansion in the future will mean funding
that begins with at first finding out, sounding out the various possibilities.
So much to keep us energetically active and moving, as we remain earnestly searching
for the effective process that enables persons to establish the renewed foundations of their
psychological well being.
Fr. Hank Nunn SJ.
Director
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19th December 2005
Yes, a new year, a change of calendars, an exchange of good wishes, a hopeful look
ahead. May all these activities lead us, each in his or her own way, on a move ahead.
But remember we are not on a road. The road is not out there in front of us, for us to
walk on or drive on. No the road ahead is going to be built in our spirit. In some way we
lay down that road ahead by means of the experiences within our own spirit.
What those experiences will be, and how we react to them depends on each of us. Mostly
they will be of our own making. Sure we will be surrounded by many happenings and
trends and so called breakthroughs, but as we go through the year these happenings can
be seen as only the root causes of our experiences. We enhance and develop our
experiences as we choose to react to all the influences , the pressures, the environments
we continually find surrounding us. There is no running away, no escaping our living in
this world given to us now. So it is best that we stop and direct our minds, our hearts, our
personalities in order to grow, to live, as we would prefer to live, to discover for
ourselves our individual meaning as we go along day by day.
This morning I was sitting quietly in my room for my usual meditative period after
coming back from my morning walk with Kandu, my dog. Then I had a special thought
about Kandu, he who teaches me always to expect something good to come along. He
wakes me, expecting me to rise and take my walk with him, expecting me to give him a
full meal when we get back, expecting me to play ball retrieving with him later in the
day. What he expects usually happens. He trusts in his expectations, trusts that life is
favorable to him and that he will be all right. Atleast he always seems to be expecting
something to happen; may be this is because he is still young.
But ourselves, what do we expect? Are we alive to expectations? I believe we all have
expectations according to which we organize our thinking and our lives. We all want to
move ahead and have a fulfilling, meaningful life. To have such a life come about only
as a result of our efforts, be they physical efforts or mental efforts or spiritual efforts. We
all need to take care of our health so we will be present to all the wonderful benefits
coming into the world in the coming years. Hopefully we will always be desirous to keep
learning all there is to learn in the various branches of knowledge concerning history,
culture, science, and religion. We are all in some way or other on some sort of spiritual
search to feel more secure within ourselves, more knowledgeable about this whole life
adventure is, more at peace with ourselves and others.
We expect and want the world to be better, our experience of life to be more rewarding,
happier. And at this time with the new year coming upon us, all of this comes to mind.
But what effort do we really make within ourselves to make life better for ourselves?
What will bring us greater enthusiasm for living, greater satisfaction with ourselves? All
the pundits will tell us it is our own responsibility to bring all this about, to make it
happen. And 1 guess it is.
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After being with so many people who are seeking for more satisfaction in being the
persons they would like to be, 1 believe that the key word in all of this is “relationship”,
relationships of love. Let us skip the “love” word just now and concentrate on the
“relationship” word. Many believe the discussion gets a bit “soupy’ when you start
speaking about “love” So stay with the idea that all of us have come into this world
through relationships, find meaning in relationships, and find happiness in warm, solid
relationships.
My experience with the young people here for treatment in ASV is that all have or have
had some problems with relationships Of course 1 might add that all of us being human
find our relationships are often not as smooth as we would wish. One of the first
indications of having emotional problems, serious emotional problems, is the withdrawal,
The defenses the person unconsciously sets up for protection, the defenses that keep them
isolated within themselves often behind a wall of fear or anger, distant from caring others
who would like to relate to them.
To take a brief review of the news on the TV or in the newspapers, allow yourself to
recognize that the news is again and again about broken relationships between states,
groups of people, individuals. Notice the often-total lack of freedom to be open and
adjust to others, the unwillingness to freely relate to others, freely open in trust and
reciprocate the other’s concessions, interact and settle in shared understanding. And
recognize the terrible human suffering that flows from this refusal to relate openly and
with concern.
So how to cause a new year to happen, a real new year, one that is different? It is
possible; this must be our belief, even though it goes again all the odds. All of us can
believe that dependable relationships can come to exist. And a relationship has a strong
element of faith, of belief. And also an important addition that needs to be added, hope.
Each of us has to generate our own hope as we generate jour own faith that life can be
more fulfilling for us, richer in relationships.
There is a phrase that 1 read each morning as I reflect on my own life. It gives me an
impetus to renew my faith in my call. The phrase is u‘to make known...the lovingkindness in the heart of my God” 1 believe that the ability for any person to form
relationships is engendered from the loving-kindness in his or her heart. 1 hat is in a way
the main purpose of “Athma Shakti”, to enable all of us to live with greater lovingkindness in our hearts. Let us hope that our relationships may deepen and grow in the
year 2006 so that the year may evolve in such a manner that more loving-kindness will be
found in the hearts of all of us.
Thanking you
Fr. Hank Nunn S.J.
Director
171
March 20th, 2007
It has been a long time, many months, weeks gone and days.
I have finally decided that I must communicate with persons outside of our compound
Enough of an introduction. And with that I am brushing aside an admission that I have
quietly reneged from taking the time to write. 1 have had lots of questions rising up in
my awareness, lots of ideas to be squeezed for brilliant ideas, lots of intentions to be
followed through on quietly, seriously. Sure, I know that I function best when I am
aware and active with the usual result that unconsciously I begin to “make things
happen". From my experience of myself 1 realize that I am not much of a quiet “status
quo” person. I wouldn’t have come around all the corners in my life had I been satisfied
with letting the ball bounce along. I always wanted to dribble and kick it around - why
one my better ways of passing time not writing letters in the past few months has been
watching the Arsenal and Manchester United boot the ball around on a Saturday
afternoon.
J
Be that as it is ,1 have been at home in the community busy with the regular therapy
sessions and group work and office work.. I have done interesting reading from my
favorite Ken Wilbur on our psychological, spiritual development from the womb to
nirvana, and other various authors on the tremendously interesting interactions among the
millions of cells in our brains. So much is known about our brain today. Yet many of us
seem to be back with the primitives who did not know they could control their feeling
reactions when they thought of the person who so many years ago had used a certain
word that they surmised meant they had diminished intelligence or judgment. In one of
the books the neurobiologist described how much tremendous knowledge he learned
from the brains of little chickens on how they learned to store information. How to
handle all the wanted and unwanted, pleasant and unpleasant information stored in our
brains, and bodies also, that is my concern, that is the engaging question. We can be
nappy, responsible, capable individuals or unhappy, depressed, prejudiced individuals It
is our choice.
Let me quote a few sentences from one neurobiologist - “Experience is a term in the
behavioural lexicon. Its translation in the language of biology is plasticity. To function
effectively - that is to respond appropriately to its environment - all living organisms
must show two contradictory properties. They must retain stability - specificity - during
development and into adult life, resisting the pressures of the endless buffeting of
environmental contingency, both today and over a lifetime. And they show plasticity that is the ability to adapt and modify the specificity in the face of repeated
experience.....To unravel the dialectic between specificity and plasticity and to
understand its mechanisms form some major tasks to modern biology.”
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Status quo and change
athma shakti.
makes our lives interesting, appealing, amusing and exciting -
Now to some business. We have yet to move into the second floor. There a few
adjustments to be done. The boys will move to the second floor. And the girls will have
another room on their floor so there will be four in each room rather than six and the
night staff rooms are much roomier. I will move back into the main building on the
ground floor making a proper office for myself and a bedroom from the two crowded
bedrooms the boys will happily vacate.
With all the construction we now have four spacious bright rooms to be used , a room for
computers, a new bright library, a room for formal psychophysical exercises, a room for
any activities. Plus we have the large room above the present “living room” that could be
used for meetings or courses or lectures. Come and see.
Fr. Hank Nunn SJ.
Director
173
July, 2008
It is Thursday the 3 of July and today I have finally found a good opportunity to share
with you my reflections of the Parents’ Meeting that we came together for on Friday, the
27
of June. To have the meetings and some discussions is very educative and
heartening for staff and kids and hopefully for you also. It is also informative and
productive - necessary. For me it is experiential, so this experience must not be allowed
to just vanish. Although it cannot really vanish since it has all been recorded in the cells
of our bodies and more importantly in the grey cells in our skull (some scientists claim
that they are also found throughout our body). Any experience remains with us and
considering the amount of conscious or unconscious attention we, each of us, allow
ourselves to pay to the experience will be a means of deepening our understanding of
ourselves and an invitation we may give to our personality, our ego or our self to find a
deeper meaning in being the person each of us believes himself or herself to be and in
living the life we want to live.
From the feedback some of you have given me this meeting has been rated the most
useful, most effective, worthwhile and beneficial, that we have had so far. I felt fairly
pleased with the atmosphere we engendered together concerning this important concern
we all have —energetic functioning of all persons connected in any manner with Athma
Shakti.
Still I wish my own rating of the meeting could have higher, more to what I would have
preferred. After reflection my rating was somewhere in the range of 35% to 40% on the
categories that come to mind now —participation, depth of sharing, creativity, surprise,
wonder. These categories just spring up before me now as I write. So let me attempt to
explain to myself what I mean by each of them.
Participation - yes, as a member of the community, at a particular encounter of a
special, specific community, where each person with equal rights and duties could open
themselves or herself to be ready to acquire important insights concerning self, son or
daughter, brother, sister, resident here in the community. With this happening through
the evolving meaningful, intellectual engagement we have had together , everyone had an
opportunity to advance their facility in expressing their needs and desires, and at the same
time establishing an agreeable manner of relating to each other, something that may not
have been possible at home in the past. Through the growth of trust that our kids have
hopefully assimilated within this community, they will take the opportunity to venture to
experience some tentative ability to relate more meaningfully to one other person or to
many others. Through this continually growing skill in communication, ease and
awareness in developing some sort of self-transcendence with others, he or she will then
allow their self to actualize the meaning of their life.
Sharing - In the sharing comes the actualization of self. Our life from the very
beginning is a process of becoming more alive. We are born having tremendous
potentialities. One philosophy that comes from the Europe of seven or eight hundred
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years ago, and which I had to study fifty years ago uses different ideas to describe this
situation. It is based on two concepts or words — “Act” and “potency” . These are two
simple words but they define life and existence. We might surmise that the divine is
purely act without needing any potency. As such the divine enlivens us as spirits but not
as pure spirits but spirits living in a body. As humans our life actually exists as an
indestructible spiritual life which we live in a physical body with the ability to think,
reason, decide, choose and love. When born the human person has life and this life is
pure potency to take a decision, to decide, to choose, to act, to love. Our whole life after
that is based on or built, composed of or formed or directed by the choices we make.
Even the small infant reacts when it finds itself comfortable or not comfortable, hungry
or not. When we make a choice, we bring into energy or act the potency we are
energizing. In this way we are responsible for all the life strength we cause to enter and
energize our life. Another way of speaking on this is to say that we begin with a “tabla
rasa” - a blank sheet with nothing on it. And as we choose we lill it. Actualization is at
the core of the treatment in Athma Shakti. Each and every person has the opportunity
through their choices to actualize themselves - become as they wish to be, as they need to
be. The crux of the problem is in the ability to be aware of one’s potencies and the
choice to energize them or not. A person needs to be aware and concerned as to which
potencies have special value and meaning for them. These need to be brought into act. A
person has the potency to accept what the other says, consider it, and not automatically
actualize their anger. I have the potency to accept my fear, examine it, study it, and then
only act, to withdraw or go ahead, to express myself, fight with you or agree with you. 1
have the potency to love or not to accept the love offered to me. Meanwhile all the while
1 need to keep examining whether the reasons for my choices are sensible and valid or
not. If I say stubborn and refuse to admit that I always have a choice I will have
difficulties in relationships with other persons. I can refuse to think, refuse the offered
help, or the offered love or the love given in reality. I can always, always act differently,
refuse the offered interest or care or love. I could fall into the trap of losing friends and
becoming isolated, and further along down the line, perhaps become neurotic, psychotic,
or eventually suffer some form of mental illness.
Creativity - When my potencies are all open, I can create a life for myself. I am not
tied down by my past choices, my past acts, the decisions I took about myself and other
people up to the present day. When creative 1 will be open to all the many potentialities I
have at the present time. Psychotherapy’s main thrust is to help a person to be open, to
discover, see, accept, understand, and actualize the potencies he or she has to become the
person he or she wants to be and that others want him or her to be, especially those who
offer him or her their love.
Surprise - The surprise comes from the new experience when I follow through on my
potencies, when through my openness to others, through speaking about myself, through
sharing with others. 1 will experience my freedom to be the person 1 want to be — a well
thought out freedom that can bring me happiness. As I stay with this realization of my
inner freedom to be this person 1 want myself to be. I will realize my self-transcendence,
my openness and trust in another person, all of which will give meaning to my life.
Hopefully all of us at sometime have been surprised as this built-in potency has
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awakened in us. Many, because of some unhappy happening cannot allow this potency to
arise into action. However, this built-in potency will allow me to move or move me or
incite me to be open to relate closely to other persons, and hopefully to accept and to
deeply trust and love one or two other persons. All of human relating comes as an
answer to this built-in potency we are born with. Some people because of some tragic
experience, that may have lodged in their unconsciousness, will not put this potency into
act. They remain separate, aloof, tied up within their own self, unable to trust, until o
form a relationship. I ruly tragic. They miss the wonderful surprises embedded in living
life.
Wonder- because many of us missed the abundant sharing and interaction that we could
have had, we miss out on the experience of wonder. Why wonder? “Wonder”, a very
important word but often difficult to distinctly explain. For me, the word seems to have
some relationship to the word “spirit”. Wonder will often cause us to reach out, to
explore, to take a chance, all actions that move us to renew our trust or cause us to find
some new meaning in our lives. We should never neglect the wonder that can be
spawned as we stay open to new possibilities, to newness. When wonder is present a
person who may have had difficulty controlling feelings or have lost the meaning of their
life, through the experience of wonder may discover potencies they never realized within
themselves. How to assist a person classified as having serious psychological problems
to accept their predicament and take responsibility for their present thinking or their
refusing to think concerning their relations with others? For a solution to that question
we on our part must fall back on our own gift of wonder. I believe that psychotherapy
has a strong base or foundation in wonder. I find in my interviews with prospective
clients that the family or friends have often come after years of staying with the same dull
thoughts and conclusions about the situation without any explorative wonder concerning
what could be a solution. We have to keep wondering and wondering with a purpose.
Can we envisage a process of healing? In our search we can always wonder what
procedures we might find to activate the rationality and understanding that the person
new possesses. Could we speculate and conjecture concerning what could be possible,
and instill some wonder to fascinate a person to some new thinking? How to incite some
positive motivation in the person? Through wonder we can shift our potency into act.
When I begin this letter I had no thought of writing so extensively. My one aim was to
thank you for coming and for your interacting with us, and taking part in the discussions.
Because I could not meet some of you before you left and so could not discuss with you
your reactions and your thinking about the day, I would appreciate it if you send me, how
you felt about the day. I need to know your reactions. Otherwise I am left a vacuum.
I consider it most important and essential that you keep reflecting on your thinking and
feelings if you expect that your son or daughter is to emerge out of the problems that
burden them - and have burdened them for many, many long years. I believe that mental
illness can be explained and understood. All family members will be in some manner
involved in that sorting out. Mental illness is not purely chemical. When I change my
beliefs and attitudes, my outlooks and wishes, I make chemical changes in my physical
brain. We may never fully understand the full details of any person’s psychological or
spiritual lack of growth. But we need to stay aware within ourselves as someone close to
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us becomes more rational, takes more responsibility, becomes more conscious of self and
more capable of relating with others, especially important others. Many phone their son
or daughter hoping there may be small changes in the person, without realizing that they
themselves are coming from the same mindset of many years ago. We all of us must
expect more evident changes. We must be living for and with changes - that it being
alive and enjoying life. Remember we must try everything possible to enable each of us
to live a more meaningful prolific, resonating life. We must have courage, willingness,
openness to do what is possible in the moves that we are making for mental health, for
the advancement and maturation of meaningful human relationships. We need to expect
much of each other and constantly look for breakthroughs and renewals.
I have gone on and on and may have written what may be considered a long, complicated
treatise. May be I can take another time to put this in a simpler more understandable
direct style. I thank you for your patience, your interest and your determination to stay in
this quest with us here. I remain with you always, open to your feedback.
Thanking you
Fr. Hank Nunn S.J.
Director
177
November 6, 2008
Time goes by and goes by. I realize that I have not written a letter to parents and
guardians after the last Parents’ Meeting which we had in 1 believe sometime at the end
of August. Time goes by so quickly and I struggle along hoping that something is
accomplished.
Now we are in the age of “change". The word that Obama has used to mesmerize the
world and caused us to realize that we are alive and given the grace to exist today. And
in my opinion he has definitely given us a most challenging word, a word under Obama’s
inspiration has become for the entire world a challenge to wake up and bring forth the
changes each of us discovers that will enable us to build a unified, accomplishable world
in which we can share. “Yes, we can”.
I view it all as so beautiful, so enthralling, so captivating yet freeing, and 1 believe all of
us were so happy to be alive today and in the days to come. The experience brought each
of us lifted higher, and immensely increased the inviting opportunities for relationships to
be established or continued.
We have so much to be thankful for. We live in a world of opportunity.
So now let us allow ourselves to face the basics. Especially now that we may be more
willing to face the basics and find our way through to the role of relationships in our
lives. I have written a bit about relationships in previous letters and wish to continue
somewhat in this letter.
I begin by a quote by Dr. Raj Persaud who wrote a book The Motivated Mind, How to
get what you want from life. In his preface he writes: “My clinical practice as a
psychiatrist today is, much more psychological than it is strictly medical. As a result of
my student psychology days, I retain a healthy skepticism of the medical model as a
frame of medical illness, which often produces conflict between myself and medical
colleagues at the Maudsley Hospital and The Institute of Psychiatry.”
I spend a few pages of his book talking about relationships - “One of the first
development tasks that children face in learning to feel related and connected to others,
while also recognizing that they have perspectives and emotions distinct from their
parents. Unfortunately not all parents support a child’s developing autonomy and desire
for relatedness.
In a therapeutic community such as ours, the first and main aim of treatment is to
establish some kind of secure attachment, since that is basic if a person is to benefit from
being present in a therapeutic community. The attachment can then make it possible for
changes to happen in the deeply ingrained expectations of relationships and patterns of
behaviour.
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When a person becomes more social, and this does not happen automatically for the
person has to struggle between his very neediness on one side and his fear of being
angrily rejected - a struggle he may have had to deal with in the past. So the need of
forming one or a few positive open relationships that will have a therapeutic value. In
the community the person may be able to form real relationship contacts and so break
through the unfinished business of the past contacts. Without the person even being
aware he may be expressing what was lacking in his past through his current conscious
emotional struggles. Living and reciprocal relationships provide acceptance, affirmation
of a person’s individuality. They provide an experience of linked being together and
involved. They provide an opportunity to experience one’s effect on another person, as
also the occasional moments of tension that come along and that could lead to a break or
a problem solved.
Yes, I believe forming a strongly affirmative, free yet demanding, rewarding relationship
with another person is necessary if a person in the community is to move on and
successfully live a happy, meaningful life.
May all of our kids come to live such a life,
Fr. Hank Nunn S.J.
Director
179
October 24, 2009
Dear Friends,
1 begin (as I begin so many letters lately) by apologizing for not keeping better contact
with you over the months. I have not written any common letters, nor any individual
letters to you for some months. In fact I have been something that could be described as
the dry well in the wilderness - dry, not supplying the reviving sustenance needed by the
travelers on their journey across the parched landscape. We are all travelers, and we all
need sustenance, be it in quenching our thirst or in knowing about the store of refreshing
news ahead of us.
It is my duty to apologize to you for not offering you at least a few positive thoughts from
time to time so that the well of your interest in the psychological aspects of human life
does not grow completely dry. You might consider and ascertain what is the “well of
your interest”. Let us go a bit deeper, a little further. Lately I have delved deeply
intrinsic to my personal interest as I chose to delve deeply into a learned book 1 have
been reading and ruminating - a very special book on spirituality. Really it is a deep
theoretical and psychological study of the teachings of another book, a little book which
turned my life around almost 60 years ago. That little book of instructions for a thirty
day series of practices of reflection, medication and review of life caused me to change
my life completely. It affirmed many truths that led me to be more aware of myself, and
to understand my meaning discovered by opening out my inner self-transcendence. And
that opened not a little “well’ for me but launched me on a continuous ocean of self
discovery and growth. “Self- transcendence”, I know I am springing a new word on your
there, it is an important word.
The book I have been reading has this to say - “He (Lonergan) went on to describe the
stages one passes through in becoming an authentic human being. Man’s development,
he wrote is a matter of getting beyond himself, of transcending himself, of ceasing to be
an animal in a habitat and of becoming a genuine person in a community”. Development
occurs, he said in successive stages by which an individual attends to the data of his life,
makes sense of it through understanding and judgment, and after deliberation reaches
decisions and takes action.”
7 he book I mentioned has caused me to reflect on my inner life of prayer and medication
and it would be interesting to talk about, but now I want to talk about the past few
months. My attendance in September at a conference of counselors and psychotherapists
who were interested in learning and being trained in the theories and practices of
Transactional Analysis brought me back to my organizing the beginnings of Athma
Shakti. This conference was a six day conference in Calicut in Kerala that Anando, and I
attended. It was a conference on Transactional Analysis, a system of explaining the
psychology of the human personality in simple concepts developed by Eric Berne in the
United States back in the 1960s. After I came to Bangalore in 1978 I gave many two-day
sessions teaching the concepts and practice of Transactional Analysis and it was our
primary frame of reference when we began ASV. I am still often invited to make
presentations at TA conferences.
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This time the organizers had given this title to our full day presentation - “Experiential
Regressive Method of Psychotherapy” - what the organizers had made out of the
information I had sent to them before the conference - “This workshop will present the
methodology and language of Transactional Analysis as used in the rehabilitation of
persons with serious mental problems at ASV... In an open and interactive setting we
will present the original teachings of the Cathexis Reader on passivity, child
development, frames of reference, redefining, reparenting and regression. A practical
knowledge of all these ideas are necessary for therapists working with psychotics - and
ordinary citizens as well.
May be at some of our parents’ meeting I can explain to you
the meaning of all those words.
I did enjoy those past days of presenting the theory and practice that we adopted in ASV.
They were strong learning days. And 1 continue in the same creative process of directing
young man and women in using this psychological approach in helping young people
learn to function satisfactorily and responsibility in living their everyday lives.
Although way back in 1979 we placed emphasis on adjusting to one another living
together and daily conducted the therapy by being together with the “kids” (as we have
always called these young men and women). And even then we stressed that nobody
overcomes their problem and gets well by themselves alone. In the past couple of years
we have formalized this by stressing the fact that we are a community, really a
“therapeutic community” a format that includes a definite process for the individual
members.
Because of this being active as a working community, competent in our communitarian
approach we were easily accepted in to the Community of communities, a rehabilitation
program initiated by the London School of Psychiatry. The founder of that program, Dr.
Rex Haigh, had visited and us and enjoyed spending time with us. However, although we
carry on as an active therapeutic community we have not been able to extend our
membership in the community of communities because we have not been able to cover
the financial commitments. One of the specifications of the organization is that we pay
the regular membership fee plus we have to send two staff of our community for a shared
inspection to another community each year and invite two from another community to
come to our community for inspection. On one occasion a community in England sent
two members to us for mutual inspection and in another year a community from New
Zealand sent three members over to inspect us. Those visits gave us great strength and
recognition. There are over 30 community members in the community of communities.
Being a member of a larger organization gives us the surety that we are using a
methodology that has been validated many times over. Also we have the realization that
we were not alone but involved in a world wide endeavor.
1 am enclosing with this letter the official statement on what is a therapeutic community
and the core values of a therapeutic community.
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What is a TC
Therapeutic communities are “psychologically informed planned environments’ - they
are places where the social relationships, structure of the day and different activities
together are all deliberately designed to help people’s health and well being. In some,
people with various longstanding emotional problems spend time and engage in therapy
together in an organized and structured way, without drugs or self-damaging behaviour
so that a new life in outside society is made possible. In other words people who cannot
live normally in society (for reasons such as severe learning disability or persistent
psychosis) engage in an interdependent form of group living which helps them to have a
more fulfilling life and achieve their maximum social potential. The workings of the
communities themselves are the main method, and through these social and group
processes, change and growth are promoted.
Core Values
CV1
Attachment
Healthy attachment is a developmental requirement for all human beings, and should be
seen as a basic human right.
CV2
Containment
A safe and supportive environment is required for an individual to develop, grow or to
change.
CV3
Respect
People need to feel respected and valued by others to be healthy. Everybody is unique
and nobody should be defined or described by their problems alone.
CV4
Communication
All behaviour has meaning and represents communication which deserves understanding.
CVS
Interdependence
Personal wellbeing arises from one’s ability to develop relationships which recognize
mutual need .
CV6
Relationships
Understanding how you relate to others and how others relate to you leads to better
intimate, family, social and working relationships.
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CV7
Participation
Ability to influence one’s environment and relationships is necessary for personal well
being. Being involved in decision making is required for shared participation,
responsibility and ownership
CVS
Process
There is not always a right answer and it is often useful for individuals, groups and larger
organizations to reflect rather than act immediately.
CV9
Balance
Positive and negative experiences are necessary for healthy development of individuals,
groups and the community.
CV10
Responsibility
Each individual has responsibility to the group, and the group in turn has collective
responsibility to all individuals in it.
1 believe that each and every one of these values is essential and important for us to
stress these values in our therapy work. All of the values mentioned are important. If the
young persons in our community are to come out of their mental problems here at ASV
we have to give special attention to two of these specific core values, essential values.
These are CVI - Attachment and CV6 - Relationships. And we have to ascertain that all
the other values are recognized and present within the community if our kids are to
effectively and reliably develop into persons who understand, share and contribute to
their living as responsible and happy individuals.
I believe that it is the experience of most people that the person who is mentally ill has
difficulty forming a strong, positive, healthy, meaningful attachment to another person,
really finding meaning and solace in another person who accompanies them in their
struggles. Or the mentally ill person may be on the opposite limit - show an over zealous
dependency on self - not being open to any trust in another person. The person who is
unable to be open to having an attachment to another person, often unknowingly and in
an unconscious thrust mistakenly abandons or neglects his or her own healthy and
appropriate concern for self. In depression or anger or fear, the person will be
discounting self to his or her own detriment. Such a person will display in his or conduct
some amount of unconscious anger or resentment.
Relationships with other persons, or a relationship with at least one person, brings a
person the ability to share an existence, to share life, that is live by fulfilling the purpose
of existence, to be ready and able to love others, and in turn to be open and desirous to
receive love.
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In our presentation at the conference in Calicut, we presented in our workshop the role of
therapy as one of the essential elements of a therapeutic community. The enclosed sheet
lists the core values of the therapeutic community. It would be good to pause for a
minute on the words “Value” for value has a very technical meaning. Values play an
essential role in meaningful human living. A course in basic values for human living
must be included in all high school curriculums. The dictionary definition of values is
principle or standards of behavior”. There are various stipulations for a thought or
practice or behaviour to be accepted as a “value” . It is something I freely choose
knowingly and hold to in my living and practice It will be evident in my practical living,
seen in my behaviour over a period of time, and is something I share with other persons
The core values of our life and of our living must be present in a therapeutic community.
And we need to reflect them in our behaviour. The first of course is attachment, for
without some form of openness and relationship to another nothing can be accepted or
changed - the door remains closed. That doesn’t seem so bad, but rather realize and
correctly realize that the heart of this living person is closed to the outside, closed to
family, society, country, the world to be experienced. And the individual will not be
aware of what he or she is missing in their life with others. That is the tragedy of mental
illness. Let me end with a quote from William Glasser, in his book “Reality Therapy” “We know, therefore, that at the time any person comes for psychiatric help he is lacking
the most critical factor for fulfilling his needs, a person whom he genuinely cares about
and who he feels genuinely cares about him. Some times it is obvious that the patient has
no close relationships... Therefore to obtain help in therapy the patient must gain or
regain involvement, first with the therapist and then with others. His problem and
accompanying symptoms will disappear once he is able to become involved and fulfill
his needs.
Fr. Hank Nunn SJ.
Director
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March 31,2010
This morning - a quiet Saturday morning - as I began to question myself - something 1
need to be continuously active at if I am to keep my aging mind clicking over I have to
ask myself if I have slowed down, sat on the side wondering as I watched the quickening
traffic going by, or am I losing the steady impetus I have had for years? There may be
some slowing down even though physically I am still as active as ever - and have always
had excellent merit cards from the doctors in Wockhard hospital (now taken by Fortis)
just down the road. But this is not the time to start slowing, for the saying goes - best is
yet to come.
And really that is what I experience - the best is yet to come. By that “best’ I mean that
the kids will understand themselves more, be more acceptant of the new openings and
developments that face them. In turn they will make the changes needed in their
attitudes, their thinking and their enjoyment of feelings for achieving what they want to
achieve for themselves. They will relish their moves out of the “bad patches”, into the
serenity, composure, the tranquility, and happiness that they may have missed. They will
be free and experience freedom.
I believe that the following quote, although quite long, speaks well of the role of freedom
in our lives -
Inner freedom is above all freedom from the dictatorship of "me" and “mine”, of the ego
that clashes with whatever it dislikes and seeks desperately to appropriate what comes
down to breaking the bonds of affliction that dominate and cloud the mind. It means
taking life into one’s own hands, instead of abandoning it to tendencies created by habit
and mental confusion. In daily life this freedom allows us to be open and patient with
others while remaining committed to the direction we have chosen to take in life. Indeed
it is essential to have a sense of direction... Understanding that we are neither perfect
nor completely happy, is not a weakness. It is a very healthy acknowledgement that has
nothing to do with self-pity, pessimism, or a lack of self confidence.
This quote is from the book Happiness, a guide to developing Life’s Most Important
Skill, by Matthieu Ricard, Little, Brown and Company, 2006.
In a paragraph following on this quote Ricard speaks about renunciation. “Renunciation
is not about depriving ourselves of that which brings us joy and happiness - that would
be absurd; it is about abandoning what causes us inexhaustible and relentless distress.
Those are powerful words. And the renunciation can for a person be very powerful,
giving them a freedom and acceptance of self that allows them to live their life in a
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happiness they never thought possible. So life goes on. And life in ASV goes on ...
Sometimes easy and smooth, but still having the perennial problems We have been
having and I guess will have serious financial problems. At present it is very difficult to
have new members of staff remain with and be properly trained. We have seen some
four or five staff who had been happy with us for a number of years reluctantly leave
because they could not live in anyway comfortably on the salaries we are offering at
present. And ofcourse this hits us right down the line for the new staff that we take on
and attempt to train up are not are not effective as old staff have been and they are just
waiting to jump off to a higher paying institution. The most serious problem we have at
present is financial.
The result of this problem is that we need to increase the fees by one thousand rupees a
month - something we have not done for a couple of years. In all of this 1 believe that
the only way this problem is to solved is by the government giving a pension to young
people who are mentally ill. We have had quite a few people from other countries paying
their fees here with their government pensions, for their governments sending their
pension to them here.
So now, I have again written a letter to you. As usual I enjoyed writing a letter to you
although it may not give you a great deal of news of ASV. I go on as usual promising
you more in the future. 1 fact, in the next letter 1 will tell you about the project of
organizing all the old records of ASV — the histories, the studies, the letters, the success
stories, etc. - so composing a book on the history of Athma Shakti.
I end here - but I will be sending you another letter in the near future on some changes on
the theory and outlook on treating mental illness — 1 believe in very much. “For many
people with serious mental illness, however, existing treatments and rehabilitation may
not be that effective for an extended period of time, if ever. For these people, being in
recovery is not a matter of growth and development but of suffering and survival.” A fit
training in social skills is what is recommended. I will explain all this in another letter —
later.
All the best to you,
Fr. Hank Nunn SJ.
Director
186
August I, 2011
So 1 am mobile and remain active, very much enjoying being me. 1 do not know or
can’t seem to remember whether when 1 was six years old I enjoyed being myself so
much, or believed 1 could choose being this person I want to be. Really it is a
beautiful experience appreciating - just appreciating - the person that each and every
one of us is, and how we are allowed to just enjoy being the person we have been
given to be and slowly allowed ourselves to become. We have so much to be thankful
for. And the more we appreciate our present life the more we will find to appreciate.
Remember that appreciation of self will never end for even at the end we hope that
we will 1 am able to fully appreciate myself, the me 1 will take along with me into
eternity with me. Let us, each one of us, appreciate that we are all wonderfully made
- and given so much to enjoy and be thankful for.
So I enjoy allowing myself the experience of accepting myself and my history with
all the many experiences that life has brought to me. And there still is the faith
experience of opening to so much more to come, so much more to appreciate.
This letter started out as just a few lines in which I had the impulse to express my
warm feelings concerning the appreciative relationships that we all wish to enjoy
among the various members of the Athma Shakti community.
Yes, I realize and appreciate the relationships that all of us are sharing and have been
sharing at many various levels and strengths we have among all of us who have come
to be related in our Athma Shakti Vidyalaya Society community.
...................... One of my nephews contacted me about a two months ago. He lives
in Australia and has visited with me many years ago, just as I was in the beginning
stages of setting up Athma Shakti. He was making a trip to Canada and invited me to
go back to Canada with him and his wife and two children and spend some time with
his mother who is my sister and my only remaining direct family member. But if I
went with him 1 might not be able to return to India and that would break my heart.
For truly my home is here where I am now - here with so many persons who share
life with me. And I can celebrate occasions with them - as in January this year I
celebrated my 82nd year of life. On August 14th of 1951 1 enjoyed joining the Jesuit
group of Catholic priests in order to later become a priest. That meant leaving my
home in Halifax, Canada in order to be ready to study, learn, and engage in whatever
was asked of me. In fact as 1 was just beginning as a Jesuit 1 was sent for three
months in the Torai area of West Bengal to care for people and families made
refugees in the West Bengal refugee camps because of the unsettled situation West
Bengal.
I have had a very active and interesting life and have many stories I could tell. As I
find the time I am attempting from time to time to put many of my stories down on
paper.
All of us need to remain thankful for all that we have received, and are receiving.
Fr. Hank Nunn S.J.
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December 14, 2011
On this occasion - yet not a new occasion - but a meaningful time of year as we celebrate
the original coming of Christ into our world. At the same time we remember that we
have the possibility of new openings, new rewarding experiences, new adventures, new
enjoyments, new wonders, to strengthen our happiness and joy of living.
This time for me is usually my time for reflecting on myself- something we all need to
be doing as we go along, enjoying going along, struggling going along, enjoying sliding
along, sharing my going along, amazed as I am as 1 4go along’.
There are so many people who wish me and others to have all go well - they wish us
success - people who wish to have all go well and become well - to take responsibility
for themselves and their growing and accepting, trusting, reassuring, strengthening- so all
will work out - positive strengthening thoughts now come along - all is positive - all will
work out - growing in inner awareness that inspires being open, being happy with the
positive life within me.
Life is growing, newly experiencing - there is a restoring gift of acceptance and love open myself to this now - being accepted and wanted - forgiven, accepted, aided,
supported, deeply and openly - allow the strength, the reassurance to grow and develop to become firm and sure - giving the support, extending the support, causing the ease, the
comfort so all is well, all manner of things are well - the others’ hand is there, here for
me to grasp and feel the warmth, support, comfort - being free and relaxed - present with
the other - trusting and experiencing the love - the care given me all my life - as so
many circumstances turning out well - so I keep believing - all works out as I trust and
allow myself to experience the positive coming to me through the others’ love for me.
Various ideas coming into my awareness - accept them all - keep it positive - for the
future will be positive - make it positive - what does positive mean? - open, leading,
could be enthralling, could contain everything always searched for, open self to all to
whatever is now present - pick up the lead - go with it - stay aware - stay positive knowing the future is always open - future is always open for growth - wanting newnessto rely on newness - must be kept alive and active - aware of the inner questioning that
leads the person to the experience of being one’s self - finding self - establishing the
meaning for self - now - so self believes - self is enticed to imagine - to feel the
goodness, the enticement, drawn ahead, going with it - it is there to be advanced - to be
discovered - to be brought into the centre — there to be shared, discovered, emphasized,
emphasized with others, as others open and appreciated are present - persons depend.
need to be shown the way, handed along to their dreams, yet still with me, with us,
enriching us, by spiritual support, spiritual strength continually growing from within,
enabling, enticing to the new, to the unthought of, to the “new” pushing its way through
the usual.
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Present now, breaking forth in the now — breaking forth in the now — in gratitude accept
these - grab the moment - cause them, to happen - happen now - for now just when they
fit and lead ahead - let them take you ahead.
The community - first and foremost - source of strength for all - leading each and every
one to the intricacies — so to aid in growing together — establishing the creative- the
beauty of positive excitement carrying each and all along - discovering, learning,
believing, solving, widening, deepening — all possible - believe - go for it - its there discover with joy - be enthused - be open - catch up to the movement - there’s more
ahead - be thankful - thankful for self, thankful to self - thankful to others - they lead they accompany - they give direction - they point - they question as they give new life,
new strength, new questions - new consolations - stay open, ready and expectant - there
is always more - more delight - more surprise - more time - more company - more
discovery - more depth - more value - yes, it all has meaning - and more meaning - to
surprise the loyal seeker seeking the infinite.
Extension to Empowerment
How to take what we have to people.
Can we do it now - take it to them.
Make it simple enough for people to want it.
And, they can understand it and be ready to ask for it.
Can we do it now - take it to them.
All the best,
Fr. Hank Nunn S.J.
Director
Athma Shakti Vidyalaya
189
The therapeutic community that is Athma Shakti Vidyalaya was initially set up to offer a
new holistic methodology that would be used in the treatment of all different types of
mental illness. Some interested people who have come to appreciate our positive and
acceptant approach to rehabilitation have defined us a trend setters in this field. In this
line, the Newsweek magazine has published an article on the growing realization of many
professionals treating the mentally ill that the great and almost sole emphasis on
treatment with medicines is no longer valid.
Patients really must have therapy in order to improve” says University of Newcastle
psychiatrist Dr. Douglas Turkington. “Medication alone will not do it”
Our goal has always been to enroll in the community young people who are showing the
first beginnings of mental problems However, most often we have been the last resort
for families, when nothing else has been effective. One young man told me, “I have been
through ten psychiatrists.” But have those psychiatrists spoken with the boy, gone
through his very early history with him, shown him acceptance and a positive interest?
“Indeed, suffering a breakdown - often characterized by disorganized thinking, delusions
and hallucinations - in your late teens or early 20s could be seen as an opportunity to
intervene with therapy to mitigate the disease. If worked through properly, it could
become a breakthrough,” says psychiatrist Dr. Shankanarayan Srinath. “If people are
helped at that stage, they will begin to make meaning of their suffering. If they don’t
have help to work it out through, it is likely they will become a chronic, lifelong
psychiatrist patient.
It is necessary to realize that young people who are beginning to have psychiatric
problems can be brought to accept help that is offered by a knowing, open, accepting
therapist. As the relation with the therapist is beginning that disturbed person will
gradually, or at times, suddenly experience acceptance.
With the acceptance the
interactive conversation develops. The person starts to realize that he is not being
rejected that this person is making a serious attempt to understand him. He may be
amazed that his moods, his beliefs are being accepted, so also his tendencies to withdraw
Then the talk will come around to the feelings he is experiencing and how they affect his
relationship with others, how they cause him to withdraw or to speak or act in a manner
unacceptable to others.
The experience of being accepted will lead the person to
consider changing the attitudes and beliefs that are causing him to behave in the manner
that he unconsciously shows in his many unsuccessful attempts to relate meaningfully
with others. With the therapists support he will learn the new and rewarding skill of
conducting himself properly with others, even with family members. Usually these
positive interactions will allow him to develop a new and practical responsibility for
living his life.
This process is only possible when the therapist recognizes that the person who is
disturbed mentally has always a part of the personality that is intact. The emotional
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memories might be taking over the thoughts and feelings, but the abilities and skills that
they have not been able to access during the illness are there to be resurrected and used
again. It is possible that they may learn new skills, finished studies, and become the
personal agents of their own lives. One person who has witnessed this change in some
suffering from serious psychological problems refers to the process as authorizing the
individual to become an expert in his living, now responsible for his or her new goals and
decisions.
In line with the Newsweek article, we must admit that it is not the medication that is
going to make the person decide to make the necessary changes in his thoughts and
feelings 1 he pertinent question to be asked at this time is - what is the reason that almost
every person with mental illness it allowed would not follow a regime of medication?
Deep down they seem to be convinced that they must be led with care to their own
decision for change.
At Athma Shakti we have been able to lead many to that decision of welcome change.
The therapeutic approach that we employ takes much meticulous and quiet follow
through, an approach that is patient and stimulating, always supportive This approach
demands a trained and experienced staff, an ample staff who have themselves are actively
involved in their own continuous personal growth, constantly aware of their own self
learning.
We have a successful program, that has been proved over the last 25 years. Yes,
successful but the program has not been very successful in finding the needed financial
resources to carry on its work. No doubt that may be because of the lack of interest in
general public in mental illness.
We believe that our work at Athma Shakti Vidyalaya is as important as the technological
advances taking place around us but much more valuable. One offers people many new
means to immediately communicate information and at the same time Athma Shakti
Vidyalaya offers to people who are impaired an enriching life through developing new
communication skills.
Fr. Hank Nunn S..I.
Director
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Chapter VI
KIDS - Maria
Sundar
192
Directive therapy sessions I have had with kids.
With many of the kids I kept up a directive correspondence with them after they had left
the community. Some developed into interesting stories of how the kids were
progressing. 1 kept many of the letters the kids wrote back to me. To give you an idea of
my recorded work with them I have compiled writings, a few of which I include here.
Maria
I am writing these pages to speak about Maria, one of the most loved and appreciated
members of the community. For me, she was special - as any member of the staff would
have been able to tell you. She was warmhearted, hesitant, reluctant. I would say that she
was just always reluctant to express herself and take on anything new or doubtful. She
was beautifully reluctant, shy and a worrier. Her personality was a result of her early life
at home on a farm where she grew up with her younger brother, parents and an uncle.
Maria joined the community in July 1998. She was 26 years old when she came here for
treatment. She had been having treatment in Germany for many years for the problem
which had caused her to leave her employment as a qualified nurse.
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She would suffer from attacks of phobic hysteria, which could strike her at any time when walking along the street, or involved in taking care of a patient in the hospital, or
even just being at home. She was very sensitive, very worried that at any time an attack
could arise and she would have to stop and remain as if frozen to the spot or lay down on
the ground or floor, wherever she happened to be at the time. The attacks were very
upsetting and disruptive of her functioning.
She had been born into a farm family, with a younger brother who also himself suffered
from some form of paranoia and visited Maria while she was with us and then after her
death, came to us with an intention to follow treatment for himself but after a few months
found his wanderlust too strong for him, so he left to travel and did not make any contact
after leaving.
When a small girl at home Maria had suffered some molestation by an uncle which had
affected her strongly and negatively, and so, she had never been open to any thoughts of
marriage.
She overcame this fear of men through her stay with us and sometime after her return to
Germany she developed a happy relationship with a young man.
While Maria was here I felt it a profitable exercise to express the work that I was doing
with Maria, so that later I could share this with other interested therapists. So 1 am
including now some of the records of my therapy done with Maria.
March 11,2000
This morning 1 went for my walk- Maria didn’t come. When I came back Maria was not
as usual waiting for me in my room. 1 had prepared a bottle of milk ready because I
usually would give her a bottle each morning. When I was beginning to read she came iin
to me. I was going to offer her the bottle but she asked to talk.
She described how she had been up three times during the night - had been up at 5 o’
clock and walked up and down in the room afraid to come for the walk. She was afraid
of her weakness and fearful that she might have a panic attack, as she has had sometimes
before, on the walk. When there was something she wanted but she couldn’t do, she
blamed herself for her weakness. She usually very much wanted to come for the walk.
She then runs a long dialogue in her head and blames herself for being weak and says
she should be able to go for the walk. She blames herself and causes herself to feel
ashamed for being weak. She makes herself more afraid of her body being weak and her
being unable to control her limbs. As usual I quietly accepted what she was saying, trying
to reassure her that she would be safe with me, as I promised to accept her.
Each day she continued to say how much she enjoyed the walk and morning air. Then
slowly she went into expressing the fear, shaking and crying. After about ten or fifteen
minutes all became quiet. She found it very relaxing, she carried on and continued being
to be somewhat withdrawn. I quietly gave her messages about being acceptant of herself
and how good she is, how she is wanted and accepted. This continued for another thirty
194
minutes at least, and she was very withdrawn. It took some time as she gradually enabled
herself to become settled. As she became settled I mentioned we had to have breakfast,
which seemed to have some impact. I was able to bring her around to having some fruit
which 1 prepared for her and gave her. She remained quite withdrawn. 1 told her I was
going for my bath and she lay down in my room. I let her be there for sometime after my
bath. Then I rolled her over slowly and looked at her closely. She responded by
becoming very open and smiling, having come through fully.
We didn’t spend any more time together in the morning - already 1 had been working
with her almost four hours. I had another person to see and had to go out after lunch. 1
met her before I went, she was fine. When I came back in the evening she said that she
had had bad migraines during the afternoon and still had an ‘ordinary’ headache now.
March 12, 2000
A Sunday morning - I stayed in ASV overnight in order to go at five thirty to the airport
to meet someone. When I returned a little after nine ‘o’ clock, Maria was in my room
beginning her breakfast. As I greeted her she became upset so I held her as she talked
about how she had been in the morning. She had woken up early and had gone for a
short walk with Rema which was alright, except that she felt very much lost within
herself. She went for her breakfast and then was quite afraid and reluctant to ask the
kitchen staff, who were preparing breakfast for what she wanted, in this case to be able to
use the toaster to toast her bread. She had Rema bring the toaster to the room for her to
use. In doing this she is very critical of herself, she thinks she should not be asking for
what is special. She has a sense of being lost and in confusion, that she has no where to
go to be settled within herself. She knows she has my room and then finally goes there.
Yet she is blaming herself for not feeling at ease, for not believing that she can belong
and does belong.
I spent some time holding her and reassuring her of her place with me and told her that 1
would be back with her later in the day. 1 told her to remain in the room as much as she
wanted. When I returned in the afternoon she was settled, in fairly good spirits. She had
cleaned and dusted my room and bathroom completely.
1 have been thinking on this after reading a book yesterday on healing with Buddhist
practice and also a book Debora gave me this morning on the link between Buddhist
practice and psychotherapy. Both books take for granted the meditation and practice, the
first on being aware of thoughts as passing and seeing the process of not being attached to
the thoughts, the second on the meditation enabling the practitioner to move into the
emptiness, which the author believes Western psychotherapy is always trying to avoid
accepting. The other day when 1 was trying to explain to a retreatant the process of not
being attached to the negative “destructive’ thoughts. I realized that this was the process I
was attempting to have him accept, that is, to go deeper within himself to the simple
acceptance of his existence, of being loved into existence by the Father at this moment. I
suppose I might say of allowing oneself to fall into the experience of the Father’s love
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and acceptance, not trying to build up a self that is able to withstand the temptations,
thoughts and inclinations that keep arising in the mind.
Also in our discussion with a patient the other day, it became clear that his identity was in
being a Karate expert. He stated that he was not his father’s son, not a patient at ASV,
but a Karate expert. Over the years this had been his obsession, although he has never
passed an examination or qualified in any way to be a recognized practitioner of Karate.
We have always considered this a crazy obsession, yet it is something very essential in
his view of himself. I believe we need to recognize that he does not have the security or
ability to accept his basic insecurity. His parents have not given him the security to
question his security, to admit that it is all right to go into the emptiness.
March 13, 2000
This morning when I came out of my room at 5.30 am Maria was there ready to go for
the morning walk with me. Lately she has not been coming for the walk, something that
she had been doing daily with me for many months. She enjoys these walks very much
especially as the dogs are with us - she takes the little dog that is attached to her. After
the walks the usual thing was for me to hold her and give her a child’s milk bottle. She
would be very little at that time and it gave me an opportunity to give her messages about
her being accepted and safe and protected.
She has not been coming for the walks in the past week or so because of her fear of the
panic attacks. She has had a couple of these attacks during the walk, interestingly always
when we are midway through the walk at a spot where we usually sit and rest. During
the walks, there is never any talking, as I want to use the time for my own reflection and
mediation. I have done this for years. She is afraid of feeling physically weak. The
panic attack usually begins with her feeling a bit dizzy and then her legs become weak,
she is afraid of falling down. At times she senses that her limbs are moving away from
her and that her body is falling apart. The attacks, which she has had on the walks,
usually last about fifteen minutes and we are able to sit on the small wall over a drain,
the fear during the attack seems to come in waves, she often feels suffocated. Her arms
and legs need to be often controlled Yet she can come through the attack and walk back
easily enough, and after ten minutes or so she is normal and fine.
So this morning she was eager to come for the walk, with a desire to show she could do
it. All went well although she said when we sat and rested that she was nervous. We
came back, I fed the dogs and came up to hold her and give her a milk bottle She began
the bottle but then after a minute or so refused it. I continued to hold her and she was
showing some agitation but not much, she got up and went to rinse her mouth at the sink
and came back to be held. When she is agitated in this way she wants to pull her hair and
hit her chest. She does not struggle very much and I continue to hold her for about 30
minutes usually. I make sure that all the agitation is passed.
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At the end this morning I asked as usual what was upsetting her. She felt that the milk
from the bottle had a special taste because it was from a new bottle purchased a few days
ago and not used before. She said that the milk with a certain taste gets stuck in her
throat and she is afraid of suffocating. She has often mentioned that one of her greatest
fears is of suffocating. She asked me if 1 believed her, and accepted what she was going
through. She has a great fear that people do not take her seriously and believe that she
does not have to go through all that she is going through.
Then we went for yoga and all was well after that. During breakfast she was as bright
and fresh, humorous as usual. I share my breakfast with her — all fruit. I wanted to be
sure that she is having enough to eat.
Then there is the treatment group. She sits beside me in the group; she also does not
want to attend any group if Dale or myself are not leading it. During the group I held her
and she began to be upset, crying and breathing with difficulty. 1 concentrated on the
others in the group and slowly she settled down and was quiet and relaxed at the end of
the group. Since it was lunchtime I did not question her about what her feelings were
during the group.
I was going up to spend the night at Mt. St. Joseph’s, after I spent sometime with Mallika
in my room. When we came into the room Maria was sitting in the chair looking quite
withdrawn. I held Mallika for some time and then Maria came over to be held. She was
upset, said that she felt tense, insecure and sad. In the past few days, I experienced that
she seemed to be often in these feelings. She complained of feeling lost or isolated. She
had said in the past that it was difficult for her to carry over the reassurances and security
which she has experienced when with me. When she is alone she falls back on feeling
isolated and lost, although she says she does make some effort to keep me in mind. She
would say my presence is not in some way imprinted in her body, or felt in her body. The
reason I gave her so much physical contact was to impress on her my acceptance of her
and my wish that she can feel in some manner at ease when she is not with me.
I believed that in order for this to happen she had to develop some trust, which she
believes is quite impossible for her. 1 have never confronted her on the lact that she is not
open at a very deep level so that she would have to open and trust. From what she has
said when we discuss trust I understand that she believes that her very early experiences
earlier than she could ever remember, have caused her to be so fearful of the world.
I stayed with her until she settled although it made me late for an appointment at Mt. St.
Joseph’s. I gave her reassurance that I would be down first thing in the morning, this was
not special; 1 usually walk down early in the morning.
March 14, 2000
1 spent the night at Mt. St. Joseph’s. I came down early in the morning at about 6.30 am
to sit in my room. After a few minutes Maria came in and 1 held her for sometime. She
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was quiet and undisturbed. There was no yoga this morning. We had the usual breakfast.
I was not feeling at all well today and rested for some time before the marathon group
began. During the marathon she put her head down for some time.
At lunch she was expressing a very close dependency and acceptance of me. an openness
and affection. She did this by hugging me and expressing herself in a low but intense
voice. The afternoon was much the same as the morning except that she had some
trouble with the noise when Nitin was bring confronted in the group. This was a heavy
time with voices getting loud at times. Nitin was attempting to defend a huge paranoid
delusion that he has been building up for two years. I took Maria with me to Mt. St.
Joseph’s to give her a break; she likes the garden there. She told that today she has been
insecure, helpless and some afraid. She was very caring when she knew that I was not
feeling well.
She told me later that while at Mt. St. Josephs she felt weak and falling, she described it
as a kind of slipping down. Her body feels light as if it were going to fly away. I asked if
it was like some sort of trance but she said no, it was the weakness, the insecurity that
was within her, especially the fear, an unconscious fear that plays in her body. She
cannot describe what the fear is but just knows it is there influencing her. It is something
she cannot become free of. Her views about all this are quite strong, and she does not
appear open to question her stand.
March 15, 2000
This has been a quiet day, may be the reason being that I was not so well. I didn’t go
walking first thing in the morning nor did I take the yoga. Maria came to me for a short
time before the yoga started just to say good morning and to see how I was. She went for
the yoga and then prepared the breakfast. Later I brought her fruit for breakfast and had
to make some toast and black tea for my own breakfast. After breakfast we spent time
talking; it is a bit difficult for me to remember all that we discussed, but I believe it was
again the memories which are deep in the body tissues. How far back can this memory
go? While she was talking I thought of Caitlin, the Australian girl who had been used in a
satanic cult when she was an infant. Again her memories were hardly there, being just
some sort of hunch that she had some memory of something happening to her in a
negative and strange manner. Caitlin came out of this more through the evocation of
different personalities.
So I supported Maria in saying that perhaps there could be real memories that supported
her sense of being suffocated at times. She had started the discussion in saying that she
felt there was a pest of some kind pricking her inside throat and hindering her
swallowing. She admitted readily enough that there was nothing there but asked if it
might be connected to a memory of some sort of piercing or invasion of her throat.
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As we walked she could accept that memories in the physical body could be absorbed or
integrated and the person could be freed of them. Yet she still holds that there is a deeper
level that cannot be reached and hence will remain with the person causing fears, such as
the panic fears that come up in her.
Also we talked a bit about her weight. She wanted reassurance that if she put on weight
it would not cause her to be more prone to receiving attacks from men. I had said the day
before that she was “very feminine” something she wanted me to explain. I told her that
she carried herself in a womanly manner, not trying to be enticing as some women make
themselves out to be. She has the delicacy of a woman. But has difficulty being around a
group of men. She mentioned that in the past - eight years before - she did have times
when she had enjoyed being with a man.
She was in a steady and balanced mood throughout the day, very supportive of me,
pleasant to be with, relaxed. Often quite thoughtful.
March 18, 2000
I am writing this after two days and so I cannot be as specific as I would have been had I
been able to rite on the evening of the 16th. The 16th was a much different day. There
was no early morning walk: Maria was held by me for some time before the yoga. At
breakfast I noticed that she seemed to space out and be too quiet. I asked her what was
happening with her. She didn’t give me any reply, but reacted by moving and continuing
her breakfast. After finishing her breakfast she came to me to sit on my knees and then
began quietly to cry. She was becoming quite depressed and sad. And slowly was
talking about her thoughts. She was basically saying that she didn’t see herself coming
out of the problems that she has. She used various phrases about this, such as, “There is
no way out”, It will always be the same”, “You can’t understand”. She remained with
me quiet, then moved off, she to do her cleaning work. I went to the office and groups.
After tea in the afternoon 1 took her with me to Mt. St. Joseph’s so we would have time to
talk. There she was still in the same mood, down, seeing her condition as helpless. I had
not experienced her as so withdrawn before. At one time - perhaps in the evening when 1
held her again - she seemed to be giving herself permission to be down, saying that she
had a right to feel down.
She realized she was down and it was as if she needed to spend some time just being
quiet and withdrawn. Of course the fear was always there, for the fear causes her to be
withdrawn and reluctant to have contact with any person other than myself. During the
day she was lying in bed most of the time.
In the evening when 1 spent time with her she was feeling better. We did not go into a
discussion on how she had been feeling in the morning. 1 had to go in the night to meet
Jenny at the airport at 2.30 a.m. Maria was looking forward very much to Jenny’s
coming.
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In the morning she came to me early. I had been up early to take the dogs out and feed
them. She was feeling quite positive and 1 held her some time during the yoga time. She
asked me many questions about Jenny. She is quite attached to Jenny because she had
spent some time with Jenny in her community before coming here and when she went
back to renew her visa.
In the morning she was in the girls group and found it all right. I was a bit surprised, as
she had wanted to only be in the groups with Usha or Dale. She does find the other
therapists helpful, although she does appreciate Tara. She came with me to Mt. St.
Joseph’s in the afternoon. She appreciates the garden very much. We spent some time
together in the evenings as usual. Always the last thing I do with kids in the day is to hold
them. This is often a difficult time for her because the other kids come down from the
living-room and prepare for bed. It is quite a noisy time; especially distressing is the
banging of doors both by the girls and the boys. 1 have mentioned to the peer group
many times but our population just don’t pay attention when they open and close doors.
Maria will jerk when a door is slammed. I am very accustomed now when holding her
that when there is a loud noise she will jerk her body. It is a fear response that keeps
repeating itself. I reassure her that she is safe, that nothing bad is going to happen.
There is a much stronger fear reaction. If any person comes into my room while I am
holding her, that is enough to start a small panic attack which will go on for ten or fifteen
minutes.
Saturday morning, March 18th, was quiet and relaxing. 1 didn’t go for my walk, so spent
the time with Maria. She was doing well, happy to have the time together, but one of the
girls who was going out came in to say good-bye and take my hand. This caused the
reaction I have just described above. So it took some time to bring her around to be
quietly resting. After that she made coffee for both of us and we sat out on the balcony.
She became very interested in the news week article on the little boy who shot the little
girl in the United States. She was interested, not in any special way. Really her reaction
was very mature and reasonable.
I had to go to town to arrange the trip I was to make, so I invited Maria to come with me.
She appreciates very much coming with me to town. And she is a good companion.
Over tea in town we had a long discussion, really she did most of the talking. Basically it
was the fear that she experiences in her body. She said that even when she goes for a
short walk of twenty minutes with the dogs she is usually very afraid. She is afraid that
her limbs are too weak and cannot support her weight, or that they will fly off. She has
some sort of fantasy, she used the word “fantasy’ that her body will fall apart or pieces
will fly off, almost as if she will disappear. She has to tell herself to be tense and strong
in order to carry on as if nothing was happening. In times past she says that after she
returned home from being in the city she had to collapse in bed and often cut herself to
punish herself for what was happening to her, to make herself feel real again.
Throughout the discussion and at the end she did not hold out much hope for a resolution
of this problem but that she would have to find some means of living with the problem.
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March 25, 2000
1 have not written about an incident, which happened on Wednesday evening, March
22nd, while I was away in the jungle. The bread which Lisa and Maria keep for
themselves in the fridge became wet because of the fridge defrosting. But in the
morning, Maria had set aside some bread for herself. When she went to get that in the
evening it was gone. She became very upset and went though a long session of panic and
stress. When in such a situation she says that she is being punished and that it happens
because she is bad. She was hitting herself and rolling about on her bed. Since 1 was not
there no one could touch her. One of the staff went and brought some bread from the
store but then Maria would not have it. It seems the emotions she is having these times
are a mixture of great fear, and also an anger that she takes out on herself, believing that
she is bad and deserves the unjust punishment. She had told me on Thursday morning
that she was very upset on Wednesday evening but I did not ask her for the details.
This morning we were to go for an early walk with the dogs, something she likes very
much. When 1 came out of my room she was at the top of the stairs to tell that she was
not feeling good and so could not come. I went alone saying I would be with her when 1
came back. 1 was back and reading my prayers when she came into the room. She put her
head down in my lap and I continued reading. After the reading we remained in the same
position. She began to say a few words. At one time she said she felt like an embryo and
felt like being surrounded by water and darkness I said that was all right, I would help
her. 1 gave her sentences, like her body will grow strong, the bones will develop and the
skin cover them. Meanwhile I was stroking her arms and moving them. She kept her
head on my stomach during the time as I stroked her head and arms. 1 felt I could enable
her to grow stronger in her body by quietly being with her and giving her short messages
about her body growing and her skin being protective. 1 let her feel my breathing and
heart beat, let her have her head on my chest. She seemed to be taking in the comfort and
assurance. She felt at ease and lay quietly. After the session she was lively and well.
April 1,2000
I have been remiss in that I have not written anything in the past week. 1 have to begin
with an important day, last Sunday, March 26th. I was at Mt. St. Joseph’s when 1
received a phone call at 8.00 a.m. to come down to ASV as Maria was having a serious
panic attack. 1 found out later that she had asked that I be called down. She had had a
good morning before that. She was up and took the dogs out and fed them and spent
some quiet time with herself. Then she was walking towards my room and felt very
weak and disturbed as if her body was going into pieces. She was led to her bed by Lisa,
but would not allow her to touch her. She went through the usual beating herself,
trembling and rolling about.
She had had diarrhea during the night; she believes that makes her very weak. As she
does not eat very much, so no doubt this is true. They gave her some juice and
electrolytes. When I came in she came easily to my arms and 1 took a little time to settle
as I held her. I remained holding her for over 30 minutes, slowly giving her messages
about being safe and accepted. She drank large quantities of water. When she felt better I
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brought her over to my room and we quietly spent time together. I had some breakfast
and she also had some fruit and toast.
She spoke about being afraid of the condition of her stomach and the physical problem,
which she was having. She feels helpless and worried about how long she is going to be
in this condition. She distrusts the Indian medicine and wants to be able to come through
the physical problem without medicine. In some way I agree with this as she wants to
build up her strength. In our talking she mentioned various aspects of the panic attack as
it comes on her. At times it seems to come suddenly and without warning.
Later in the afternoon Jenny came and so we had some time together, the three of us. She
has great trust in Jenny. Then I went off with Jenny for dinner.
On Monday morning Maria felt weak so there was no going for a walk, I had decided not
to go myself anyway since I was quite tired. So we spent time together. She talked about
her weakness and different messages which she had received when young around food
although she may not have been given these messages clearly, she had formed them for
herself. She still had a stomach problem but refused to take medicine. She hope that
slowly it would go away.
April 2, 2000
came back to the house at about nine in the morning and found Maria sitting quietly in
my chair writing letters. She had been up early, took the dogs for a good walk, and was
in good spirits for she knew I was coming early. We spent time quietly together. It was a
strengthening session.
In the evening we had an important discussion. It was at eight uo clock, tea time for the
community. 1 had not had dinner and so wanted a couple of cheese sandwiches. I was
organizing the bread and cheese when I was called to the phone, spending half an hour
on the phone. When I came back she had all the sandwiches ready. As we were sitting
after eating them she wanted to communicate something very important. She spoke of
her disturbance when she was preparing the food, knowing that I had gone for a long
telephone call. She had prepared my food but then was not willing to accept that she
could have more food for herself. She puts herself down saying to herself that she has no
right to take more food, in some way she must earn the food, which she takes into herself.
While she is doing this questioning and moving from different positions within herself
she is stirring up much anger that takes her away from her thinking. The anger develops
and she shifts into a mood in which she rejects herself strongly.
April 03, 2000
When Maria came to me this morning after my walk, she said that she woke up feeling
strong and liked the weather and wanted to walk but it was too late and so she came down
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on herself for being lazy and not doing what she could have done. We talked then and
about it later how she is so very critical of herself, rejecting of herself. She is continually
being in judgment on herself. She expects me to be able to sense or realize this action of
hers in blaming herself. It is an experience, which she has of herself which is very deep,
very much a living part of her personality that has been with her since the beginning. It is
not an experience which she believes can be adjusted or changed since it is very much
herself. I reassured her that 1 accept this experience she has of herself. She has difficulty
trying to speak about this, most people she has talked with have tried to take it more or
less lightly and so she feels it is better not to talk about it. It cannot be simply explained.
The experience has caused her much pain over the years, kept her in fear and drained her
energy. I say I will be with her in this. She accepts that I can tell her to stop putting
herself down. 1 believe she needs a constant and sure support in whatever situation she is
in.
April 9, 2000
These past few days in my holding sessions with Maria in the mornings we have been
working on the close contact which she believes she needs. She lies on my chest and 1
speak to her messages concerning the growth of her body. I he way she sometimes reacts
when very little, it is as if she is a prebirth. She wants to feel that her body is closed and
is one. I speak to her with messages reassuring her of the formation of her body, how her
skin can be growing stronger all the time, the protection that her skin gives to her.
On the 7th, I spent over a half an hour on the assimilation of food, from taking in through
the mouth to the digestion and then moving throughout the body strengthening her,
especially concentrating on the build up of the skin. She wishes me to keep giving her
messages, talking with her as she is very little. 1 find it easy to talk to her about herself
and what is happening within her body as she grows.
April 10, 2000
This morning at breakfast time there was an incident which showed how quickly and
deeply she can withdraw and be isolated within herself. She sat down in my room with
her oranges and plate. I went downstairs to get the fruit for my breakfast which I share
with Maria to make sure that she is eating enough breakfast. At first I could not find my
fruit in the fridge and became very angry. 1 did not express my anger but Maria realized
that I was quite angry and sat there while 1 began to read the paper. After a little time I
decided to look again for the fruit and found it. 1 then began my breakfast and began to
share the fruit with Maria. She was by then deeply withdrawn, just sitting in her place
looking off in the near distance. After finishing my breakfast I went over and tried to get
her come out of the withdrawal, but I couldn’t draw her out. As I began to hold her she
became quite restless and was gripping her hair and arms.
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April 23, 2000
There is much I should have written about the past week but I have not been able to find
the time. In the past few days Maria has been becoming more troubled, yet from time to
time quite settled.
May 2, 2000
The last ten days have been difficult days for Maria. In the last days she has been
expressing her fears and wondering whether it would be better to return to Germany
earlier. She has made the decision not to come back to Bangalore to engage in a program
that would be recognized for her university course. She has been talking about being “not
connected” as “being isolated’-. She has not been eating as well as she should be eating.
Her BP is very low - at times 90s over 50s. Because of this low BP she is often weak
and dizzy and fainting. She has missed walking in the mornings because of this
weakness.
Last Wednesday, we had a profitable day,. She was at the Sunny Farm swimming when I
came there on an outing with the Fathers from Mt. St. Joseph’s. So I joined her in the
swimming. This became an excellent exercise, in that she was quite regressed and I
could give her messages on the growth of her body from the beginning. She has always
had a sense that her body was not finished , hence the insecurity and the numerous panic
attacks she has had in her life. Since that day she has wanted more closeness.
The last ten days had been very difficult days for Maria and she had to follow through
on her decision to return to Germany. I was reluctant to see her go , but I felt it was
necessary. And when in Germany, because of her health she could not think of returning
to India .She still dreamed of returning to India but it was quite impossible for her. She
kept up her correspondence with me which I include below and some of my responses
them. She always gave Sano as her name when with me and she will always be Sano for
me.
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Letters received from Maria between 2005 and 2006
February 25, 2005
Dear Pa,
I am very sorry I have to postpone my traveling to you. I am in a very, very deep crisis
and do not know how my condition will develop in the next days or weeks. I am on high
medication and did not feel like this since probably many years. Sano is suffering so
much. My job, my foot on the ground and I think I have to leave Thomas. I love him so
much and he loved me and we could have a wonderful life. But he is very sick, needs lot
of time for himself. 1 have no difficulties in giving him time. But I need a home, 1 want to
make plans for the future, need this telling of being wanted, fully wanted and having a
place. 1 do not have all this with him. He says he probably will never find a woman like
me again, did not feel so much love for somebody before .... It is so sad. I tried to be
patient but for me this relationship becomes more and more destructive. He is cold, is
refusing me, sends me away and then he wants me being with him and enjoys having me
around him. He makes his therapy and that will take a very long time. For me it would
be okay, I can understand, I still would want him. I do not need a man who is functioning
so well and earns lots of money and so on. I do not need all that. ,but I need a home with
somebody, a future and I would like to try to become pregnant. 1 could wait
but now
without having a place, means one apartment sharing with him and not moving from one
place to the other not knowing for how long he wants me there. 1 am very, very sad and
paralyzed, feel still, depressed and very much left alone. It is horrible.
But 1 do not want to complain , I mean 1 am only sorry. I do not know what 1 can do. I
went to the doctor this morning and he wanted me to send me in hospital. I did deny. I
am looking for a therapist here and I think I did find somebody who is good. But
everything will take time 1 do not have, really. I would need you so urgently, so much!!
But I am not able to travel and 1 can not deal with an adventure, being in Bombay at the
airport, feeling not safe when you are not with me each minute in India. I am too needy.
I am very sorry.
Take care of yourself and I hope you are fine! Love Maria (Sano)
June 14,2005
Dear Pa,
Many thanks for your letter, for sharing with me how you are and how you are doing...
and please be sure, you do not complain. I mean if you would complain you really have
enough reasons for it. but you do not. I thank you for expressing yourself as you did and
for giving me the chance to know a little bit more about things which are not always so
easy for you, which take away your energy. You must be very tired and you would need
a break. And I know how difficult it is for you to set boundaries and to take time for
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yourself, and there are always people who have demands and always the wish in yourself
to be for people. All the demands you have on yourself to be for people and to help them
to live a more fulfilled life and can be more aware and happy. And I always did and do
appreciate that but too much is too much. And you know that you have to care more for
yourself.... and when you cannot do it for yourself then you have to think that you have
to be more by yourself and be more at Mt. St. Joseph’s, take time for resting, meditating
to refresh your energy and to do everything for having a long, long life... Please! I do not
want you to feel criticized but I know I have to worry about you, if you let me know how
you are doing or not. I want you to feel good without all the burdens and to feel at ease,
at least sometimes. You forget about yourself and that is not good. I am sorry I cannot do
anything for you, not really. I only can be with you in spirit.
I am thinking of you so often during the day, have your pictures beside my bed and
pictures of us in the kitchen. I miss you so much but yes, right now 1 cannot come and I
am very thankful for being assured you accept my decision. Thank you for being you.
I am here and try to work as a freelancer. I can work now more and more. And 1 like
teaching and preparing the lessons. For a couple of weeks ago a former priest, catholic
did ask me if I would like to train social workers, students and nurses in palliative care,
how to care for dying people. He is very active and has lots of influence. You know that
has been my main topic in my studies in nursing science. I am very happy and hope I
will manage. I only have a big problem since last summer when I trained people who
wanted to become a nurse in this school where they sent me off. The job has been very
tiring and one day I collapsed in front of the class. I am not scared of the people and it is
not because of my BP and it is not a panic attack. I get one when I get this dizziness. I
really lose my consciousness. That threatened me very much. Right now I cannot teach
one or two hours without feeling so weak, dizzy and loosing my feet on the ground. It is
very scary, cannot see properly and feel fully weak. I go to the toilet and take
medication. But something has to change otherwise I cannot continue doing this job.
Then I collapsed by painting, fell almost off my chair, terrible, and so much exhausted.
Something is overwhelming me, must be and I do not feel like this because I expect it.
There is something very deep within myself I cannot figure out.
It is so frustrating because actually I got more strong, I feel better, more stable compared
to three years ago you know. I like working and it gives me a good feeling, but actually I
am not ready for it and I try to find out what causes this feeling, in my therapy.
So it is me who is complaining, I am sorry. I wish I could be with you now! I love you so
much and keep you in my heart!
Love Maria.
206
August 25, 2005
Dear Pa,
Many thanks for your warm letter, your compassion, concern and sharing with me your
thoughts - thanks for being you and for being with me in spirit. 1 felt very touched by
reading your letter, printed it and take it with me, given me a feeling of having you more
close with me. That is a good feeling. And today Melanie sent me some pictures and I
did see you on one of it and had tears in my eyes. I miss you so much and 1 only can
repeat saying how much I would give for spending some time with you. Next year I hope
we can make it happen.
This time lots of things are happening. May be my job situation will change. This school
I work for since a couple of months as freelancer did offer me a real job. I do not know
the English word for it. It would not be full time but actually 1 could more rely on my
working situation and it would be a more saving for me. On the one hand it would be
great, on the other hand 1 would be much more under pressure. 1 will see..
It is raining here, summer is gone now and it is getting cold. You would not feel
comfortable here. Do you remember that you did phone me a couple of weeks ago? You
did speak to me on my answering machine. I did save it and almost once a day 1 can
listen to your voice. Pa, I am loving you and send my love out to you. Hope everything
is well with you!
Love Maria (Sano)
September 07, 2005
Dear Dad,
1 am sitting here at my desk, thinking of you, wondering what and how you are doing. So
often I think I have to or I feel like writing to you and then something holds me back
from doing it. May be because of my English it is becoming really more and more bad
or only because my wish of sharing with you face to face is so strong and writing about
my life here is so difficult because I can not put in words what I would like you to know.
But I feel fine so far. Concerning my job situation I have to be patient. But actually
things are working out very well. 1 only can hope and trust I will manage my work in
future and that people who may be could offer jobs will be able to do it, means can pay
salary and would keep me. 1 am very much under pressure but I will see.
Yes, and a couple of weeks ago 1 met a man. I like him very much, quite sick after
Thomas.... but what to do, I mean 1 am really very interested in him, is intelligent, has
lots of humour, makes me laugh, is sensitive and somebody I think 1 could rely on. He
likes me very much and even we do not know ourselves really, not yet, there is a kind of
bond. I am very glad meeting him and I will see and wait how a relationship can
207
develop. It is very exciting and I am very happy and can enjoy with him. And then I put
myself so much down, think I am not good enough, no good job and all my problems I
have with myself, I will see.
Pa, I wish you could be here and I hope everything is well with you. I love you verv
much !
J
J
Love Maria (Sano)
September 23, 2005
Dear Pa,
It is Friday evening and I am sitting here at my desk and I am thinking of you. So often
during the day you are with me in spirits and I am thinking of you here with me and
Sano...... now 1 am wait'ng for Klaus. The man I told you about. Yes, we are a couple
now and so many things are new for me. He is so much different from Thomas. I like
him very much and enjoy being with him. Sometimes it is as if I know him since a very
ong time and then I realize that I do not know him at all. I mean it takes lots of time to
now each other. I am very happy and then I feel so insecure, question myself and feel
so much inferior and he cannot understand. He is very sensitive and aware of people, of
me but he is not used to talking about feelings, about himself. And for me it is new only
being there without talking so much but to feel he really wants me and wants knowing
me. He is quite successful in his job and works a lot and I cannot really understand that
for him it is not so important how much money I earn or things like this. Then he says
but I do not like you because of your job. I like you because of being you. And he is
somebody who wants to merry one day, wants children, very much so, not now of course
but in future. It is great, that is what I would like to have and to live. It is only that I do
not trust my body or I feel too scared for being pregnant. And then I think I should not
have a relationship with him so he can look for a woman who is not struggling so much.
And then I only feel good and hope everything will work out well. We are in the
beginning ... It is difficult to trust that things will work out as they are supposed to do.
I hope you feel fine so far and take care of yourself. What is with the second floor of
your building? How is your health? I am looking forward to being with you whenever it
will be, hopefully soon. Pa, I send my love out to you! Love Maria (Sano)
May, 1 2006
Dear Pa,
I apologize for not writing earlier, very much. I am sorry I did not send you a mail or
tried phoning you. I do not know why did I hesitate writing to you... I sent you a
208
postcard and hope somebody will take it to the place where you are resting and try to
recover. Melanie told me about your operation and your angina. Pa, how much would I
give for being with you now, but I cannot, not now but I still hope 1 or we can work
something out. We will ! I am fairly sure!
Please take care of yourself. 1 am proud of you that you are resting now. 1 wish you lots
of strength and health! I am doing well so far. Klaus and me are moving together. Now
I am sitting here at his desk. 1 am very happy with him. I try to become pregnant and we
are thinking of being married. I hope I will manage, 1 am very scared of losing the gifts
or presents 1 have in my life. I do not know how to put in words what I mean but 1 think
you understand. 1 still have to struggle but that is probably my life. Pa, I love you so
much! Thank you for being you! That I have more and more a fulfilled life is only
because of you. My heart is full of gratitude by thinking of you and our memories! I am
being with you in spirit!
Love Maria
August 16, 2006
Dear Pa,
I apologise my delay in writing to you. I do not know what holds me back. 1 am thinking
of you so often during the day, each day and you are in my mind, but sometimes there is
a hesitation of writing. And thank you for being with me in spirit.
The operation went well. I have been so scared, had night mares each night a couple of
weeks before. And Klaus has been with me, took two days off and did care for me. And
the best thing is, the doctor who has made an examination before has not been right and
that was the reason for my trouble. My tubes have not been closed. Everything is fine
with my ovaries and I only had a harmless cyst, nothing to worry about. I am fully
healthy. So 1 am very happy and 1 or we hope I will become pregnant one day. Now I
have trouble with my hormones but that could be because of the stress I had.
And actually 1 am fine. 1 am working as a freelancer and my business is going well. I
will never become rich but it is okay. I mainly train nurses who specialize for being in
charge of dying people.
What I really worry about is my physical condition. 1 feel strong and healthy. It is only
my very weak nervous system. I still have these sensations and feelings of losing my
conscious and feeling dizzy. I am very frustrated because it is so exhausting. I am doing
therapy but may be there is something deep within myself 1 can not find a solution or
may be something got broken one day and 1 can not repair it. Even when I feel good and
1 would not expect something but 1 can have lots of sensations which make me feeling
weak.
209
But yes, my life is good and 1 am doing well. My relationship with Klaus is good. What
about you? Did you find out something about your visa application? How is your health
and your skin on your nose? I hope we can be together soon! Pa, take care of yourself! I
send my love out to you!! Maria (Sano)
September 25, 2006
Dear Pa,
Now 1 am sitting here at my desk, thinking of you and hope you are fine and wondering
what you are doing. Oh Yes, what would I give for being with you now, spending time
with you, sharing with you and seeing you... but we work on it and I trust we will meet
in person next year. It seems a good chance with this Governor who is interested in the
methods of ASV and how they can be used in the government hospital in Chandigarh. I
have to look it up where it is. I hope you will be able to use his backing to get your visa
extended. I am sorry you have all this trouble with your visa.
I have some problems with my health, my back, have a slipped disc. 1 hope I used the
right word. I looked it up in the dictionary . It is paining but I feel all right with it. It is
only tiring, riding on my bicycle two hours a day, that is good, get special gymnastic and
take my hot water bottle with me. Being active is better than resting.
And I have great news. Klaus and me will marry this year. 1 am very, very happy and
thank God for giving me this man. The registry office wedding will be on the 23
December, before Christmas, that has been my wish. We both are catholics but the
church as an institution does not mean much to us. We believe in God but having a
church wedding would not be right or atleast I am not sure because without it I also feel
not good. Klaus knows a deacon since he is a child and he wants to be blessed by him.
And yes, my deep, deep and very strong wish would be that you would marry me and
Klaus and that you would bless us in person. That would mean so much to me and would
make me so happy!! But how can we arrange? People in Germany have to be married by
the office before the church would accept a church wedding. We would like inviting you,
but may be on Christmas and with all the family we both would not have enough time for
each other and I really want you and me and you and Klaus and me. So may be Klaus
and me will come to India, I do not know when or if you have a visa you could come next
year to Germany. 1 hope we will work something out... What do you think ? Would that
be okay for you?
Pa, I miss you, I miss you very much, take care of yourself! I love you and send my love
out to you ! Maria (Sano)
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Email sent from Fr. Hank to Maria
August 28, 2005
Dear Maria,
Yes, hoping and determined to make it all happen, a visit with you some time next year.
Something to look forward to. Right now today I am tired as last night the temple just
next door to us had a celebration, all sorts of prayers and chants and crowds during the
day,. Then a big sort of variety show all night till six in the morning, so very little sleep.
So thoughtless of a group that is supposed to be some show of religiosity, no thought of
the inconvenience to others.
1 pray that your work situation works out in some sort of satisfactory manner for you. So
that you may feel settled and more at ease with yourself. Speaking of pictures I will have
to send you some pictures of Kandu who is growing very well, very friendly and a good
companion. 1 think you would love him.
Remember I keep you in mind, and within my heart, that is, where 1 have my deep
feelings and warmth and openness. Happy to know that you are present there, with Sano
quietly present and wishing and wanting, Love Pa,
December 21, 2006
Dear Maria, (Sano),
Yes, Sano, with all that you are going through at the present time you do feel very young,
and very small, very helpless, so since I cannot be there 1 send out my strongest desires
and prayers that you will be able to go through all that is necessary to bring you back to
reliable health and peace and strength. I thank God that you have Klaus with you. God
our caring Father does make some wonderful experiences happen in our lives, even we
never seem to be free of all worry and pain.
And really it all began in some little few years ago when Mary had to have her little Child
in a cattle shed. That scene was certainly not very noticeable, for the poor are never really
noticed, but what a tremendous happening for all of us individually. So much we can
never fully appreciate it all. So lets just be thankful and keep trusting. The Father has
been so good to me, blessed me throughout my life, kept me healthy and appreciated and
loved. And 1 will pray when 1 offer my Mass on Christmas eve that the Father gives to
you and Klaus the inner strength and love he put into the heart of that little baby born in
that small, poor cattle shed. Remember - all our chances and opportunity for happiness
began that night so many years ago.
Merry Christmas - and may the New Year burst in wonderful good news to you both.
Love, Pa
21 1
Mana felt fairly satisfied in the community - but it was a very difficult move on her part
to be fully relaxed and at ease in any place where she was to be with others. Living with
many people who were very much concerned with themselves was not easy for her. The
few people that she felt at ease with, with whom she could relax and might even begin to
Pn,m,
nrcA
enjoy herself
with were few because of her shyness She wou|d have |iked tQ be w.th
people but she did not easily find people who appreciated and wanted to make the effort
to discover how warm and accepting she could be.
Sometimes when there are <discussions
”
concerning former kids and how they fared with
their personality’s attempt to findla passage through the serious problems tying them
down in uncertainty and continuous doubt, we need to consider what they suffer or are
suffering within themselves.
Many times 1 experienced first hand the twists and consorted struggles that Maria went
through as she struggled to eliminate from her mind the terrible fear and hesitations that
she needed to put herself through in order to be present and in some way take part in the
community activities and sharings.
And she has left me with precious memories, memories I can be very thankful for. My
life is so much richer because of the times I spent with her - morning walks together
swimming in a small pool at the resort down the road from ASV. Such beautiful
memories she has left me with. “My heart is full of gratitude thinking of our memories'
1 am being with you in spirit! Love Maria (Sano)”.
I will always keep a special place in my heart for memories of Maria. The week being
together in the small resort on an island on the coast of Germany, when I visited
Germany, to check how she was doing after her time with me in India.
It was while planning her marriage with Klaus that the cancer that was to bring about her
death, struck her down. She died in 2007. Her husband wrote me a beautiful letter of her
last struggle. She wrote to me a month or so before her death.
“Dear Pa,
1 know that you are not at ASV. Recover from your operation in Koramangala. I hope
and trust everything went well and people take care of you. I apologize for not writing
earhen., so often 1 was sitting here at my desk and tried writing to you and then
something d.d hold me back ... I am so scared of losing you, Sano is so scared. But you
promised me and so you are taking care of yourself. I work on my difficulties in order to
meet you as soon as possible... I move in with Klaus this weekend. I am so happy being
with him. Pa, I wish you all the best !! I love you so much !! You are wonderful”1
Love, Maria (Sano)
212
Sundar
When Sundar came to me, not fully grasping the desire or need to make changes in his
personality, he could not fully accept the problems that were quite active in him.
He had been given training in some way in office procedures, but he found it very
difficult to fit in with the two or three other young men working in the office. He had
great ambitions as a accountant, but his competence was very limited, even though he
was very eager to learn. His competitive nature hindered his practice and he was unable
to carry out his ambitions, including his desire for marriage.
His uncle, who was his guardian, was unable to fulfill his demands, because his abusive
language, unnecessary expenses and violence were very unacceptable.
By being with the group in treatment he realized that he did have fairly good prospects if
he worked on the problems that he had. He was able to give up his anger and was
receptive although frightened because he really wanted to fit in well and be appreciated.
Gradually his social awareness improved and he began to control his wasteful expenses,
and became receptive of his uncles directions. Through therapy he learned to fit into a
team and to accept his place in the community, although there were disputes. After nearly
4-5 years of close living contact in ASV, he was able to 1 unction well and was accepted
back for a regular job his uncles’ office.
1 have appreciated the changes which he has made over the years, learning to act in a
continuously growing mature manner and developing an ability to be aware and knowing
himself. 1 am pleased how he has learnt to think and remain aware so that his thinking is
settled and appropriate.
1 value the great efforts that he has made to understand me and build the attachment that
he continues to have with me. His relationship with me has enabled him to become
flexible and adaptable when necessary in any dilficult situation.
He continues to maintain our attachment which 1 now consider as one of close friendship.
I have enjoyed putting together the various letters that 1 have written to him over the
years, after he left ASV, which 1 believe were quite meaningful to him. Our
correspondence ended up being a great source of happiness to me.
213
Date : 10.08.2007 Time 13.27 pm
Subject: Confidence
Dear Sundar,
I apologize for the delay in sending this to you. I have been very busy this morning
sending some letters out to people in Chandigarh - to Abdul’s father and others.
Confidence is something a person will not think of very much, especially the confident
person, for the confident person will just go along and do his work without reflecting that
the work seems to be easy for him and that it seems to be done, quickly, or that he
keeps getting new ideas which help him in his work. So notice those things that you can
easily and quickly, that you find easy to do and competent in doing. As you reflect you
will realize that you are confident in doing those things.
To increase your confidence be aware while you are doing activities you need to do or
especially enjoy doing. Have the sense that you are confident to do those things. It will
give you a feeling of security, a sort of pride.
I will write more if 1 have an opportunity this afternoon. All the best. Fr. Hank
Date: 27.08.2007 Time: 08.52 am
Sub: No Discouragement
Dear Sundar,
I can understand how you feel. When everything seems to be going on well, when you
feel in charge of yourself and what you need to do and have strength to always take
charge and follow what you have decided. Then you find you have made a mistake or
been weak and haven't followed through on the decisions you have made. I have often
felt that way. I felt down within myself and tend to be depressed.
But I have learned that 1 have to be strong with myself, to take charge of my thinking and
feeling. So I think that I can be strong enough and not to feel down or depressed. So I
behave as when I am controlling my anger. When I may be very angry with someone and
feel that 1 cannot express it as I would want to, I decide to keep my anger and not to
speak out or tell the person. So I keep control and agree to drop the anger for my own
good - I would rather feel good than keep the anger. My main aim is that I still feel strong
and calm with myself.
Yesterday we had a good day with parents and guests. There was lots of discussion, with
the parents asking us to give them a day or two session on their own personal growth and
how to handle their feelings and communicate with others. I feel happy that we had two
full day’s session. We will have more.
214
All the best. Fr. Hank
Date : 16.09.07
Sub: Hello
Time: 10.52 am
Dear Sundar,
I enjoyed speaking with you last evening. I can understand that your uncles will talk to
you about getting ahead in certain ways. You can remember or think that relatives that
you meet only now and again will say what they believe. They will probably believe that
you should be moving ahead in the manner that they believe would be good for you. But
that is only their opinion. They do not know what you are working on for your future
when they speak. You have your plans and are working to become an auditor, you have
chosen your line or profession, and on this you are definitely working. So you can let
drop or ignore what the others are saying to you or proposing for you. Trust in yourself
and your own planning, especially the plans that you have worked out with your father.
Keep trusting in yourself and all that you can accomplish in your life. By losing so many
kilos you know that you can accomplish what you set out to do. So carry on with your
plans and do not allow yourself to be diverted by what others may say.
1 am going up to Valsad this week - flying up to Mumbai early Thursday morning - then
afternoon train to Valsad and back to Mumbai by train early Monday morning and then
flying back to Bangalore late Monday evening. Maybe we could meet on Monday.
You are all right - keep going on well.
Fr.Hank
Date : 29.09.2007
Time 16.40 pm
Sub: Steady Confidence
Dear Sundar,
We all of us have a long way to go before we can be the strong effective persons that we
would like to be. Do not think I was always like I am today. It took many years of
struggle for me to gain the confidence in myself that 1 have at the present time. I often
felt that 1 was way behind other persons I was studying with, and especially other persons
who were with me in the training to become the teacher I knew I had to become. And
also when I was given the post of Headmaster in the school it took some time for me to
learn how to organize the teachers and the students so the school could function in a
manner that helped everyone attached to the school. But I did not become discouraged or
put myself down through a lot of fears. No, I realized that I could learn what was
necessary to be learned in order to have everything go smoothly. I never became
discouraged but kept regularly telling myself that 1 could learn more and more, and feel
215
good about my learning. We are all able to learn, and the learning process is not
reXd'"8/ |h0U'dA aV°ld iUt enter 'nt0 the learn'ng pr0CesS with ^termination and a
inZ d V66 lng’ A reWardlng feellng comes to me as 1 gradually, slowly, step by step
integrate those practice activities I have to learn. All the best to you. Love, Fr. Hank
Date : 14.10.2007
Time : 18.23 pm
Sub: Quite Confident
Dear Sundar,
When you phone to me I feel my attachment to you being deepened, so you can phone
me anytime, and on any matter or occasion. I realize that you have had a few difficult
days and during this time you have been speaking with your uncle and have managed to
be actively and positively involved with him, and that both of you now appreciate the
way things have worked out together.
You are learning and slowly integrating yourself into the office practices. Any person
who is leammg some new practices or skills has to accept that much of the knowledge
not be clear to him but will be clearer as he goes along and stays patient in his
learning. So the mam word is "patient" which means I wait, while I believe that all the
knowledge will come to me or be given to me, taught to me, as the time goes by.
You will be actively learning all the time as your uncle is teaching you. So you will be
earning. Every person who is now in the office has gone through the slow process of
learning, learning more and more as the days go by.
I appreciate very much your trust in me. From my last visit, as I talked with youyou’re
your uncle as I took my lunch, I saw that you and your uncle can be very understanding
together - that is very good and the goal of all therapy. Today we had our meeting with
the kids and parents and I told everybody that the goal of all of our therapy is that the
kids and parents will be able to stay open to each other, come to agreement because of
their acceptance of each other.
All the best to you. Fr. Hank
Date: 20.10.2007
Time : 16.40 pm Sub: Confidence
Dear Sundar,
hanks for your phone call yesterday. I appreciate hearing from you. And I am always
ready to write to you - yes, and write about any matter that you may want me to write
bout I realize that 1 should be writing to you more often, just to help you to realize that
I am thinking of you and wish that you are feeling good with yourself and finding a
STpereon
t0 8r0W
Str°n8 belief in your great va,ue
216
I guess that is what 1 especially would want for you to have - a great value in yourself.
Each and every person needs to reflect within himself or herself on the value that he
places on his being this person now - this existing, living person who is conscious of
himself and believes that he is accepted by at least one or two other persons, persons who
are happy that he is living and interacting with them, just as you are realizing that 1 am
accepting you, happy to know you and happy to share myself and my thoughts with you.
I have good happiness and strength knowing that some other persons accept me, come to
talk with me, want to know how I am feeling. So within mysell 1 am conscious of my
accepting these other people, accepting you and so many kids that have been here in
ASV during the last few years. When one of the kids who has been here writes to me,
even though it may only be to ask some little advice or support, or just to say hello, I feel
more confident. I feel good with myself and am ready to carry on the work that 1 am
doing each day.
So confidence comes from that realization, the belief, the knowledge that 1 am accepted
by some person, or some one or two persons, or many persons. And all of us need to
have that experience that we are accepted by another person and so then we can believe
in our self and be confident within our self. We learn to trust in our self, so that whatever
happens to us, or whatever anyone might say to me I still feel good with myself, and do
not need to become angry or argue with another person. We just remain confident within
ourselves.
All the best to you.
Fr.Hank
Date: 28.10.2007
Time : 12.16 pm
Sub : Being with people
Dear Sundar,
1 appreciated your talking with me yesterday - your openness and trust is a very positive
quality that you have. This quality will be of much help to you.
I believe that 1 have some idea of the problem which you are facing. It is very difficult to
find a way to become part of a group that are speaking together, especially when the
people already know that you have some difficulty in your work or in feeling at ease with
people. So when a person is in this situation they have to be very aware of the reactions
of the others, quietly trying to understand what their reactions are. You will need to know
what the others are talking about, what are their interests and usual subjects of talk. So I
have to go slowly and wait until there is some sort of invitation, some sort of opening that
allows me to enter into their conversation easily and smoothly.
There is a skill that all people have to learn in order that they may join in any group for
conversation, or begin to mix with others whom they are not close friends with. I guess
the word I would need to use in describing this process is that it is a delicate process - I
217
cannot move abruptly into a jgroup. The ~
English word is - I cannot barge into a group. So
unless I am invited into a group talking together I have to go slowly.
Later I can speak with one or other of the |
persons who talk together but again I cannot
ask them what they were talking about, unless the person begins to tell
I me what they
were talking about.
We can talk more about this. Stay happy with yourself- you are doing well. All the best Fr. Hank
Date: 31.10.07
Time : 16.39 pm
Sub: Relating with People
Dear Sundar,
I regret that 1 am late in sending you this - I have been busy today. How do I break
through to other people who do not accept me or who seem that they do not want to talk
with me or have any relationship with me?
I have to go slow and watch these persons without being open and looking at them all the
time but just being aware of them and trying to get some idea of what sort of person the
person is, what the person is like. Is he someone who laughs a lot, is he some one who is
silent a lot? So slowly I get some "feel" for the person, if I believe that he is very stiff or
an angry person, then I go slow. If he is someone who laughs a lot and seems friendly
then I can consider, "How can I be with this person?"
But you are an outsider to the fellows in the office, _.
even though you work in the same
office. They are not interested in having you as a friend
or they may be interested but do
not believe that they would like to be friends with you. One thing you can do - is to just
feel within yourself, your attitude towards them - each one individually. You get some
idea ot how the person is when you try judging the way they talk and behave.
And you begin to allow yourself to feel positive towards one of them or each of them
You sense positive feelings towards them slowly. Then you quietly wait - it will take
days - until there is some recognition coming from one of them - he may greet you in the
morning or ask you a question about yourself.
Do not believe that they are always critical or negative towards you - just be quiet and
watch them.
It is easier with strangers that you meet in the gym or in roadside shops - then it may be
possible to wish them well or ask them questions about how they are - or speak about
what is the news in the newspaper - or talk about films - or cars - or buses. Just a few
sentences back and forth between you and the person will begin to give you some
confidence that you can communicate with other people.
218
Believe that you are equal to any person - the other person may have more education or
have some skill you do not have or seems to be more active and knowing. Remember that
you are equal to that person, you are equal because he is a person and you are a person so
you have a right to be as you are. And slowly you will come to accept that you are as
good as anyone and have your rightful place anywhere.
You can give me feedback on the above. Is it helpful and what you want ?
All the best. Fr. Hank
Date: 1.11.2007
Sub: Mistakes
Time : 17.38 pm
Dear Sundar,
Yes, we all make mistakes, sometimes we notice our mistakes, sometimes we do not
notice our mistakes, sometimes other persons do not notice our mistakes, sometimes
other people do not notice their mistakes, sometimes we do not notice other persons’
mistakes, sometimes we notice other persons' mistakes....
All of this goes on all the time. So we have to accept if people do not notice our mistakes,
we have to accept if they notice our mistakes. And of course, there are times when we
make mistakes and think we have not made a mistake, there are times when we have
made a mistake and nobody notices it, and we haven't, made a mistake and others think
we have made a mistake.
So there are all sorts of combinations and situations. Is there any solution? There will be
mistakes, unexpected and not deliberate. What to do? And what if the results of the
mistake has an effect on me?
Then 1 have to stop and think and make as good a judgment as I can. And 1 have to do
this, no matter how I am feeling - whether 1 am feeling angry, sad or afraid.
Now the mistake can be serious, or it can be slight, not serious. When I come away from
the coffee seller and I realize when I have to walk a good distance down the street that
the seller has made a mistake in giving me not the proper amount of change. What can I
do? I let us pass. Why get into an argument?
I go to the hospital for an operation and the new doctor who is supposed to remove my
left cancerous foot makes a mistake removes my healthy right foot. What can I do? I can
do many things, take him to court, demand compensation, etc.
The trainer tells me to do a certain exercise that he hopes will help me lose weight. I gain
weight even though I do not eat more food. What to do? I can believe he is doing his best,
and he can never be sure. 1 give my own feedback to him which he accepts and follow
my suggestions. Or he doesn't agree with me and tells me to stay on the old exercise. I
can walk out and go to another trainer.
219
So that is how life is. There are always doubts in every situation. Nothing is 100 percent
valid and sure. So we go along as best we can judge. It is necessary to be flexible, that is.
stay open and ready to accept because most matters are not 100% sure. It is better to
remain undecided so that we can remain open and friendly even though I would like it to
be firm and decided. We always need to remain positive towards the other person.
All the best. Fr. Hank
Date: 10.11.2007
Time : 09.43 am
Sub: Sorry
Dear Sundar,
I am late in sending you this email-1 had promised that I would send you an email some
days ago - an email on the relations between people and how can we understand people
and find the ways to be in contact with them, talking with them and working with them.
Really the contact with people begins within myself. I have to have the confidence and
acceptance of myself so that I can feel at ease within myself and ready to reach out to
others. The confidence gives me the assurance that I can make contact with others - that I
am as good as they are, 1 have to understand that they have their strengths and
weaknesses, as no one is perfect. We are all the same. Some are more intelligent and
seem to work faster and can talk easier. They may have different interests than I have.
Still basically they want the same things in their life that I want - friends, success, etc.
I hope you have had a good Diwali - sometime to be free and do things that you like to
do. I think of you each day - All the best to you. Fr. Hank
04.12.2007
Time 13.24 pm
Subject: All the Best
Dear Sundar,
May all be well. I believe that you can enjoy the accomplishments that you made in the
past two years - or maybe even more time...You are finding the ways to obtain the
smooth and pleasant experiences that you have always wanted to have in your life. And
this is the result of your being patient, using your awareness and thinking, paying
attention to the feelings and thoughts that come up within you and working out through
your feelings and your attitudes the goals that you are organizing for yourself in your
experiences with your uncle and other persons. In this way you are gaining in confidence
and becoming more sure of yourself.
Continue as you are doing - Love, Hank
220
05.12.2007
Time 20.23 Hrs.
Sub: Freedom
Dear Sundar,
Thanks for your email. 1 am very happy to answer your mail. I will try to explain a bit
how you move into the Negative Thinking. What happens is that you choose
unconsciously to remain in such a stuck position. The problems arise when your uncle
does not agree with you on your proposal. Try to think about many times in the past when
your uncle has thought differently over some point and you have become upset. Or think
of the times with me when you felt that I was disagreeing with you. You would feel angry
and because of that your thinking would be blocked or stuck so that you did not have any
thought that you had a choice to behave and talk differently.
When a person is setting aside his feelings (realizing that he has strong feelings but does
not act on his feelings but remains neutral or quiet) then he can easily think and so can
decide what is the most helpful decision he can take about himself at that time so he can
plan for his future and what will help him to be successful and friendly and respected by
others.
All the best to you, Fr. Hank
07.12.2007 Time: 11.00 am
Sub: Others
Dear Sundar,
Thanks for your telephone conversation twice today - many thanks for making contact.
Speaking with you over the phone is in many ways so much more meaningful than the
simple emails although I also appreciate the communication that comes with the emails.
It is always, in some manner, very enriching for persons to communicate with each other
for the contact allows us to appreciate ourselves more simply because of the contact we
have. We grow through our contact.
And for that reason we, all of us, are frustrated when some individuals or groups of
people stay distant and do not wish to communicate with us even though they may be
working in the same office with us. It is the same as being pushed away, or discounted,
pushed away. Yes, this often happens when the people are from a different language
group or tribe. What do we need to do then when people seem to stay away from us and
do not want to speak with us, yet speak very much among the people of their group.?
Then we need to be quite clear and acceptant of ourselves, or an individual must be clear
about his own person, having a serious acceptance and trust in himself so that he can
remain free within himself, convinced of his value as a person, fully aware of the process
in his own thinking so that reaffirms his confidence in himself and he does not become
upset because of the way in which the persons how turn their backs on him or refuse to
talk with him as they talk with each other. They show by their rejection that they do not
want to share with him. In this situation a person needs to be strong and decide that he
221
will not be disturbed within himself by their conduct. He will think of his own goodness
and his worth and value to himself and the others who do accept him and talk openly and
discuss openly matters with him.
So there you are Sundar. I hope this is fairly clear and not too long. All the best to you.
Love, Fr. Hank
Date: 14.12.07
Time : 11.02 am
Sub: Awareness
Dear Sundar,
Meiny ihan^ for your email. I had made up an answer for you and then was distracted
when Usha came m and before I could send it the power went off. I was writing to you
about awareness, and the necessity of remaining open within ourselves to the reactions
which we experience within ourselves at any time. For we are always reacting that is
being alive. We experience our life as we go along - feeling, thinking, remembering,
cnjoymg, being happy, being worried, being angry when someone snubs us or is not
willing to allow us to talk - - - all many experiences that we have to go through the day.
However, when we slow down our experiences, and notice our feelings and the reasons
we are feeling as we are, then we can be in charge and decide how we are going to react
study the various options we have to think about, for options are always there no matter
Hank^
feellng and th'nking' Enough for now - may al1 be well for you. Love, Fr.
18.12.2007 Time : 18.08 pm
Sub: May all be well
Dear Sundar,
I Will try to give you some ideas on the subject we have been talking about. The word
consciousness is a word that helps to explain the word of awareness. When I am awake I
am conscious and we say that I know what is going on in me. In other words I know that
am feeling, and that I can alsobe thinking. So I need always to let myself know the
feelings that 1 am feeling. That is being conscious, being awake. 1 really cannot avoid the
feeling that I am having. When I am conscious of the feeling then I can change the
feeling to another feeling. And we talk about that next time. Right now 1 am going to
Tara's house for dinner. All the best to you. Hank
222
03.01.2008 Time 20.14 pm
Sub: Sorry for the delay
Dear Sundar,
I am sorry for the delay in writing to you - I have been very busy in the last few days. I
was just talking with you on the phone,,,. It was an enjoyable conversation for me. You
seem to be in good spirits which is something that 1 like to see - I like to see you being
positive and enjoying your life. We need to pay attention so that we can enjoy our lives.
Each of us will be aware of being in touch with our deep self, our deep feeling of being
the person that we are. That feeling will give me confidence to be the person that I am.
And this deep feeling of being strong and well and happy to be me, no one can take away
from me because it is my conscious awareness of my sell. Sometimes othei feelings may
come up in me that disturb me but I can always come back to my home base, to my being
strong and accepting me within myself. All the best. Love Fr. Flank
12.02.2008
Sub: All the Best
Time : 15.43 pm
Dear Sundar,
I am sorry that 1 have taken so long over the past month or so in not keeping in closer
touch with you through the email. I have been often thinking of you. On the difficulty
that you are having with the other people in the office you will have to just let them be as
they are. Unless they are open and talking with you there is probably no way that you can
feel at ease communicating with them. They are living their closed circle and not
interested in inviting you to join them. That is how people usually behave with people
they have difficulty in taking into their closed circle. There is not much you can do at
present. But do not allow them to put you down. Believe in yourself and your place in the
office. You are all right. Fr. Hank
20.02.2008
Sub: Sorry
Time : 9.37 am
Dear Sundar,
I apologize for not writing to you over the last many days. The excuse 1 have to make is
that 1 have had so many matters to take care of here. I have begun training sessions with
the new staff and junior staff and this has taken much of my time. I have been thinking of
you and sending my thoughts out to you - I remember how you spoke about the other
staff in the office ignoring you and cutting you off from their company. 1 hope that yotu
gym work is continuing and that you have been successful in lowering you weight. All
the best to you - Fr. Hank
223
27.02.2008
Sub : All the Best
Time : 17.34 pm
Dear Sundar,
Thanks for your phone call last evening. 1 agree - it is not easy. Life often does not come
R A TP IV HnPC I i fa
I
i •
that is all sweets and roses,
of the d
eme smootbly and Just as we would want it to fit our wishes and needs
of the moment. So we need a wonderful strength inspired by our courage and our
persistent behef that our life will be better in the future. In some ways it will be better
because I shall know myself better - I will realize that 1 can always in some way or 0^
mTXd iTooe^k"
W'th
Pe°P,e Wh° understand me ^d support
me. And I hope keep hopmg that there will be a positive change that will benef me
id e° nds olTi"
When diffiCUltieS f°r
C°me UP SUCh aS wbe" there are veTy
criticize S
k.eep aCt'ng °kUt and not getti"g well, or some outsiders negatively
criticize all that we do here in the community, the only thing I can do is think and
remember the past and the good kids such as you that we have had in the past Then 1 say
o myself that is all worth it. And I trust that tomorrow, the day following or some time in
the next week there will be a change.
So let us both keep hoping for a better future. Fr. Hank
24.03.2008
Sub: good Evening
lime: 21.39pm
Dear Sundar,
We had a conversation on the phone earlier this evening. I guess I would describe the
subject as being about what method to follow within myself when I have a sense that the
person who is speaking to me or calling me has some sort of negative intention to agitate
me, or provoke me in some manner, or speak about me in a distasteful or disrespectful
manner Against such a behaviour by another person I must be very strong and not allow
Z o ° Z™ 7“ " UPS" by ,he M"er P™- He " sl»
have a
intention - I may pick up a sense of this negative intention. Hence I have to be on mv
guard and protect my self, keeping myself composed and steady within my thinking of
myself realizing thal I may be or can be quite angry at the person but at the same time
controlling myself and not allowing my self to become upset by his or her remarks I
Hence1! "h
3
0pln'0n °f the PerS°n wh° trieS t0 Provoke me in this way
or actio^Tf the
T
Within mySe'f by not becoming upset by the words
or ac ion of the other - 1 protect myself from within by keeping my strong belief in
Sk
mySC'f
S° ’ d° nOt a"°W the Othe' Perso" make me not
m^fSZngXir
eX“P’ m,Self' ' J°
"hen ' S,0P be'ieVing in
All the best, Fr. Hank
224
02.04.2008
Time: 15.33 pm
Sub: Message
Dear Sundar,
1 apologize for not sending this message before now. Our telephone lines were cut by the
men laying the new water pipelines in the village - all the surrounding houses were also
cut off.
Now the main way to avoid being upset by whatever anyone says to me 1 have to be very
aware, very strong and determined within self. I need to be strong, very strong within
myself so that when someone says something to me 1 do not react at all. I stay calm and
steady, convinced that I am not going to allow this person to cause me to be moved or
upset or bothered by what they say to me. 1 need to stay cool and not react and try to
reply to them immediately. I stop and give myself time to think. Even if what the person
says makes or moves me to feci immediately very angry I remain calm and do not give
any angry answer. I keep quietly in charge of myself to show the other person that I am
very much in charge and that I am not allowing the other to put me down or to feel bad.
My motto is "I have really thick skin and what you say bounces off of me." Meanwhile 1
am thinking within myself whether I want to answer this person or not. I am not going to
give them the advantage of putting me down or upsetting me. I remain in control of
myself and then I decide how I want to feel about what they have said. I will not try just
yet to try to protect myself and 1 will within myself renew my belief
that I am in charge of me and not the other person. The other person cannot dictate to me
how 1 am supposed to feel. I will stay always in charge of me.
This demands an effort on my part but it is a way of showing my strength quietly and
exerting my power to be in charge of myself. Remember the times you may have been
angry and shouted at me - still remained quiet and spoke only as 1 wanted to, choosing
my words carefully, still being in charge of me. Let me know what you think of this.
Fr. Hank
10.04.2008
Time: 10.11 am
Sub: The word
Dear Sundar,
it is important not to be upset by the words which people use or say to you. I will give
you something from a book which some one gave me.
The word is not just a sound or a written symbol. The word is a force; it is the power you
have to express and communicate, to think, and thereby to create the events in your life.
You can speak. Which other animal on the planet can speak? Many would say that the
word is the most powerful tool you have as a human; it is the tool of magic. But like a
sword with two edges your word can create the most beautiful dream, or your word can
destroy everything around you. One edge is the misuse of the words which creates a
225
living hell. The other edge is the impeccability of the word, which will only create
beauty, love and heaven on earth.
Some times what is said to us can enter our mind and change our whole belief about
something - maybe for a good purpose, maybe for a bad purpose. You may believe you
are stup.d and have believed this for a long time. This is something you have agreed with
me at times. You may do something and think to yourself, "I wish I were smart but I
must be stupid or I wouldn't have done that.". But one day someone may be attentive to
you and hears you saying you are stupid. But then the person says to you "But you are not
stupid . And he gives you some reasons to show you are not stupid. You believe what the
persons says and you make a new agreement with yourself. As a result you no longer feel
or act stupid.
5
You change your belief.
Beliefs are very strong - they can make or break us. Love, Fr. Hank
30.04.2008 Time: 9.43 am
Subject : All the Best
Dear Sundar,
Ii apologize
apoiogjze - Ii said that I would send you an email yesterday, but didn’t - so today 1 write.
May all be well with you and for you. May you be at ease, assured of yourself and
realizing all that you can do today. Keep that trust in yourself, the trust that you can
handle whatever comes in your path today.
Yes, self-acceptance gives me the base within myself that enables me to find myself
secure and alive to be able to form my life, to choose the thoughts and words and actions
that will give me the confidence to become the person whom I want to become, to
become the person that some way 1 dream of becoming on my own even though other
people may not have the same confidence. But I can become as I want myself to become.
let other people be as they are, I can go along on my own, looking after myself, feeling
confident in myself.
6
I realize that I am in charge of my self so I can choose who I will be. I am glad that you
are you and glad to know you. Fr. Hank
05.05.2008
Time 21.13 pm Sub: May all be well
Dear Sundar,
May all be well - keep your thinking clear, and your feelings cool and be ever ready to
go with what appears to be the best solution, the solution that is most likely to give you
strength and peace. And we have to go through this same manner of being aware and of
226
keeping alert, open to the other person 1 am talking with, or the other people around me.
How do I keep my thinking clear? By remaining calm and giving myself time to reflect
within myself as 1 remember what I wanted from the other person at this time - and then
1 need to make sure the other person is aware of my asking him or her for what I am
wanting.
So keep your self open even though you feel nothing seems to be going right for you. In
some time the positive outlook will come back to you.
1 am sorry that 1 have not sent you any email for many days. May all be well for you.
Love, Fr. Hank
07.05.2008
Time: 10.03 am
Sub: Reflecting
Dear Sundar,
Thanks for your email - you are going along well - especially learning accounts. The
more you concentrate on learning as much as you can about accounting and business
procedures for accounting and auditing, the more confidence you will have within
yourself and the more people will recognize you for your knowledge, f hat is where 1
would like you to reach - that you will have a knowledge that other people will recognize
and will accept you for that knowledge - you will be respected as a talented person.
And stay with your plan, and avoid eating out if possible - or only have little food when
you take something outside.
You are doing well - continue. Love, Fr. Hank
08.05.08
Time : 21.08 pm Sub: May all be well
Dear Sundar,
All the best to you - I have been thinking about you after you phoned me this morning. 1
do not know very much about investments as I have not had any investments in my life
and never had any money that I could invest. 1 do know that people invest their money so
that they make the money they do have earn more money for them. That is the reason the
very rich people become richer - as they earn money using the money that they already
have. The story is often told of the old man who buried in the ground the money that he
had hoping it would grow - but when he dug it up he found that the amount was the same
as he had previously buried.
In order to invest money a person must have some extra money and then must be aware
of what banks or securities or bonds or stocks will earn the most money from his original
investment.
227
I spoke with Marlene this morning on the phone and she asked me to speak to you about
Masteredegree^'"8
0011686 C0UrSeS
Wi" now j°in another college for her
All the best, Fr. Hank
09.07.08
Time: 15.09 pm
Sub: Awareness
Dear Sundar,
Thanks for your phone call this morning - I appreciate your telling how you are doing
what are your thoughts. You are doing well and I realize that each day has some different
atmosphere often for you. 1 believe that during the sleep we have each night, many
different thoughts or memories may come up in your mind without waking us up or our
being aware of them, but they register with us just the same.. And if these thoughts
contain some negative content then this will influence us, even though we do not wake
up or do not remember having the thoughts consciously in our mind. Because of this
when we wake up and gradually become aware of ourselves during the morning we may
slip mto some negative feelings without being fully aware of the reasons we are feelings
as we are feeling. And something may cause us to experience some negativity some
negatlve feellng and this may cause us to become a little depressed or as they say "a little
off color , or not my usual bright self.
Then I have to again take charge of my self, take control of my thoughts and feelings get back my confidence in myself, renew my positive description of my self, remember
my positive or good qualities, remember people who accept me and are happy with me. I
give myself positive strokes, try and discover what good actions I have to do today take
charge of my thought - be positive towards my self. I look ahead to what good and
rewarding experiences I might have during the new day. Believe in my goodness and
strength to be me, the person I want myself to be. Not allowing myself to be in any
manner depressed.
y
Keep building a firm, clear cut, assured, beneficial, convinced, hopeful, progressive,
secure personality each day. All is possible for you’ 1 am with you, supporting you
always.
Love, Fr. Hank
13.07.08
Time: 12.18 pm Sub: Awareness
Dear Sundar,
228
towards you, especially your uncle, since much of your important interactions are with
him. It is good that you are realizing that very often he is negative and critical. You have
to rely very much on your patience and strength. Someday we will have to sit down
together with him and discover a smooth method of communication between him and you
so that the discussions can be more easy and with less negative feelings.
All the best. Fr. Hank
20.07.08
Time: 15.29 pm Sub: All the Best to you
Dear Sundar,
1 am sorry 1 could not send this to you until now - but our electricity has been very on and
off in the past few days. I liked talking with you yesterday about how each of us in his
own way finds the strength and confidence in himself to develop his own acceptance of
self and belief in self.
Each of us is "OK" only because we have the confidence in our belief in ourself that "1
am OK" and no one can take that belief away from us.
When I take the time to think about my self, I know that I accept the experience of being
me - my awareness of self and the person who I am. 1 do not look at or think of or refer
to what 1 can do or the talents or training or education I may or may not have. All of
those things are something 1 HAVE - those things do not make me BE ME. I am ME and
I am OK just because 1 am alive and aware of my SELF. So I can be happy just being
MYSELF.
Sure I can study and DO many things but those things do not make me: OK. I am OK
that OKNESS away from me no
because 1 am ME. That is enough. No one can take
t
matter what they say or do to me.
All the best, Fr. Hank
22.07.08
Time: 21.54 pm
Sub: Hello
Dear Sundar,
This is just a few words - it is now almost ten o'clock at night and time that I began to
close up my shop here. 1 realize I have not sent you a message today and now I also
realize that I cannot go to bed without sending you a message.
May all be well with you. I hope that you have had a good day and that you have felt
strong and proud of yourself. I also hope that the day has been profitable for you - that
you have been able to accomplish what you wished to accomplish during the day. And
229
may you be able to accomplish all that you plan to accomplish tomorrow. Keep trusting
that you can accomplish what you wish to accomplish.
&
v“ "S?™ have dOne
in the pas, months and s„ eongratulate yourself.
You will---do-----much1 more in the future. All the best to you - Fr. Hank congratulate yourself.
08.08.2008 Time : 19.06 pm
Sub: Will speak
Dear Sundar,
I am sorry for the trouble that you had this afternoon - I will speak about it in the staff
meeting on Monday and they have to realize their responsibility to receive all calls in a
polite manner and carry out the caller's wishes. Yes, I can understand that you spend
Zphone
ere
y°U
t0 reCeiVC the COrnm°n C°UrteSy that is riSht every ime
t was good speaking with you on the phone. Yes, there are few people who will take the
ime to listen and understand what the other person is trying to put across. I believe it is
necessary at all times to listen and take the time to understand the other person and not
just say anything that may come in their own mind. Without proper understanding
nothing can be the done towards the progress that must be made in relationships.
May all be well. Love, Fr. Hank
10.08.2008
Time : 15.20 pm
Sub: Hello
Dear Sundar,
1 have been ‘h’nking °f you and what to write to you. I liked that you called me and told
me that you had understood what we had talked about before this. Right now you called
me an 1 understand how much you feel as people cut you off and dt not Zend yoj
and talk with you as you would want them to. I realize that you do not feel appreciated
but you are OK no matter what others may be thinking about you - you cannot allow
them to take away the confidence that you have within yourself. I want to support you as
much as I can. Neither of us can control the manner in which people think about us.
h^eVeen Z
y°U[is more than many PC0Ple could not have done. You
have been through very much m your life. I appreciate that very much and am happy to
ave you as someone close to me, someone I can trust and whom I know wants to have
free contact with me and will give me feedback about myself. I keep you in my mind and
enjoy contact with you. Love, Hank
Hy
y
a
230
17.08.2008
Time: 13.04 pm
Sub: Awareness
Dear Sundar,
I want to send you some lines, a short message, a few words, because of the chat we had
on the phone last evening. My message this morning would be - feel good to be the
person you are - be aware of yourself as a person - we all have an awareness of our
selves. But if we keep insisting too much on our difference with any other person we lose
the sense of awareness which gives me my awareness of my self and my trust in being
the person who 1 am, myself.
' : man whose book 1 have read most and think about most - Ken Wilber My guru - the
writes as follows - "...the separate-self sense, is an affective one. 1 hat is, it is propped up
not just with concepts (with thoughts about myself) but by the emotions (that is, my
feelings).
And the primal emotion (first and main feeling) of the ego, according to the teaching is
fear followed by resentment. As the Upanishads put it, "Whenever there is other, there is
fear."
In other words, when we split seamless awareness into a subject versus and object, me
versus someone else, 1 against the other person, me not agreeing with someone...then that
self feels fear, and the reason is simple and can be understood -because there are now so
many "others", so many other persons in front of me, some many persons in my way, so
many "others" out in front of me, so many 1 have to deal with who can harm my sense of
my self, my acceptance of my self, my belief in what is good for my self.
Out of this fear grows resentment.
We can discuss this more as we go. Fr. 1 lank
Time : 11.54 am
26.08.08
Sub: Hello
Dear Sundar,
All the best to you. I should have written this some days ago but have been occupied very
much with various items here. What you have done is a tremendous move in your way of
handling yourself, your inner self, your attitudes and your feelings. You have moved
within your very being in a marvelous manner. What have you done? 1 believe that you
have established a meaningful and profitable bond with your father. That is what 1 want
all kids to be able to do - to establish bonds with others as they live their lives and
become more relaxed and more relaxed, more sure and more awake in living their lives,
231
S™.and ab,e 10 ,hink “d reaso"
I will always congratulate you. Because of how you can
think concerning your life and
what you want, I appreciate and enjoy our relationship.
Fr. Hank
31.08.08
Time : 16.53 pm Sub: Questions
Dear Sundar,
In a way what we discussed yesterday and what we
discussed today can be considered
quite similar. We seem to be talking about how we
• can take part in a discussion or
manage to get into a discussion when we feel that we iare being left out - as you felt this
afternoon when your uncle seems to have decided to make the changes and’did not bring
you into the d.scussion. In order to get into any discussion that is already started - or even
subStthTt Ch :
t0
Very S°ft SUggesting that 1 have something to say on the
bject that is being discussed and decided. If it is too late or seems to be already decided
are t d? tS adb°Ut
Can be done ' h°W can be my views’ how 1 want tosay - be
accepted. That depends and is different in every discussion. That is a problem Each
situation will be different and I have to be careful so that what I want to say or want to
d will be accepted. This is long and complicated - and so is getting into a discussion
when I want to discuss something seems already decided.
All the best to you - Fr. Hank
03.09.08
Time: 20.38 pm Sub: Fear
Dear Sundar,
It is important that you don't become worried whenever there i
-- ----- is any fear coming into
your feelings. Remember that the fear is only a feeling. Fear is not a decision and
decisions are not based on fear - no decisions are
re made because of fear. First of all I have
to come to the middle, to the place where there is no fear, then I can take a decision.
I may come to cross a busy street - then I begin to feel fear about crossing. So I
realize
my fear.
1 can do any of three things —
I can say "I am afraid, so if I run quickly across it will be best, then I’ll be on the other
side.” But that is a very wrong thing to do as I may be hit by a car as I rush across.
I can say "I will wait till my fear goes, then I will go? But then I may have to remain a
232
long time before my fear goes so I may never be able to get across the street.
II can
can say
say "1 will think about my options, may be there may be a way to get to my
destination without crossing this busy street." This sounds like a good choice.
We'll talk more about this - it is an important point. We must always give time to
thinking.
All the best. Fr. I lank
Time: 10.53 am
13.09.08
Sub: Being with others
Dear Sundar,
I am sorry that I haven't sent this email to you before this - I have been very busy these
past few days. 1 have had to meet with four different families that are wanting to admit
their daughters into ASV and also explain to staff all that took place in Chandigarh and
Delhi. In Chandigarh we released the 20-minute DVD on Athma Shakti. On Monday
when the office staff is here I will send you a copy. I will ask you to send me Rs. 500/some time to cover the costs of making this DVD. It is well made and will be entered in
film festivals. The man who made the film has already won an award from WHO for a
previous film he made.
About being with others - or talking with others - or understanding the other person, it is
best to remain at ease and open as the other person is talking and at the same time be
aware of my feelings and reactions but also to stay cool and open to what the other is
saying. Then when he or she finishes I will respond calmly and moderately and in an easy
tone of voice so that the other will be open to listen to what I am saying. I will not try to
push what I want to say but speak about my reasons for saying what 1 am saying. Then 1
wait for the reaction of the other person, listening to his explanation.
1 need to let this be for now but will add something more tomorrow.
All the best to you, Fr. Hank
16.09.08
Time: 10.39 am
Sub: Dialogue
Dear Sundar,
1 am sorry 1 did not send this to you last night. I have been very busy these past days.
What I am speaking about concerns how we speak together - dialoguc-of converse
together. When talking with another person 1 need to be aware of the fact of my own self
interest - that is - what 1 believe 1 want to gain from this conversation as 1 speak with the
other person. If I am aware of my own interest I will speak about what are my wishes and
233
the reasons that 1 have for speaking as 1I do
' about
'
this subject. I must realize that the other
person also has an interest of his own as he speaks with me. I need to listen ; '
"
as he speaks
I will k Same
C bC aW!re °f What iS my feeling and thinking ab0llt what he is'savin?
he
myS.e'fk°pen and free as 1
I listen and at the same time think about whS
saying and the reasons he is giving for what he is saying. Then I will give him my
answer. My answer as I say quietly what I feel about what he is saying I will Z
open knowing that I have a right to speak back to stay open in my thinking - and will
keep a quiet normal tone of voice as I give my reasons for the way I am thinking and
hat my position is. If I wish I can differ with the other person and quietly give my
reason for why I think differently. Within myself I try to keep understanding the other
person because then it will be easier for me to explain my reasons for the way fspeak as I
This is long but it may be of help to you. Keep asking
29.09.08
me to be clear. Thanks, Fr. Hank
Time: 21.21 pm
Sub: May all be well
Dear Sundar,
better than I could have hoped. It says much about ASV and in a very clear and bright
way_ n my talk to the parents who had come to our meeting yesterday I told them that
the film gave a good idea of the spirit of ASV and what we do here. But it also does
much to portray the other activities taking place in ASV and are also so very important
in the treatment given in ASV. We do not mention being in the corner in the film Nor do
we mention how a person has to "deal" with the community when he or she has done
something that is not appropriate for the community. Nor do we mention how much time
is spent sorting out disagreements. So many various items that are necessary if the
community is to work out successfully.
May all go well for you. I appreciate your openness and sharing. Love, Fr. Hank
09.10.2008
Time : 21.52 pm
Sub: With you
Dear Sundar
thank you very much for your hospitality yesterday - the discussions, your taking me to
lunch, dropping me to the airport. I enjoyed the time with you. I am sorry that you
became somewhat upset from the manner in which your uncle spoke to you. or what he
234
said to you. When 1 am speaking with someone, discussing with a person about any
matter, 1 need to remain steady within myself, not becoming upset or being depressed or
becoming upset because of the words that he uses, or the tone of his voice, or the subject
he is talking about. If I remain cool, then I can give an answer to him in a way that will
cause him to reflect - I will remain cool, steady, not showing any change of feeling,
remaining quietly in charge of myself.
Maybe you may remember that when you were here and you would become upset with
me and were angry at me, 1 used to stay calm and let you speak as I remain calm and
steady within myself. I realized at that time that it is not helpful if I were to shout back in
an angry manner - from that way of proceeding we both would have ended up getting
nowhere towards a solution.. In order for some solution to be found in a discussion we
have to remain cool and steady. Only then can we think, that is, be aware of what is the
goal of our discussion. When a person becomes angry at me in a discussion, I realize that
it will be impossible for me to have him think and change his way of thinking and come
to some agreement with me.
You have seen people arguing on the street and never coming to any solution. Because of
their anger they will not listen to each other. One of them has to be fairly quiet and
possessed and then the other may pay attention and slowly change his manner of
speaking.
1 remain without being angry. It is a special skill that all people need to learn, even very
few people can do it when they are under any worry or pressure.
May all be well with you - Fr. Hank
19.10.2008
Time : 13.39 pm
Sub: Handling interactions
Dear Sundar,
1 call what I will try to make more clear in this email - handling interactions. By handling
I mean being able to keep a conversation, or any communication that I am having with
another person going on until both of us are more or less satisfied with the interaction and
feel all right in closing off the conversation - and feeling at ease and good enough, even if
I am not fully satisfied with the conversation - meaning 1 feel positive enough about our
conversation, quite satisfied that I understand what the other person was telling and his
feelings as he spoke - so both of us have expressed what we want to say and have come
to some agreement. We can both feel that we have reached a point of mutual
understanding.
For this to happen both of us need to be ready to be aware of the feelings that I and he are
experiencing while we are having this interaction. We need to both be aware of our
feelings and the reasons why we are feeling as we are feeling. This is most important,
otherwise we will not be able to discuss openly, for if one is angry and does not realize
235
must realize the fee mgs I am experiencing and find some way of expressing myself
quietly in order to make him understand that I really do not agree with him, and slowly
let him know that I do not agree with him. And then I ask him if we can quietly discuss in
order to help both of us, so we keep our understanding or open communication between
I will send you more tonight or tomorrow. All the best, Fr. Hank
21.10.08
Time 21.20 pm
Sub: All the best
Dear Sundar,
It is very late so I may not be long in writing as it is late and I have been busy all day
meeting with various people. Indira came in today and also Atul's father as we are having
a meeting to go over a report that I have made up on ASV.
What I would like to say to you this evening concerning our interactions with people is
that we have to able to stay quite alert as we stay working with persons who are involved
in the same work as we are doing and so we have to interact with them quite often and
have to come to some understanding and acceptance of each other in order for the work
between us to go through smoothly. I myself must be steady and sure of myself within
myself - if I am too nervous or afraid that the other person will be negative and not
acceptmg of me then I will be nervous and usually have some ill feelings towards the
fellow. These feelings I must brush aside and trust in myself that I am all right and a good
person not allowing myself to become upset from the fact that we do not fully agree with
each other If I am quietly working with him, not letting my fear of him, or my interest
decline or feel bad towards him, then things may go on fairly well. I will remain open,
sure of myself trusting myself, not being upset from any gestures or remarks he might
make. Tbs will take great patience but it will gradually work as he will pick up my
smooth feelings and probably be quiet and keep supporting me quietly.
This working together takes patience and a quiet strength of being quietly believing in my
okayness
Love, Fr. Hank
236
31.10.08
Time: 15.21 pm
Sub: Sorry for the delay
Dear Sundar,
I beg pardon that I have not sent this email earlier - so much has been going on with me
here. There have been many different matters coming up this week - and many demands
being made on me and my time. I hope that all is well with you and that you have been
all right during the trip to Nasik.
We were to talk about being able to carry on when people do not seem open or
responsive to the situation that I am trying to explain to them. 1 realize that they seem to
have rejected my position or seem to be putting me down by not answering my requests.
Then I have to be very strong within myself and not become upset - 1 must remain in
charge by reflecting on how I can find out more information or discover the reason the
person is speaking as they are speaking. Maybe I should just walk away without saying
that I am the one suffering by the manner in which they are speaking. I must always
remain the boss of me and how 1 am going to react or feel. No one can take that power to
be me away from me, no matter what they might say.
I look forward to your being here with us. Love, Hank
29.11.2008
Time: 21.15 pm
Dear Sundar,
Thanks for your phone calls which you made to me today. 1 was glad to receive them,
And I liked the way in which you were talking about having positive thoughts and
negative thoughts that lead youi to take decisions which have positive or negative
relationships with people or which cause you to feel upset and negative or feel good and
active and relaxed. I myself usually talk about attitudes.An "attitude is defined in the
dictionary as a way of regarding life, the world around me in which I live or the events
or happenings that happen. With the attitudes we have, we make ourself realize and be
aware of how we feel in any situation or with any people we have to live with or have
anything to do with.
We have attachments to people whom we meet or with whom we have work oi business
with. We form these attachments because we want them. For they help us not to be
insecure. So we have attitudes towards these people - some positive attitudes making us
feel good or negative attitudes making us to feel not good. Then the thoughts spring from
these or come forth from these attitudes into our thinking and next we may make our
decisions about the person or work or anything else.
I’ll need to explain this more so it is easy to understand. The main aim is to have control
over the positive and negative thoughts.
237
All the best to you. Fr. Hank
01.12.2008
Time: 21.18 pm Sub: Doing well
Dear Sundar,
Yes, believe that you are doing well. I admire your resilience in that you can shift your
energy when you let yourself take some time and reflect on what you have thought or
said or did And as you do this, you become aware of the attitudes that you are coming
from and then you have the courage to shift your thinking and then shift your feelings as
you may wish to fit the situation. This is acting in a really mature manner and makes me
realize that you are developing very strong cognitive skills. A cognitive skill is a way of
being aware and knowing my self and how I am thinking and how I understand that my
thinking is settled and appropriate. With this skill you can take your place in social
si uations, that is, in situations where it is necessary that you have to live and meet and
talk and take action with other people. Resilience means that you have the ability to be
exible, adaptable, adjusting when necessary to the present situation.
You are doing well. Love, Hank
26.12.08
Time : 14.27 pm
Sub: Understanding
Dear Sundar,
I apologize for not sending this before. I have been occupied here yesterday and this
morning, will try to explain what I was talking about over the phone. The main point 1
wished to point out is that I can differ with what someone is saying to me and yet stay
cool, thinking and aware of the differences between the way we both think. I can keep
what I am thinking about the differences in our attitudes and thoughts yet still remain
open to the other person. When I want the others person to be aware of the differences
between us, I have to keep aware of my feelings and not to allow the feelings cause us to
be set aPart from each other. Only then can we come to realize that we are understanding
each other but from different points of view, with different feelings and attitudes.
I will continue this evening or tomorrow.
May all be well with you throughout the coming 2009. Love - Fr. Hank
238
04.01.09
Time: 14.14 pm
Sub: Greetings
Dear Sundar,
All the best to you for the year which is just beginning - may it be a special, really new
year, for you. May you be able to experience a new strength in your ability to understand
the many different interactions that you will be having with people throughout this year.
The interactions that we have with people are usually different most of the time - we have
the connections with others for various reasons. And these interactions are usually
different from each other, and with different people with whom we are connecting for
various reasons we need to be ready and open to understand what they are tiying to
convey to us by talking with us, or trying to give us information or inform us about
something, we need to be open and aware of the purpose of the interaction that we are
having. So I have stay open and aware of the purpose of the interaction. If they want
information, I give them the information. If they are giving me information I stay open
and consider what they are saying to me.
At the same time in all cases 1 have to be aware or conscious of my reactions to what they
are saying to me. I need to consider my reactions and judge whether they are appropriate
reactions or not. My reactions need to fit into the conversation in order to keep the back
and forth of the conversation flowing as we talk. Only then can 1 be sure that 1 am
responding in a way that the other person can understand me so he can explain to me or
support me or help me or share with me more of what he wishes to say to me and then it
will be more easy for me to ask questions and tell the person what I do not understand or
what I hear them say to me.
This is all very complicated but is the necessary way that interactions must move back
and forth between two people.
Within myself I have to stay open, listen carefully, and no react in any negative manner
until I am sure of the reason the person is speaking in the manner in which they are
speaking to me.
All the best to you, Fr. I lank
17.02.2009
Time: 16.42 pm
Sub: Being Strong and Free
Dear Sundar,
Thanks for your phone call this morning. There is one important reaction that we need to
be able and free to use at any time when we are with someone who challenges me or is in
any way using words I do not agree with or negative words. I need to "keep my cool".
Keeping my cool means 1 do not answer back or retaliate or show my self angry
immediately. I say something that comes from our awareness that I need to quietly and
slowly let the person realize that 1 do not agree with them but not by saying clearly "I do
not agree." If 1 say "I do not agree" immediately or "I do not like what you said" the other
may be upset and angry right away. I need to think and get the feel of what level of anger
239
or how this person may be trying to bully me or push me down. So in some manner I
keep away from starting some sort of strong argument.
I reflect and try and decide what are the possibilities I have to avoid the bad feelings
charge8 oTthe^tJat
7 d'StUrbed
Other PerS°n- ’ remain
SOme manner
chaige of the situation, not just reacting to the other person's nasty words or statements I
do not allow the other person to push me down or make me into the bad person ikeep
my confidence and decide within myself how to avoid a bigger difference of fight.
What 1 am doing by this method is taking care
of myself, keeping myself OK.
All the best, Fr. Hank
28.03.2009
Time: 12.00 pm
Sub: All the Best
Dear Sundar,
st must apologize, as you have requested me to send you an email yesterday
°wever, there was a problem with my computer here - one plug had come out of the
ocket. And when 1 had it fixed this morning there were various mails I had to read and
oVI IU.
Thanks for speakmg with me after you returned home. Your trip was really a great
voTw^re
7'
C7yed haV'ng y0U here W'th me' ' gUeSS il was the manner in w^'ch
you were so c ear and attentive as we went through the various papers that had been sent
You are openly aware of the various thoughts and ideas that need to be examined and
and meatinS, ?Ur
°,f y°^self and the ability to speak in a responsible
and meaningful manner shows clearly that you have been able to function in a manner
that brings you into the right contact with the people you are mixing with or talking with
Keep growing in th
at understanding - reflecting (going
•
. . . your mind what
& the•
that
over within
other person is «saying and how you will respond to that person) - taking care to ask the
right questions of
" the
t-e other
ether person in a cool, calm voice so that then problems can be
solved.
Yes, 1 am very happy that you have come this time. My door is always open to you. May
all be well with you. Love, Dad
03.04.09
Time: 21.12 pm
Sub: Problem
Dear Sundar,
hen there is a problem - I believe the person must always go first to the reception who
usuaHy responsible for the scheduling of the time for the session. So if there is a mixup then have to keep my cool, not become immediately angry but report to the
receptmmst who .s the one then in charge - I give her the d^fflculty and expect her to
240
solve it for me. There is no use becoming angry. I can tell the receptionist that 1 am not
happy with the arrangement that has not been made and tell her of my discomfort. If the
receptionist does not listen to me then 1 decide to speak again more strongly explaining
my point.
It is the organization that probably made the mistake and you can tell them of youi
displeasure that they have not scheduled you at a better time or for a course that suits you.
Mix ups can always happen but the level of my upset will depend on the seriousness ol
the course or the amount of discomfort given to me by the mistake.
Good luck to you in the course - 1 hope that they become more efficient in their
organizing.
All the best, Dad
04.04.2009
Time : 18.11 pm
Sub: All the Best
Dear Sundar,
Thanks for your phone call this morning. I hope that 1 can write something that will be of
help to you. I guess one thing all of us need to remember when we are speaking about
interactions between us. We interact with one another for many reasons. We may want to
exchange information, for example, 1 want to tell you which team won the cricket match,
or that 1 have taken up a new job. Or on the bus I may want to know if the bus stops at a
certain place.
When you came for the course you needed to know about the class and when the teacher
would be speaking with you. Because this was not clear you were dissatisfied and your
reaction was OK and valid. So you had to go to the receptionist to find out. You were
looking for the correct information.
You did well because you kept your cool even if you felt in some manner upset and
disappointed when you found out that something was not right. You experienced
discomfort - you comfort was gone, vanished and so you had to worry which no one likes
to do.
You needed an explanation and calmly asked for an explanation, something you always
have a right to. And you did not show your anger or become upset - you kept your cool
and asked for an explanation. You wanted people to understand your difficulty. We
always want the other person to understand just what we are wanting, we want them to
give us an explanation. We want to be satisfied within our mind that we are being
recognized and being shown good service. We want to feel satisfied and this is our right.
Whenever we are paying for a service we want to be satisfied. In your case, in the office
in Nasik you want to be recognized and you want everything to be explained to you - so
that you can understand and feel satisfied.
241
All the best to you - Dad
30.04.2009
Time: 11.49 am
Sub: Sorry for the delay
Dear Sundar,
doing
you
seem to pay attention to your interactions with your uncle and keep open as is necessary.
And so you are building your confidence. What is "confidence"? I believe it is a decision
that you take about yourself when you decide that you have a proper view of the
correctness of your thoughts and attitudes and feelings. By "correctness" I mean that what
you are deciding and feeling is appropriate in the present situation, and would be
accepted as correct and helpful by most people.
The
feeling sure and capable of being able to be with others
I uc feeling
idling of
or confidence
coniiaence is
is like
like feeling
and'n^ OtnerS ' belnS SUre that y°U Can Speak in a manner that others
understand you and will agree with you since you understand them also.
When you feel confident you will fill a strength to be you.
All the best, Fr. Hank
30.04.2010
Time: 16.46 pm
Sub: Reg. I have not understood this paragraph
can go^ahng smoiydoinVwChe"
£
Dear Sundar,
done. He believes he can accomplish or finish what he is setting out to do.
He is confident when he is almost certain that he
can do it. A batsman believes he can
make a good score and this means he is confident. The confident person feels
...3 sure that
he can do what he has to do.
You become confident when you do the same action correctly again and again A
confident person will do well in his job because he knows all that has t! done. Fr. Hank A
03.06.2009
Time: 21.24 pm
Sub: Staying Calm
Dear Sundar,
242
1 would say that both you and your uncle need to remain calm when you tend to think and
say a remark or a sentence that is an attempt to overpower the other person quickly and
sternly by the words or the expressions that you say or shout.
Once you shout or raise your voice, you have "lost it" as we say - the smooth thread of
the speaking together is cut and so there is no longer any openness for quiet listening to
the reasons the other person is saying in the talking together.
It is best that you both stop for "time out", and quietly reflect on the purpose of quietly
talking together.
Remember you are both worth much to each other and you really desire to deepen your
relationship for you depend on each other now to find meaning in your lives.
The greatest built-in gift we have as persons is our ’’consciousness". Our consciousness
has a built-in intentionality for our good and our life. We are made to be live together
and be friends - always being conscious of the other - we need each other. We must ask
ourselves - what is my intention? It is to be together and understand each other and help
each other. But it takes an exceptional amount of calm energy and exertion within our
selves -- staying cool - and actively controlling my thinking and reactions that are present
in my consciousness.
I have to stay aware in my consciousness and not blast off or shout, for then I lose my
conscious awareness of myself and nothing will be gained if I do not stop and slow down.
This may seem complicated but it is always a question of awareness of what is going on
in my consciousness. All the best to both of you, Fr. Hank
09.06.2009 time: 10.32 am
Sub: Belief
Dear Sundar,
On many days as I begin to organize my thoughts and feelings for the day, I will
experience often different sorts of feelings, and various ideas or thoughts will not come
to my mind.
Some days 1 feel quite enthusiastic, feeling good to be me and also feeling ready to do
whatever I can to discover some of seeing how I can cover the most necessary letters or
requests or phone calls that come into me and require me to pay attention to and do
something about.
Some days go well, some do not go so well. Some days, all is smooth. Other days there
are difficulties and questions and difficulties arising.
Some of the difficulties can be resolved in a fairly easy manner and so 1 feel quite
positive and content that all seems to be going well.
243
Yel ™ some days there are complications (hat come up. difficulties come in rhe wav of
smoothly getting something organized or some problems solved.
Y
Then 1 begin some times to wonder - is it all worth it? why doesn't life work smoothly?
1 Pr°blemS In dealing with some Persons
difficulties?56
up? why are there
I know that I cannot quit - I have to go on - [ have to find solutions even though
a
solution doesn't come easily.
So I carry on - I keep going - I believe that I can come thorough the difficulties - but 1
have to be determined -1 have to be firm to go on -1 have to push myself ahead.
And if I continue usually some sort of solution will come. It
comes from my
determination to try all the methods possible.
All the best - Fr. Flank
15.06.09
Time: 17.03 pm
Sub: Control
Dear Sundar,
word, that it limits a perTonahaHtZs^sX^
wUtliey
d„P emen °n "" S,reet C0"'r°' P“pfe "d
my interaScfifonWwkh
th"" “
pre^rn'ornem becaZeof
us are interested in. I am responsibleX^omrolmTXlini^
when talking the reasons I put forward when talking. And also I must give time for the
other to speak, listen carefully, and only after listening to reply. No interrupting.
All during the discussion the two of us are having I need to keep my voice in a steady
w speech tone and volume - even if I become upset or angry or if I seem to be upset or
angry or afraid at the manner in which the other person may have spoken to meir the
matter they may have spoken to me about as they spoke to me
'L'dlSagree °r anJ UpSet 3t What the other Person is say'ng’ then I can answer in a quiet
easy manner explaining my discomfort at what the person is saying or how they are
mv XOt'd^™
rTnlvi O ?
Th ' r “ ,he PerS” °f
dis^"S
.nd
dlsagree|ng- And then 1 wait openly for whatever the other persons is
tdl the f i ?
r speaks Sharply Or in an aSSress’ve way then I wait quietly
voice m
^i
8'Ve my reaS°nS f°r differing with the Pers°n. keeping my
voice in the middle-not loud or harsh-but clear and steady.
Y
244
The important aspect in all this is for each of the persons to remain cool. Then they
discuss what they both give as reasons and stay open as they do it so that they can come
as possible.
to some conclusion or agreement that will satisfy both of them as much
i
There is no question of either person winning or losing - but of both leaving the
discussion with each person having a better appreciation of the other person - no matter
what they may have been talking about.
All the best to both of you. I wish you to have many good discussion between yourselves.
Fr. Hank - Dad
07.07.2009 Time: 16.28 pm
Sub: You are Ok
Dear Sundar,
I am sorry that you did have the problem that you have spoken to me about - the problem
that you had when seeking to speak with the member of the staff you mentioned. That did
not have to happen if there was more understanding and acceptance.
You wanted and expected to have a talk alone between the two of you. And that
expectation of yours I believe should have been recognized. When you asked for the time
to spend together, it should have been only the two of you together. Then it would have
been a good talk, something you wanted for yourself. Once there were a couple kids
called in then it was all right for you to feel as you did and leave.
Then you could have left it at that, not said anything and not asked to talk later. Then
there would have been no problem or bad feeling for you.
But somewhere within you, you wanted to be proved correct, or to try to make the other
person aware of how you felt about the kids being called in the first meeting. Within
yourself, you were quite angry but did not realize how angry you were. So you tried to
make the other person aware of your anger, So you tired to call on the phone again and
again. But that was causing you to be more and more frustrated.
That is why I said it would have been better for you to drop the whole matter, not trying
to call on the phone. Had you dropped it right away you could have felt free and relaxed,
not bothering about the other person, as you went on your way without being bothered by
the other person.
If ever I am insulted or badly spoken to by another person I can walk away because 1 am
deciding that I will feel as I want to feel - deciding to give up my anger because I will
feel free to feel as 1 wish to feel. I will say to myself - ’’Sticks and stones may break my
bones, but names will never hurt me.” Let the other person think what he wants about me
- I will decide how I want to feel - I will not allow you to spoil how I am feeling today
245
Say and do what you like towards me - I will look after myself.’’. ”1 will protect myself,
and stay happy being me.”
I hope this is all right - you can ask me any questions you want about this. Love, Dad
10.07.09
Time: 22.08
Sub: Being Free
Dear Sundar,
I will try to give you some idea on how our minds work, what we often say is our
conscious inner life - our awareness - or in some other words - ”"how
works or
how our mind works,
how our thinking works
And together withi our thinking we have our feelings.
The feelings that we are having, or experiencing, or aware of are usually the first
experiences we become aware of - we are feeling fear, or anger, or sadness, or happiness
- one of those feelings will be within us at any time. Which feeling arises from within me
is caused by the thought that I am having in my consciousness, or we might say my
conscious mind.
Once I am aware of the feeling I am having, then by thinking more about the thoughts
tha I am having in my awareness, I can - if I am strong and in charge of my mind and my
feelings - then I can - if I wish I can stop allowing the feeling to disturb me - that is not
allow the feeling to stay with me but decide to not allow the feeling to cause me to be
upset or more angry or more afraid.
When you had such a <strong feeling of anger against the person you kept the feeling
within your mind because
'
.._e you
also kept the memory of how you remembered she had
treated you against your wish.
If you were to drop the feeling and come to a quiet, peaceful mind then you had to stop
the feeling of anger and be calm and settled and at peace within your mind
It IS possible always if you love and care for yourself to stop and change any feeling you
have. You can always decide to feel less angry, or less fear or less sadness, and in the
place of any of those feel at peace or happy within yourself.
In this manner you are in charge of yourself and what you are ggoing to feel, although at
the beginning you may have felt angry or fear or sadness. YouJ can be free although it
may be very difficult some times when you feel very upset over something or at
someone.
towards the other person - and this will cause other people to reject me.
All the best to you,
246
14.07.09
Time: 17.13 pm
Sub: Awareness
Dear Sundar,
I will give you some of the thoughts that I think will be of help to you. In all of our living
we need to be conscious and aware so that we may be fully present in each moment of
our present living, especially when we are interacting with another person or other
persons.
’Being fully present’ is when we watch our mind as though it were a film projected on a
screen. We then become more aware of what is involved at the time or the moment in
which we are present. The life that 1 experience, that 1 feel, gives me the awareness that is
like a continuing TV serial ,an ongoing process within me concerning myself, my beliefs,
my attitudes, my thoughts, my feelings, my memories, my skills, my knowledge, my
desires, my habits.
So I am in a continuing process of following my becoming aware, of living my
experience of being me.
I can be aware and experience all of it as it passes within me. What passes may move one
to speak in a certain manner. It may move to decide to act in a certain manner - or go to a
movie, or go for some food in a shop, or to read a newspaper, or talk to a friend, or avoid
meeting some one 1 do not like. Each action follows from my thinking about the decision
of what I am going to do, what I am going to say, what will 1 feel, what will I not do,
what will I put off for some time, what will I purchase, who will 1 call on the phone, each
of these actions I can decide to do or not do.
But in order to decide I need to consider what will be the result, the outcome, the
situation that will happen if I decide in a certain way, it depends on my decision that I am
free to choose. But before I choose I must be aware of what will be the result of each of
my decisions. What will happen because of my decision to see the film, what will happen
because of my decision to have some special food, what will be my decision when 1
realize I have lost a big sum of money?
So 1 can keep in my mind at all times - what will be the good result if 1 do what 1 plan to
do? what will be the result if 1 don't do what I plan to do? Everything 1 do - be it not
speaking, be it speaking - having a meal, or not having a meal - criticizing my friend of
not criticizing my friend - shouting at the man who works with me, oi not shouting at the
man who works with me - remembering a person who has cheated me many years ago, or
not remembering the man who stole from me many years ago.
All of my life I have - and often every minute of my life - 1 have to be aware of what will
be the result of what I do, or say , or speak about, or praise or blame. So 1 need to think
ahead always and be aware ol what will be the result of my speaking, my action, or
movements.
247
So before I speak to anyone I need to be aware - is it all alright to say what I am thinking
of saying? will 1 be accepted by people if I say what I v.„„
‘
8
want to say. or will I be rejected by
people if I say what I might say? What will I gain? What
,
[ a person always wants to gain
from another------person 'is understanding, acceptance, and happiness. There is no life for
anyone if there is no acceptance, or understanding or happiness.
What will make me a happy man, liked and appreciated by others is my awareness that I
will always speak well of other persons - and if I do not want to speak well of another
person, then I wdl remain quiet so that I am not disturbed and other persons will accept
me and be happy with me.
K
People will always appreciate me if they are aware that I never speak in any bad manner
with other people.
This is very long - I am sorry - iand' may not be clear as I wanted it to be. But you are
always free to question me about it.
make itT more simple the next I write for you.
T !I ...J..
Love, Dad
08.09.2009
Time: 11.54 am
Sub: Being Aware
Dear Sundar,
Here are some of the attitudes and practices that you need to be aware and using if you
are wanting to be sharp" when you are talking with any other person. First and foremost
you need to stay very much aware of your feelings and the thoughts and attitudes. If a
person is aware of his feelings then he will be very much in control of his thoughts and
reactions to what is said to him by another person.
Remember I must always be aware of my feelings and thoughts when any person says
hZ b g ° T hSten t0 What he says and ' Pause and reflect - take a moment to
think about what the person has said to me. If I do not take the time to listen and
helnX5 m mW Th PTOn Sayi'n8 ' Wi" nOt be able t0 resP°nd in a “r that will be
helPtul to me This is how a person remains smart - they listen to the person stop and
think about what they have said and consider this in their thoughts and then quickly
decide how they want to respond to the person.
I do not just quickly answer back without thinking of my answer. When I stop and think
then I can reahze that there are different ways in which I can respond to what has been
the oerson'sn lkCS'T1 y "n being excited but
resP0"d in a good manner then
the person speaking to me will be more satisfied and will speak to me in a friendly way I
XneTin k1" 3 C0° ’
manner eV£n th°Ugh the °ther has not sPoken in a quiet
“ have
q"'" man"er' am ',ein8
and ,he Wher P™
248
My relations with other persons depend on my ability to remain settled and peaceful, no
matter what is said to me or whatever the other person may say.
I hope that this is helpful to you. It is necessary for a person to be always calm and open
to listen to the other person - then the other person will respect me and then be open to
listen to me and agree with me.
All the best to you - Dad
29.10.2009
Time : 11.03 am
Sub: How girls react
Dear Sundar,
First I apologize for not sending this to you before now - I remain always very busy here
these days. Anyway I will write what I can and then can add more later on.
—
Young girls are usually quite withdrawn and do not speak out quickly or strongly - they
seem to be hesitant - so you have to be quite cautious in how you first speak with them.
Keep a sort of quiet tone and be sure you follow what she says and try to understand her
feelings from the manner in which she speaks and the sort of firmness or non firmness in
the manner in which she speaks. She will want you to be reassuring to her - especially as
she does not know you and is not fully at ease with you, someone who she doesn't know
too well. If she begins to ask questions about yourself then you may believe that she is
interested in you, wants to know more about you and so you can be ready to tell her
quietly about yourself and if she continues to ask questions about yourself then you can
believe that she is somewhat interested in you and wants to know more about you. Note
the strength of her speech - whether it is firm of just light. Notice if she seems relaxed in
her face, smiling maybe, bright in the way she looks. How long does she pause between
sentences and words? If she keeps asking small questions feel good and answer her with
confidence that she really is interested in finding out about you. If you ask her questions,
do it quietly with light words, not strong, being very supportive of her, very acceptant - in
a way you can repeat to her whatever she says to you by saying it in a quiet supportive
manner. If she asks questions of you she is probably interested in you so answer her in a
way that she will keep asking questions about you.
1 will send something else later in the day. All the best - Dad
03.11.2009
Time: 15.32 pm
Sub: Being aware of people
Dear Sundar,
1 first apologize that 1 have not written to you as I said I would. 1 have been very busy
today - I had to spend time with two husband and wife teams who came at different times
seeking admission for their son and daughter.
249
Now let me tell you about the manner of deciding how you believe the meeting between
Hrst of
.W°ma" Whh()m -vou are wanti"g t0 Perhaps be friends with or even marry
First of all notice whether the girl is showing some sort of interest, like being a little
nervous and maybe a little hesitant to talk with you. You may sense that they are very
careful about how they are going to talk with you. "Hesitant" means that they seem to
ake some tmie to consider what they are going to say, they may not be speaking quickly
the™
fUSC| n are CarefU' ab°Ut’ h°W they Want yOU t0 understand them. If
themselves
y
°f givin8 y°U 3 WrOnS imPression about
li id 11 buIVCS.
If you can be relaxed in the manner in which you stand and talk, or sit and talk then she
also w.l tend to be relaxed if she is at ease. So you can use that as a sign - if she talks
easily, always quietly waiting for your answer. You can judge how relaxed she is by her
voice and how much she looks at you openly .All the best - Dad
25.11.2009 Time: 19.26 pm
Sub: Further
Dear Sundar,
This evening think of the feelings that may come up into my awareness when I am
walking along the street.
I may be enjoying walking quietly along, enjoying myself walking slowly along the
sidewalk. It may be crowded and I am bothered by the
' number
'
of people going along
with me. Since it is so crowded I may realize that II am not feeling at ease as I have to
shift around the many people on the sidewalk with me.
And some people are going
< * very fast and bumping into me and this disturbs i.._.
me. But [I
cannot do anything about it so II just
’
carry on walking as I can - I step aside as I can so I
carry
on
feelings
and so go on. The main thing is -I
■
. as
r I ..can. I just have to accept
• my -----o- --J
know the feelings
along
feel'ngS I* have
haVe and know
kn0W I1 cannot make a change because of the people going
So there are many times when I have to keep aware of the feelings I have and know that
it is a I nght. I decide not to be upset at the situation. This I do many times in my life
when decide that I cannot bring about any change in the situation I am in so I accept and
keep going along as I can.
H
So I can be aware at times of the feelings I have and yet cannot bring about a change in
the situation - so I do not become upset or bothered.
All the best -. Hank
250
••
28.11.09 Time: 11.23 am
Sub: Further
Dear Sundar,
This follows from our telephone conversation this morning. Always in life each person
has to define himself, that is, each person has an experience of his or her self. This
experience we are more or less aware of - some people are very aware and remember all
that has happened to them earlier in their life. Some of us have had a good experience in
being and becoming ourselves and so will feel strong and capable of judging whatever
comes to them in their living their lives. Other people have not been so lucky and have
had to face very difficult situations and problems, sometimes acceptance, sometimes nonacceptance from others.
If everything was perfect each person would be able to understand all that is taking place
in their interactions with other people - and would have had very supportive interactions
with others. But life in this world is not perfect. We have to live with negative reactions
from other people, we have to realize that sometimes we are facing rejection from other
persons. In a way life as it comes to us is very much not in our control. In some manner
we have to face living situations which present us with some negativity that we cannot
avoid. And then we feel we have no way of avoiding the negativity that is around us.
Then we lend to feel down, we are discouraged, not knowing how to get anything
positive in the present situation. We do not know all the causes which affect our lives.
We may think we are in control of them when this is not really so. The people we work
with may ignore us, may not speak with us in a friendly manner. We are not free to
change how people speak and act with us.
So we have to discover within our self the freedom to think and feel as we want to think
and feel. We remain the master of our inner world - of our own thoughts and feelings. So
we choose to think as we can, giving positive strokes to my self, not allowing the
negativity that is from other people to upset me. I appreciate my self. I have the right to
feel for my self - so to feel good no matter what is on the outside around me. I am in
charge of me.
Let me know what you think about this. Dad
07.12.2009
Time: 22.33 pm
Sub: Relationship
Dear Sundar,
•«
Please excuse my delay in sending this to you. As usual, I have been very busy today. I
will give you something on relationship, for the benefits in our life mainly come from our
relationships with other people, and also many times persons find that their anger comes
from their relationships, although it would seem difficult to believe that there can be
problems when members of the same family have great difficulties in forming or
expressing the relations that should be the backbone or strength of the family. But there is
251
something important to note here - that if the relationships between members of the same
family do not seem to work out it can result in a much more difficuh sTuatioJ (more
ngry situations and animosities between the members of the family) This can be when
some relalives, ae„,s or u„cles, of cousi„s . SMm be very disj" lX.iog of
other members of the family. At times those
who we think should be closest and most
understanding seem to become the most difficult persons to accept.
F irst, all ol us need to have relationships
- we cannot live alone and in the situation in
which we live together in a family we have an in
i built tendency and need to be together
and be supportive to each other. This support
neoessary for us ro fee, a. ease, for rhe shSg .ZhVToVetat^veM^
sharing brings into the realization that we are not alone and need the help and support of
will fed^rc the,fau'lyhAnd When the fami|y re,ations are smooth and helpful, fhen we
w II feel strong to be the persons we are. We feel comfort being who we are with the
others in the family, normally we would seek to help each other.
Then there are the relationships we form with persons not within our family - these can
often be stronger than our relations in the family.
Y
I'll write more about this in another email. All the best to you - love, Fr. Hank
08.12.09
Time: 20.38 pm
Sub: How do I face negative situations with people ?
Dear Sundar,
forairon'r?’^
I"1'’0'1"'!1 f°r US in 0L*r 'iveS- relationshiPs make life worth living
for all of us for it is when we have a relationship with another person that we feel well8
we have feelings of well-being. It is by our realizing that we have a relationship with
someone whom we feel happy with and content with, that we get the feeling of wellness
Being open with another person - trusting that the other person feels at ease with me and
s content to be w.th me and talk with me - this enables me to experience that the? want
eel close to us, or that they are relaxed and feeling positive with me. Then this gives a
quiet strong sense of our self - that we are wanted and can experience the positive
wanttTsh
8'mtUhS uaXatiOn
meaning- Then '
that 1 have something that I
X thh W J e>
PerS°n ’ ‘ find ' am relaxed and moved from withm myself to
alk with him or her - I get some sense from them that I am accepted by them. This gives
me confidence to continue my relationship with them. Through our conversation I often
find that there are feelings that we can easily share in our talk.
The different moods that we go through during the day spring from our relations with the
i erent people. If I feel relaxed and at ease with a person I will want to continue with
that person. If I find that person not talkative and withdrawn or talking in a negative
manner then 1 decide to stay away from that person - I will not be happy in their
company. We do need to feel at ease - then we will feel strong and able to discuss with
252
the other person. If the discussions goes well I will feel stronger within myself , more
ready to enjoy my life. After all - my happiness does come from the relationships that I1
have with people.
Relationships are like emotional vitamins that give me the strength to go through the
difficulties that come up as I live my life and go through the interactions that 1 have with
other persons. Basically it is best for me to live my life by being open and hoping that the
other persons will be positive to me - and if they are not open or speak roughly or sharply
to me and so seem closed off to me then I will not want to continue to be with them.
Many people go through their interactions with others with no interest in making a
connection with the other person - these are the people we call "loners" - they are just not
interested in sharing and being with others - they seem happy to live alone, being by
themselves practically all the time.
It is very difficult when we realize that the other person is in some way being critical or
judging of me, not open - then I just have to move on from that person - being with them
will not cause me to feel more at ease and happy to be me. If we do have a person or
persons who causes me to feel welcome and at ease then I need to recognize that person
and reach out to them in friendship. Friendships are made as I become positive with
another person and wish to spend more time with them - I become interested in them.
You can make new relationships as you appreciate that the other person seems to be
freely accepting you.
Good success in your relationships - Love - Dad
09.12.2009
Time: 20.30 pm Sub: How do I face negative situation with people ?
Dear Sundar,
Look at the question which you asked me before the last email 1 sent to you - your
question reads like this - how do I face negative situations with people?
If I sense that the situation is negative towards me, then I have to decide what is the cause
of this negativity and what can 1 do to get through to the other person or people in the
situation. Is it possible for me to make a change in the cause of the negativity? What can 1
do to break through the negativity? Which persons - or which one or two people - can I
begin to speak to in such a manner that 1 can speak to them in a smooth and friendly
manner?
Remember that anywhere - in an office or in a meeting place with other people - it is up
to me to break through in the talk with others - to make contact and speak with others. I
cannot expect the other person to come forth and speak with me - I have to begin
conversations - I have to want to interact with the other persons. And in order to do that I
need to believe that I will always feel happier when I have made positive contact with
another person - and all of us do need positive contact with one or two or a few other
253
persons - then we do feel happier and at ease. As
make contact
contact with
with other
other people
people II feel
As II make
feel
persons
vl oUI I ,
m°re a',Ve’ Remember "no man is an island" - he has to be with other
d
reXXp3 k H8 mth the J'dS 'n the community the other night about this. The help that they
Thnc an tiT
here i"1 ASV IS Called by the exPerts "Psychosocial rehabilitation"
N1MHANS lastW° kUS|n
f°Ur
that ‘ and Anando and Usha attended in
m1,ehHANSh
m°n h- The experts ’ from many countries i" the world - placed very
much emphasis on the word "social" which means being with people If social means
being with people then it is necessary to have very good skills in talking with people and
rntxmg wnh them, feelmg at ease with them, able to share, talk with lem, feelat’ease
VV I LI I Li I Cl 11.
When I am able to have a conversation with people - and become friendly with them -
as to make the effort and speak with others - enjoy being with others. Enjoy being with
others-that is the goal of life. Love, Dad
8
Tomorrow we are having a long staff meeting just on this topic for it is very important.
07.01.2010
Time: 17.34 pm
Sub: Being Strong
Dear Sundar,
reaCti.°nS t0 any COntact with another person or thinking about another person
or situation can be taken
care of in
------------..1 a satisfactory manner for us as long as we are of what
we are doing with our energy.
So our energy is the special operative word, for first of all
we are using our energy
whether we are feeling, thinking or believing - in whichever
manner we are reacting or
expressing ourselves to the other person. We express our energy according to the need of
acting. The need depends on the action we have to take in our
life at the present moment.
Can you be aware of the energy you are feeling at any time? What is this energy leading
you to think and tend to do?
I am sorry 1 have to leave it right now - I have had a bad day for visitors - one visit by 4
psychiatrists.
SkeenLa?
JUSt d,ed th,S afternoon and they were trying to get in touch with her they did and she phoned me - she was in Pune.
254
••
All the best - Dad
10.01.2010 Time: 17.12 pm
Sub: Ego states
Dear Sundar,
We used the ’’ego states” to refer to the three different energy awareness as that we can
have with ourselves at any time. One is the Child ego state which is concerned with my
feelings - fear , anger, happiness, sadness. The Child ego refers to when I am having my
attention and awareness mainly in my feelings, be they happy or negative feelings.
Then there is a Adult ego state when 1 am mainly occupied with the thoughts, attitudes
and
direction
that
I
am
giving
to
my
consciousness.
The third ego state is the Parent ego state which refers to the times when 1 cam coming
from the directives 1 give myself, or the principles that I use in guiding my thoughts and
expressions.
At all times in my active conscious life my consciousness will be directed through one of
these three ego states. One of the reactions in one or other of the states will be the one
which causes me to speak, behave or act in a certain manner. As for example - when a
person is laughing - we can say the person is in their child ego states - the same if they
are sad or weeping. Or if the person is wanting to buy something and is calculating how
much the item will cost he will be in his adult ego state. When 1 am deciding what is
going to give me happiness during the day 1 will be putting my energy in the Parent ego
state. When 1 am pointing out their faults to another person then 1 will be usually in the
Parent ego state. In order to shift our energy we have to be aware of whether we are
occupied with feelings or with thinking, or with self-directing I will be in the Parent ego
state.
What I have to pay attention to see whether 1 am examining my feelings, or paying
attention to my thinking, or remembering the best way to speak or explain how I am
directing my self at the present moment - like asking when buying something - "Is this
too expensive or not?" - and other questions like that.
What is necessary is to keep aware in the variable thoughts and thought patterns coming
up in my consciousness - are these patterns helping me to relate to the people and
business going on around me? or do 1 have to stop and examine the reasons why I am
feeling like 1 am at the present moment...All of this will help me to keep in charge of
myself and make myself understood to other people.
And so 1 must always be reflexive - able to feel at ease with myself at any time - not
bogged down by heavy negative feelings or no keeping negativity or animosity to other
people.
We can discuss all of this as we go. Love, Dad
255
07.02.2010
Time: 22.16 pm Sub: Being Strong
Dear Sundar,
theJ
t y l
L" Wru ng t0 y°U ' ' kEep y°U in mind> have been thinking of you but
these past weeks I have been more than busy. What I believe that you are desiring to
akb'5ty t0 meet and reaCt W'th pe°ple- This is some thing that can be
difficult for everybody as other people are they are - they do not fit into the ways and
whhT Jh1
W0L'd W'Sh t0 haVe W'th US' 11 SeemS that We often have t0 t^ and fit in
with the other person even when it is difficult for us.
?
S° ' need to bei strong within myself and fully conscious of myself and what I am feeling
-1 must at least be open m some manner because I wish to be able to "get along" with the
o er person, which means I want to be able to come to some understanding and mutual
respect with the other person. So it is best to begin with an "open mind" as they call it I
am in a way non-committal, which means that I have not made up my opinion whether I
will be easily acceptant of this person or willing to be friend or open with them I am in a
ay cautious yet in a some manner open, expectant as to how this person will be with
me It is best to be open and acceptant of the other person until I come to know them
better. I will stay reserved within myself and in my talk and conservation as I experience
ow they are speaking and what feelings may be coming to me because of the words or
manner in which they are talking. I remain reserved within myself, and my talk will be
fairly qmet and wondering how the other will be speaking or thinking of me. Within
myself I remain strong and reserved, yet open to quietly within myself making the
assessment of the others talk and the manner in which they are with me. I do not mike a
the oT
°n th6m Unt' ' Seem fairly Certa'n that n°W ' have 3 8°0d understanding about
1
^is givers y°u some direction to take with others when you have to deal or talk
with them. It is often not easy to measure how the other will be with
you, so it is
necessary to be patient in the beginning and wait till you can
make
a
judgment
about
them.
All the best you - Fr. Hank
10.02.10
Time: 12.51 pm Sub: All right
Dear Sundar,
Please realize that the problem which has been solved this morning could have been
solved two days ago if both you and your uncle had been able to remain calm and
listening and considering what each person wanted to say. To give into feelings of anger
will never solve a problem but just make everything more upset and then no helpful
conclusion will come about.
256
1 support both of you to understand and be able to trust each other. Of that is the ideal
that helps all people to live helpfully with each other - the trust that must exist between
each other. And the only tool that enables persons to trust is simply trust as each makes a
sincere effort to remain open and accepting of the others' viewpoint.
All the best to you - may all be well. Fr. Hank
24.02.2010
Time: 15.17 pm
Sub: People
Dear Sundar,
There are all sorts of people whom we live, meet, talk with, learn about, have a pleasant
time with, some we are close to, some who seem to understand us and want to be with us
more, some who may want to give us information, some who will listen to us and
understand, others who listen but do not seem to understand us and so do answer, respond
when they have said that they will respond, some people will be interested in us and we
can believe that they really want to be close to us, others may seem to say they want to be
close to us but who not seem to understand us.
So there are all sorts of people, persons with interests like us, others who are not
interested in what we are interested in, some seem to understand us, others do not
understand us yet seem to try to direct us.
We have to realize that we cannot really understand many of the people whom we meet,
even many who are our relatives and of our extended family tree. It is good when we feel
understood by some people, but will not feel good when they do not seem to understand
us. So we have to realize that we cannot expect to understand all people, even our
relations, aunts or uncles, or cousins, each person is living his own life and having his
own ideas and thoughts and desires, and directives. So we need to be open and realize
and careful and be aware that some people will not accept me even though they might
seem to be with me in understanding and friendship in the beginning.
So at times I have to move on - not be upset by the reaction that some people show to me
- not answering, not paying attention to me, or anything like that. I just have to accept
how they are and move on - not become upset or angry with them. They have their own
world so let them be in their own world. 1 need to keep my friends, for 1 must have some
friends with whom 1 can share my life with some few people.
Love, Dad
Sundar has recently been accepted for a responsible job, independent of the job he
had at his uncle’s office. 1 am very pleased that he has been able to overcome the
difficulties that he has had in his personality, and able to express himself independently
in his life.
257
Chapter VI
Hope for the future
258
We acknowledge that the world around us is changing each day - so many new ideas, so
many new cultural patterns, so much new technology.
We are part of the changing
environment. But are we willing to work to change or do we shut down? We believe
that schizophrenics must change to be happy. How much pressure are we willing to put
on ourselves to change?
We might be afraid that the schizophrenic now functioning
normally will challenge us to change? How quickly we cross the street to avoid passing
by the raving person on this side. 1 believe that the schizophrenic is always challenging
us to change, asking us to realize that we all need to keep growing and searching for ways
to bring more compassion and love into our world. Why do we not see that aspect ol
their life and conduct? In centuries past they have always been challenging the healthy
individuals to see the new and special possibilities in our human growth together. It is
the same today, so why do we keep seeing them as trouble makers and failures? The
schizophrenic has the same possibilities as we have. Our belief that he or she can and
will use those possibilities will enable them to use the possibilities.
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